Well, what can I say? I think NVC, or Marshall, has stumbled on some real 'truths', if I dare use that word. That no matter what we're doing, we're always, even if tragically, trying to enhance life. Like someone I knew said when I asked her why she'd poured boiling water over her hand,"My choice was to kill myself or pour boiling water over my hand". I thought, smart choice! OK, that's maybe not the most enlightening example, but it was what came to mind.
Most people really want to be heard - that's why they're yelling. They don't want suggestions, they don't want to hear about us, they don't want to be criticized or judged, they don't need to be fixed - they want to know that their concerns or pain had been heard. When that happens, then they can relax and hear us.
Likewise, it's pretty hard to hear another person when we're hurt, angry, sad and needing to be heard. So when there are 2 people needing to be heard, it's easy for a fight to ensue: blaming etc.
I'm waiting for a friend to show up for coffee (I'm standing on a street corner) and they're not there even though it's 20 minutes past the time they said they'd arrive: if I'm trying to get though the last 20 pages of a good book that I have to return to the library, I might feel relieved that they're not there yet; if I'm not sure if they respect me I might interpret their non-arrival as proof that I'm not worthy of respect and feel angry; if I know we're good friends, I might feel some concern because I know they drive an old car and I hope that there wasn't a breakdown. So my feelings depend on my interpretation of my observation that my friend hasn't arrived yet. This is way easier to say than to do IMHO, but just to find out how this works is exciting.
Also, learning how to observe things as opposed to evaluate, judge, label, or interpret.
Also, learning it's OK to be angry and that the part that gets angry also wants good things. So NVC shows how one can enjoy the anger in a safe way (and not stuff it down), and then find out what the angry part wanted, but didn't know how to try to get in a more life-enhancing way.
It's really interesting, but not easy stuff. I think it relates to what George Lakoff calls "the Nurturant Parent" and understanding NVC is as difficult and profound as are Lakoff's ideas.
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Wikipedia in English (2)
Most people really want to be heard - that's why they're yelling. They don't want suggestions, they don't want to hear about us, they don't want to be criticized or judged, they don't need to be fixed - they want to know that their concerns or pain had been heard. When that happens, then they can relax and hear us.
Likewise, it's pretty hard to hear another person when we're hurt, angry, sad and needing to be heard. So when there are 2 people needing to be heard, it's easy for a fight to ensue: blaming etc.
I'm waiting for a friend to show up for coffee (I'm standing on a street corner) and they're not there even though it's 20 minutes past the time they said they'd arrive: if I'm trying to get though the last 20 pages of a good book that I have to return to the library, I might feel relieved that they're not there yet; if I'm not sure if they respect me I might interpret their non-arrival as proof that I'm not worthy of respect and feel angry; if I know we're good friends, I might feel some concern because I know they drive an old car and I hope that there wasn't a breakdown. So my feelings depend on my interpretation of my observation that my friend hasn't arrived yet. This is way easier to say than to do IMHO, but just to find out how this works is exciting.
Also, learning how to observe things as opposed to evaluate, judge, label, or interpret.
Also, learning it's OK to be angry and that the part that gets angry also wants good things. So NVC shows how one can enjoy the anger in a safe way (and not stuff it down), and then find out what the angry part wanted, but didn't know how to try to get in a more life-enhancing way.
It's really interesting, but not easy stuff. I think it relates to what George Lakoff calls "the Nurturant Parent" and understanding NVC is as difficult and profound as are Lakoff's ideas.