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Curses! A F**ked-Up Fairy Tale by J. A.…

Curses! A F**ked-Up Fairy Tale

by J. A. Kazimer

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***Originally posted on BunnyCates.com***

My Thoughts:
In this story, the main character RJ has been put on leave by the evil Villain Union and cursed to “do good”.  Which as you can guess, for a villain, is torture.   When Asia, Cinderella’s stepsister, shows up and mistakes RJ for the famous inspector Sherlock; his curse renders him unable to deny her request for help.  She is there seeking the famous inspector to help her find Cinderella’s murderer.  All hilariousness ensues.
I loved the plot, there was a hella lotta comedy and just enough mystery to keep you guessing.  I loved the characters, ALL OF THEM.  I loved the story arc.   So entertaining, build build build and payoff at just the right time.
In Conclusion:
I loved this.  As in read it in a day, LOVED.  It was in the like the “raw” humor that Shrek or MegaMind was, only for grown ups.  You know… Snarky and a little naughty.  LOL!  This book is a mystery, a comedy, and a fairytale all rolled into one and I LOVED IT.  I definitely say pick it up, especially if you are looking for some light reading and a lot of laughing.  Hilarious.
Mom Notes: *Not for kids. Contains cussing, etc.

Series ALERT: *Froggy Style will be out March 2013*

Now available for PREORDER!!!!

**This review is of an ARC** ( )
  BunnyCates | Jul 8, 2015 |
Take a darkly comic romp through the land of Mother Goose inside the skull of a lecherous villain who has been forced to play nice by magical restraining order. While the characters are all familiar, this is definitely not the fairy tale land you remember from preschool. ( )
  Jefficus | Apr 25, 2014 |
Soo...despite my prolonged absence from GR, I'm not dead. And to celebrate that fact, this is my first review in awhile. I wish it could have been a slightly more positive review, but one takes the cards one's been dealt, I guess.

I picked this book because I'm a big fan of authors Jasper Fforde and (at times) Christopher Moore. I include them in the same list because their books tend to have very irreverent attitudes, yet somehow manage to wallop you with actual plot and character developments at the end, and I'd hoped that Kazimer might be a fledgling version of Fforde or Moore. Unfortunately...no, not really.

First, a good thing: the humor in this big is present in a big way. For the first third of the book, I found myself laughing out loud. Our protagonist, R.J., was once an evil villain, but has since been removed from the villainous union and is cursed to be nice until he can get his life back on track. Asia is his love interest, who, naturally, is the smoking-hot "ugly" step-sister of Cinderella.
Was her killer lurking somewhere? I smiled at the thought, remembering the joy of lurking. Ah, the good old villainous days.
The problem, though, is that the same old jokes keep getting repeated. R.J. is emasculated, Asia is kind of evil but R.J. thinks it's hot, Pamela Hans Christian Anderson, yadda yadda yadda. About halfway through, I stopped laughing out loud and started waiting for the plot to start up. And that's the kicker about this book: unlike Fforde or even Moore, the humor is the main event. The plot's certainly not going to keep you there, since it's basically a series of events tied very loosely together that don't make a lot of sense. And God knows the characters aren't enough to keep you invested, since they're all about as deep as a drinking fountain.

This is definitely not a book for people who are easily offended by cheap jokes or lazy writing, since it has both. I like to think I went into this book with a fairly open mind (after all, it's clearly labeled as F**ked Up Fairytales) but this book's portrayal of women set my teeth on edge a couple of times. The reader is constantly reminded that Asia is fat, but R.J. still finds her hot. How selfless of him. (At one point, we're told Asia weighs 150 lbs. Apparently, it's a miracle I'm able to get out of bed in the morning, since I think I weigh more than that.) Asia is probably the closest thing to a "positive" female role model the book's got, but considering that she's constantly agonizing over her weight for the entire book, I'm using the term loosely.

Basically, to sum things up: this book can be good for a distraction, but not unlike the sun, if you look at it too long your head will explode. Or something. ( )
  Becky_Jean | Mar 31, 2013 |
RJ is a fairy tale villain. Except the Union has cursed him for a screw up and now everything he does is not villainous at all. Oh, no. Everything he does, no matter how villainous he tries to be, turns out to be nice. It’s enough to make a bad villain cry.

RJ has been cursed for six days and it’s driving him crazy. He wants to get back to villainy, but the Union thinks he needs a little more time, maybe even a vacation. Then he comes home to find a pretty, sexy and ravenous woman in his favorite chair. She inhales his dinner and asks him to help her solve what she believes is the murder of her stepsister, Cindy. As in Cinderella. Yep. Cindy was pushed in front of a bus and Asia wants to know who did it. Because of the curse, RJ can’t say ‘No.’ and besides he’s hoping to score with the pretty, sexy woman, so off they go to the Kingdom of Maledetto to find themselves a murderer.

Amusing and irreverent this is not a story you want to read to the kiddies. No, no, no. This is for grown ups. The fun I had reading it is probably only slight compared to the fun I imagine was had in the writing of it. Perverting fairy tales. Why didn’t I think of that?! I look forward to reading Book 2!

*The publisher provided a copy of this book for me to review. Please see disclaimer page on my blog. ( )
  AVoraciousReader | Feb 2, 2013 |
Review Courtesy of Dark Faerie Tales

Quick & Dirty: A raunchy mix of childhood fairy tales with very adult language and content.

Opening Sentence: A delivery kid stood in front of me in the pastel hallway of my four-story walk-up on the edge of the Easter Village.

