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Sh*t My Dad Says by Justin Halpern

Sh*t My Dad Says

by Justin Halpern

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1,6521354,361 (3.89)62
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Showing 1-5 of 135 (next | show all)
A very light, funny, easy read. ( )
  austin.sears | Mar 15, 2015 |
This is a hysterical book. You have to look past the sh*ts and the f*cks, and the potty humor. But there is some real wisdom in here. Here is a gem:

On the Right Time to Have Children
"It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works."

And there you have it.

My dad was not really in my life, but I can almost hear my Uncle Jack saying some of these things. ( )
  Rilene1 | Mar 2, 2015 |
Unlike the television show adapted from the material, this is funny and occasionally emotionally resonant. ( )
  wishanem | Jan 27, 2015 |
Justin Halpern is the author of the Twitter feed of the same name. Due to it's popularity he was approached to write it in book form. If you haven't realized from the title Justin's father is a foul mouthed, straight speaking person who loves his son. Do I need to speak anything more? A 2/5 star book. ( )
  mausergem | Dec 16, 2014 |
We all have the odd phrases and proverbs that our dad's have told us. Join Halpern in his father's deadpan sarcasm. Not that very long, mostly for the laughs. Worth a shot. ( )
  Rosenstern | Sep 14, 2014 |
Showing 1-5 of 135 (next | show all)
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» Add other authors (2 possible)

Author nameRoleType of authorWork?Status
Justin Halpernprimary authorall editionsconfirmed
Schemmel, SeanReadersecondary authorsome editionsconfirmed
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For my dad, mom, Dan, Evan, Jose, and Amanda
Thank you for all your love and support
First words
"All I ask is that you pick up your shit so you don't leave your bedroom looking like it was used for a gang bang. Also, sorry that your girlfriend dumped you."

When I was twenty-eight years old, I lived in Los Angeles and was in the third year of a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend, who lived in San Diego. Most Fridays I'd sit in traffic for three and a half hours as my 1999 Ford Ranger crawled 126 miles down the I-5 to San Diego. Every once in a while my car would decide to shut off its engine. Meanwhile, its radio was busted, so I only got one station, whose playlist seemed limited to songs from the burgeoning rapper Flo Rida. There's nothing like merging onto a freeway only to have your engine stop, steering wheel lock, and a deejay scream, "And here's MY MAN, Flo Rida, with his new hit 'Right Round'! Let's get this party started!"
"That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them."
"Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking."

"The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two."

On My First Day of Kindergarten
"You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life."
On Leaving My Toys Around the House
"Goddamn it, I just sat on your goddamned truck guy...Optimus Prime? I don't give a shit what it's called, keep it away from where I like to put my ass."
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(Click to show. Warning: May contain spoilers.)
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Tuesdays with Morrie meets F My Life in this hilarious coming-of-age book about a son's relationship with his foul-mouthed father by the 29-year-old comedy writer who created the massively popular Twitter feed of the same name.

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