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Bad Joke of the Day 9

This is a continuation of the topic Bad Joke of the Day 8.

The Green Dragon

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1margd
Aug 25, 2018, 4:59pm Top

Current Turkish gallows humour:

A prisoner goes to the prison library, asks for a specific book.
The guard tells him, "we don't have that book... but we do have the author."

Moshik Temkin‏ @moshik_temkin (Harvard, Kennedy School)
9:42 AM - 24 Aug 2018

2margd
Aug 25, 2018, 4:59pm Top

Current Turkish gallows humour:

A prisoner goes to the prison library, asks for a specific book.
The guard tells him, "we don't have that book... but we do have the author."

Moshik Temkin‏ @moshik_temkin (Harvard, Kennedy School)
9:42 AM - 24 Aug 2018

3humouress
Edited: Aug 30, 2018, 2:09am Top

‘Dad, I’m hungry!’
‘Hi, Hungry.’
‘I’m serious!’
‘No, you’re Hungry.’
‘You’re joking!’
‘No; I’m Dad.’

Happy Father’s Day for Sunday 2nd September.

4alco261
Aug 30, 2018, 12:11pm Top

Sign seen recently in a small cafe in New Mexico

Unattended children will be
Given a cup of espresso
And a new puppy

5cindydavid4
Aug 31, 2018, 9:02am Top

I always laugh at this, esp because I would assume that you'd do this as said child is out the door. Otherwise your own cafe will soon descend into chaos!

6MyopicBookworm
Sep 2, 2018, 5:09pm Top

I think the version I saw said "Unattended children will be given a double espresso and promised a puppy"...it wasn't a cafe, though.

7hfglen
Sep 3, 2018, 7:15am Top

Our vet has/had a sign with the wording in #4.

8Jim53
Sep 3, 2018, 6:01pm Top

Police Station Toilet Stolen

Detectives have nothing to go on.

9Berly
Sep 3, 2018, 6:28pm Top

10humouress
Sep 17, 2018, 5:24am Top

On the tables at Legoland Malaysia:

Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because he saw the salad dressing.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?
A: Swimming trunks.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

11alco261
Sep 22, 2018, 11:52am Top

Patient laying on psychiatrist's couch: Doctor, I keep having these dreams that I'm a component of a car. In the past month I keep dreaming about the same car part - a tail pipe. What do you think this means?
Psychiatrist: It means you're exhausted.

12MrsLee
Oct 7, 2018, 2:59pm Top

Courtesy of Siri, via my daughter-in-law:

Fun fact: Mr. Spock actually had three ears.

A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

13AHS-Wolfy
Oct 21, 2018, 5:35am Top

Two guys were talking about food when one said:

"I had a chicken tarka the other night, was wonderful."

"Don't you mean tikka?" asked the other.

"No, it's like a tikka but it's a little otter." came the reply.

14hfglen
Oct 28, 2018, 2:27pm Top

Mommy skunk had two young kids, who were called In and Out. They loved exploring their area and playing boisterously. One day they were out exploring when Mommy called them in for mealtime, and only Out came home. Instant panic. So they sent out a major search party. And eventually Out brought his brother home.
"How did you find him?" said Mommy.
"In stinked" replied Out.

15pgmcc
Oct 28, 2018, 3:04pm Top

>14 hfglen: An appropriate groan; i.e. perfect.

16saltmanz
Oct 28, 2018, 11:38pm Top

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: Look for fresh prints.

17alco261
Oct 29, 2018, 7:56pm Top

Short letter from son at college to Dad at home: Dear Dad, No mon, no fun, Your Son
Short letter from Dad at home to son at college: Dear Son, too bad, so sad, Your Dad

18humouress
Oct 29, 2018, 11:15pm Top

This is one my 9 year old son claims he and his friend made up. Given the level of humour, it’s possible.

A fridge fell out of a plane and hit a koala which fell out of the tree.
The second koala fell out of the tree because it was hit by the fridge and the first koala.
The third koala was hit by the fridge and two koalas.
The fourth koala was hit by the fridge and three koalas.

But why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree?
.
.
.
.
.
Peer pressure.
Told you it was bad. What made it giggle-worthy for us was the way he mimicked the koala waking up, looking around, startled, and leaping frantically out of the tree.

19skittles
Oct 30, 2018, 10:29am Top

#18: Cute... very smile-worthy!

20margd
Oct 31, 2018, 8:17pm Top

How do you fix a broken Jack-o-Lantern?
With a pumpkin patch !

21margd
Oct 31, 2018, 8:26pm Top

What do skeletons say before dinner?
Bone appetit!

(Sorry!)

22Florian_Brennstoff
Edited: Nov 1, 2018, 6:59am Top

#18

I really like it. :-D

23cindydavid4
Nov 1, 2018, 9:49am Top

>12 MrsLee: I read that about 10 times over the past week, and just now got it - groan, but good!

