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I'm OK--You're OK by Thomas Harris
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I'm OK--You're OK (original 1970; edition 2004)

by Thomas Harris

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1,926208,543 (3.47)11
The Classic Bestseller That has Changed the Lives of Millions "Extraordinary. Harris has helped millions find the freedom to change, liberate their adult effectiveness, and achieve joyful intimacy with others." --Los Angeles Times Transactional analysis delineates three ego-states (Parent, Adult and Child) as the basis for the content and quality of interpersonal communication. "Happy childhood" notwithstanding, says Harris, most of us are living out the not OK feelings of a defenseless child wholly dependent on others (parents) for stroking and caring. At some stage early in our lives we adopt a "position" about ourselves and others that determines how we feel about everything we do. And for a huge portion of the population, that position is "I'm Not OK-You're OK." This negative "life position," shared by successful and unsuccessful people alike, contaminates our rational adult capabilities, leaving us vulnerable to inappropriate, emotional reactions of our child and uncritically learned behavior programmed into our parent. By exploring the structure of our personalities and understanding old decisions, Harris believes we can find the freedom to change our lives.… (more)
Member:familialtrust
Title:I'm OK--You're OK
Authors:Thomas Harris
Info:Harper Perennial (2004), Edition: Reprint, Paperback, 320 pages
Collections:Your library
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I'm OK--You're OK by Thomas A. Harris (1970)

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» See also 11 mentions

English (18)  Catalan (1)  Spanish (1)  All languages (20)
Showing 1-5 of 18 (next | show all)
A positive view of different kinds of people. ( )
  mykl-s | Aug 10, 2023 |
While this book does have some very outdated opinions, for instance those about electric shock therapy, and the role of women, it also has some very interesting ideas that are still in use today. The focus is on improving the world through a better understanding of ourselves and our interactions with others. ( )
  calenmarwen | May 29, 2023 |
"Another thing that makes people want to change is a slow type of despair called ennui, or boredom. This is what the person has who goes through life saying, "So what?" until he finally asks the ultimate big "So What?" He is ready to change".
Thomas A. Harris, I'm OK - You're OK

It was really a terrific book. I read it a long time ago so details are fuzzy but I loved it. I still remember the four different modes and check myself sometimes. At times I think I have been in them all.

This is a book for people who like Psychology and like reading about it and reading about the human mind. Four modes:

"I'm OK, your not OK"

"I'm not OK, your OK"

"I'm not OK, Your not OK"

"I'm OK, Your OK".

The last one is what he attempts to get us to.

Well at least I remember that much! This book seriously needs a reread which I fully intend to do. Highly recommended but it's "OK" if the book is not for you! ( )
  Thebeautifulsea | Aug 5, 2022 |
In the book I'm Ok You're Ok by Dr. Harris, we get (ego states P-Parent ego state is subdivided into the Critical Parent and the Nurturing Parent. Nurturing Parent represents more affirming and more pleasant qualities of what parents and society do for a person stroking and caring. A-Adult In our Adult Ego State we are ourselves in the moment – rational and aware & C Child) As a child we often learn from what was modeled for us. Maturation plays a role in all interactions and arrows equal are complimentary transactions. Also crossed interactions such as adult to child for example.

I'M OK, YOU'RE OK - HOW YOU DEVELOP YOUR ATTITUDE.
Navigation
1. I'm Ok, You're Ok - The Graphic Model (Four Life Positions)
2. People Are Good - An Attitude Suitable for Everyday Life
3. I'm ok - you're ok - The Book of Harris
4. Example for Ok-Positions

1. I'm Ok, You're Ok - The Graphic Model (Four Life Positions)
Transactional Analysis - I'm ok, you're ok: Just as there are the schools of thought of psychoanalysis, systemic psychology or behavioral psychology, Transactional Analysis is also a separate field. It is an independent communication theory within psychology. It analyzes communication exchange (so-called transactions). From this, conclusions about the communicating individuals and their personalities can be drawn.
One concept within Transactional Analysis is the life script. This theory analyses the unconsciously written life plan that every human being builds in his childhood.
A sub-concept of the life script are the so-called life positions or ok- positions. They describe how people experience themselves and others and consist of four positions. Look at this picture:

This graphic describes two things:
1. Each person chooses one of the four positions as a toddler as a basic disposition and will most likely keep it for a lifetime.
2. People also occupy different positions in different situations.
To 1.: Humans create a picture in their heads of themselves, of others and of the world as a whole at a very young age. They need this to be able to orient themselves. For without this basic assessment, lived situations could not be interpreted and thus become experiences. The person would be disoriented - like a leaf in the wind. Unfortunately, many of us don't only have good experiences in their childhood. That's why it may happen that people choose and believe in other life positions than "I'm ok, you're ok".

