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Bad Joke of the Day 8

This is a continuation of the topic Bad Joke of the Day 7 (1 of 2016).

This topic was continued by Bad Joke of the Day 9.

The Green Dragon

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1hfglen
Jun 9, 2017, 4:43pm Top

An amazing case of Nomenclatural Determinism comes our way via the East African Railways and Harbours Staff Magazine for June 1953:

"The foremost financial and economic expert in Siam", reported Dr J.W. Beyen in his recent reminiscences, "is called Prince Dam Rong. I try never to forget it ..."

2pgmcc
Jun 10, 2017, 4:37am Top

3margd
Jun 14, 2017, 5:08pm Top

You can't run in a campground.
You can only ran because it's past tents.

:-)

4Berly
Jun 16, 2017, 2:10am Top

Groan....

5Jenni_Canuck
Jun 16, 2017, 3:04pm Top

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write Spaghetti on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

6skittles
Jun 17, 2017, 12:01pm Top

Jenni, that is marvelous!!

7margd
Edited: Jun 20, 2017, 5:59am Top

Dad Jokes ("What's a dad joke? Oh, basically just really goofy jokes told by fathers in the interests of gently torturing their offspring.")

Why can't we tell jokes to a kleptomaniac? Because they take things literally.

I told my doctor that I always get heartburn when I eat birthday cake. He said that I should try to remember to take the candles off first.

http://www.npr.org/2017/06/17/533327535/some-of-your-favorite-dad-jokes

Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe!

How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian!

ETA:
We're all Americans, and we all use the bathroom.
You're an American when you enter and you're an American when you leave, but what are you IN the bathroom?
European! (SORRY, friends across the pond!)
ETA: My DH suggested that you might be Putin(?)

http://www.npr.org/2017/06/18/533244937/daaaaaaad-on-fathers-day-an-homage-to-th...

8rgurskey
Jun 19, 2017, 10:41am Top

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.

9margd
Jun 19, 2017, 10:47am Top

Taco emergency?
Call Nine-Juan-Juan!

10Jim53
Jun 20, 2017, 2:10pm Top

Beezus: Alexa, buy me something from Whole Foods.

Alexa: OK, buying Whole Foods.

Beezus: oh $H!T

11reconditereader
Jun 20, 2017, 9:51pm Top

^ At last, an explanation!

12MrsLee
Jun 21, 2017, 9:32am Top

13Cecrow
Jun 21, 2017, 9:54am Top

Three men stranded on a remote island find a magic lamp. The genie agrees to divide the three wishes between them.

"I wish I was home with my family." POOF!

"I wish I was back at work." POOF!

"Wow, I really miss those guys. I wish I could see them again." POOF! POOF!

14cindydavid4
Jun 21, 2017, 12:34pm Top

Haha!

15rastaphrog
Jun 23, 2017, 11:25am Top

via Facebook


16jnwelch
Jun 23, 2017, 1:50pm Top

17MrsLee
Jun 23, 2017, 5:38pm Top

>15 rastaphrog: I live for those punny Pearls Before Swine strips. :D

18Jenni_Canuck
Jun 28, 2017, 12:56pm Top

A woman was feeling lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. Although she searched and searched, none of the available pets caught her interest except for one ugly frog who, as she walked by the jar he was in, winked at her and whispered, “I'm lonely, too. Take me home and you won't be sorry.”

The woman figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else so she bought the frog. After placing him in the car on the front seat beside her, she was driving down the road and the frog said, “Kiss me and you won't be sorry.” The woman figured, what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately, the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince. The prince then returned the woman's kiss. Suddenly, she felt herself transforming. Can you guess what the woman turned into? She turned into the first Travelodge she could find!!!

19skittles
Jul 1, 2017, 9:30pm Top

OK, I'm doing "the bad"...

I'm giving the group a link to a cartoon and not posting it here. (mildly NSFW)

but with a warning: If you are a Star Trek OS fan, DO NOT FOLLOW THE LINK!!!
It will ruin your enjoyment of a common phrase on the show FOREVER!!

or maybe not?

http://www.bugmartini.com/comic/star-trek-iv-the-voyage-phone/

20theexiledlibrarian
Jul 2, 2017, 1:05pm Top

What do you get if you play tug of war with a pig?

Pulled pork.

21MrsLee
Jul 3, 2017, 8:33pm Top

>19 skittles: Pretty funny! I believe that may have enhanced that phrase from now on, but I will never be able to explain to my friends why the giggles when I hear it.

22rastaphrog
Jul 5, 2017, 11:12am Top

From Facebook


23MrsLee
Jul 5, 2017, 3:24pm Top

>22 rastaphrog: Uuhh. Thanks for the groan of the day!

24Darth-Heather
Jul 25, 2017, 10:07am Top

25debavp
Jul 25, 2017, 10:10am Top

AahhhaHahaha :)

26cindydavid4
Jul 25, 2017, 11:03am Top

groan.....

27Darth-Heather
Jul 25, 2017, 4:29pm Top

>26 cindydavid4: awww come on now, you know you giggled a lil... or at least a tiny smirk.... :D

28cindydavid4
Jul 25, 2017, 7:45pm Top

actually I did. When I was a kid I used to go through my sisters booksheves while she was at college. There was a collection of poetry that had a bunch of Burns. Thought it was fun to talk like it when she got home. So it did bring back some fun memories!

29pgmcc
Jul 25, 2017, 10:10pm Top

30hfglen
Jul 29, 2017, 3:59pm Top

Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea, quivering?
A: A nervous wreck.