24cindydavid4
Nov 1, 2018, 9:51am Top

25rolandperkins
Edited: Nov 3, 2018, 4:26pm Top

Not sure how old this one is: the premise: there is not just one devil, but many.
with occasional recruitment of "rookies".
One day a "rookie" devil consults a "veteran" about how the vet manages to convert so many people to deviltry:
R: I canʻt seem to convert anyone! How do you do it?
V. Well-- what do yOU tell them?
R. Oh, I tell them: Donʻt help other people; donʻt use decent language; donʻt go to church . . .
V. Thatʻll never work: People donʻt like to be told what NOT to do. I tell them to DO all those things.
R. !? Really?
V. Yes, but with one stipulation. I always close with: ʻJust DONʻT do them RIGHT NOW!ʻ

26rgurskey
Nov 15, 2018, 2:48pm Top

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller Brewing orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guiness orders a Coke.
The three CEOs ask him, "Why aren't you ordering a Guiness?"
He replies, "If you guys aren't drinking beer then neither will I."

27MrsLee
Nov 17, 2018, 11:14am Top

>26 rgurskey: *snickers*

28rolandperkins
Edited: Nov 17, 2018, 11:17pm Top

Jame Joyceʻs joke (or is it just word twisting?) on a classic Guiness ad:

"GENESIS is good for you."

29Jim53
Nov 18, 2018, 10:53am Top

Hmmm. I can't find my mood ring this morning. Not sure how I feel about it.

30pgmcc
Nov 18, 2018, 1:47pm Top

31margd
Nov 18, 2018, 3:26pm Top

Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

A: Supplies!

32hfglen
Nov 18, 2018, 3:32pm Top

Urgh! That most certainly belongs here!

33rgurskey
Nov 22, 2018, 2:56pm Top

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea.

34rolandperkins
Nov 23, 2018, 5:03pm Top

An elemntary school teacher who was "Death on" the use of nicknames
called on her class to state their first names.

The first student was named Thomas, and gave his name as
"Tom". The teacher shouted, "Your name is not Tom; your name is
Thomas, -- Thom-ASS!!

The second student's name was William, and he said,
"My name is Bilious."

The third whose name was John said "My name is Jack-ASS!"

(This goes back to the 1930s or earlier; there may be more to it,
but the above is all I remember of it.)

35margd
Nov 24, 2018, 11:30am Top

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

36cindydavid4
Nov 24, 2018, 12:31pm Top

HAHAHAHA!

37hfglen
Nov 29, 2018, 11:07am Top

The local news reports that the Powers That Be want to install a clock on the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Then it'll have both the time and the inclination.

38haydninvienna
Nov 29, 2018, 11:42am Top

>37 hfglen: [hollow groan]

39AHS-Wolfy
Nov 30, 2018, 6:06am Top

Placed an order with Amazon the other day for 4 kindles. They sent me a two Ronnies dvd instead...

Reference for the uninitiated

40MrsLee
Nov 30, 2018, 9:40am Top

>39 AHS-Wolfy: Good skit. I feel the proprietor's pain. Sometimes I think I'm going deaf when I take messages on the phone, but I suspect it is that people use their speaker phones in their cars, and then don't half enunciate.

41rastaphrog
Dec 5, 2018, 9:38am Top

Seen on Facebook....

Person 1: Do you know where Engagement, Ohio is?
Person 2: (Thinking) No, I don't think I do.
Person 1: It's between Dayton and Marion.

42cindydavid4
Edited: Dec 5, 2018, 10:07am Top

In the same vein - If Mississippi gave Missouri a New Jersey, what did Delaware?

Idaho but Alaska.

43rolandperkins
Dec 5, 2018, 10:30pm Top

What did Missis sip, boys;
What did Missis sip?

She sipped a Minne soda,
That's what she did sip.

44Jim53
Dec 9, 2018, 3:26pm Top

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral. A man taps her shoulder from behind and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"Please, go ahead," she says.
He stands slowly, looks around, and says clearly, "Plethora." Then he sits.
She turns and pats his knee. "Thanks. That means a lot."

45pgmcc
Dec 9, 2018, 4:27pm Top

:-)

46AHS-Wolfy
Dec 10, 2018, 8:39am Top

I got up early to watch the sunrise but soon realised I'd forgotten which direction to watch for it. Then it dawned on me.

I then got arrested for doing some anagrams. Apparently the Post Office doesn't like you re-arranging their letters.

47alco261
Dec 12, 2018, 12:45pm Top

A guy hasn't been feeling too well so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor runs some tests, takes a few blood samples, and tells him to wait. About 15 minutes later the doctor comes back, sits down and with a heavy sigh says, "I'm afraid you're suffering from HAGS." The guy says, "HAGS? What does that mean?" The doctor says, "It stands for herpes, aids, gonorrhea ans syphilis." The guy stammers, "Well, ...well, what are you going to do?" The doctor says, "We're going to put you on a diet of pizza and pancakes." The guy says, "Will that help?" and the doctor says," I don't know but it's the only food we can slip under the door."

48pgmcc
Dec 20, 2018, 12:27pm Top

Why do we spell “dark” with a “k” rather than a “c”?

Because one can’t see in the dark.

