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COLLAGES. by Anais. Nin

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Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

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About me{I love} Heavy silk, being overwhelmed and overwhelming, the lurid drop of a yolk, the tension of corset-strings, sitting in a bar and squeezing three limes into my bourbon - the process - the mash and drip of it, the weight of a goose's black masked face, ormoulu, jellyfish, kissing until you cry, subverting toughness + vulnerability, wit, Calder mobiles, the press of a palm against my mouth, the way they make it last even when I can't, the memory of Lindsey's rabbit fur coat-collar, singing to people on phone booths on far-away highways, static, tacit Saturday depressions, primal varieties of fir and pine, white noise, Eva Hesse, emeralds, increscence, raspberries and apricots, Belgian fashion, a jutted chin, semaphore, the memory of snow, the audacity of the Corinthian order, the tinny fear of rabbits when they are lifted by their ears, watching the great freighters sweep past from a pier in Veracruz, biting the palm against my mouth, baby shampoo, the scrape of a hat against my shoulder as I turn to look back, the brothy smell of whelping-boxes, drinking gin out of a bowl on a lover's kitchen counter in the middle of night, the sight of my own spine, the hemstitch - its analogical interest, blue leather, subcutaneous bruising, green leather, my mother's boots, particulate-heavy towns in West Texas, tourmaline, being convinced by a man to take off my coat in a cold motel room - the release and shed of it, the moment of entry, cutting my own hair with rusty scissors, showering in a whore's hotel in Japan with shamisen music plunking over the platform houses and overgrown goya gardens, white cotton, clavicles, stripes, jetfuel, pelvic saddles, the way my face will never be the same after its scarring, the crabs and rats of dirty nations - their heat and honest eyes, piloting a Boston Whaler, the kick of a rifle into my shoulder, having things placed in my lap, the heavy hands of loving men on my bare nape, scar tissue, long long drives when rake your hair back and your shoulders ache and you listen to everything roll over - like a cold engine - there by big dark mounds of timber waiting for their turn as paper two counties out, making my heroines die, the bracelet he buys for you in the future in Nevada maybe - the one you dream about, thistle honey, hotel lobbies, the kick of exhausted toddlers in the crook of my arm, bare skin in borrowed shirts, crying while standing up, station wagons, discordant radio warnings for flood and hurricane, crows in their tight black suits, the sleep we sleep on our birthdays and the birthdays of people we may never know but love, how fast I change and then change back, rajshahi, narcissus paperwhites, the way she worked that picnic lobster through my baby teeth - the prettiest me we would then dare to have seen, the hasty ache of stamen over the lane, the unutterable term for wife in Arabic, blackstrap molasses, a bed with a motive, mimesis, mimosas, small melasmas, drinking gin and tonic in the boiling bath, fifth gear, this smothering and hate I daily wage on my own copious roan hair, the ignored phone, ikat scarves, customs papers - their carbon and satisfying stamp-stamp-stamp, the reticulated narrative of the feminine, lavender jam, Jerusalem, the hideous carapaces propped up in Pike Place Market, the production of meaning, napping in airports with suitcase strap threaded in your feet, fleur de sel, sel de mer, requiring nothing extraneous from love, key lime, Anne Sportun, the titillating ambition of piglets, marital surrender, persimmon-colored wool, cotton, diamonds no bigger than a grain of raw sugar, Protection Island, nephews, trout, the pale scar from a man who bit him, zephyrs, the reasonable, praline, "Jolene", my boy-shirts - too short in the arms, my boy-face - too long in the jaw, the synchronic bit of the axis, my mother's raincoat, gate of heaven: star of the sea, a furnace and its click, spot of toffee stuck to my wrist - found later and licked, the total abdication of one's pelvis, the soft navel of a melon, know-how, eiderdown, the end - from the Latin ante from the Greek anti - the end once against and then before.


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