31pgmcc
Jul 29, 2017, 4:03pm Top

Q: What floats on the surface of the sea and shouts, "KNICKERS!"?
A: Crude oil.

32hfglen
Jul 29, 2017, 4:08pm Top

Touché!

33MrsLee
Jul 29, 2017, 6:34pm Top

>30 hfglen: & >31 pgmcc: Nice! Both got a groan from my son.

34Darth-Heather
Jul 31, 2017, 9:45am Top

>31 pgmcc: hahahaha! good one!

35margd
Aug 2, 2017, 5:51am Top

Why don't keyboards sleep?
They have two shifts!

(Finally tired again--back to bed. :-)

36hfglen
Aug 3, 2017, 12:10pm Top

Snagged from a Pretoria University circular, of all places:

37pgmcc
Aug 3, 2017, 2:02pm Top

>36 hfglen: Nice! I suppose that was one of your botanist jokes: a bit like the geologist who takes everything for granite.

38pgmcc
Aug 3, 2017, 2:05pm Top

Q: What forms a thin, multi-hued layer on the surface of the sea and shouts, "panties"?
A: Refined oil.

39hfglen
Aug 3, 2017, 3:25pm Top

Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea and looks like money?
A: Sick squid (six quid)

(This may only work if you speak British English)

40pokarekareana
Aug 3, 2017, 5:18pm Top

This one came from my brother-in-law, on the occasion of Yorkshire Day - "I saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman the other day. He was wearing a cat flap."

41alco261
Aug 5, 2017, 1:54pm Top

Several years ago the Washington State Wildlife Commission ran a study of crow migratory routes. As part of the effort they banded a number of crows around one leg. Embossed on the band was "Wash-Bio-Surv. "and an ID number As part of the survey notices were placed in post offices and all state and federal building explaining the purpose of the banding and requesting that should anyone shoot a banded crow that they note the location and send band into the Wildlife Commission. In return the commission would send them $3.00.

A few months after the start of the program a band arrived in the mail along with a short note. The note said," Dear Sir, I shot one of your crows the other day and followed your instructions. I washed it, biled it, and surved it and it was turrible. You need to figure out a better way to cook crow."

42margd
Aug 6, 2017, 8:52am Top

>41 alco261: Good one! Biologists and conservation officers tell the funniest stories at their get-togethers, one-upping each other with great incredulity.
(One I recall: Ice fishermen caught a pike in Lake Erie, brought it home many miles inland, revived it in the bathtub, then called the DNR to rescue it.)

43cindydavid4
Edited: Aug 6, 2017, 10:03am Top

This message has been deleted by its author.

44cindydavid4
Aug 6, 2017, 10:08am Top

>41 alco261: I would make a comment about the Thenns but suspect that would be in poor taste (ouch!) Sorry, Games of Thrones reference :)

45pgmcc
Aug 6, 2017, 5:06pm Top

On facebook today someone had posted what was supposed to be a screenshot from The Flat Earth Society's facebook page. It stated:
"The Flat Earth Society has members throughout the globe."

46pgmcc
Aug 7, 2017, 5:06pm Top

Teacher asks pupil to name three of Santa's reindeer.

Pupil responds: "Ah! Rudolf."

Teacher: "Yes. That's good. Another?"

Pupil: "Prancer."

Teacher: "Very good. Can you name a third?"

Pupil: "Olive."

Teacher: "I'm sorry, but there was no Olive."

Pupil: "Yes there was. She's mentioned in the song."

Teacher: "No she's not."

Pupil: "Yes she is. "Olive the other reindeer..."

47Berly
Aug 8, 2017, 12:13am Top

>46 pgmcc: I have to remember that one come December!!

48rgurskey
Aug 8, 2017, 11:16am Top

> 47 Or, you could by the book Olive, the Other Reindeer.

49Darth-Heather
Aug 9, 2017, 11:52am Top

>48 rgurskey: Every year I watch the animated version with Drew Barrymore.

50WholeHouseLibrary
Aug 9, 2017, 1:28pm Top

>49 Darth-Heather:
Wow! You hang out with Drew Barrymore?!?!

51Darth-Heather
Aug 9, 2017, 2:13pm Top

>50 WholeHouseLibrary: :D Yes, except that she can't see me through the tv screen.

52rgurskey
Aug 15, 2017, 2:31pm Top

I wanna get a dog and call him Naked so I can tell people I have to go walk Naked down the street.

53Berly
Aug 15, 2017, 3:47pm Top

Thanks! I needed that. : )

54rgurskey
Aug 16, 2017, 1:17pm Top

I took my son to 6 flags amusement park.
I said "wanna go in the crazy house?"
He said "yeah!"
So we went back home!

55rgurskey
Aug 18, 2017, 7:01pm Top

The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Son, can you support a family?"

"Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."

56MrsLee
Aug 19, 2017, 11:30am Top

>55 rgurskey: Love it!

57humouress
Aug 24, 2017, 2:25pm Top

Courtesy of my 8 year old:

Which side of Chewbacca is more hairy?
.
.
.
.
.
.
The outside

So three stormtroopers were trudging through the desert when they came upon a magic slide. They found instructions that said 'Wish for whatever you want to drink and slide down and your wish will be granted'.

So the first stormtrooper said "Water", slid down and landed in a pool of water.

The second stormtrooper chose "Lemonade!"

The third stormtrooper got a bit excited. "Whee!" he cried....

(I warned you; he's 8.)

