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The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick III

The Haunted Vagina

by Carlton Mellick III

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One of my Facebook friends posted about this book and at first I thought that there was no way this book could possibly be real. I trotted off to Goodreads and Amazon and sure enough, The Haunted Vagina is a real book. Having read so many books in this genre, I'm always looking for anything quirky that brings something new and so I simply couldn't resist the lure of The Haunted Vagina.

I don't even know where to begin with this review. I suppose I should start by saying that I read the majority of the book with my legs tightly crossed saying, "no, no, no". I don't know about you, but the very idea of a vagina being spread wide enough to encompass a full grown man just made me never want to spread my legs ever again. Pause and read that sentence again. A grown ass man crawled inside a vagina.

It all begins when Steve and his girlfriend Stacy are all cuddled up and he hears a strange sound. At first he believes they left the television on and then he wonders if something is living in the walls. Finally, Stacey admits that her vagina is haunted. That's enough for Steve to decide that he's really not interested in sex with her anymore. Stacey, not being down with abstinence, forces Steve into doing the 69. As Stacey reaches orgasm, a skeleton begins to crawl out of her vagina. Stacey is freaked out for awhile but it's enough to make her decide that if Steve really cares about her, he'll crawl inside her vagina and figure out what the hell is going on in there.

For the most part, Steve is the reluctant participant in The Haunted Vagina. He is physically put into a position to have oral sex with Stacy after explicitly saying he's not interested.
"Same goes with oral sex. We both like to receive it, but neither of us want to give it. Normally we can compromise on oral. If I give it to her, she will give it to me. Unfortunately, I’m not willing to go near her vagina anymore. Not with my penis, not with my tongue.
“It’s not like you have to stick your tongue inside of me,” she says. “You can just lick my glowworm.”
"Glowworm is her pet name for a clitoris.
“It’s on the outside,” she says.
“But still . . .” I say.
“I’ll keep my legs closed,” she says. “You won’t even hear it.”
I don’t reply. She turns away from me and takes off her work clothes, as if I agreed. Folding her glasses and putting them back in their case. Her movements are cold and mechanical. She must be pissed. Giving me the silent treatment like the time I washed her white fuzzy coat wrong, or the time she found pictures of my old girlfriends and I wouldn’t let her throw them out. On those occasions, she ignored me and locked herself in the bedroom. On this occasion, however, she wants to get intimate. She won’t look me in the eyes as she unbuttons my shirt and pulls off my pants. She picks me up and turns me upside-down, then plops us on the bed."
The above is written as just another bizarre incident particularly given the fact that a skeleton climbs it's way out of Stacey's vagina when she begins to orgasm but make no mistake, this scene is describing a sexual assault. Steve actually says that he's been "consumed" by Stacey since the day they met. The fact that Steve enjoys the fellatio he receives doesn't negate the fact that he said no to a sexual encounter. Steve enters her vagina twice through coercion to prove his love for her. Once he's transformed inside the vagina to some sort of creature, it only takes a month for Stacey to have sex with someone else in an attempt to drown him in another man's semen. Yes, it's as gross as it sounds.

Once inside the world which for whatever reason exists in Stacey's vagina, Steve meets Fig, who is just as controlling as Stacey. When Steve declines an offer to play with Fig, she locks him up which forces his body to change into a male version of hers. Steve then becomes violent with Fig, when she initiates sex, mimicking all of the sex acts Stacy made him do, leading to Fig's confusion. In the end, Steve knocks up Fig and they remain trapped in the uterus of Stacey's unborn child, with no hope of release until Stacey's child reaches maturity. This does not bother Steve because he falls in love with Fig and experiences an extreme passion for her.

I'll admit that The Haunted Vagina is certainly unique in this genre, though the execution could certainly use some work. The entire premise of this novel seems to be that women are powerful and can and do exert power using their vaginas. When this happens, the relationship is necessarily unhealthy. Men are held captive and are powerless to resist because they are so enthralled. This very much makes Steve read as a self insert trying to deal with a bad relationship he had participated in.

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  FangsfortheFantasy | Jan 3, 2017 |
My husband bought this for me on Valentine's Day. I would not have picked it out for myself. I'm not even sure if I've heard of bizarro as a genre before, but man, this was bizarre. It's not really my kind of thing, but I can appreciate its weirdness and it was pretty well written, too. ( )
  Amelia_Smith | May 2, 2015 |
I liked the book, although it was weird as hell. It's certainly open to interpretation. I'll be interested in what I think if I can remember to read it again in a year or 5. Right now, I'm seeing it as a horror love story, a man's complete emasculation due to love - not lust. It was very well done, too. The few characters felt real, even in the weird situation.