To 2.: It depends on the situation, which position people occupy. For example, a single person could take these positions in different scenarios:
* Their birthday party (+/-)
* While watching football to scold the opposing team or to talk badly about common friends (+/-)
* When attending a beginner dance class and the others seem to be able to do much better (- / +)
* After a quarrel with their partner (- / -)
However, the own favorite life position remains, which runs like a golden thread through life. But there are also ways to change this. In the example later you will see what I mean.

2. People Are Good - An Attitude Suitable for Everyday Life
When you start to deal with Transactional Analysis, you will also find its basic assumptions. One is: people are good. I always feel this sounds pretty trivial. However, the implementation of this simple basic assumption is anything but simple.

Especially in everyday expression, it can be very demanding to consider this attitude continuously.
Humans are good, meaning that every human being is ok from birth. There is nothing to shake. The "being good" stems from the fact that we were born as living beings.

It's about the value of the individual - not about their behavior. The behavior can also be wrong. Transactional Analysis strictly separates between person and behavior. The person is ALWAYS ok, the behavior can also be not ok.
* “I like you” - this can be an expression of: I'm ok, you're ok.
* “I can't stand you” - this reflects the position: I'm ok, you're not ok.
3. I'm ok - you're ok - The Book of Harris
In 1967, Thomas Anthony Harris published the book titled I'm ok - you're ok. The title was borrowed from the Ok-positions and reflects a fundamental position of the Transactional Analysis. In fact, the book is an introduction to Transactional Analysis.

This book was written I. The past in the 70s for example, homosexuality is still described as pathological. A lot of times, extreme situations are used to explain certain hints
The book discusses basic concepts of Transactional Analysis, such as ego states and transactions. Since the book is now 40 years old and the Transactional Analysis is constantly being further developed, up-to-date literature is more appropriate. Quite recent (2016): "Into TA: A Comprehensive Textbook on Transactional Analysis" by William F. Cornell.

4. Example for Ok-Positions
Here's an experience from how I use the Ok-positions in everyday life:

Yesterday again ...

My midday nap is over. I drive back to work and find a parking space for my scooter. I walk the last few meters to the office. I see a man coming out of a shop and walking down the same street as I ten meters in front of me. I will never speak to him. He happens to be there. The situation is completely meaningless. If it wasn't for the life script.
Let's rewind for a few seconds.

When I first see the man as he leaves the store, the thought comes to me: "I'm cooler than him!"

I stop and ask myself, "What was that?"

How do I manage to judge a stranger who just comes out of a shop? He is not even conspicuously dressed.
I realize that I have just made a first judgement about a person. And not a good one.

Transactional Analysis knows these so-called ok-positions:
* I'm ok, you're ok (+/+)
* I'm ok, you're not ok (+/-)
* I'm not ok, you're (-/+)
* I'm not ok, you're not ok (-/-)

Every person has a basic or default disposition of these four orientations. It is shaped very early in life. You can already imagine which one is mine:

I'm ok. You're not ok.

In the situation described above, this disposition apparently has no effect. It seems so. However, it does have one. Namely, it gave me permission to feel cool and superior. These aren't good conditions to interact in unison and harmony with your environment. Imagine I hadn't realized what I was doing.
Maybe I would have entered the office in an arrogant manner. Others could have perceived me as arrogant. Too right.

Someone with a "I'm not ok, you're ok" disposition might have thought, "Wow, he's a lot cooler than me," and might have given himself a reason to feel bad.

My first thought about the man was an automated one. This means that I might often think similarly without even noticing. In fact, that is sometimes the case. Thoughts like this have the power to create a certain destiny. Which brings us to the topic of life script:
Imagine I would have had a conversation with the man. Our very first exchange would have already been clouded by my initial thoughts. Eric Berne also addresses this dynamic with his book title: "What do you say after you say hello".

If you are unaware of your thoughts, there is a likelihood that you will fall for your own story and create a specific reality through it.

Thoughts are the building material of your life script. If you already make changes at this level, you immediately change your life script.

Now I have bad and good news for you. First the bad one...

You already have a pre-disposition. For many people this is:

* "I'm ok, you're not ok" (+/-) or
* "I'm not ok, you're ok" (-/+).
* Only few people have (-/-).
By the way, these attitudes change situationally, as already mentioned. However, a basic disposition remains and is not so easily changed. ( )
  DrT | Feb 6, 2022 |
My therapist in my 20s used the sequel to this book - Staying Okay - as a basis for the tools he taught me to deal with past traumas and events that still affected me, so I was aware of Transactional Analysis, or the concept of Parent/Adult/Child before reading I'm Ok, You're Ok.

