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Real Vampires Don't Sparkle by Amy…
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Real Vampires Don't Sparkle (edition 2013)

by Amy Fecteau

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186561,019 (3.5)None
Member:Stomplib
Title:Real Vampires Don't Sparkle
Authors:Amy Fecteau
Info:Curiosity Quills Press (2013), Paperback, 386 pages
Collections:New, Adults
Rating:
Tags:vampires

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Real Vampires Don't Sparkle by Amy Fecteau

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2.5

*Book source ~ A review copy was provided in exchange for an honest review.

Mysterious 28-yr-old Matheus Taylor is living his life they way he wants when he is abruptly murdered. Quin, a 1700-yr-old vampire uses Matheus to get an artifact then callously murders him in a filthy alley. Well, technically Quin turned Matheus into a vampire, but in order to do that he had to kill Matheus first. And Matheus never lets Quin forget that he was murdered and turned against his will. However, Matheus has a little problem. He’s attracted to Quin even though he swears he’s not gay. So, not only does he have to get used to a new way of living, he has to confront things about himself he’s buried deeper than the Mariana Trench. While he alternates burying his head in the sand and reaching self enlightenment the vampire world is under attack and his past comes back with a vengeance. Will he, Quin and their friends survive the war to come?

The title drew me in because I am so not a fan of that crap that is Twilight. After reading the blurb I figured this would be a good vampire story to, um, sink my teeth into. And to a point, it is. I love the humor and snarkiness in this story. Whenever Matheus isn’t whining like a little girly baby he is pretty damn funny. Quin is sexy and a saint to put up with him. Honestly I both hated and loved Matheus. I can’t decide if he was more annoying or more entertaining. He may have the distinction of being the only character I’ve ever read that is 50/50 with me. When he’s being a snarky smartass I love him. His observations and the way he interacts with his world is so entertaining that when he’s being unreasonably stubborn, digging in his heels only to be contrary and whining, whining, whining it kills me that I just can’t stand him.

The writing is very good and the plot flows fairly smoothly with only a few bumps in the road, but what really did it in for me is the abrupt ending. It was like how I feel when I ride a roller coaster. I’m going up, up, up, clankityclankityclank, I’m cresting the hill and then…whoosh! Right over the top and dropping straight down. Only with this book, that was it. The drop and then nothing. The end. Where’s the end?! I was massively confused. And mad. It was only after I looked around on the internet to see what was up that I realized the book in my hands was only a portion of the story. It’s apparently only Volume One and I didn’t see that at the bottom of the blurb. It doesn’t say so in the title. I loathe abrupt endings. If I had known the whole story wasn’t out there yet I would have waited. Now, I can go to the website and read a new chapter every Sunday (there are now 41 additional chapters from where my book stopped), but I don’t have time for that and I have no idea when it will be done. So, I’ll wait until the book is truly done, complete, fini before I go back to it.

I also need to mention the editing in this one needs some work. A few mistakes I can ignore, but constant mistakes need to be mentioned. The biggest problems were missing or duplicated words. If a fine tooth comb was used then a finer toothed one is needed. ( )
  AVoraciousReader | Apr 4, 2014 |
Fun book to read I hope there is more to come. ( )
  AnotherDarnReader | Feb 18, 2014 |
Book Info: Genre: Urban Fantasy/M/M romance
Reading Level: Adult
Recommended for: Anyone who likes vampire stories especially with plenty of humor
Trigger Warnings: murder, torture, slavery

My Thoughts:
“Somehow, Matheus expected the night he died to be fraught with weather straight out of the Old Testament: thunderstorms and hurricane winds and floods with arks.”
Right from that first line I knew I was going to absolutely love this book. So here's the thing. While the book isn't funny, it's very comedic at times.
Matheus's thoughts and comments made me laugh over and over, especially things like,
“Quin stalked beside him, his anger a physical presence between them. Matheus named it Bob, and addressed imaginary questions to it to distract himself.”
and
“Quin took on the air of someone who has just realized it's time for the yearly visit to the spinster great-aunt in a desperate attempt to woo her inheritance away from her thirty-eight cats.”
Matheus and Quin both are highly sarcastic and it's often quite hilarious. I was also amused by Matheus's often random thoughts, such as his “Lose-Weight-Or-We'll-Come-To-Your-Home-And-Remove-Your-Shinbones-With-A-Pair-Of-Pliers Plan.” Oh, there are lots more I could give you, but hopefully that will give you the idea!

I was amused by that fact that while this is set in the US with an ancient Roman and Matheus, a lot of the statements are very British, such as “can't be arsed” and “poncy git” and “jumper” and the like. Once I looked up more info on this author I learned she was a fan of silly British books, so I guess that explains that. I tend to sprinkle a lot of Britishisms into my language as well, but for those few people who are bothered by it, be aware there are lots of them in this book. It is actually explained, but that would be spoiling things, so you'll just have to find out for yourself. While the editing isn't perfect—there are plenty of missing or extra words—I was delighted to see this author using “discrete” and “discreet” correctly. That's a frequently seen error, and it was nice to see them used correctly.

