Amazing!!!!! ( )

I'm kind of glad that I read Janice Erlbaum's second memoir, Have You Found Her, first. It allowed me to read her first one and not have to worry too much that she got seriously hurt. Or went crazy, which is what I think I would have done in her circumstances. Instead, Erlbaum left home, and turned to drugs and sex as a teenager, and she relates her experiences with both with a candor that is unapologetic at the same time it is tinged with regret.

Erlbaum's problems at this time of her life seem to stem from a combination of poor parenting and poor decision-making. Unfortunately, neither the shelter nor the group home into which she is placed seem well-equipped to really help her with either of those problems. It almost seems as though by leaving home she's gone from the frying pan into the fire. It all catches up with her at the end, though, and at the close of this memoir we begin to see the more mature woman that we got to know in her second memoir. I hope she writes a third so that we can continue to share her story. ( )

This memoir traces Erlbaum’s life from the age of fifteen, when she leaves home to escape an abusive stepfather, through her graduation from high school. A miserable story is made entertaining by a clever use of language and a cynical, self-effacing tone that is often humorous. Toward the end, the book is more difficult to read, as Erlbaum’s insecurities lead her down one disastrous path after another, but she does a decent job of bringing the story together into a satisfying, if hasty, conclusion. ( )

For the very first time since high school, I picked up a book and was so into it that I spent an entire week in my room reading it so I could finish it in two days. What it is about this particular book, I don't know. I'm the type who gets SO into the world of her book that she starts to feel much of what the narrator goes through, and I walked around feeling guilty and dirty because of her when I was taking reading breaks.. yet I kept reading.

If you look at my catalog, I have a thing for books about runaways, teenage drug abuse and the otherwise insane experiences of adolescents. I don't know why -- maybe because my own teen years were spent being a "good girl" on the outside and tortured within. Maybe I just want to understand why these people went through these things and how they were able to cope with them in full view of their parents, friends, peers and the rest of the world.

Either way, this book is raw and honest and it's different than other books on the subject. It both glorifies the life she had and yet makes the reader understand how absolutely shitty she had it. And the fact that Janice Earlbaum grew up to be a BUST Magazine columnist [very high up there on the list of my favorite mags] made it all the most interesting to me. Even if you don't tear through it in two days, I think it's a good read -- especially for people like me who are simply interested in the human psyche. Cheers, Ms. Girlbomb. :) ( )

I’m reading more biographies & memoirs than I ever used to – and with each one – I feel more and more odd writing a review. What exactly am I reviewing? The author’s life or how s/he sees their life – or simply the writing style? It’s not like I can comment on the plot or the characters…they are what they are.

Which, of course, does not stop me from reading about people’s lives… I think I am at a point in my life where fact is becoming far more interesting (and yes, stranger) than fiction.

So then – to a truncated and rather unsure review: I spent most of the book yelling at Erlbaum in my head, because as the mother of a young girl, I didn’t want her to make the choices she was making. (This yelling was muffled by the fact that I’ve read Erlbaum’s follow up book, “Have You Found Her?” and know what comes next for the author.)

Then again, I certainly can’t blame her for her choices…she was in a terrible situation at home, and given the fighting and violence that surrounded her, who’s to say running away wasn’t the best thing she could have done.

There are parts, too, where I wanted to be standing next to her, agreeing with the craziness of the situation. At 15, Erlbaum was constantly being blamed by her mother and later, social workers, for not fixing situations that were clearly not of her own making.

When Erlbaum is told that her mother is pregnant with her abusive ex-boyfriend’s child, she listens in shock as her mother tells her, “The fact is that Dave and I are going to have a baby and we are going to try and be a family.” She sounded like she was speaking from notes. “Now we’ve talked about getting couples therapy, and that’s definitely something we’re going to think about. But for right now, I want you to pitch in a little more and help us all get along better.”

This coming from a mother who’s already worked out with her daughter when it’s OK to call the cops in the middle of a fight and when it’s not. Charming. Who’s the adult there?

Again and again, Erlbaum is forced to decide whether or not her mother can be trusted, if THIS TIME things will be different. Her thoughts at times like these are such a heart-rending mix of scared little girl and world-weary adult.

“I could not possibly be falling for this again. I was like Charlie Brown and the football. Like a duckling who could never be retrained, I would waddle straight off a cliff, following her. She threw away your clothes when you left home, it said on my index card. She told Poulos you were insane. She’s done this to you eight hundred times already.”

So I feel a great deal of empathy for her…but because I come from a different life than hers, I can’t get my mind around the HUGE amount of drugs she does. I just shake my head as the pot turns into cocaine, that turns into PCP, that turns into Ecstasy…. Again, I didn’t have the life she did, I didn’t grow up in New York, live in a shelter… I guess at the end of the day, I can just hang on for the ride, and be grateful it was her life and not mine…and be glad that I know she became a stronger person for living through what she did.

I guess the only other thing I can say is that I never really found out, in either of Janice Erlbaum’s books, what finally made her stronger. What made her give up the REALLY bad drugs and what finally made her stop smoking pot…and what gave her the strength to make better choices? I feel like I know where she came from and where she ended up (at least as of now)…but I’m missing something in the middle. I know the What and the How…but not the why.

But – who’s to say that’s any of my business. It’s not my life, after all… ( )