The Review:

Finally, a book that lives up to its title. F***ed-up doesn’t even begin to adequately describe all of the high jinks in this book of fairy tale fallacies. It turns all the things we think we know about our beloved fairy tale characters and puts them on their heads. I don’t think that I have laughed this hard reading a book in a while.

RJ, and you can guess his real name, is in a funk. The Villain Union has put him on mandatory health leave and cursed him to do (shutter) only good things. What an outrage! So when the (not so) ugly step-sister of Cinderella, Asia, comes to him for help in solving her step-sister’s murder, he does. Damn union. This plunges him head first into a f***ed-up case full of curses, crisis’s, and catastrophes that make him want to cry wee wee wee all the way home.

RJ is a wonderfully devious character. He lies, cheats, and steals his way through life. So now that he is cursed to do… nice… things, what has he got to live for? One very sexy step-sister for starters. Asia is hot, and needs his help. Well, she needs the help of the famous Inspector Holmes of Fairy Yard; maybe she should have asked RJ for ID before making any assumptions about his identity. Normally, RJ would only “help” himself into her pants but this time he is compelled to follow her home to the Kingdom of Maldetto in search of Cinderella’s killer. Damn that union curse! RJ uses his knowledge of villainous tactics to piece together the clues that point him in the right direction. After falling hip-first in love with Princess Asia, RJ swears to help her with her curse as well. Will the man never learn to shut his mouth already? At this rate, all the other villains are going to call him names and then not let him play in any of their villain games. Maybe Asia can help him pass the time instead.

Princess Asia is, to coin the phrase from Shrek, like an onion; she has many layers and not all of them make her come up smelling like roses. Her curse makes her gain an unnatural amount of weight if she eats within the borders of her home kingdom. How can anyone love her when she has the potential to crush them under her massive girth? Is there no man out there that can see past all the bulbous fat to find the beauty hidden within? But perhaps the whole “damsel-in-distress” act that she gives RJ is not the real her either. Maybe she is not all sugar and spice and everything nice after all. Will RJ and Asia find their Happily Ever After when each one has something to hide?

Lots of other things happen while RJ is in the Kingdom of Maldetto. When several local villains turn up murdered, RJ becomes the authorities’ number one suspect. Not that he would be above such things normally, but it is not possible in his current impotent state. Yet, how can a known villain prove his innocence while still maintaining his evil status? And why is Prince Charming marrying one of the King’s daughters when it is clear to everyone else that he’s gay? How can RJ help out the other step-sister, Dru, find a prince of her own when she has clearly been beaten with the ugly stick? Most importantly to RJ; why is it that no villain has claimed the murder of Cinderella? Shouldn’t they be boasting about it? If a villain is not responsible, who had the motive to off the seemingly beloved Cinderella mere weeks before her wedding?

The whole book riffs off of countless fairy tales and nursery rhymes. I absolutely LOVE the uses and references of childhood stories that are turned into something completely inappropriate for my children to read. Hats off to Kazimer for making me see these beloved stories through the eyes of my not-so-pure adult mind. I can’t wait to see what the author comes up with next.

Notable Scene:

“My, what big feet you have.” Her eyebrows rose.

“Yeah. Ummm… look, kid,” I began and then took off running. I’d read the New Never News articles about a little red-hooded serial killer too many times to be her eighth victim.

I barreled my way through the forest, leaping over downed logs and ducking dive-bombing bluebirds. High-pitched, insane laughter followed me no matter how fast I ran.

“My, my, what big ears you have!”

I doubled my speed.

“My, my, what big eyes you have!”

Terror gave me added strength to run even faster.

“My, my, what short legs you have!”

I pulled to a stop. “Hey, my legs are not short. They’re average for a man of my size.”

“Average for a short man maybe.” The crazy red-hooded bitch laughed. An ax flew over my head, missing my scalp by inches. It planted itself in a tree. Another burst of laughter followed.

Fuck it. Now wasn’t the time to discuss the relativity of stature and the evils of the metric system. I took off running again, ducking and weaving through the Enchanted Forest like a big, not-so-nice wolf with a basket of freshly baked goodies on his way to visit his nana.

No matter how fast I ran, the red-hooded chick stayed right on my heels. I had to find a place to hide, somewhere that the crazy bitch would never find me. Ah, there, on the right. The pond where I’d first met Dru.

Lungs bursting, I dove into the slime-coated pond with a splash. The water rippled and then settled, hiding me from my would-be ax murderer not yet tall enough to ride the Tea Toddler at Feyland. Above me, her apple-cheeked reflection danced across the water, the shine of her ax glowing like a beacon.

Trust me, the irony wasn’t lost on me. There I was, a world-famous villain, hiding from a little girl in red tights. Pathetic. No wonder the union gave me the boot.

The F***ed-Up Fairytales Series:

1. Curses! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale

FTC Advisory: The author provided me with a copy of Curses! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale. No goody bags, sponsorships, “material connections,” or bribes were exchanged for my review. The only payment received came in the form of hugs and kisses from my little boys. ( )
  DarkFaerieTales | Apr 15, 2012 |
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"I'm no hero. In fact, up until a couple of days ago, I was the villain. Kidnapped maidens, scared kids, stole magic tchotchkes- until I got into a little scrape with the union. Now I'm cursed with the worst fate in New Never City- no matter what I do, I gotta be nice. So when a head-case princess named Asia barges into my apartment and asks me to find out who whacked her stepsister, Cinderella, I have no choice but to help her. And I'm more than willing to head back to her parents' castle and do some investigating if it means I can get into her black leather cat suit. Except this twisted sister has a family nutty enough to send the Biggest Baddest Wolf running for the hills- and a freaky little curse of her own"--Cover verso.… (more)

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