49hfglen
Edited: Dec 22, 2018, 7:35am Top

There was once, fairly recently, a snail who came int a large sum of money. So he went and bought a Bugatti Veyron, and asked the salesman to arrange that a large letter S be painted on the doors and the roof. The salesman, unable to contain his curiosity, asked why. "Easy" said the snail, "so that when I'm doing 400 km/h down the road the bystanders can say 'man, watch that S car go'."

edited for grammar

50PossMan
Edited: Dec 22, 2018, 2:55pm Top

>49 hfglen:: Went away confused but then I just got it!!

512wonderY
Dec 23, 2018, 7:50am Top

Ha! Hahahaha!

52humouress
Dec 23, 2018, 10:00pm Top

>50 PossMan: Ah! Feeling a bit slow today.

53rolandperkins
Edited: Dec 25, 2018, 1:23pm Top

Very topical: From the era when Deng Tsiao Ping was running China and Mikhail Gorbachev was (more or less) running the new Russia.

Deng and MG had reached a stage of merely cold
diplomatic relations, and MG urged a summit conference
for passing on into "normal" relations; Deng said: only on condition that you ship us some consumer-goods--not BIG shipments, just token amounts to show good faith.

MG: Probably. What do you want?

D: Well, 4 things. First: 800 bushels of wheat?

MG: No problem!

D: Second, 400 liters of vodka?

MG You got it!

D: Third, 200 kilos of caviar?

MG: No sooner said than done!

D: Fourth: 25 sets of golf clubs?

MG: (hesitantly) OOH! That would be really difficult.

D: Why would THAT be so difficult?

MG: BULGARIA doesnʻt produce golf clubs!

This joke is said to be not Bulgarian, Chinese, or Western, but RUSSIAN, in origin!

54margd
Dec 29, 2018, 6:32am Top

What did the microbiology student get for being late to class?
A tardigrade.

A photon checks into a hotel, and the desk clerk says "Can I get a bellhop for your bags?" Photon responds "No need. I'm traveling light."

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

All mushrooms are edible. Some are only edible once.

(from https://www.popsci.com/science-jokes-funny#page-2)

55humouress
Dec 29, 2018, 8:21am Top

From this year's Christmas crackers:

What sort of ball doesn't bounce?
What did one eye say to the other?
Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance?

56humouress
Dec 29, 2018, 8:22am Top

A snowball.
Between you and me, something smells.
Because they have two left feet.

57margd
Edited: Jan 11, 8:43pm Top

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a woman from the Philippines. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Brazilian. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Scotland. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot food on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

(Also told as third man marries a girl from Canada--I think that's the version a cousin's Scottish husband tells. ;-)

58alco261
Jan 11, 7:23pm Top

>57 margd: Thanks, I needed that. I changed the last girl to one from the Caribbean (my wife's point of origin) and sent it to her e-mail. She got quite a laugh out of it and forwarded it to friends down there. I bet by tomorrow morning it will be in every in box on every computer on the various islands.

59rgurskey
Jan 14, 11:27pm Top

NUDE BEACH ....... !!!

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

60rastaphrog
Jan 15, 9:21am Top

>59 rgurskey: I'm stealing that one!

61hfglen
Jan 20, 1:40pm Top

There was this medieval traveller who found himself away from home over the weekend, and had to resort to the hospitality of a monastery one Friday evening. Needless to say, the menu was fish and chips. Not so obviously, this particular meal was excellently done. Afterwards, the traveller found a gent in a brown habit and expressed his compliments to the chef. "Oh", said the monastic gentleman, "you want the Fish Friar. I'm only the Chip Monk."

62humouress
Edited: Jan 20, 2:44pm Top

So you’re American (British, whatever) and you go to a restaurant. You need to use the bathroom and when you return, you’re still American. But what are you when you’re in the bathroom?

European.

And on the way to the bathroom?

Russian.

63alco261
Jan 20, 6:00pm Top

>62 humouress: that's a variation of the question - how do you make a sentence with nationalities? Finnish Russian and European.

64Papiervisje
Jan 20, 6:29pm Top

Rumor has it, the original joke came from Freddy Heineken

65cindydavid4
Jan 20, 8:44pm Top

then there was the HS boy friend who was discribed as Russian hands and Roman fingers

66SylviaC
Jan 21, 8:28am Top

Donald McGeoch's song "The Porcelain Waltz", which is about Shanks toilets, has the line "If you're European, you're a-peein' in Shanks."

67jojoasdwer123
Jan 22, 11:16am Top

where do you find a cross dressing canadian?

at a Klon-dyke bar

68margd
Jan 25, 3:30am Top

Apparently, you can't use beefstew as a password.
It's not stroganoff.

69pgmcc
Jan 25, 3:44am Top

>68 margd: perfect for this thread.

70AHS-Wolfy
Feb 2, 4:23pm Top

You know my dad always said:
“ First rule of theatre? Always leave them wanting more!”
Great bloke , terrible anaesthetist.

71alco261
Feb 3, 11:42am Top

>67 jojoasdwer123: that's a variation on the old

Q: What do you call a lesbian cocktail lounge?
A: A Her-she bar

72jojoasdwer123
Feb 5, 11:11am Top

when does a joke become a dad joke?

when it becomes apparent.

