Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You… (1987)

This book drives me nuts. I've had it recommended frequently, and the ideas make sense, but the chatty, fake-therapy-session format is so hard for me to read I kept giving up part way through. I finally decided to read one chapter at a time and see if that helped.

1. Kids need to learn the skills that are necessary to building caring relationships and dealing with others who are different than they are. Parents should focus on teaching those skills rather than worrying about the current drama or imposing their ideas about family life.

2. Parents should empathize and mirror their children's expressed negative feelings. Restating them as wishes can be helpful, as can recasting them as creative activity. Kids who injure their siblings need to be redirected into non-violent expressions. It's usually better to model the behavior yourself than to describe it.

3. Comparing children only creates bad feelings and problems. Stick to describing the behavior you see (or want to see) and your feelings about it. Try not to mention other children at all.

4. Parents and kids want to be fair, but trying to make everything equal leads to madness and resentment. Better to focus on giving each child what they need. This can be physical ("Are you still hungry?") or emotional ("It's hard to be patient when it seems like she is the center of attention.") Try to give attention to what is unique and valued in each child.

5. No child should be identified as "the ______ one." It traps that child in the role and keeps other children from exploring that part of their personality. Focus on the child's behavior. Emphasize abilities rather than problems, and avoid labels.

6. How to respond to fighting depends on how serious it is. Kids can't be allowed to hurt each other, and minor disagreements can be ignored. For serious arguments: acknowledge their anger; state each child's position; describe the problem; say you know they can solve it fairly; leave the room. Ask if they are playing or fighting if you can't tell. Describe what you see and if necessary, separate them.

This book challenges the idea that constant, unpleasant conflict is natural and unavoidable, and in action-oriented, easy to understand anecdotes and stories shows the many ways you can teach your children how to get alone. ( )

Indispensible for anyone with more than one child. ( )

This book is more or less a parenting classic, so far as I can tell: the ultimate guide to dealing with sibling rivalry in kids from birth to teens, with a good moral at the end about repairing sibling relationships as an adult. And, honestly, I wasn’t totally impressed.

For my entire review, see: http://sanctimommy.wordpress.com/2009/09/16/siblings-without-rivalry/ ( )

I like the Positive Discipline series in general and this book in particular is full of useful examples, tips and reminders to help prevent all-out sibling war. ( )