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Sh*t My Dad Says by Justin Halpern
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Sh*t My Dad Says

by Justin Halpern

Other authors: See the other authors section.

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1,6221334,469 (3.9)59
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» See also 59 mentions

Showing 1-5 of 133 (next | show all)
I listened to this in the car on my way to and from work and am pretty sure I got a bunch of stares while I was laughing my ass off. Absolutely hilarious! I plan on reading/listening to the rest of his books until he stops writing them. ( )
  KatieEmilySmith | Sep 23, 2014 |
We all have the odd phrases and proverbs that our dad's have told us. Join Halpern in his father's deadpan sarcasm. Not that very long, mostly for the laughs. Worth a shot. ( )
  Rosenstern | Sep 14, 2014 |
Funny but nothing that had me on the floor. Quick read with some solid laughs. ( )
  yougotamber | Aug 22, 2014 |
I listened to the audio version. Hilarious ( )
  hukkleberri | Aug 21, 2014 |
Throughout this book I saw my own father. He can be a blunt SOB and quite the ass but he spits the truth...at least to him. I understand this book more now than I would have before kids. I laughed so hard my own children thought I was insane...I told them I would borrow them the book in about 20 years. It's a short book but I loved it. ( )
  selinalynn69 | Aug 19, 2014 |
Showing 1-5 of 133 (next | show all)
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» Add other authors (2 possible)

Author nameRoleType of authorWork?Status
Justin Halpernprimary authorall editionsconfirmed
Schemmel, SeanReadersecondary authorsome editionsconfirmed
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People/Characters
Important places
Important events
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Awards and honors
Epigraph
Dedication
For my dad, mom, Dan, Evan, Jose, and Amanda
Thank you for all your love and support
First words
"All I ask is that you pick up your shit so you don't leave your bedroom looking like it was used for a gang bang. Also, sorry that your girlfriend dumped you."

When I was twenty-eight years old, I lived in Los Angeles and was in the third year of a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend, who lived in San Diego. Most Fridays I'd sit in traffic for three and a half hours as my 1999 Ford Ranger crawled 126 miles down the I-5 to San Diego. Every once in a while my car would decide to shut off its engine. Meanwhile, its radio was busted, so I only got one station, whose playlist seemed limited to songs from the burgeoning rapper Flo Rida. There's nothing like merging onto a freeway only to have your engine stop, steering wheel lock, and a deejay scream, "And here's MY MAN, Flo Rida, with his new hit 'Right Round'! Let's get this party started!"
Quotations
"That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them."
"Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking."

"The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two."

On My First Day of Kindergarten
"You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life."
On Leaving My Toys Around the House
"Goddamn it, I just sat on your goddamned truck guy...Optimus Prime? I don't give a shit what it's called, keep it away from where I like to put my ass."
Last words
(Click to show. Warning: May contain spoilers.)
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Tuesdays with Morrie meets F My Life in this hilarious coming-of-age book about a son's relationship with his foul-mouthed father by the 29-year-old comedy writer who created the massively popular Twitter feed of the same name.

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