73pgmcc
Feb 5, 11:33am Top

>72 jojoasdwer123:
As a dad I feel compelled to use that. :-)

Actually, my Northern Irish accent makes the pun all the more apparent.

74bernsad
Feb 5, 2:55pm Top

>73 pgmcc: It's good when these things work to your advantage.

75morningwalker
Feb 7, 11:04am Top

Why are redneck crimes so hard to solve??

Because all the DNA matches and there aren't any dental records.

76rgurskey
Feb 13, 6:11pm Top

I don't understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral rates and blame it on the cost of living.

77MrsLee
Feb 14, 9:27am Top

>76 rgurskey: Good one.

78AHS-Wolfy
Feb 16, 6:30am Top

I had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that I had a birthmark that was perfectly shaped like a saxophone. I explained that it was a family trait and that we all had one that are shaped like musical instruments.
He was amazed and said; “Well, in 27 years as a GP I’ve never seen anything like it. Having said that, I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and she had something that was shaped like a Mouth Organ”.
I said; “Ah; that’ll be our Monica”

79pgmcc
Feb 16, 8:34am Top

>76 rgurskey:. :-)

>78 AHS-Wolfy: My wife loved that one. I now have to tell it to my sister, our Monica

80AHS-Wolfy
Feb 16, 10:17am Top

>79 pgmcc: That was the toned down version of the joke but glad to hear it was well received.

81MrsLee
Feb 22, 8:53am Top

From a FB meme:

*romantic setting*

She murmurs, "Undress me with your words."

He replies, "There's a spider in your bra."

82hfglen
Feb 22, 9:14am Top

>81 MrsLee: :-)))

I wonder if that line would work? >;-)

83jnwelch
Feb 22, 4:00pm Top

84hfglen
Feb 27, 8:26am Top

Two labourers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed, “Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all woman’" he said, “We need the height and she gives us the length!”
Ray and Bob are still working for the government - but now they are politicians.

85MrsLee
Feb 27, 9:19am Top

86pgmcc
Feb 27, 12:10pm Top

87Jim53
Feb 28, 8:26pm Top

Granddaughter: What's Yoda's last name?
Grandfather: I don't know, what?
Granddaughter: Lay-hee-hoo!

88pgmcc
Feb 28, 10:33pm Top

>87 Jim53:
:-)
I like your Alpine humour.

89rastaphrog
Mar 1, 8:43am Top

Seen on Facebook....

Orions belt is a waist of space.

Poor joke. Three stars

90pgmcc
Mar 1, 9:12am Top

>89 rastaphrog: A most suitable joke for this thread. :-)

91rgurskey
Mar 4, 6:43pm Top

If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

92ScoLgo
Mar 4, 7:57pm Top

>91 rgurskey: How could it be? They wouldn't even have a bone to pick.

93rgurskey
Mar 4, 8:03pm Top

>92 ScoLgo: :You're hamming it up, now.

94Yamanekotei
Mar 4, 8:04pm Top

Could you two can it, please?

95ScoLgo
Mar 4, 8:39pm Top

>94 Yamanekotei: Sorry! We didn't realize you had a steak in this... ;)

96cindydavid4
Mar 4, 9:27pm Top

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

97hnau
Mar 5, 3:04am Top

Rare joke, well done.

98hfglen
Mar 5, 4:41am Top

>95 ScoLgo: Thinks: And so off they go, like lambs to the slaughter ...

99WholeHouseLibrary
Mar 5, 4:53am Top

These jokes are so baaaaaaad.

100pgmcc
Mar 5, 5:19am Top

The thinking in the last two posts has been a bit woolly.

101haydninvienna
Mar 5, 6:22am Top

You should all be feeling sheepish. And this thread is starting to look like a Piffle Party.

102pgmcc
Mar 5, 6:25am Top

Everyone is flocking to it.

103pgmcc
Mar 5, 6:26am Top

It is a close knit community.

104haydninvienna
Mar 5, 6:31am Top

>183 Peter, you're really ramming the point home.

105pgmcc
Mar 5, 7:14am Top

It’s “shear” skill.

106pgmcc
Mar 5, 7:14am Top

That was a close cut.

107haydninvienna
Mar 5, 7:16am Top

>105 pgmcc: Now tell me why I thought of "Lullaby of Birdland" just then.

108hfglen
Mar 5, 7:17am Top

>107 haydninvienna: Maybe because we're all a bit cuckoo?

109haydninvienna
Edited: Mar 5, 7:21am Top

>108 hfglen: Nope.

ETA let's see what Peter can do with it. It's all a bit of a lark really.

110haydninvienna
Mar 5, 7:28am Top

OK, enough. Famous hit record by George Shearing.

111madpoet
Mar 5, 7:42am Top

Reminds me of Robin Williams' joke:

Did you hear they have a new use for sheep in New Zealand?

-wool.

112madpoet
Mar 5, 7:46am Top

If you tell a bad joke in India, they poke you with a finger.

Well, not all of India, just the Punjab.

113Berly
Mar 10, 5:22pm Top

I just sent a bunch of these to my dad--thanks guys!! LOL

114pgmcc
Mar 10, 6:33pm Top

>113 Berly: What did your dad ever do to you that means he deserves such harsh treatment? :=)

115cindydavid4
Mar 10, 10:01pm Top

>112 madpoet: I read this yesterday. Just saw it again and finally got it. Geesh!