58hnau
Aug 25, 2017, 3:10am Top

>57 humouress:

... and the fourth stormtrooper shouted "Pilsner!" and found the pool empy. Because a good pilsner takes seven minutes to pour.

59hfglen
Aug 25, 2017, 6:59am Top

I am reminded by a friend of the tale of the insects in a less-than-fresh bag of meal. One wanted to go to America in search of fame and fortune, but his brother was content to stay home and be the lesser of two weevils.

And I've just read a recipe that calls for "12 stoned green olives" --- what do these fruits smoke?

60margd
Aug 25, 2017, 9:04am Top

It seems like every fortune teller I visit is grumpy.
Why is it so hard to find a happy medium?

:-)

61cindydavid4
Aug 25, 2017, 9:44am Top

>Not sure what it say about me at the age of 60, but I cracked up!

62Cecrow
Aug 25, 2017, 10:28am Top

I'm sorry to bring down the mood, but this is not a joke. I only just learned now in my forties that peaches and cream is not sold at roadside corn stands. They only sell corn.

63margd
Edited: Aug 31, 2017, 9:07am Top

Cop: You were going too fast.
Me: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.
Cop: There isn't any.
Me: I know! That's how far behind I am!

2/22/22 falls on a Tuesday--"2s day!"

:-)

642wonderY
Aug 31, 2017, 9:37am Top

>63 margd: I LOVE that! I'm always that far behind too.

65Cecrow
Edited: Aug 31, 2017, 10:51am Top

That reminds me of the story about the woman who was banging two sticks together on the sidewalk.

Man: "What are you doing?"
Woman: "I'm keeping the tigers away."
Man: (looks around the city block). "There's no tigers here."
Woman: "You see?!? It's working!"

66humouress
Sep 2, 2017, 3:58am Top

Why did the Wookiee cross the road?

Because it was the chicken's day off.

You'll never guess what Jabba the Hutt's middle name is.
The

Did you hear the joke about Cloud City?
Never mind; it's over your head.

{courtesy of my 8 year old's Star Wars joke book}

67Berly
Sep 5, 2017, 11:17pm Top

>66 humouress: Good ones!!

68hfglen
Sep 7, 2017, 12:12pm Top

Q: Why don't oysters give to charity?
A: Because they're shellfish

69Berly
Oct 9, 2017, 4:25pm Top

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?

Why?

70pgmcc
Oct 9, 2017, 4:59pm Top

I los my job in the bank today. A woman asked me to check her balance and I pushed her.

71hfglen
Oct 14, 2017, 6:56am Top

Q: What happens to the air-conditioner when you pull the plug on it?
A: It loses its cool.

72margd
Oct 22, 2017, 2:13am Top

Q: What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot?
A: Mitosis!

73SylviaC
Oct 23, 2017, 12:01pm Top

I think I'll skip the beef soup today.

74Berly
Oct 23, 2017, 12:15pm Top

HA! That took me forever to get. LOL

75SylviaC
Oct 23, 2017, 12:33pm Top

They messed up the date, too, but the Beef Barely was funnier.

76pgmcc
Oct 23, 2017, 2:43pm Top

Beef is expensive. One cannot go wasting too much of it in making soup.

77hfglen
Oct 23, 2017, 4:13pm Top

It sounds barely worth beefing about

78YouKneeK
Oct 23, 2017, 5:15pm Top

And here I thought they were just confirming the cow wasn’t cooked with its clothes on… am I the only one who worries about that when I order beef soup? ;)

79pgmcc
Oct 23, 2017, 5:46pm Top

>78 YouKneeK: Wow! Naked broth. How risqué!

80margd
Oct 25, 2017, 11:45am Top

Really, really, really bad joke:

Some lettuce, an egg and a faucet had a race. The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.

Really!

81rolandperkins
Edited: Oct 25, 2017, 3:48pm Top

A Programmer's Q and A:

Q. If you only do "Odds and Ends", what is
the SMALLEST number of things you can do?

A. Four: two odds and two ends.

82WholeHouseLibrary
Oct 26, 2017, 1:37am Top

My wife has been nagging me about a constant ringing in her ears lately.
I've had the same condition for over fort-five years, but I've never mentioned it.
I told her that she should be glad she's not a dog.
If she were, she'd have a classic case of Rintintinitus.

83skittles
Oct 26, 2017, 7:10am Top

#82: or be glad she's not a dog from Pavlov's household.

84pgmcc
Oct 26, 2017, 7:20am Top

Orion's Belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible joke. It only warrants three stars.

85morningwalker
Edited: Oct 26, 2017, 9:35am Top

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles!

(I liked that one because I'm currently reading The Soul of an Octopus, which is really good.

862wonderY
Oct 26, 2017, 9:42am Top

>84 pgmcc: So terrible I forwarded it on to several people.

My SIL responded:

"I was up all night wondering where the Sun had gone; ... then it dawned on me."

87pgmcc
Oct 26, 2017, 9:51am Top

>86 2wonderY: Your SIL sounds like an enlightened person.

88pollysmith
Oct 26, 2017, 10:29am Top

Lol

89pollysmith
Oct 26, 2017, 10:30am Top

Omg, this is funny

90alco261
Oct 27, 2017, 6:30pm Top

There was this little old lady who, after many years of widowhood decided she would like to have someone around the house to talk to from time to time. She wasn't interested in another relationship so she decided that the best thing to do would be to get a talking parrot. She went down to the pet store to ask about such a bird and the store owner told her the only talking parrot he had in stock at the moment was one that had been part of the estate of a recently deceased sea captain.

