This book was amazing!!! Jacob is a wonderful writer and I laughed and cried right along with them. I read this while I listened to the audiobook and that was incredible, as it's narrated by Jacob. 10/10 would recommend! ( )

Jacob Tobia always knew that he was different than other little boys. He preferred the company of little girls as friends and his most cherished possession was a Barbie doll. In conservative Raleigh, North Carolina, he stood out at an early age.

That however is where this memoir fugues off from other memoirs of non-gender-conforming stories you may have read. There is none of the “I always knew I was a girl trapped in a boy’s body” of the ‘common’ trans story, or that “I always knew that I loved members of the same sex.”

Instead this memoir is complicated and often surprising.

I was so proud of the United Methodist Church youth leader when Jacob was in sixth grade and confessed to her that he thought he (when do you change pronouns?) was gay. I was also proud of the church as they let Jacob be authentic within his high school youth group. But, like Jacob, I was disappointed in the church when, as a high schooler, they refused to let Jacob tell his story to the middle school group talking about sexuality and refused to let Jacob to speak to the wider audience of adult congregants.

Jacob received a full scholarship to Duke University, where slowly they (now his preferred pronoun is the singular 'they' - and as they have changed pronouns, I will, too) claimed their authentic self ; first confronting harassment from individuals in a common setting and then becoming an organizer and leader of both the alternative gender group and the campus as a whole. As a top scholar as well as a student leader they and many of their friends and mentors believed they would be a shoo-in for top opportunities such as the Fulbright Scholarship. Disappointingly and surprisingly they were turned down for all of them. They came to believe that this was because they refused to live less authentically and the world outside a prestigious college was less accepting of people doing so.

Nor can I agree with all of Jacob’s choices – such as wearing a men’s business suit with high bling high heels at a conservate political setting when his boss was out of town. Are any of us ever allowed to be truly authentic at every minute of the day?

Nevertheless, Jacob continues to find their way in the world. As an under 30 writer, his memoir is not even at its half way point. According to Wikipedia, they now are “an American LGBT rights activist, writer, producer, television host, and actor.” In their memoir, Jacob states they continuously check their Wikipedia entry to keep it accurate – so if you want to know more, it’s a good place to start.

This memoir exploded much of what I thought I knew about genderqueer individuals and opened my eyes to the reality of the spectrum of people that make up ‘genderqueer.’ ( )

Made it about halfway through in a couple hours. A little awkward and... young? juvenile? something... but a very quick read. Will work on getting it from the library to finish.

...

Done. Still think it's juvenile and lacking in perspective, but that's the kind of memoir any mid-20s kid would write. (Which is why it's generally advisable to wait a bit....) Tobia is occasionally insightful, especially about their gender and working through their internalized homo- and transphobia, but also very focused on status and achievement, and very impressed with themself for what amounts to a bunch of college-kid resume fillers they'll hardly remember in five years. Someone who mythologizes themself as the life of the party and loves being the center of attention can be a lot of fun at a bar, but in a book it's tiresome. ( )

Jacob tells the story of growing up knowing that the world is wrong about who they are and the compromises that they must make and the contradictions of their situation. So many aspects of gender identity and individuality are explored or touched on with the only absolute being that accepting an individual as who they say they are is the compassionate action. And the repeated admonitions that gender is messy the questions I have about trans identity will remain at best partially answered. ( )

Included in a blog post and resource list at https://booksbeyondbinaries.blog/2019/06/10/non-fiction-about-gender-and-trans-e...