I was daunted at the idea of reading this book, as having read many self-help books, some can get very bogged down in the language and terminology, but I found this refreshing and surprisingly easy to read and understand, especially considering it was written in the mid-60s. Thomas Harris uses a conversational narrative which helped it flow.

I found the breakdown of the chapters clear and succinct. The author starts by explaining the concept of Parent-Adult-Child (PAC), which are states of mind that we move between. The Parent comes from the recordings in our memory of things our parents have said to us as children, and the Child is the emotional side of ourselves that feels and reacts to things and is often the victim. The Adult is the rational between the two, which enables us to find a balance so we don't berate ourselves or others with the voice of our Parent, or overreact or create drama from our Child. The mindset we are in can affect our interaction and communication with those around us - our Transactions (hence Transactional Analysis) and understanding which of the mindsets we are in can enable us to improve our interactions.

The author then explains how this works within marriage, referencing a book called Games People Play by his colleague and founder of Transactional Analysis, Eric Burne. And then with children, moving through the different age groups. He uses examples of his own experience as a therapist, giving dialogue and real interactions. I found this helped me understand how it can be applied.

The last couple of chapters in the book felt a bit like fillers to me as he discusses his own thoughts on topics of morality and how this system can be used globally. Some areas were dated - the author has no idea of how much society will change from the time he first wrote this to now, and it reflects in some of the examples he gives of working with clients. Although his views in some areas were quite progressive for the time, in particular about religion. I can imagine religious people might be offended by this book, or dismiss it due to some of the things that Thomas Harris has to say about the dogma and doctrine of religion and how it can be destructive, as it restricts people's ability to question and be open minded. I personally agree with his view on these topics.

I am rather excited about re-learning this system of analysis, and can immediately see how it can help me relate better within my marriage and with my children, although it would be nice to train properly in it. Sadly, it doesn't seem to have become as widely used as the author had hoped and speculated, which is a shame because many people could benefit from this system of relating and understanding both oneself and other people - particularly people like myself, who have suffered trauma and have very contaminated recordings from their childhood that affect them on a daily basis.

Should you be interested in a brief description of this method before delving deeper into this book, I found one here - http://changingminds.org/explanations... ( )
  purplequeennl | Aug 22, 2018 |
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» Add other authors (6 possible)

Author nameRoleType of authorWork?Status
Harris, Thomas A.primary authorall editionsconfirmed
Brender, IrmelaTranslatorsecondary authorsome editionsconfirmed
Kober, HainerTranslatorsecondary authorsome editionsconfirmed
Swildens, ElisabethTranslatorsecondary authorsome editionsconfirmed

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The Classic Bestseller That has Changed the Lives of Millions "Extraordinary. Harris has helped millions find the freedom to change, liberate their adult effectiveness, and achieve joyful intimacy with others." --Los Angeles Times Transactional analysis delineates three ego-states (Parent, Adult and Child) as the basis for the content and quality of interpersonal communication. "Happy childhood" notwithstanding, says Harris, most of us are living out the not OK feelings of a defenseless child wholly dependent on others (parents) for stroking and caring. At some stage early in our lives we adopt a "position" about ourselves and others that determines how we feel about everything we do. And for a huge portion of the population, that position is "I'm Not OK-You're OK." This negative "life position," shared by successful and unsuccessful people alike, contaminates our rational adult capabilities, leaving us vulnerable to inappropriate, emotional reactions of our child and uncritically learned behavior programmed into our parent. By exploring the structure of our personalities and understanding old decisions, Harris believes we can find the freedom to change our lives.

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    ARE YOU FEELING OK ABOUT YOURSELF?
    OR STILL PLAYING DESTRUCTIVE GAMES?

"Happy childhood" notwithstanding, most of us are living out the NOT OK feelings of a defenseless CHILD wholly dependent on others for stroking and care. By the third year of life, says Dr. Harris, most of us have made the unconscious decision I'M NOT OK - YOU'RE OK. This negative Lire Position, shared by successful and unsuccessful people alike, contaminates our rational ADULT potential - leaving us vulnerable to the inappropriate, emotional reactions of our CHILD and the uncritically learned behavior programmed into our PARENT.

In personal Transactions, NOT OK people resort to harmful withdrawal, rituals, activities, pastimes, and games for getting needed strokes while avoiding painful intimacy with people they see as OK.

Dr. Thomas A Harris' pioneering work in Transactional Analysis has had a fundamental impact on our understanding of interpersonal behavior. IN showing us how to make the conscious decision I'M OK - YOU'RE OK, he has helped millions of despairing people find the freedom to change, to liberate their ADULT effectiveness, and to achieve joyful intimacy with the people in their lives.
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