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Sh*t My Dad Says by Justin Halpern

Sh*t My Dad Says (edition 2010)

by Justin Halpern

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2,1681674,538 (3.89)70
Title:Sh*t My Dad Says
Authors:Justin Halpern
Info:It Books (2010), Hardcover, 176 pages
Collections:Biography, Your library
Tags:first edition, hardcover

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Sh*t My Dad Says by Justin Halpern


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Showing 1-5 of 168 (next | show all)
I don't think I've ever laughed out loud so much with any book before. It was far too short, though. ( )
  Terrencee | May 8, 2019 |
A lot of people have seen me reading this book. A lot of people have ventured the opinion that "My dad is just as funny, I bet I could write a book like that too!"

1. He probably isn't and 2. No you couldn't.

Saying that sort of thing short changes Justin Halpern's talents and has the same tone as all those people who think their 'wacky' office should be given a sitcom.

Sorry people, that would suck too.

My dad is a funny guy who said all sorts of fucked up things to us growing up, and still does. But you know what? I didn't write them up in a twitter feed and if somehow given a book option I doubt I could have worked as much into this tiny book as Halpern has.

Most comedy books are one-noters, getting tired after a half-hour or so of reading. This is because that book is the same thing as watching the show, or checking the site. Rarely is anything offered that improves on the original. Halpern does list a few one-liners at the end of each chapter, but mostly he expands on certain lines and gives a bigger picture, you know more about the family, the situations, and it makes for a much better read. ( )
  ManWithAnAgenda | Feb 18, 2019 |
If foul language offends you then this not the book for you. That being said the books is laugh out loud funny literally. His dad is no nonsense and says pretty much whatever comes to mind, foul language included. Covers a lot of ground from jobs to sex, bullying to religion. I was going to put some little quotes in here from the book but it seems that all that were very funny also have foul language. Again runs the gambit and sure to make most of us laugh. ( )
  ChrisWeir | Dec 31, 2018 |
hysterical. cannot believe it has taken me this long to get around to reading this book! a lot of fun! ( )
  cfulton20 | Dec 5, 2018 |
Justin Halpern's dad tells it like he sees it. He is an old curmudgeon, imparting wisdom in a hilarious, most profane yet insightful way. While he clearly has not been the easiest to grow up with, yet the love between father and son shines through as his dad drops gem after gem.

The audio was short and hilarious, I laughed out loud often!

“I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.”

“Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.”

“You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it.”

“I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving this shit.”

( )
  Gezemice | Oct 29, 2018 |
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Author nameRoleType of authorWork?Status
Justin Halpernprimary authorall editionscalculated
Schemmel, SeanReadersecondary authorsome editionsconfirmed
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For my dad, mom, Dan, Evan, Jose, and Amanda
Thank you for all your love and support
First words
"All I ask is that you pick up your shit so you don't leave your bedroom looking like it was used for a gang bang. Also, sorry that your girlfriend dumped you."

When I was twenty-eight years old, I lived in Los Angeles and was in the third year of a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend, who lived in San Diego. Most Fridays I'd sit in traffic for three and a half hours as my 1999 Ford Ranger crawled 126 miles down the I-5 to San Diego. Every once in a while my car would decide to shut off its engine. Meanwhile, its radio was busted, so I only got one station, whose playlist seemed limited to songs from the burgeoning rapper Flo Rida. There's nothing like merging onto a freeway only to have your engine stop, steering wheel lock, and a deejay scream, "And here's MY MAN, Flo Rida, with his new hit 'Right Round'! Let's get this party started!"
"That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them."
"Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking."

"The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two."

On My First Day of Kindergarten
"You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life."
On Leaving My Toys Around the House
"Goddamn it, I just sat on your goddamned truck guy...Optimus Prime? I don't give a shit what it's called, keep it away from where I like to put my ass."
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(Click to show. Warning: May contain spoilers.)
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Tuesdays with Morrie meets F My Life in this hilarious coming-of-age book about a son's relationship with his foul-mouthed father by the 29-year-old comedy writer who created the massively popular Twitter feed of the same name.

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