This is apparently slated to be the first book in a new series. I, for one, want the next book out now. I absolutely loved this book and recommend it heartily to anyone to whom it appeals. Highly recommended!

Disclosure: I received an e-book version of this book from Curiosity Quills (via NetGalley) in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own.

Synopsis: Matheus Taylor didn’t ask to be murdered.

To be fair, the percentage of people actually asking to be murdered is probably small enough to be safely ignored, but he felt it was worth stating regardless.

His life might have been ordinary, but it was his life and he wasn’t done with it yet. Quin didn’t care. A seventeen-hundred old Roman, Quintus Livius Saturnius had a different view of morality than most people. Killing Matheus and hijacking his undead existence seemed perfectly acceptable to him.

Now, Matheus spends his nights running for his life, questioning his sexual orientation, and defying a mysterious new threat to the vampires within his city. Not that he set out to do any defying; he just wanted to be left alone.

Unfortunately, that was never going to happen. ( )
  Katyas | Oct 5, 2013 |
There wasn't much of anything enjoyable about this book. Even ignoring the need for a good editing job this was just a boring mediocre attempt at producing something worth the paper it was printed on. The plot lacks direction and conclusiveness. The characters are unrealistic. There's nothing to draw the reader in. ( )
  Jenn.S | Sep 25, 2013 |
Matheus had put a lot of effort to escaping his past and leading a nice boring life free from any kind of drama – or any real human contact. Until he was recruited to steal something from his workplace

And by recruited, we mean threatened with terrible, horrible torture until he complied. If there was any doubt as to the sincerity of the threats, his contact is a vampire. And to ensure his silence, he makes Matheus one too

Learning to become a vampire isn’t easy – less so when you have considerable resentment towards the vampire who murdered you. There’s a lot to learn, a lot of hoops to jump through, city politics to navigate, hunters to dodge – and some surprising revelations to learn about himself as well.

But even that gets complicated when his long hidden past returns in force.



A book about vampires! Time for me to get my big big pile of clichés and tropes and scenarios I’ve seen again and again and again…

And throw them out the window! Because they don’t apply here! Yes, I’m quite gleeful about this. A vampire story without so many things that are now staple – and impossibly gorgeous vampire, lots of angst for no good reason, a whole lot of sanitising what it actually means to be undead and a monster with a heavy side order of super powers and romance.

Not this book. First of all becoming a vampire is difficult and really messy – as Quinn notes, he really should have brought a mop.

The vampires drink blood and kill people. This isn’t a choice and there isn’t an alternative – for a vampire to go on living they kill people. This is a moral quandary and it is treated as such –something to think about and feel guilty about and try to find exceptions and minimise the damage and have considerable resentment from Matheus towards Quin for both murdering him and dooming him to murder other people. It’s not angst in a “oh what a terrible person I am” but it’s extreme discomfort, anger and fear over what Matheus has become and what he has to do rather than the very tired angsty monologues over nipping a vein. It has a depth, a nuance and a strength to it that is sorely missing in so many stories of monsters that regret who they are.

In fact life and death continue to be a major theme in the books. There are a lot of deaths and they’re not even slightly sanitised. It’s graphic, it’s often brutal and it’s not pretty nor is it meant to be. People die – and no-one’s expendable and no-one’s disposable and even people hunting you or working for the evil corporation are people with families. At the same time, while everyone who dies is human, Matheus is not a saint – and he’s certainly not going to weep for his torturer – and Quin is far too jaded by his centuries to feel anything.


Which makes this book seem awfully grim – but nothing could be further from the truth. If I had to pick one point about this book that was truly awesome it would be the humour. Matheus’ internal monologue is hilarious, his snark is of the highest quality and his banter with Quin is truly excellent. Their bantering back and forth would make the book itself. Because it’s not just screamingly funny, it also covers quite a few of the nuances in their relationship – Matheus taking out his daddy issues on Quin (and my gods does that man have some epic daddy issues), to hating Quin for killing him and turning him into a vampire, to relying on Quin to guide him as a vampire, to grudgingly liking Quin and then exploring his own questions about himself and the nature of his relationship. It’s funny, it’s deep and it’s nuanced.

Read More ( )
  FangsfortheFantasy | Sep 20, 2013 |
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Matheus Taylor didn’t ask to be murdered.

To be fair, the percentage of people actually asking to be murdered is probably small enough to be safely ignored, but he felt it was worth stating regardless. His life might have been ordinary, but it was his life and he wasn’t done with it yet.

Quin didn’t care.

A seventeen-hundred old Roman, Quintus Livius Saturnius had a different view of morality than most people. Killing Matheus and hijacking his undead existence seemed perfectly acceptable to him.

Now, Matheus spends his nights running for his life, questioning his sexual orientation, and defying a mysterious new threat to the vampires within his city.

Not that he set out to do any defying; he just wanted to be left alone.

Unfortunately, that was never going to happen.

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