She looked over the bird, talked to it for a bit, found that it could reply to her satisfaction and decided to buy it. The store owner tried to dissuade her. He said the bird had been with the old man for many years and could offer up some very colorful language if provoked. The lady said the bird seemed to be just fine so she purchased it and took it home. Everything went well for about 2 weeks until one morning she gave the parrot a new brand of bird seed. The parrot took one bite and started cursing a blue streak. The lady reached in the cage, grabbed the parrot by its feet, marched over to the freezer, threw the bird inside and slammed the door. After about 5 minutes she opened the freezer door and found herself looking at a very meek parrot. The bird apologized, was put back in his cage and all was well.

About 3 weeks later the lady did something else that set the bird off and once again she grabbed him and threw him in the freezer. This time she waited 15 minutes until she opened the door. The parrot was almost frozen stiff and she had to sort of stuff it back in its cage. Just as she turned to go the parrot said, " I gotta question." The old lady, still furious at the foul language, spun around and said in a very menacing tone, "Yes???" The parrot said, "That turkey you have in the freezer. What did he say?"

91pgmcc
Oct 31, 2017, 8:37pm Top

Q: Why do you always find demons and ghouls together?
A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend.

92theexiledlibrarian
Nov 1, 2017, 10:01pm Top

Q: What's the difference between broccoli and boogers?
A: No kid ever at broccoli

(Thanks Dav Pilkey and Super Diaper Baby)

I found this while repairing books today.

93MrsLee
Nov 2, 2017, 9:02am Top

94hfglen
Nov 18, 2017, 2:08pm Top

I've just been browsing the Zimbabwe National Parks website, and came across this electrifying statement in the description of Matobo National Park (my emphasis added):

Picnic sites at Sandy Spruit, Maleme, Mtshelele, Mpopoma, Mesilume dams and Rhodes Grave and other unpopular sites

95SylviaC
Nov 18, 2017, 3:34pm Top

>94 hfglen: At least they won't be crowded.

96pokarekareana
Nov 19, 2017, 6:15pm Top

>95 SylviaC: - They sound idyllic. Perhaps places for Mugabe to enjoy in his forthcoming retirement?

97hfglen
Nov 20, 2017, 2:02pm Top

>96 pokarekareana: Indeed. The Matobo Hills are in Matabeleland; Mugabe is a Shona, and one of his first acts was close to genocide against the Matabele. I must admit I like the idea of sending him to Rhodes's Grave -- his racist rants against the whites in general, and Rhodes in particular, have been endless.

98hfglen
Nov 21, 2017, 4:01am Top

DD reports a news story that thieves broke in to a country club somewhere in UK and stole the batteries from 40 golf carts. The Secretart is reported as saying that in a way it was a pity they didn't get into the clubhouse and take the salt too. Then they could have been charged with assault and battery.

99margd
Edited: Nov 21, 2017, 8:51am Top

Newfoundlanders are a lovely people--http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/newfoundland-labrador/newfoundland-songs-kitchen-party-toronto-pearson-airport-1.4411678--but subject to Polish-type jokes and stories that they often tell on themselves, e.g., (I love the accent :-)

A Newfie won a fishing boat in a raffle and tows it home. His wife looks at him and says, "What in the name o' Lard Jasus are you gonna do wit dat, bye? We lives on a farm. There's nary a bit o' water within 75 miles o' 'ere."

He says, "Don't care. I won 'er and I'm gonna keep 'er."...

Several days later the Newfie's brother comes over to visit. He looks out in the field behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a fishing boat in the middle of the field with a fishing rod in his hand.

He stands at the edge of the field and yells out to him, "What the frig are you doin'?"

His brother calls back, "I'm fishin'. What the frig does it look like I'ma doin'?"

His brother yells back, "Lard tunderin' my son, it's people like you that gives Newfies a bad name, making everyone think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick you in the friggin arse."

100humouress
Nov 21, 2017, 9:01am Top

I’m not sure what a Newfie accent actually sounds like, but in my head that comes out as Irish.

101margd
Nov 21, 2017, 11:14am Top

Yep. Some blend of English and Irish--plus French and aboriginal--but mostly old Irish and English accent, hundreds of years in isolation? (Nfld only became part of Canada in 1949.) Most have slight lilt in their speech, but can really turn it on to tell a story!

102rastaphrog
Dec 2, 2017, 3:09am Top

From a FB comment thread...

“One-eyed Jack, would ye do me a favor?”
And Jack says “Sure Peg leg Pete, what would ye have me do?”
So Pete sez, “If I die before ye, would ye pour a bottle of rum on me grave?”
To which Jack sez “Of course! I would be proud to do that! I just have one question though”
“What’s that?” sez Pete.
“Would ye mind if I pass it through me kidneys first?”

103pgmcc
Dec 2, 2017, 7:13am Top

>102 rastaphrog: That is a bit like the sign in the restaurant which stated that all bottled water in this establishment has been passed by the management.

104margd
Dec 5, 2017, 6:21am Top

What do you call a pod of musical whales?

An orcastra!

105pgmcc
Dec 5, 2017, 7:08am Top

>104 margd: Killer joke!

1062wonderY
Dec 5, 2017, 7:33am Top

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym bun.

107margd
Dec 5, 2017, 8:35am Top

:D

108hfglen
Dec 21, 2017, 1:32pm Top

It's Christmas cracker season again.

Q: How do you make a sausage roll?
A: Push it down a hill.

