The Gentle Art of Self-Defense, relies heavily on neuro-linguistic programming, an "alternative" method of psychotherapy that grew out of the human potential movement. This immediately aroused my suspicions; the other thing that distressed me was the translation of human interaction into a game of chess, complete with rules, moves, countermoves, and winners and losers.

I found Coping With Difficult People by Robert M. Bramson to be a much better book, and the techniques I learned there utterly defused what might have been a difficult relationship. (Due to a family emergency I was forced into working closely with someone whom I just didn't like.) ( )

People are suffering from verbal violence, in greater numbers than the victims of physical violence. We get little defense training. Here are the Four Basic Principles:

1st, Know that you are under attack.

2d, Know what kind of attack you are facing.

3d, Know how to make your defense fit the attack.

4th, Know how to follow through.

These are not what I find to be the "Principles" of verbal defense, but it is useful to look at how people use language to hurt you/others. This book (and the sequel) really sharpens that look.

The systems-application of the "Satir modes", and Virginia Satir's work with divorcing couples, is particularly helpful. Understand the vocabulary used for the main Five types: The Placater (using his/her fears to avoid decision-responsibility), The Blamer (mixes with defensive), The Computer (no feelings exposed, downplays conflict), The Distracter, The Leveler.

The heart of the technique is to identify the "presupposition" in every attack: The often unexpressed but real meaning conveyed. At the threshhold, and for training purposes, "remember to respond to the presupposition, NEVER to the sequence it is hidden in."[17] Example: If you really loved me you wouldn't go..." Presupp: You don't really love me.

Not worth time required. Any language that presupposes anything and can be perceived as negative toward oneself is considered verbal violence. A prescribed set of techniques for handling each of several over-simplified categories of verbal violence are explained in excrutiating detail. The feminist underpinnings are overwhelming in some places and at most attempting subtlety in others. ( )

Most important take-away from this book for me: if you find yourself disagreeing with someone, try to figure out how what they can say could be true, and TEST it by asking questions. ( )