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King of the Perverts by Steve Lowe

King of the Perverts

by Steve Lowe

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★★★★ King of the Perverts by Steve Lowe
This is a R2R, that was given to me in exchange for my honest opinion. So, Cage your sloth!

So as I seat by my window, overlooking the water, in only my sloth knee highs Source: Uploaded by user via Chantelle on Pinterest and tool belt, Source: Uploaded by user via Chantelle on Pinterest I think about what the day has in store for me. It is such a pretty day. Oh, the possibilities. All of a sudden, something catches my eye. I can’t help but notice my neighbor, Jeff, sitting under his portico, Source: Uploaded by user via Chantelle on Pinterest in just his Constabulary hat. Source: Uploaded by user via Chantelle on Pinterest But then I notice he is eating pączki. Source: Uploaded by user via Chantelle on Pinterest That’s when I start laughing, so hard I fall from the window bench. How appropriate, a cop and his doughnuts.
Jeff hears me, and I try to hide, but it’s too late, he knows it’s me. So in all his glory, he strolls right up to my window. He says, “Well, well, well, what have we here. Shall I ticket you, for being a Peeping Tom?” I try to grab my robe, but it’s useless, it’s too far away. Then to make matters worse, my favorite song comes on, and he picks that very second to start paying attention. I am horrified when Jeff, tells me if I sing it to him, we can forget this ever happened. So here goes,

Is it bad that I never mad love? No I never did it
But I sure know how to fuck
I’ll be your bad girl, I’ll prove it to you
I can’t promise that I’ll be good to you
Cause I have some issues, I won’t commit
No, not having it
But at least I can admit that I’ll be bad to you
Yeah, I’ll be good in bed, but bad to you
Bad that I never made love, no I never did it
But I sure know how to fuck

Jeff is standing at attention, and I must admit, I’m getting incredibly aroused. He just smiles, and says, “Inway atthay asecay, etlay’say actway outway away ewfay enesscay omfray isthay ookbay Iway’may eadingray. Ouyay aughtynay ittlelay Eenquay ofway ethay Ervertspay. Esyay/Onay?” I just shake my head, because I just know he’s up to no good.

He steps in through the open window, and begins to read, from a book he’s been holding under his arm. He reads to me about a man named Dennis, his wife cheats on him, divorces him, takes everything, and leaves him to sleep on his brother’s couch. Ok so now I’m confused, why do I have a naked guy, grinning like there is no tomorrow, reading to me?

I hear him say “Golden Shower and Alligator Fuckhouse,” and all I can think is I’ve heard these terms before. But at this point I’m more concerned with whatever foreign language he thought he’d trick me with. I let him continue to read, as I pull up a translator on my phone. All I can remember is “actway outway away ewfay enesscay”, and I do not like what I find. Of course it means “act out a few scenes,” and of course, he’s speaking in pig latin. I control myself, and let him to continue to read, all while using my handy dandy little translator.

When he’s finished, he looks up and says “Well?”I look at him as serious as I can and say, “Ilewhay Iway ovedlay ethay ookbay, utbay oughtthay ethay endingway asway utcay ortshay ybay away enescay. Ouyay irsay areway away icksay igpay. Oweverhay, Iway ouldway ebay adglay otay ivegay ouyay away "Irtyday Anchezsay," incesay ouyay ouldway ikelay otay actway ingsthay outway. Andway ilewhay eway areway atway itway, ouyay ancay ophay aroundway, ayingsay ARRRWAY. I'mway uresay Iway ouldcay indfay away ayway otay akemay atthay appenhay orfay ouyay." He’s mouth hits the flow. He starts running out the door when I yell, “I’ll be sure to recommend this book to everyone, for you, and let them know to watch out for the “King of the Perverts. ”He never bothered me again.

And to think that wasn’t even on my list of possibilities for the day.

( )
  Chantelle713 | Sep 25, 2013 |
The story begins in medias res with Dennis contemplating how it is he is going to complete a particular sex act, for he has entered into a reality television contest wherein men compete to see who can complete the most esoteric and perverse sex acts. Dennis is quickly in over his head, his innate decency at war with his desire to win enough money to take care of all the problems he faces after his financial and sexually profligate wife, Carrie, left him. Dennis, who is actually a very nice and sexually average guy, is faced with completing a golden shower with an imposingly pretty woman. Overcome by nerves, he is trying to get it all over with as easily as he can, but nothing really comes easy for Dennis, or without a lot of rumination:

"Asking her to pee on me would go over better than asking if I could pee on her. As far as I understand the rules of the game, a golden shower is a golden shower, regardless of the recipient. So better me than her.

