I am looking for etiquette books that advise how to politely confront someone. When someone is rude, thoughtless, or worse, I never know what to say. I was taught that good manners means basically never to offend anyone, but how can you tell someone they are wrong without offending them?

This has led to some interesting conundrums in my life. For example, I went to a bar with my friend and her boyfriend. She was trying to get me drunk so that I would agree to sing karaoke. She bought me a drink, but when it arrived her boyfriend said he had never tasted Amaretto. Before I had even had a sip of my drink, my friend hands it to her boyfriend and lets him drink from my glass. I didn't want it after that, but I didn't know how to say so politely. My friend ended up getting mad at me(!) because I wasted her money by not drinking the drink she bought me.

This sort of thing happens far too often with many different people. I have read a lot of etiquette books but they don't really go into this in much depth. Help!

I think Miss Manners is probably your best resource for this one. I'll post more if some other resource comes to mind.

Clearly, your friend was out of line. Her BF's behavior was rude, presumptuous and unsanitary. You might have said, after he had purloined your drink, "No, I couldn't possibly. YOU enjoy it. Had you wished to drive your point further home, after your friend became angry, you could have politely offered to pay her for the drink. I would suggest not drinking with them in future.

Message edited by its author, May 2, 2007, 12:27am.

The term "confrontational manners" is an oxymoron.

#3: actually, I collect oxymorons. My favorite is "divorce court".

But I don't mean confrontation in the sense of yelling at someone. I was thinking more along the lines of standing up for oneself in a disagreement. Perhaps "assertive manners" would be less confusing.

Message edited by its author, May 2, 2007, 6:31pm.

From my limited exposure to the etiquette literature, it seems to me that it's basically not permissible to tell someone they're wrong, unless it's a matter of immediate bodily safety. (I, too, find this one of the great frustrations of etiquette. In a country of 300 million, at least 150 million of whom are boors, shunning does not work because there are 149,999,999 other boors out with whom each one may hang -- and oh, if only they would go hang -- so what does one do? The only conclusion I can come up with is to turn oneself into the social matriarch of one's own set. They'll want to be in your good graces, so they'll have to conform to your expected standards of conduct, and of course they'll resent you for that, but it sounds like they already do, anyway. But that that takes time, and it doesn't work with strangers. My preferred solution involves my big rubber mallet, but, sadly, it isn't just the etiquette police who frown on that.)

There is nothing in etiquette forbidding you from standing up to yourself. From what I've gathered, no-one is entitled (etiquettally speaking) to your reasons for doing anything; you're supposed to wear them down with bland, noncommittal refusals, or even accepting blame oneself, however unjustified; and their increasing irritation at this is supposed to reveal them to be the boors that they are, and then they're supposed to be ashamed of it. But after shame was so severely weakened in the Great Shamebola Epidemic of '77, that doesn't often work, either.

I suspect that, in the case of the Amaretto Incident, the grandes dames of etiquette might suggest something along the lines of your telling Boyfriend that he could keep that one, you'd get another, and then doing so with your own dimes. Or you could have taken it back, placed it strategically in front of you, and then, with a "careless" conversational gesture, "accidentally" removed it to the floor (taking care not to nail passing waitresses or other patrons, of course, and then leaving a very generous tip).

Living, as I do, in an area with often-very-crowded public transportation, it is not uncommon to cross paths with people whose sense of personal space is fairly inflexible. My standard response is to assuage their apparent health concerns by informing them that "I've had my cootie shots." I do wonder, though, if this is too passive-aggressive to be etiquettally acceptable.

waterlily,
try nonviolent communication by marshall rosenberg. his method is specifically aimed at how to (politely, constructively, etc) have conversations which otherwise might be confrontational.

best of luck to ya :)

>>Living, as I do, in an area with often-very-crowded public transportation, it is not uncommon to cross paths with people whose sense of personal space is fairly inflexible. My standard response is to assuage their apparent health concerns by informing them that "I've had my cootie shots." I do wonder, though, if this is too passive-aggressive to be etiquettally acceptable.

Isn't "personal space" a fairly flexible term to begin with, dealing as it does with single person (ie. an individual)? Not to mention how various cultures have different concepts of acceptable personal space.

Message edited by its author, Jun 27, 2007, 2:46pm.

Better to just smile helplessly and shrug it off, literally. If it seems appropriate, one might say something to the effect of, "It's terribly crowded on mass trans these days, isn't it?"

Thank you for your suggestions. Some of them would be a vast improvement over what I've been doing. Now if I can only train myself to think along those lines. Usually I am so astounded by the other person's rude behavior that I can't think of any response at the time. As Mark Twain said, “Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.”

I feel for you and empathize with the feeling gobsmacked by others' rudeness. I'm utterly taken aback and often speechless.

"She was trying to get me drunk so that I would agree to sing karaoke."
I'd consider that a violation of etiquette :)

I think the rest was more a clash of subcultures than rudeness. I remember from my student days that it was fairly common to share glasses when alcoholic drinks were involved, even among people who did not know each other very well. I think the assumption was that the alcohol would sterilize anything significant. (At the same time, offering one's glass for a sip was often a form of flirting. So it's not entirely neutral.)

Amtep:
"She was trying to get me drunk so that I would agree to sing karaoke."
I'd consider that a violation of etiquette :)

That's exactly what I was thinking!

Perhaps you should try The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense by Suzette Haden Elgin.

This is an old thread, but I had a question that seemed in keeping with the title. How do I ask my roommate if he (or one of his trampy girlfriends) had anything to do with the two sets of earrings I'm missing?

I'd guess that you don't. Not in any polite way. You might casually mention that you're missing a couple sets of earrings, and see if they say that they've borrowed them.