Q: When is the best time to buy a canary?
A: When it is going cheap.

109humouress
Jan 2, 4:45pm Top

Some off-colour jokes:

1) If you drop a red hat in a blue sea, what happens?

2) If the blue man lives in the blue house and the green man lives in the green house, what colour is the man who lives in the white house?

Answers:
1) It gets wet.
2) Orange.

110cindydavid4
Jan 2, 8:40pm Top

oh yes, I like!

111Berly
Jan 6, 2:10pm Top

So bad they are good!

112alco261
Jan 6, 5:45pm Top

At the end of an evening a shy young man asks his date if she would be interested in some spooning. She agrees and he gives her a light peck on one cheek. There is a pause and the young lady says, "Well, if that's your idea of spooning I think we should consider shoveling."

113rgurskey
Jan 14, 8:43pm Top

From FB:

When Mars was unexplored, there was debate that it could support life, or it was a dead world. No one was sure until a rover was sent up to check. So can we say that Curiosity killed Schrodinger's cat?

114margd
Jan 16, 12:11pm Top

Dad: Have you finished painting the porch?
Son: Yes, but it's not a Porsche, it's a BMW.

:D

115Jim53
Jan 16, 4:42pm Top

I saw a highlighted portion of a biology textbook that described the hypothalmus as supporting the so-called "four Fs": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating.

116jnwelch
Jan 16, 5:57pm Top

>115 Jim53: Hmm. Mating. What synonym starts with F? :-)

117Jim53
Jan 16, 7:53pm Top

If I were a rapper (said someone), I'd call myself Gershwin, and I'd publish my CD in a blue case. Then people could buy Gershwin's rap CD in blue.

118WholeHouseLibrary
Jan 22, 4:33pm Top

Not part of the joke: I've been re-reading some email correspondences from almost two decades ago. So, the joke I am about to post may have actually come from a previous thread here. It's the first chuckle I've had in quite a long time.

So, this Irishman leaves a bar… Hey! It ~could~ happen.

119rgurskey
Feb 3, 9:48pm Top

Scientists have discovered how trees communicate.

They bark.

120misskate
Feb 14, 3:51am Top

OOOOOOOOOOOooooh, didn't take it too hard. We Europeans are a hardy lot.

121Jenni_Canuck
Feb 16, 2:56pm Top

A bear walks into a bar and orders a whiskey . . . . . . . . . . . . . and . . . . . . . . . . .a . . . . . . . . cola.
"Coming right up," said the bartender, "but why the big pause?"
"I don't know" said the bear, "I was just born with them."

122pgmcc
Feb 16, 3:07pm Top

>121 Jenni_Canuck:
Boom! Boom!

I like it.

123pgmcc
Feb 19, 3:08am Top

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

124hfglen
Feb 19, 3:25am Top

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!

125pgmcc
Feb 19, 3:37am Top

:-)

126margd
Feb 19, 8:07am Top

Good ones!

>121 Jenni_Canuck: I shared with friend, a retired bear biologist. In return he sent me his favorite Far Side cartoon, the cave bear at the bottom of this website:
http://huntergatherer.com/the-far-side-on-hunting/

127pgmcc
Feb 19, 8:51am Top

>126 margd: Great!
I love the Far Side cartoons.

128hfglen
Feb 23, 4:41am Top

Doctors at a certain hospital went on strike, and waved placards detailing their grievances at a demonstration. The hospital authorities had to call in the pharmacists in order to be able to determine their demands.

129pgmcc
Feb 23, 5:57am Top

130MrsLee
Feb 23, 9:11am Top

>128 hfglen: Ha ha. Having worked for an attorney, who represented doctors, I feel their pain. On the other hand, hand written notes in any of the subsequent jobs I've held are no problem with that experience under my belt.

131rgurskey
Mar 8, 12:02pm Top

A bunch of lads at a Squadron reunion decided to meet up again for a meal the year of each “landmark” birthday.

For their 40th they collectively decided to go to the Red Lion, because the waitresses were pretty and wore short skirts.

For their 50th they thought they would go to the Red Lion, because the steaks were tender and the beer was good.

For their 60th they chose the Red Lion because it was easy to get to from the motorway, and for their 70th the Red Lion was chosen because the wheelchair access was decent.

For their 80th they thought they’d go to the Red Lion - because they hadn’t been there before.

132PossMan
Mar 8, 2:19pm Top

>131 rgurskey:: Bit near the bone but gave me a good laugh.

133hfglen
Mar 9, 6:02am Top

Q: What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
A: Philippe Philoppe

134Darth-Heather
Mar 9, 8:28am Top

>133 hfglen: hee hee! i like this one!

135MrsLee
Mar 9, 9:15am Top

>131 rgurskey: & >133 hfglen: Thanks for the giggles! I needed them to get through this Friday.

136morningwalker
Mar 9, 12:49pm Top

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked his problem out with a pencil. It was a #2 pencil.

137rolandperkins
Apr 1, 10:35pm Top

a Joke (?) of the 1940s,which I didnʻt realize was a joke when I first heard it (and, if a joke, it is a pretty lame one.) Supposedly a traffic direction problem:

Q. An ambulance, a police car, a fire engine and a mail truck all arrive at an intersection that has
no traffic light nor traffic cop on duty: Which one has the right of way?

A. The mail truck -- because itʻs the only one that is federal.

Prose Zoomably this is intended to make fun
of "Feds". For all I know it may go back farther than the 1940s.

138rgurskey
Apr 15, 8:31pm Top

I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however been in Sane. They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there. I have made several trips..

