Joseph Garber (1943–2005)

Jack Taft is just an average executive--vice-president in a New York import-export firm--until he goes to Singapore to carry out the first step in a corporate restructuring. Hours after he gets off the plane, he's on the run: hunted both by Singapore's ruthlessly efficient police force and by agents of a local crime boss. Both the cops and the crooks believe that he is an international drug kingpin . . . the result of an elaborate frame-up by enemies Jack didn't know he had. Singapore takes show more drug trafficking very seriously, and If he can't clear his name, Taft faces a quick trial and a certain death sentence. Fortunately, he's about to discover a side of himself he never knew existed.

Joseph Garber, who wrote only a handful of books and died far too soon, may be the best thriller writer you've never heard of. His first and third excursions into the genre--Vertical Run and Whirlwind--also concern innocent men on the run from powerful enemies, but their heroes are retired soldiers and spies. Taft is a genuine amateur, and part of the fun of In A Perfect State is watching Garber find ways to (more or less) plausibly get Taft out of one jam after another. Plausibility is, of course, in the eye of the beholder, and at some level this is the kind of book where you either buy the fundamental premise or you don't. If, after Taft's first run-in with armed opponents, you're smiling rather than rolling your eyes . . . you'll thoroughly enjoy the rest of the story. show less

Charlie McKenzie was called out of a retirement from the CIA that was forced on him after being found guilty and sentenced to an 18-month prison term for actions taken on the job. The rub is that he only did the job after receiving a personal assurance from Sam, the President's National Security Advisor that he would have full presidential immunity from prosecution. Except that Sam was "mistaken" about the president's intentions and there was no such immunity. And then he was denied show more compassionate parole to visit his dying wife or attend her funeral by someone very high in the executive branch. And the real kick is that now Sam is making the very same promises, if only Charlie will do this one job. Vowing to get even with the man who ruined his career and reputation, and caused him to let down his beloved Mary when she needed him most, Charlie agreed to do the job - after wrangling a $20 million down payment.

The situation at hand is the theft of one the most sensitive military technologies ever developed, from a highly secure lab in the New Mexican desert - by a rookie Russian spy, a young woman named Irina Kolodendova. Charlie's job is to retrieve "Whirlwind", the code name for the technology which was stolen, and bring Kolodendova into custody. In two and half days, at which time an open contract would be put out on Kolodendova's life. However, as soon as Charlie has received his instructions, Sam double-crosses him again by immediately contacting Johann Schmidt, a South African mercenary with his own reasons for hating Charlie, and puts him on whirlwind's trail with the promise that he can have Charlie if he can catch him.

And the game is afoot. Charlie is immediately impressed with Irina's skill and cunning, and quickly moves out of Sam's reach. But as soon as he becomes aware of Schmidt's involvement, Charlie and Irina must work together if either is to survive the chase.

A fast-paced romp across the entire American southwest, from Texas to the Pacific coast. Often irreverent, Charlie is a smart-aleck who knows exactly what he can accomplish and never doubts his abilities. He is tough and smart, but has an enormous soft spot for his wife, Mary, and for cats. And more and more respect and affection for Irina. Sam is a weasel, and Schmidt is evil incarnate. A great thriller. I loved it. show less

** spoiler alert ** Transsexual gangs, deadly viruses, and Vietnam flashbacks. Vertical Run has it all. But as we’ve learned from Universal Soldier 2 and Jane Eeyre alike, guns and trannies aren’t always enough to fill that plot-shaped hole. And this is holier than the Swiss cheese the pope used to hit Jews with back in his youth.

The basic story goes like this: Dave Elliot goes into work. It’s just an average day until his boss tries to shoot him in the back of the head and a group of show more goons t...more Transsexual gangs, deadly viruses, and Vietnam flashbacks. Vertical Run has it all. But as we’ve learned from Universal Soldier 2 and Jane Eeyre alike, guns and trannies aren’t always enough to fill that plot-shaped hole. And this is holier than the Swiss cheese the pope used to hit Jews with back in his youth.

The basic story goes like this: Dave Elliot goes into work. It’s just an average day until his boss tries to shoot him in the back of the head and a group of goons tries over and over to kill him while he plays hide and seek in his office building. So pretty much like Die Hard, right?

No, not right. Not right at all.

