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Loading... The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World, Second Edition (edition 2012)by Alan Downs
Work InformationThe Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World by Alan Downs
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Sign up for LibraryThing to find out whether you'll like this book. No current Talk conversations about this book. This book attempts to address the shame that colours the early life of so many gay men, and it is the potential of this promise that makes the actual product so disappointing. I almost felt it was reinforcing gay shame in a whole new way as it railed against promiscuity (I'm not promiscuous), being in the closet (I'm totally out) and overachievement (I'm a full-time student at age 36). I kept waiting for the generalisations to end and the exercises to start. I wanted ways to uncover that shame and work through it, but instead all I got was a sense that I should be getting laid more, be more politically active and collect antique clocks. Every time I read self help, I realise that reading the right novel would be so much more helpful for the self. If you have any questions about how growing up gay in a straight world impacts adult behavior, this is a good solid read. Gay men aren't so very different from men generally (except in choice of partners). All men, straight or gay, have to face up issues to do with shame and authenticity but for straight men coming to grips with these issues is usually achieved by the late twenties or early thirties. For gay men overcoming shame is much harder as it is intensified and then reified by their experiences in the world from adolescence on. Gay men will do almost anything to avoid shame. Downs divides the evolution of the gay man into three stages, wild, denial, and falling apart--and rebuilding an authentic self. (The third stage doesn't always happen.) I'm simplifying this but this makes a lot of sense to me. This book would go well with Brene Brown's [Daring Greatly] where she addresses shame the ways shame drives us all. Here, however, Downs makes the case that gay men experience shame squared. **** While there were of course many generalized assumptions or observances about the gay community, for the most part this I book offered a very interesting and profound theory into the struggles of gay men that I came away from feeling so much more enlightened. I have never in my life underlined, highlighted or written in the margins more in my life, then when reading this book. There was so much of myself I found in there, and so much for me to really think about and ingest. I do think this is an important book, and even if you do not identify with everything Downs has to offer, it's still worth the read. I found insight into my friends, my past relationships, and of course myself throughout the entire book. Insightful and in depth, Downs has really put forth a powerful theory that is worth knowing and discussing. I think every gay man should read this book. no reviews | add a review
The most important issue in a gay man's life is not coming out, but coming to terms with the invalidating past. Despite the progress made in recent years, many gay men still wonder, Are we better off? The byproduct of growing up gay in a straight world continues to be the internalization of shame, rejection, and anger, a toxic cocktail that can lead to drug abuse, promiscuity, alcoholism, depression, and suicide. Drawing on contemporary psychological research, the author's own journey, and the stories of many of his friends and clients, Velvet Rage addresses the myth of gay pride and outlines three stages to emotional well-being for gay men. The revised and expanded edition covers issues related to gay marriage, a broader range of examples that extend beyond middle-class gay men in America, and expansion of the original discussion on living authentically as a gay man. No library descriptions found. |
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Google Books — Loading... GenresMelvil Decimal System (DDC)306.76620973Social sciences Social Sciences; Sociology and anthropology Culture and Institutions Relations between the sexes, sexualities, love Sexual orientation, gender identity Homosexuality Gay Men Biography And History North AmericaLC ClassificationRatingAverage:
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When I arrived in NYC in the fall of 1980, promiscuity was the norm and rampant -- That's how I was introduced to gay life. I was relatively innocent and inexperienced; at first I was frightened by the gay bars. I was in over my head and I found many aspects of the cruising / pick up scenes to be overwhelming. The AIDS crisis arrived shortly thereafter, which in my case, amounted to living life in a state of fear. As a person who's sought out "harm reduction" by means of therapy, group therapy and 12 Step groups over the years -- I recognize that much of what Alan Downs, PhD recommends within this tome is derived from the 12 Step method. Mainly the idea of acceptance and how acceptance, when used as a tool, can change one's life; or from a Buddhist perspective -- Seeking "detachment"; learning to let go. "The Velvet Rage" also deconstructs the profound effect of shame, and how by refusing to let go of shame -- One ends up being inauthentic. Many of the gay men described in this book also suffer from a problem that I can relate to; one that causes tremendous existential angst-- That being the "inability to discern between, love, sex and affection".
A major weakness of this book, that has been commented on extensively in other reviews, is its tendency to focus on a particular type of gay man -- The capable, confident, fast lane, fast track to success kind of guy who jumps form one city, and or apartment, to the next; the "glistening" phony who'll hang on your every word -- Just to drop you like a hot potato. Although I've observed many of these types of men from afar, the queer men I've known have never been as driven or privileged as those described in this work. Thus at certain times while reading this text and searching for the common ground / attempting to empathize -- I couldn't help feeling like an "outsider among outsiders".
It's unfortunate that gay men can be cruel to one another; omnipresent rainbow flags notwithstanding, this lack of mutual empathy among queer men is the downside of the "rapier wit" that Dr. Downs references in this book. Sex for its own sake (more likely for "men of a certain age" like myself) often becomes more trouble than it's worth. Ultimately, after reading this text, I'm faced once again with the same questions that I encounter when seeking whatever method of "self-improvement": Does a gray area between "fast track party animal" and "morally superior reformed sinner" actually exist? How does one find "contentment" without turning into a veritable saint? ..... I'm still not sure. ( )