Don't read the spoiler unless you've read the book. Seriously, it only takes a couple of hours & is well worth it. What you get out of it may be (probably will be) completely different than the way I'm seeing it now. Actually, I think there are only two characters, Stacy & Steve with Fig as Stacy's alter ego. Stacy almost completely dominates Steve in the real world, but can't quite control him completely (he wouldn't let her bugger him), so she sucks him in further. He can either do what she asks or give her up & he chooses to do what she asks for love - not lust.

In the book, this is climbing into her vagina & being transported into her inner being where he meets her alter ego, Fig. Fig transforms him & renders him spinless, literally. Then he is completely trapped when Stacy cuckolds him & becomes pregnant, something that Steve hadn't been able to do in months. Fig keeps his spine (skeleton) around as a pet. It is for show, only.

Although the word 'cancer' is used, the old house, tortured landscape, & the skeletons called from hidden corners made me think more of 'the sins of the father unto the 7th generation' or family history. Even though she was adopted young, Stacy bears the sins of her original family & early upbringing.

There is nothing for Steve to do in this damaged world, save for serving Stacy as Fig. He doesn't even need to eat, but plays at crafts instead - poorly. That's OK with Fig/Stacy. She has him & a baby already full of the same corruption. Steve is completely lost, content to live as a cuckcolded drone, serving at her pleasure.
( )
  jimmaclachlan | Aug 18, 2014 |
Oh, I think I just might.
  JennyJen | Aug 14, 2014 |
Bizarro is the closest thing to a modern Penny Dreadful in terms of offering a contemporary shock value to the reader.
I am both vastly impressed, yet at the same time appalled by what I have read.

If there is a travelling freakshow where hardcore pornography drinks from the same trough as art, then this book must surely be the filthy circus cage where they are left chained together to fornicate unashamedly for the paying pleasure of a slightly guilty public.

In case you haven't gathered - I liked this book; but, feel unclean for having done so. ( )
  Sylak | Sep 15, 2013 |
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I’ve been scared to have sex with Stacy ever since I discovered her vagina was haunted.
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(Click to show. Warning: May contain spoilers.)
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Amazon.com Product Description (ISBN 097624988X, Paperback)

It's difficult to love a woman whose vagina is a gateway to the world of the dead...

Steve is madly in love with his eccentric girlfriend, Stacy. Unfortunately, their sex life has been suffering as of late, because Steve is worried about the odd noises that have been coming from Stacy's pubic region. She says that her vagina is haunted. She doesn't think it's that big of a deal. Steve, on the other hand, completely disagrees.

When a living corpse climbs out of her during an awkward night of sex, Stacy learns that her vagina is actually a doorway to another world. She persuades Steve to climb inside of her to explore this strange new place. But once inside, Steve finds it difficult to return... especially once he meets an oddly attractive woman named Fig, who lives within the lonely haunted world between Stacy's legs.

"A very strange and surprisingly touching love story, despite the deliberately asinine premise. With subtle humor, surreal erotica, and some genuinely creepy moments, The Haunted Vagina is a completely unique reading experience."

"Easily the craziest, weirdest, strangest, funniest, most obscene writer in America." - GOTHIC MAGAZINE

"Bizarre, twisted, and emotionally raw--Carlton Mellick's fiction is the literary equivalent of putting your brain in a blender." - BRIAN KEENE, author of The Rising and Dead Sea

"Carlton Mellick III has the craziest book titles... and the kinkiest fans!" - CHRISTOPHER MOORE, author of The Stupidest Angel

"Carlton Mellick III is one of bizarro fiction's most talented practitioners, a virtuoso of the surreal, science fictional tale." - CORY DOCTOROW, author of Little Brother

"Carlton Melick III exemplifies the intelligence and wit that lurks between its lurid covers. In a genre where crude titles are an art in themselves, Mellick is a true artist." - THE GUARDIAN

"Just as Pop had Andy Warhol and Dada Tristan Tzara, the Bizarro movement has its very own P. T. Barnum-type practitioner. He's the mutton-chopped author of such books as Electric Jesus Corpse and The Menstruating Mall, the illustrator, editor, and instructor of all things Bizarro, and his name is Carlton Mellick III." - DETAILS MAGAZINE

(retrieved from Amazon Thu, 12 Mar 2015 18:09:18 -0400)

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