139humouress
Edited: Apr 15, 11:18pm Top

I suppose whoever drives you there must also end up in Sane. So at least you have company.

140rolandperkins
Edited: Apr 15, 11:24pm Top

A very topical joke of some 40 years ago; in fact it was only funny in the summer of 1974.

Q. How do you tell if someone is an optimist or a pessimist?

A. Ask them what they think of the recent deposings of chiefs of government: Heath in the U K., Camacho in Portugal, Pompidou in France, and Pappadopulos in Greece?
If an optimist, they will say.
"Right on! Four down, and one to go!"
If a pessimist they will say,
"AW! The big one got away!"

141margd
Apr 16, 7:31am Top

Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
A: If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.
.
.
.
Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
A: Na
.
.
.
Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."
Helium doesn't react.
.
.
.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
.
.
.
Q: If H20 is water, what is H204?
A: Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
.
.
.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. :D
.
.
.
From https://www.inorganicventures.com/fun-chemists

142morningwalker
Apr 16, 9:32am Top

A bunch of lads at a Squadron reunion decided to meet up again for a meal the year of each “landmark” birthday.

For their 40th they collectively decided to go to the Red Lion, because the waitresses were pretty and wore short skirts.

For their 50th they thought they would go to the Red Lion, because the steaks were tender and the beer was good.

For their 60th they chose the Red Lion because it was easy to get to from the motorway.

For their 70th the Red Lion was chosen because the wheelchair access was decent.

For their 80th they thought they’d go to the Red Lion - because they hadn’t been there before.

143rgurskey
Apr 17, 1:36am Top

See #131 above.

144bernsad
Apr 17, 2:05am Top

>143 rgurskey: So good it bears repeating.

145misskate
Apr 17, 8:58am Top

Now that I just hit 80 I can't remember why I'm replying to this post

146mamzel
Apr 17, 11:07am Top

My dad (well into his 80s) related a story recently where he had to take one of five of his dogs to the vet and leave him there overnight. The next morning he went around collecting food bowls and making their breakfast. However Franky was nowhere to be found. He drove around his neighborhood for a while but it wasn't until he got back home that he remembered where he was. It really sucks to lose one's memory!

147cindydavid4
Apr 19, 11:09pm Top

>137 rolandperkins: >138 rgurskey: Boy does that sound like a Carlin line! Still,v ery funny

148alco261
Apr 28, 3:38pm Top

One of the traveling salesmen for our company was a real fan of fish dishes. Any kind of fish, prepared any way, he was interested in trying it. I had just come back from a trip to Boston and I ran into him in the airport. We chatted briefly and I mentioned had had broiled scrod there which was fantastic. As it turned out he was on his way to Boston and he asked me the name of the restaurant. Unfortunately I couldn't recall the name and I told him he would just have to ask around. He arrived in Boston, hailed a cab at the airport and as he climbed in he said to the cabbie, "Say, do you know where I can get scrod around here?" The cabbie turned around, adjusted the cap on his head and said, "You know mac, I'll bet I've been asked that question a thousand times but this is the first time ever in the pluperfect subjunctive."

149rolandperkins
Edited: May 9, 11:19pm Top

An all purpose ethnic joke of the era soon after the moon landing of 07/69:

The U. S. ambassador and the Soviet ambassador to the U.N. were chatting and were approached by the ________ian* ambassador. He told them, "Well, you Russians were the first in outer space, and you Americans were the first to land on the moon, but my country is going to be the first to land on the SUN!"
The Soviet ambassador shook his head sadly and waked away. The _______ian said to the American, "Whatʻs wrong with him?!" The American replied, "Well, itʻs just that you CANʻT land on the sun: your space capsule would burn up before you were 1,000 miles from the sun."
"Oh, we have that problem solved," said the _________an.
"How?" said the American.
"Weʻre going to land at NIGHT!"

*Fill in you own choice of nationality. The one I heard it about (and also heard it FROM--the old excuse!) I wonʻt tell you in this thread, I admire them too much. If youʻre curious, write me a message.

150rastaphrog
May 10, 1:41am Top

One of my friends on Facebook posted this.

There was a young guy who was really excited to go to his first ever high school dance. He was worried about everything going perfectly.

So he spent the entire day of getting ready for the big night. The first thing he did was go to pick up a suit he rented for the occasion. When he got to the rental, there was a long line of kids from his school ahead of them to pick up their suits. So he waited, staring at the time on his phone until he was finally able to pick up his suit and pay. Next he had to pick up a corsage for his date. He went to the florists, but there were several wedding orders being placed, so again he had to wait, nervously, in line. Finally, he got to the end and picked up a corsage.

By this time it was getting really close to the time he had to pick up his date. He was nearly to her house when he got held up by construction and had to wait in a line of cars to pass through. But just in the nick of time, he picked up his date and they headed off to the dance.

In between dancing, he asks his date if she would like anything to drink, she says yes. So he goes up to the beverage table, and there is no punch line.

151Cecrow
May 10, 7:54am Top

>150 rastaphrog:, maybe not, but I liked the story anyway. :)

152mamzel
May 10, 10:54am Top

>149 rolandperkins: I remember a comedian from the time when Polish jokes were heard everywhere, that one should substitute "ignorant" for whatever group was targeted since no one would admit to being insulted to that designation. Works perfectly in this joke!

153Cecrow
May 10, 11:02am Top

154rolandperkins
Edited: May 11, 7:06pm Top

152-153> Iʻll admit that 149 was NOT the usual Hawaiʻi "Portuguese": joke, nor the usual mainland "Polish" joke.

