Well intentioned advice, but difficult to implement. Quite preachy, which was offputting. Still, I'd recommend it as I liked its advice to think more deeply about how simple things that we do affect our kids. ( )

After the author argued against physical punishment, time outs, reward charts and praise I wondered what was left. Love. Reason. Humor. Probably a good approach for all of our relationships." ( )

Very interesting book to read.

Kohn presents a lot of data at the start of the book to really encourage thinking about what traditional parenting looks like and the effects it has on children. After going over all the data - which suggests we are mostly conditional parenting and that is unhealthy for our children, he discusses how to be unconditional.

I admit, I wasn't prepared to read all the data. Some of it was very eye opening really made me think. I just reached a point where I didn't want to read it anymore. Kohn points out most parenting books use no data or research to back up their claims and only anecdotal evidence. I really think it's because the data makes the book feel heavy and it wasn't what I thought I was getting. My guess is most books discussed studies and data and numbers fewer parents would read them.

That aside, the book felt sort of vague to me during the second half, which is the how to half. But if you think about it, you can't really write hard, fast rules to follow these principles, and yet, aside from loving unconditionally and not loving conditionally, I wasn't sure what the principles were.

In the end, I felt I understood enough of what he was saying to get it, and yet the book felt lacking somehow. (Of course, I can only offer vague reasons why - which is ironic!) But it made sense. The data presented really made me think (I just think he spent more time then he needed to on it).

The most important thing to me though is that I walked away with a good sense of conditional parenting and wanting to be more like that. I admit I saw myself in some of the conditional anecdotes, which really made me cringe and think I don't want to do that anymore! And yet on the other hand, I walked away feeling like I was already doing a lot of right things. And who doesn't like a book that validates some of what you are already doing! ( )

There were some interesting principles in this book but it took a little too long to get there. If I read this when my son was an infant, I feel like I could get more out of it. As he is a teenager, the author didn't give many suggestions or advice for implementing his principles. ( )

While very few parents and parenting books still argue that corporal punishment will help turn out a well-balanced child, most do propose time-outs, bribes, and praise as successful disciplining techniques for raising well-behaved children.

In Unconditional Parenting, Alfie Kohn goes further. He argues that conventional techniques (such as time-outs, bribes, and even praise) may harm our children emotionally. Kohn argues that time-outs and bribes, for example, may get children to do just what they are told to do (”well-behaved”), but they fail to help a child learn for themselves and they fail to engage the child in life. Even praise stifles the child’s creativity rather than encouraging the child to evaluate their work for themselves. Rather than “doing things to” their children, parents should “work with” them at all times. “Doing to” techniques, Kohn argues, only represents love that is conditional on the child’s behavior. Parents should always show unconditional love for their children.

Kohn’s arguments are compelling and convincing, and I highly appreciate some of the advice he imparts. Unconditional Parenting is apparently well-researched, and the end notes provide lots of further information.

In the end, however, I dislike the authoritative tone Kohn imparts for his ideas; I found myself repeatedly wondering why he’s an “expert.” His oldest child is ten years old; how is he to say what will work for the long-run? He has yet to parent through the teenage years. Besides, I think any “successful” parenting requires more of a balance than he seems to propose.

Kohn has some valuable insights into parenting, but I don’t think his opinions are always relevant for my personal parenting needs, or for parenting in general.

More detailed review on my blog