But I can’t honestly claim chivalry here. There’s a performance anxiety element to this, like trying to piss at one of those cattle troughs in a football stadium, where you’re shoulder to shoulder with dozens of guys, staring at the wall in front of you, forcing your eyes to remain locked straight ahead and not wonder if you had the guy next to you beat in the meat packing department. Nothing was worse than holding up the shuffling, drunken queue behind you because you couldn’t make wee-wee when the moment of truth arrived."

So how does his first golden shower work out for Dennis?

"Waterboarded by a babe."

You can read my entire discussion here: http://ireadoddbooks.com/king-of-the-perverts-by-steve-lowe/ ( )
  oddbooks | Dec 6, 2012 |
REVIEW ALSO ON: http://bibliomantics.com/2012/08/28/bizarro-blursday-cassie-la-reviews-king-of-t...

King of the Perverts isn’t a shy novel, bringing things right out of the gate by opening with a golden shower and some light vomiting. That being said, this novella is not for readers with weak stomachs or the unperverse. Definitely making that a word now. The finale in particular is disturbingly nauseating and I had to take a break from my reading to make it past some of the more raunchy sex acts. But if that’s your sort of thing, this is the book for you! Perverts.

Strange sexual proclivities aside, underneath the donkey punches is a smart, witty satire. On porn. A pornographic satire if you will about the industry, the way woman are treated in that sphere and a whole lot of questions about consent. And yes, all those themes will be addressed in the text in one way or another. Even if it’s ultimately about women debasing themselves for notoriety and profit. As a woman I don’t necessarily agree with the decisions of my fictional female counterparts, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen or that it’s not just a commentary on the inner-workings of the porn industry. It’s an unfortunate part of the American way. Or the porny way.

The story itself follows Dennis, a non-descript forgettable, average guy caught up in a bad marriage with the former love of his life, Carrie. While Dennis works hard to give his wife everything she could possibly want, Carrie is too busy being an archetypical demanding spouse who spends all Dennis’ money and is more concerned with being an unemployed romantic to do anything for herself. WARNING: there are very few likeable characters in this book. She further shatters all of Dennis’ hopes and dreams when she gives birth to a baby of a different race. Whoops!

With all these troubles, you would expect Dennis to be a pretty pessimistic guy, right? Nope! He’s a humorous narrator who sees life in sassy ways. Which is good because not much goes right for him. Where he really shines is the side commentary. For example, “Curse you, shitty Applebee’s bartender and your watered down, suburban-housewife-strength mixing skills.” Although, can you really call an Applebee’s bartender a bartender? That’s like saying Applebee’s serves real food. Applebee’s is people! Applebees is people!

But Cassie, weren’t you going to talk about how the book is a satire on pornography? Now you’re just telling us about Dennis and how he’s a funny guy who has bad luck with the ladies. To which I say, shut up, I’m getting there, let me lay out the plot for you first! In a possible stroke of good luck, Dennis finds himself embroiled in a porno turned game show, hosted by former porn star Peter Oh’Tool. Dennis is sent out into the world to complete a series of sexual challenges like “the alligator fuckhouse” and the Abe Lincoln AKA a gorilla mask with unsuspecting women. Along with more expected sexual positions like the dirty sanchez and the rust trombone. What is this review?

Enough of all that though, onto the satirical elements. We are told “King of the Perverts” is put on by Dixar Studios and there are also puns on words like cliterature and fapfests. ::facepalm:: This fictional porn company is so big it literally rivals the company Pixar. How has Dixar not been sued for some sort of copyright infringement yet by Pixar!?! ( )
  yrchmonger | Aug 28, 2012 |
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Amazon.com Product Description (ISBN 098496925X, Paperback)

Poor Dennis. He's a regular sort of guy who's recently been dealt a shitty hand by life: he lost his job, his wife hates him and wants a divorce, and it turns out she was also cheating on him as well. Now he's living on his brother's couch. Holy fuck, that sucks. Dennis can't imagine things could get much worse, and that's why he jumped at the opportunity to take part in a new reality game show: a "sexcathlon" where the first person to achieve 10 increasingly difficult and perverted sexual challenges wins a million dollars and is crowned King of the Perverts. Dennis doesn't care about the title, he just wants the money, but now he's not sure he can make it to the end. Enduring a golden shower and following through with an Abe Lincoln are hard enough, but he's losing his nerve and fears what act of perversion will come next. He'd like to drop out, but his Russian bear of a cameraman, Mongo, has other plans for him and that million dollar prize, and Dennis has to decide which is worse: winning the King of the Perverts, or losing it.

(retrieved from Amazon Thu, 12 Mar 2015 18:14:49 -0400)

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