155humouress
May 13, 4:40pm Top

>149 rolandperkins: My son has found a You Tube channel where they read out silly Facebook and Twitter posts. Apparently someone asked why astronauts don’t just try to land in winter, when it’s colder.

156Novak
May 14, 5:40am Top

The reason history doesn’t mention St Ann very much is because she was known to her friends as Stann.

157margd
May 16, 8:55am Top

Vinnie Vegan: Anybody who sells meat is gross.
Carl Carnivore: Oh yeah? Well anybody who sells fruits and vegetables is grocer.

-AARP :-|

158MrsLee
May 17, 9:11am Top

159alco261
May 27, 10:21am Top

Do you know how dumb the average guy is? Well, half of them are dumber than that.

160pgmcc
May 27, 1:58pm Top

>159 alco261:

Groan!

I like it.

161pgmcc
May 27, 1:59pm Top

Hey, do you know a goid GDPR consultant?

Yes!

Can you give me their name?

No!

162Jasper
Jun 14, 11:11am Top

How can you tell the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?
It depends on when the animal sees you - sees you in awhile or sees you later.

163rolandperkins
Jun 14, 2:12pm Top

closing lines of an Ogden Nash poem about a pedantic zoology scholar who lost his wife to a saurian:

"She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile:
"You mean," he said, "A crocodile!"

164hfglen
Jun 14, 2:51pm Top

Not to be confused with Mrs Malaprop's "allegory on the banks of the Nile".

165pgmcc
Jun 15, 3:34am Top

>164 hfglen: I am delighted to see your sense of humour is in fine form and fit for this thread.

166alco261
Jun 15, 3:42pm Top

People who live in glass houses shouldn't.

167pgmcc
Jun 15, 4:27pm Top

168humouress
Jun 15, 10:18pm Top

>166 alco261: Took me a while, mainly because I was waiting for the end of the sentence :0)

169MyopicBookworm
Edited: Jun 16, 3:20pm Top

It reminds me about the comment about a noted London department store:

Selfridges don't.

170alco261
Jun 16, 8:12pm Top

Then there was the human cannonball who wanted to retire but his boss asked him to wait until they could find someone of equal caliber.

171pgmcc
Jun 16, 8:13pm Top

>170 alco261: Good one. I thought you were going to say he got fired.

172bernsad
Jun 16, 8:27pm Top

>171 pgmcc: He really enjoyed his job though, everyday was a blast.

173pgmcc
Jun 16, 8:29pm Top

174alco261
Jun 16, 8:41pm Top

A recent medical study says if you drink a small glass of wine each night for 1200 months you are guaranteed to live to be at least 100 years old.

175alco261
Jun 16, 8:49pm Top

...and finally...a puritan is someone who noes what he likes.

176rolandperkins
Jun 16, 11:23pm Top

1940s (or earlier?) joke:

Doctor: What you have to do is cut down on
the old "wine, women, and song."

Patient: Iʻve already started: I hardly sing at all now!

177ScoLgo
Jun 28, 2:49pm Top

Q: When geese fly in formation, why is one side of the 'V' longer than the other?

A: Because there are more geese on that side.

178WholeHouseLibrary
Jun 28, 2:54pm Top

Probably explains why they always lose when playing Duck, Duck, Goose.

179rolandperkins
Jul 2, 3:12pm Top

Curiosity: Please define "duck, duck, goose"?

180Jim53
Jul 2, 3:54pm Top

>179 rolandperkins: a children's game: a group sit in a circle, and one child walks around the outside, touching each child's head as she passes, saying "duck" for each one, then switching to "goose" for one child. That child leaps up and tries to catch the walker before she can run around the circle and take the place of the child called goose. If the goose catches the walker, the walker repeats her turn going around the circle; if not (much more common as I recall), the child who was called goose becomes the walker.

It occurs to me that "The Child Called Goose" could be a good name for a book or movie.

181rolandperkins
Jul 2, 4:11pm Top

Thanks, Jim53.

182WholeHouseLibrary
Edited: Jul 3, 10:54am Top

Child's game??!!
Sometimes, some musicians and I (note there's a distinction there...) will entertain at a senior assisted living facility, and we do a variation of the above description because a lot of residents are wheelchair-bound.

183ScoLgo
Jul 3, 1:28am Top

>182 WholeHouseLibrary: said, "some musicians and I (note there's distinction there...)"

Why? Are you a drummer? ( *brrda-blam - crash!* ;)

184WholeHouseLibrary
Jul 3, 3:47am Top

>183 ScoLgo: I started out as one; used 3 full kits at once. In time, the guitar amps proved to be too much for my ears, and I spent my last year and a half of high school reading lips and pretending I could hear. So, that's when I learned how to play the guitar, and tune it by feeling the vibrations against my chest. And, since an accident (when I was 4) prevents me from gripping a guitar pick, I finger picked from the start. No particular style, but no one complains.

Now, if only I could sing, they might introduce me as something other than Mike, the Song Butcher. (Not a joke.)

185humouress
Jul 3, 3:53am Top

>182 WholeHouseLibrary: Wait; you have wheelchairs racing around the circle? *mindboggled*

186bernsad
Jul 3, 5:16am Top

>185 humouress: Starting to sound a lot like roller derby.

187cindydavid4
Jul 3, 12:13pm Top

Fav image from years ago - a best friend dying of cancer, and her elderly mother, racing around on their scooters on their wooden floor throughout the house.