116humouress
Mar 11, 2:23am Top

Q: How do you tell if someone has a glass eye?

A: When it comes out in the conversation.

117Berly
Mar 11, 2:39am Top

>114 pgmcc: Oh, it is total payback because he is always sending me jokes that make me groan. Besides, some of these were pretty good! He is getting off light. : )

118alco261
Mar 12, 1:17pm Top

I went to a vegetarian restaurant recently and on the dinner menu was surf and turf. It turned out to be mud and seaweed.

119rolandperkins
Edited: Mar 12, 8:38pm Top

An obnoxious* pun of I don't know how many decades old:

At a medium-sized railroad station, the station-master
posted a sign reading: "Trains delayed today, Sept. 7:"--
only to be asked by a prospective passenger, who lacked the station-master's skill in spelling::

"You said (all) trains, EXCEPT 7, would be delayed today.
But WHICH seven?

*But, in real life, I DON'T think puns are obnoxious.

120margd
Edited: Mar 17, 4:05pm Top

Pirate: The guns be ready, Captain.

Captain: ARE!

121pgmcc
Mar 17, 7:18am Top

122humouress
Edited: Mar 17, 3:57pm Top

>120 margd: :0D

ETA: hits close to home; I have 2 sons in school.

123pgmcc
Mar 17, 4:07pm Top

>122 humouress: Pirate school, Arghh?

124humouress
Mar 17, 4:14pm Top

Aye

125jnwelch
Mar 17, 4:56pm Top

Pirate: You and me did it, Captain.

Captain: I!

126madpoet
Mar 19, 3:26am Top

Three coworkers were asked to help with a company party. The first two were asked to get food and drinks. The third, a Japanese man, was asked to get supplies. On the day of the party the first two brought the food and drinks, but no one could find the Japanese man. Then someone opened a closet, and the Japanese man jumped out.

"Supplies!" he said.

127Darth-Heather
Edited: Mar 19, 8:33am Top

>126 madpoet: Weird Al used that bit in his movie UHF:

Supplies

128haydninvienna
Mar 19, 3:30pm Top

Waiter: “How would you like your steak done, sir?”
Diner: “Like winning an argument with my wife.”
Waiter: “Right, sir, ‘rare’ it is!”

129MrsLee
Mar 19, 3:38pm Top

>128 haydninvienna: Hahahaha! I like that one.

130morningwalker
Mar 20, 8:54am Top

A guy was out for a walk and saw another guy walking by with 2 penguins. The first guy says, "You should really take those penguins to the zoo." The second guy says "okay."

A couple days later the first guy is out for a walk again and sees the second guy walking by and he still has the 2 penguins. The first guy says, "I thought you were going to take those penguins to the zoo." Second guy says, I did. Today I'm taking them to the museum."

131Yamanekotei
Mar 20, 10:48am Top

>130 morningwalker:

Haha, for a few seconds I was thinking that the second guy was taking the penguins for taxidermy.

132rastaphrog
Mar 24, 12:52am Top

Seen on Facebook


133foggidawn
Mar 25, 3:18pm Top

Did you hear about the bike that went around biting people?

It was a vicious cycle.

134WholeHouseLibrary
Mar 25, 3:46pm Top

That reminds me ...

Years ago, when my sons were in Boy Scouts together, a guest speaker was delayed for the weekly troop meeting (stuck behind a long line of cars due to an accident on the highway.) There was nothing else planned for the evening, so the other adult leaders called to me and asked if I could tell the lads a story. At monthly camp outs, I had a reputation for doing puns and jokes, and sometimes long stories. The lad referred to them as "Mr. Lynch jokes."

For 45 minutes (really,) I extrapolated the premise of the question of the following joke until the intended guest speaker finally appeared through the door, at which time, I delivered the punch line. Here it is:

Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was amputated?

He's all right now.

135madpoet
Mar 26, 2:16am Top

An English teacher had part of his colon removed. Now it's a semi-colon.

136rgurskey
Mar 26, 5:06pm Top

A truck loaded with Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway. Surprisingly there was no congestion for eight hours.

137haydninvienna
Mar 27, 10:10am Top

(Sign on building wall) BILL STICKERS WILL BE PROSECUTED!
Random kid, passing by: “Isn’t it about time they caught that bloke?”

138-pilgrim-
Edited: Mar 27, 10:30am Top

>137 haydninvienna: That one wss hoary when my grandfather told it! :-D

139haydninvienna
Mar 27, 10:32am Top

>138 -pilgrim-: it was probably hoary when his grandfather told it to him too!

140hfglen
Mar 27, 10:41am Top

>137 haydninvienna: An equally ancient version has a piece of graffiti under that sign: Bill Stickers is innocent!

141rolandperkins
Mar 27, 7:19pm Top

Perhaps another version is the (1960s?) movie title:
"Bill POSTERS will be prosecuted". (I haven't seen it
and don't how many jokes are in it.} Maybe "poster" is
British English and "sticker" is American?

