Rachel Sontag

I bought this because we have an estrangement in our family, and now that we have some distance, I am interested in the dynamics of other families and the estrangements they experience.

Rachel Sontag's family estrangement from her controlling father and weak, sometimes physically violent mother is described in this book in some detail, but still leaves you wondering how much more she has left out. The controlling abuse seems relentless and you get the feeling that she's picking out one incident to describe from a hundred others just like it.

Her father would make up rules (there is a typed copy in the book) that would hold the family, but in particular Rachel, to impossible standards. If Rachel transgressed, the consequences would often be her mother dragging her out of bed late at night after she was asleep, to go downstairs for an interrogation, ending with her writing lines or letters dictated by her father. He would tell Rachel she was the scum of the earth, and Rachel would write "I am the scum of the earth"; he would tell her she was disgusting and Rachel would write "I am disgusting."

He recorded her telephone calls and sent copies to her school, keeping the recordings in a locked safe as evidence. He had copies of the letters he forced her to write (and after this book was published he made those letters public on a website debunking Rachel's claims). When Rachel forget her keys one night he kept her locked outside for hours on end to teach her a lesson. When the girls were younger he refused to let them take dolls on holiday, causing the family to miss a flight as he searched the airport for a locker to store them in, and blamed Rachel and her mother for missing the plane. This was a regular event, missing planes, being pulled out of lines to argue, picking over perfectly normal things as proof that the girls (but Rachel in particular) were walking all over their mother. He once told her that while on holiday a man had asked him how much Rachel cost, and he was obsessed with her looking cheap or available. At that point she had cut off all her hair and was glad she was 'ugly' so that he couldn't blame her for provoking the man

Adults in Rachel's life all seemed to know he was to blame, some helped her to get away, for a few days or weeks, or months, and as she grew up he seemed to take a pride in Rachel being homeless rather than help her pay rent.

The book doesn't really give a date for the events, but I feel that Rachel may have been born in the mid-seventies, which would put the beginning of the book in the mid 80's.

I don't know what's happening in her life now, but the book ended hopefully. She had cut off her father, she had minimal contact with her mother and had reached a place in her own mind where she seemed to accept her mothers failings. I thought the book was well-written, thought provoking, and Rachel writes with humour and hope on every page. I hope she's happy now, I hope she has peace, and people on her side, and feels safe in her own home.… (more)

When is a memoir a horror story? Probably fairly frequently, but this one features a set of uniquely criminal parents. Father Steven insists on controlling every aspect of the life of daughter Rachel, while neglecting younger daughter Jenny. He restricts Rachel's every movement and action, her facial expressions, her haircuts, down to the most trivial interactions. Worse still, Rachel's mother promises divorce but never goes through with it. The atmosphere in the home is so poisonous that Rachel escapes temporarily by getting Child Protective Services to place her in a home for unwed mothers just to escape the agony. The fact that there's never any physical violence from the father is almost the most unsettling aspect of the story - he is able to fly into rages that are verbal only. But that doesn't make them any easier to accept. Rachel's path to freedom entails homelessness, which actually brings her a measure of relief. And she's able to reconcile with her sister. But when you see the smiling author on the book jacket, you wonder how she didn't actually murder both parents in their beds, or set the house afire - his attempts for control, and the mother's unwillingness to defy him, are that horrifying. Recommended as a painful oddity but not for the weak at heart.… (more)