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The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous…
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The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire…

by Drew Hayes

Other authors: See the other authors section.

Series: Fred, the Vampire Accountant (book 1)

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» See also 3 mentions

Showing 5 of 5
Vampires aren't just scary, they're cool, right? I'm not talking about the wimpy sparkly kind, but the cool classic kind, like Dracula. They're powerful, suave, and handsome - especially the accent - and have an irresistible charm to women. But what if you were turned into a vampire, and were a boring person to begin with? Would you automatically become cool, or would you still be boring old you?

Apparently, you'd still be you, and if you were a boring accountant, you'd keep doing accounting - only you wouldn't be able to go out in the day. That's what Fred finds out when he's 'turned,' and he realizes he has to make some adjustments in his life (or rather, death) and routine if he wants to avoid becoming a heap of ashes. He might have incredible strength and heightened senses, but he's still a gentle soul and can't bring himself to attack others to satisfy his need for blood. So, he makes an arrangement with a friend at the blood bank, puts foil over his windows, and continues his accounting practice. He also finds out there's a whole new world out there - full of werewolves and other were-creatures, zombies, sorcerers, and even a governmental agency to regulate them all.

This is a funny look at the boring side of the parahuman world, where a sweater vest-wearing vampire with a tendency to run at the first sign of trouble makes some new friends and actually gets a life - even if it's in death. It's told in a series of short stories - which isn't really my favorite format - but it works well enough here. It's a clever twist on the classic story and quite funny, but I never found myself laughing out loud at it - although that might be because I'm an accountant, too (plus, the profanity towards the end kind of turned me off). Still, I liked it and expect lots of others probably will laugh out loud at Fred's "unadventures." ( )
  J.Green | Nov 22, 2016 |
Fred did not lead an exciting life as an accountant. You would think that dying would finally add some excitement to Fred's existence but you would be wrong. Sure, as a vampire he had to change to a largely liquid diet and begin working from home but beyond that, Fred's life was all good red wine and cheese, and working at night from home. Contrary to everything that Fred had read and the movies he had watched about vampires, becoming one didn't really change the essence of who you are.

Fred's life (read: unlife) might have stayed boring had he not decided tot take a risk and go to his high school reunion. When a former acquaintance starts to flirt with him, Fred isn't exactly receptive because with his new vampire senses, he can tell that she's playing around and not really into him. Being teased and learning that the captain of the high school football team is still in great shape and attracting women should have been the worst thing to happen that night. When werewolves show up determined to slaughter the graduating class, for the first time Fred realises that vampires aren't the only parahumans who go bump in the night.

I have to admit that I chose to read this book based largely on its title. I've always been a sucker for odd urban fantasy novels. I like that Fred is absolutely socially awkward and dresses in sweater vests. He's a nerds nerd, who has a lifetime of bullying to back that up. I love that becoming a vampire didn't make Fred into a suave lover who sparkles in the sunlight but simply gave him things like enhanced hearing, strength and balance. Because Fred is a fledgling, he's just as ignorant of the world that he inhabits as the reader.

The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant isn't told in one cohesive story and instead reads like a collection of short stories with Fred collecting people and information along the way. Towards the end of the book, I found myself becoming tired with this writing device for the simple reason that had I wanted to read a collection of short stories, I would have picked one up. Though I still want to find out what happens to Fred in the next book in this series, I really do hope that Hayes drops this kind of format and sticks to a traditional plot line for a book.

Each new chapter or phase serves to give Fred his very own Scooby gang. For the first time in his life, Fred actually ends up with friends that he can depend on and even a gorgeous girlfriend. Sure, he still hates confrontation and has been known to go catatonic in the presence of an ancient dragon in the guise of a child but hey, who's perfect?

Read More ( )
  FangsfortheFantasy | Jul 19, 2016 |
Deadpan humor at its best. And it's a series - there's more!

( )
  wandaly | Jun 30, 2016 |
What a great and unique idea! Interesting characters and fun adventures combined with a vampire who doesn't think himself special combine in some great tales! ( )
  Velmeran | Dec 5, 2015 |
This book was great fun, and an interesting take on the supernatural genre.

It was reminiscent of the Dresden Files books, though much more light-hearted, and I enjoyed it a lot.

The book was split into several smaller stories, each with several short chapters. It was a little like episodes of a TV series. ( )
  JediSloth | Nov 8, 2015 |
Showing 5 of 5
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Author nameRoleType of authorWork?Status
Hayes, DrewAuthorprimary authorall editionsconfirmed
Heyborne, KirbyNarratorsecondary authorsome editionsconfirmed
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Dedication
This book is dedicated to the uncool, uncoordinated, unexceptional, uncharming, uninteresting, and especially the unashamed. To everyone from the Awkwards to the Zeroes, living as the proud oddballs they are. This book is dedicated to my people.
First words
I almost certainly do not know you; however, I shall assume you are a lovely person, and it is my loss for not having the opportunity to meet you. (Preface)
I was midway through packing when I paused to contemplate whether it was appropriate to bring the blood.
Quotations
My name is Frederick Frankford Fletcher, and yes, that name did get me beaten up quite frequently when I was a child.
My unlife was so boring that even the woman who hunted monsters saw me as harmless.
A lesser man might have objected to the woman taking the wheel on such a long journey. A lesser man would also have been a stupider man, and one with a severe crotch injury to boot.
Today, the only cavalry we had was a werepony, a bumbling zombie, and a chickenshit vampire.
I wondered if it was too late to place a bet on the other guy to win.
Her voice was high and squeaky, peppered with levels of enthusiasm attainable only by children and drug addicts.
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Some people are born boring. Some live boring. Some even die boring. Fred managed to do all three, and when he woke up as a vampire, he did so as a boring one. Timid, socially awkward, and plagued by self-esteem issues, Fred has never been the adventurous sort.

One fateful night – different from the night he died, which was more inconvenient than fateful – Fred reconnects with an old friend at his high school reunion. This rekindled relationship sets off a chain of events thrusting him right into the chaos that is the parahuman world, a world with chipper zombies, truck driver wereponies, maniacal necromancers, ancient dragons, and now one undead accountant trying his best to “survive.” Because even after it’s over, life can still be a downright bloody mess. [retrieved 8/18/2015 from Amazon.com]
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