142alco261
Mar 27, 8:46pm Top

According to one of the recent etiquette guides if the occasion is a shotgun wedding it is appropriate to throw puffed rice.

143WholeHouseLibrary
Edited: Mar 27, 8:46pm Top

>141 rolandperkins: // We Yanks generally refer to them as posters, or sometimes placards, but the often-ignored warning signs read: Post no Bills.
Go figure!//

144rolandperkins
Edited: Mar 27, 8:57pm Top

I'm a New Englander* by birth, but I've heard only of
"placards" (pretty formal), and "stickers" (not so often)
- - not "posters".

*Ethnically: half Irish, 1/4 Scottish (by way of Virginia}
and 1/4 "Yankee. My surname CAN be Irish, but, in
my case is Yankee".

145pgmcc
Mar 28, 3:19am Top

How do they expect to get paid if they can’t post bills? It must be a cash only ecenomy or else they are promoting electronic payments.

146madpoet
Mar 28, 4:17am Top

Saw a sign recently that said, "Watch for children"

I thought: that sounds like a fair trade!

147hfglen
Mar 28, 4:52am Top

Almost as good as a sign that stood for many years on a major road in Pretoria (outside an old-age home, needless to say): SLOW CROSSING FOR THE AGED

148morningwalker
Mar 28, 8:50am Top

Did you hear about the flasher who was going to retire?

He decided to stick it out for another year.

149cindydavid4
Mar 28, 9:04am Top

Then there was the sign on the San Diego Highway - Exit Cruise Ships

150MrsLee
Mar 28, 9:13am Top

This isn't a joke, happened at work yesterday. We are in the process of hiring a Lube Technician. One of the requirements is that they have their own tools for the job. My boss was asking me to sort of pre-screen applicants, especially those who sent emails to apply, or Facebook responses. He said, "It's no good if they have your standard Craftsman toolbox, either. They need to be mechanic's tools, so find that out." I asked him how to do that, and he said I could ask them to send a photo.

I told him, "I'm not asking a bunch of men to send me a picture of their tools." Happily, my boss has a good sense of humor.

151pgmcc
Mar 28, 10:24am Top

>150 MrsLee: Excellent story.

I am not going to ask what approach you did take to verifying the appropriateness of their tools.

152jnwelch
Mar 28, 1:40pm Top

153WholeHouseLibrary
Mar 28, 1:54pm Top

>150 MrsLee: Please don't tell us you work for a proctologist!

154MrsLee
Mar 28, 2:58pm Top

>153 WholeHouseLibrary: LOL!

Car dealership, in case you were serious. :D

155PossMan
Edited: Mar 28, 3:48pm Top

>147 hfglen::
There's an old folks home near us in Inverness (Scotland) which I drive by often and the board outside it reads "Ach in Eas" (probably with some weirdo accents I've omitted). I assume it's Gaelic and everytime we pass I translate as "pain in the arse"

156hfglen
Mar 30, 11:06am Top

Husband: Have a nice day
Wife: Don't you tell me what to do!

157rolandperkins
Edited: Apr 2, 3:34pm Top

A golfing couple, of whom the wife experiences
diffculties, especially with drives and other longer shots:

Husband: Your problem is that you're LUNGING at the ball.

Wife: (addressing the ball): All right: Watch me NOT lunge!
--(she hits the ball her usual 20-30 yards.)
DID I "lunge"?

Husband: No, but you didn't do anything else,either!

(Anecdote, really, not a joke; true story. In 3 years of caddying
this is the only saying I can remember which implied
that there is more to golf than finding out what your "problem"
is.)

158rastaphrog
Apr 1, 8:50am Top

I can't figure out how to grab the comics graphic, so click the link for a bad pun

http://comicskingdom.com/mother-goose-grimm/2019-04-01

159rgurskey
Apr 1, 3:23pm Top

>158 rastaphrog: That's a good one.

160WholeHouseLibrary
Apr 6, 11:54am Top

Happened to be perusing some emails from almost 15 years ago, and came across s series of puns. They were all good, but this one made me laugh out loud:

Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

161rastaphrog
Apr 7, 10:20am Top

Swiped from FB

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

162Berly
Apr 10, 3:20am Top

Good one!!

163margd
Edited: Apr 11, 2:13pm Top

The three "Morrision Sisters" from "Scalpay", Isle of Harris* are aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.....(Draming and Giggiling)...!!!..

One night the 96 year old runs a Bath, puts her foot in and pauses...!!!..
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"....!!!

The 94 year old yells back,..., "I don't know, I'll come up and see.".!!!!.....
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,...."Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"...!!!!...

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,..."I sure hope I never get that forgetful."
She knocks on wood for good measure and shouts.."I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.".

*Hebrides, Scotland. Some of my ancestors were from the Hebrides. Genes will out, I know... :D

164rolandperkins
Apr 12, 9:00pm Top

A joke ABOUT an ancient joke, with compliments
to an ancient issue of Mad Magazine

Q. How did the saying "Don't give up the ship!" originate?

A. In an old Q & A joke:
Q.: " DO YOU KNOW When is the ship NOT a ship?"
A. You DON'T? GIVE UP? THE SHIP
is NOT a ship when it's a FLOAT!