188DalilaSmith
Jul 7, 12:01am Top

Oh no! So good hope I don't ruin it when trying to retell it.

189hfglen
Jul 17, 2:33pm Top

"In my business, lady, it's impossible to get a day's work."
"You don't say so! What's your business?"
"I'm a night-watchman."

Natal Witness, 27 Feb. 1896.

190rgurskey
Jul 22, 7:38pm Top

Seen on FB:

When i was a kid I watched The Wizard of Oz and wondered how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got Facebook.

191pgmcc
Jul 23, 3:36am Top

>189 hfglen: Nice one!

>190 rgurskey: How true!

192cindydavid4
Jul 23, 10:34am Top

>190 rgurskey: oh my yes!

193Cecrow
Jul 23, 11:08am Top

>189 hfglen:, reminds me of a friend in school who got a night shift at Walmart. His job title was "Night Stocker". Talk about a job title that you want to spell every time you say it ...

194Darth-Heather
Aug 2, 9:21am Top

A quote from Mary Poppins:

Bert: Uncle Albert, I got a jolly joke I saved for just such an occasion. Would you like to hear it?

Uncle Albert: sobbing I'd be so grateful.

Bert: Well it's about me granddad, see, and one night he has a nightmare. He was so scared, he chewed his pillow to bits. Bits. In the morning, I says, "How you feel, Granddad?" He says, "Oh, not bad. A little down in the mouth."

Bert laughs, Uncle Albert sobs harder

Bert: I always say there's nothing like a good joke.

Uncle Albert: sobbing No, and that was nothing like a good joke.

195jnwelch
Aug 4, 2:10pm Top

^LOL!

196pgmcc
Aug 4, 4:07pm Top

>194 Darth-Heather:

Bert: I've got a friend with a wooden leg named smith.

Uncle Albert: What's the other leg called?

197rolandperkins
Aug 4, 4:26pm Top

Lehigh College football joke of the 1920s:

Lehighʻs football coach, giving his squad "skull practice" placed great emphasis on the importance of the Left Tackle position. He even indulged in hyberbole, saying: "In fact most games ARE LOST at Left Tackle!" Suddenly he noticed that his own left tackle had fallen asleep!

Coach (after waking him up) Were you listening?

LT: Yes.

Coach: All right: Tell me where most games are lost!

LT: Oh, right here at Lehigh, Coach! --when weʻre the home team; if weʻre the visiting team, theyʻre lost wherever weʻre playing.

198alco261
Aug 7, 3:40pm Top

One gossip talking to another after services in church "You know, the minister is right. You should never say anything about someone unless it is good...so I need to tell you something about Gladys...and brother, this is GOOD!"

199pgmcc
Aug 7, 5:15pm Top

>198 alco261: :-)

I think you captured the essence of the minister's message.

200alco261
Aug 7, 8:01pm Top

Q: What song do all cows sing as they are being herded to the barn for milking?
A: Oh, the Yanks are coming the Yanks are coming ....

Yes, it's old but it was considered a very risque joke back in grade school. :-)

201WholeHouseLibrary
Aug 7, 9:05pm Top

Yeah well, you should milk it for all it's worth.

202WholeHouseLibrary
Aug 7, 9:06pm Top

(I know, pretty cheesy of me, wasn't it?)

203rgurskey
Aug 10, 7:32am Top

That's udderly ridiculous.

204jnwelch
Aug 10, 8:40am Top

Please, don't milk it.

205rolandperkins
Aug 10, 2:15pm Top

"I think Iʻll go out and milk the elk." W. C. Fields
-- perhaps the most incomprehensible "joke" of 1930s cinema. Well, youʻd need to hear Fieldsʻs inimitable tone of voice to appreciate it.

206hfglen
Aug 13, 6:57am Top

Q: What's Irish and hangs out in the back yard?
A: Patty O'Furniture

207Cecrow
Aug 13, 8:43am Top

>206 hfglen:, truly a joke that must be written/read (imagine trying to say that one ...)

208hfglen
Aug 13, 8:45am Top

>207 Cecrow: You have to read the space as a pause ...

209margd
Aug 13, 8:47am Top

>206 hfglen: Saving that one for St Patrick's Day!

210alco261
Aug 13, 8:56am Top

We all know Philodendron is an Irish flower but did you know he has a sister, Rhododendron?

211Cecrow
Aug 16, 8:09am Top

Is August 16th "Tell a Joke Day"? https://www.cbc.ca/kidscbc2/the-feed/10-jokes-to-tell-for-tell-a-joke-day

I hadn't heard some of these:

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investi-gator

Why did the banana go to the doctor? It didn't peel well

When is the best time to go to the dentist? At tooth-hurty

Why do golfers have two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one

Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrrrrrr!

212WholeHouseLibrary
Aug 16, 11:54am Top

Hmm, I would think it'd be wise to see the dentist before tooth hurty.

Regardless, I knew a swami that always refused Novocaine and nitrous oxide when visiting the dentist.
His training as a guru taught him to transcend dental medication.

213rolandperkins
Edited: Aug 26, 2:09pm Top

a "why is it called" . . .joke of the 1950s

Why is "the slider" (a new pitch at that time) called a slider?

After what the ball does, not on the way to the plate, but AFTER itʻs hit: It slides off the wall, or over the fence. --Jimmie Dykes, great old-time Philadelphia Aʻs infielder, later manager of the Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Detroit Tigers, and Chicago Cubs

This topic was continued by Bad Joke of the Day 9.

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