165alco261
Apr 13, 2:20pm Top

>164 rolandperkins: Specifically, Page 11, top of the page, December 1960 Mad Magazine - Commander Lawrence did not exactly say:

166rolandperkins
Apr 13, 4:18pm Top

Thanks for the dating; I knew it was old, but I didn't think
it was over a half century! (I don't get WHAT Commander Lawrence
"did not exactly say" !?)

167alco261
Apr 13, 8:56pm Top

The article was titled "Famous Lost Words". The gag for Lawrence was...

Commander Lawrence did not exactly say : Don't give up the ship!

What he really said came about like this:

Sailor: Sir, the British have begun firing at us...and I'm frightened!
Lawrence: Maybe I can keep up your morale with this riddle I just made up tell me ... when is a ship not a ship?
Sailor: I don't know sir!
Lawrence: You DON'T? GIVE UP? THE SHIP is not a ship when it's afloat! When it's a float. Get it?

The bold type and the all caps were part of the original cartoon.

168rolandperkins
Apr 13, 8:59pm Top

Thanks, alco261

169-pilgrim-
Edited: Apr 14, 4:09am Top

>167 alco261: Trying to make sense of your post (& its immediate predecessors) took me on a tour of a little bit of American history that I didn't know. Thank you.

170cindydavid4
Apr 14, 1:08pm Top

Hee. always credited 'MAD magazine as my introduction to satire, puns and a twisted sense of humor that I am proud to have!

171AHS-Wolfy
Apr 14, 2:58pm Top

To honour the UK government's handling of the Brexit affair, OXO have decided to release a new cube. They've called it The Laughing Stock!

172WholeHouseLibrary
Apr 14, 3:49pm Top

>171 AHS-Wolfy: The very first computer diagnostic message I every encountered applies here. It read: The interpretation of meaningless data has been attempted.

Me being a Yank, and you being a Brit, please enlighten me regarding the following terms:
1) OXO
2) cube (in its relavance to OXO)
3) The Laughing Stock (Perhaps this will become clear with revelation of the first two.

Thanks in advance,
WHL

173hfglen
Apr 14, 3:59pm Top

>172 WholeHouseLibrary: Help, at least partial, comes from far away.

1) OXO has been around since one year before the flood. It's a dry beef extract
2) It comes in cubes, and is mostly used to make the kind of beef stock that Elizabeth David is on record as heartily disapproving of.
3) "stock" (US: broth, I think) picks up on 2) above. Do speakers of British English need to explain the phrase "a laughing stock"? If so, I'll stand back and make way for someone else.

174WholeHouseLibrary
Apr 14, 7:00pm Top

We'd call Trump and his cronies a laughing stock, except the consequences of his lawlessness is too serious to joke about.

175AHS-Wolfy
Apr 14, 7:41pm Top

>173 hfglen: Thank you Hugh for saving me from having to explain my own joke. Honestly thought that oxo was one of those universally known brands that invade kitchens across the globe.

>172 WholeHouseLibrary: Here's a 1980's TV commercial that should set your mind at rest should you need further explanation of what an oxo cube is.

176foggidawn
Apr 15, 8:52am Top

>175 AHS-Wolfy: We have those here; we'd call it a beef bouillon cube, though. And Oxo isn't a brand that I've seen here in the US.

177PossMan
Apr 15, 10:12am Top

>176 foggidawn:: I expect you could buy "beef/chicken/ham bouillon cubes" here in UK but triple the price for a fancy name and for all I know the same stock cube inside the wrapper.

178cindydavid4
Apr 15, 10:20am Top

I remember using those bullion cubes to make a cuppa soup when I was in college. So glad you can now by broth in boxes - soo much better!

179pgmcc
Apr 15, 10:31am Top

>175 AHS-Wolfy:. No trouble translating your joke here. Everyone loved it.

Where cubes are invoved, resistance is futile.

180alco261
Apr 16, 8:18am Top

Q: How do weigh a millennial?
A: In Instagrams

181humouress
Apr 17, 2:10am Top

182hfglen
Apr 17, 6:51am Top

There was an old man of Calcutta
Who anointed his tonsils with butta
Thus converting his snore
From a thunderous roar
To a soft oleaginous mutta.

183rastaphrog
Apr 17, 9:50am Top

Seen on Facebook...

I took the pee out of a pirate

He was furious!

184cindydavid4
Apr 17, 10:38am Top

Ha!

185pgmcc
Apr 17, 10:55am Top

>183 rastaphrog:
That sounds like the level of interest on a loan to buy an Apple device; the i-rate.

186Yamanekotei
Apr 17, 11:20am Top

>185 pgmcc:

I rate it with three stars. ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

187cindydavid4
Apr 18, 12:29am Top

well thats just piracy!!

188Jasper
Edited: Apr 18, 1:12am Top

This message has been deleted by its author.

189Jasper
Edited: Apr 18, 1:12am Top

This message has been deleted by its author.

190rgurskey
Apr 22, 4:00pm Top

From FB:

I got a ride from a Russian Uber driver.
His name was Pickup Andropov.

191haydninvienna
Apr 24, 5:15am Top

And what of the really, really smart orangutan who read Darwin and the Bible and was ever after worried that he might be his keeper's brother ...

192rastaphrog
Apr 24, 9:52am Top

Seen on FB, need the pic as it's a visual "joke"


193alco261
Apr 24, 2:31pm Top

Wife to Husband: How about a quickie for lunch?
Husband to Wife: That's pronounced quiche!

194rgurskey
Apr 24, 7:22pm Top

>193 alco261:

It seems like the roles should be reversed in that joke.

195alco261
Apr 24, 9:05pm Top

I thought so too but that was the way it was printed.

196hfglen
Apr 26, 6:13am Top

Q: Why couldn't the hen find her eggs?
A: Because she'd mislaid them.

197rolandperkins
Apr 26, 10:09pm Top

a pretentious-looking tourist in Maine approached
a local retailer, and asked, "Would you happen to have
anything in the way of some ginger ale?"

His reply: 'Yes ma'am; we have three cases of hahd
cidah that are in the way of some gigiah ale right now.
But if you want the gingiah ale, we can move the cidah!"

198margd
Apr 27, 5:57am Top

Best ginger beer I've tasted was from the Caribbean (Jamaica?) by way of Quebec. Has a trace of capsicum in it. Bottles are small and it's surprising refreshing.
Talk about "pretentious: after discovering it, we've actually had summer "tastings" to look for a US equivalent!

DH brewed ginger ale one Christmas. Couldn't send kids to fruit cellar to get one because his ginger ale exploded, easily!
In the end, I think he had to open the bottles down there with thick gloves and lots of towels. And safety glasses.

Same thing happened with some craft ginger ale he bought the kids at Trader Joe's!
TJ gave him his money back and asked that he PLEASE not return the product. :D

199WholeHouseLibrary
Apr 28, 3:00am Top

True story: When I was in high school, the mother of my best friend (a Kentucky native) was heavily into canning home-gown vegetables, and making root beer; had one of those devices that pushes the cap onto the bottle.
One day, she asked me if I wanted to try one. So, of course, I said yes. She got out the bottle opener and began to unstop the bottle. As soon as the grip broke, the cap shot off the top of the bottle, taking the bottle opener with it, and embedded itself in the ceiling. She needed a dozen stitches in her fingers from where the back end of the opener sliced through.
I never did have that root beer, but the kitchen smelled great.

2002wonderY
Apr 28, 5:06pm Top

>198 margd: My sister and brother-in-law periodically sponsor taste test parties searching for "the best ..." I've participated in the local dark chocolate maker party and the pizza party; but the most fun was the Irish Creams party. Dunno why.

201madpoet
Apr 28, 7:55pm Top

What does Ironman wear under his suit?

Nothing. He's Stark naked.

202haydninvienna
Apr 29, 2:21am Top

>200 2wonderY: I always knew that the Pub was an educational place, but now I've discovered that "Irish cream" isn't only Bailey's. Wikipedia mentions 4, and a quick Google turns up several more. How many did you test?

203haydninvienna
Apr 29, 2:24am Top

>200 2wonderY: Now I'm trying to imagine what a tasting party for Irish creams would be like. Of course you spat out each tiny sip of each one, right?

2042wonderY
Apr 29, 8:26am Top

>202 haydninvienna: Five or six, I think. And I believe St. Brendan's was top; Bailey's came in third.
>203 haydninvienna: Uh, right! If you insist.

205pgmcc
Apr 29, 8:38am Top

>203 haydninvienna: & >204 2wonderY:
I carried out a computer system implementation for Bailies in the 1990s. It was fascinating to learn about the Irish Cream market. They had developed the concept and their marketing responses to the challengers was interesting.

206Darth-Heather
Apr 29, 11:38am Top

>204 2wonderY: In case any other lactose-intolerant folks are wondering, Baileys Almande is very tasty. It is dairy free, made with almond milk.

207rastaphrog
Apr 30, 10:24am Top

Seen on Facebook...

Elvis Costello and ABBA are touring together this summer but they haven't figured out who the headliner will be. So, watch for ABBA and Costello to find out who's on first.

208-pilgrim-
Apr 30, 1:30pm Top

209cindydavid4
May 2, 7:06am Top

210MrsLee
May 3, 11:17pm Top

Seen on Netflix Maniac series, episode 4.

What did the Buddha say when he walked up to the hotdog vendor?

"Make me one with everything. "

211AHS-Wolfy
May 16, 2:11pm Top

I watched a documentary about shipbuilding last night.

It was riveting.

212rgurskey
May 17, 5:43pm Top

> 211

Whatever floats your boat.

213ScoLgo
May 17, 7:50pm Top

>211 AHS-Wolfy: It certainly sounds as though your attention was fastened onto what you were watching.

214ScoLgo
May 17, 7:53pm Top

>192 rastaphrog: Thank you for posting this! I have a friend with the same last name. I edited a photo of him with & without cigar and sent it to all of our mutual friends. Hilarity ensued.

215rgurskey
Today, 10:49pm Top

Seen on a number sticker:

EARTH without ART is EH.

Group: The Green Dragon

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