For example, let’s just play the imagination game for a second. Imagine that you’re a mercenary, a hired thug who has braved the jungles of Da Nang and the deserts of somewhere else Asian that we hated. Now, imagine that your job is to kill an ex-special forces dude who works in a functioning and fully-staffed office building. Your principle advantage is that he has no idea that anyone is out to kill him. You have the full authority of the government behind you and all of its resources.

Take 30 seconds and come up with a plan to kill Mr. Elliot.
…

What did you decide? To get a cop uniform and take him out of the building and shoot him in an alley? To have an agent dress as a hobo and knife him on his morning jog? Or did you decide, like Ransome, the principle bad guy, to hand the job over to Elliot’s elderly boss? If you did, you’re fired from Imaginary Government.

All of this aside, let’s take a moment to compare a key Die Hard element. If you recall, Bruce Willis, when he has the chance to make a quick quip to the baddie, came up with the simple yet effective “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!” What is Elliot’s version? “Up your poop with an ice cream scoop.” Yeah, for real.

And what about characters? The female lead is Marge. Her real name is Marigold Fields, but she prefers Marge. Let’s demonstrate her first encounter with Elliot from her point of view, as imagined by Yours Truly:

“I was in this computer room with my boss. He’s a jerk and he was hitting on me, saying that sleeping with him was the only way I was getting anywhere in the company. He was persistent, but I was holding my own. Then, this psycho comes out from the floor and beats the holy hell out of him. I guess I was supposed to be happy about that. He kept staring into my eyes, like he was in love or something. He managed to convince me that he was in trouble and needed help, so I agreed to help him out with his needlessly complicated plan. Once I agreed, he said I would need an alibi and then punched me in the face and knocked me out. What an ass.”

After that Dave makes his ek-scape from the building. Marge goes home, but shortly thereafter a visitor comes knocking on her door.

For some reason, the bad guys come to her house. And for some reason, they are dressed as cops (NOW you figure it out?). And for some reason, they try to convince her that she was raped while she was out cold. And for some reason, even though she turns it down, for some reason they give her a forced gynecological exam of some kind. And for some reason, even though this would surely be the most horrifying experience of most womens’ lives, for some reason she is awfully sexually inviting to Elliot when he comes back to her house after knocking her out. Oh, and stealing the cash from her wallet for some reason (really!).

I know this is getting very blow-by-blow, but bear with me. It’s worth it, I promise you.

Out in the streets of New York, Elliot changes his appearance by bleaching his hair and combing it forward, a change that inexplicably makes everyone assume that he is gay. SUPER gay. In the span of five pages he is called Cupcake, Fruit, Pixie, and Three Dollar Bill. He appears so gay, in fact, that a tranny prostitute refuses to believe that he doesn’t want her services. Things escalate quickly and Elliot soon finds himself surrounded by a gang of trannies trying to kill him.

I’m going to stop here for a second. This should be the best book ever. I don’t know why someone isn’t attacked by a gang of tranny prostitutes in every book, but it’s just not the world we live in. But if you found a way to weasel it in, don’t let me down. Don’t you let me down. This isn’t a plot device you can toy with, this isn’t a magic stone or some kind of elf or a wacky neighbor. This is a gang of trannies with straight razors. Get it together.

The most frustrating part of this book, besides everything, is that it was so full of missed opportunities. There was a brief period where Elliot is unsure whether he is experiencing things realistically or just having flashbacks, an interesting idea that is trashed right away. There is the idea of companies and government in bed together, an idea that would have been very ahead of its time, but they never bother with that either. And, of course, there is a mob of trannies. I'm sorry, I'm just not over it yet.

That’s most of what I want to say about the book. Oh, except for it seemed like it was redeeming itself in the last 20 pages or so only to completely screw itself over again. Not as bad as “It was all a dream,” but about as close as you care to get.

Overall, Vertical Run was a lot like the onion that fell behind my microwave: Never really great in its own right, signifying potential, and only worse as it aged. show less

I read Vertical Run twenty years ago or so when it first came out in paperback, and I just discovered that it still has a space on my bookshelves. It is entertaining, but for the most part it is an uninspired rehash of Die Hard with some Rambo mixed in for good measure, with lead character Dave Elliot arriving to work one morning to find everybody - up to and including his boss - trying to kill him. A cat-and-mouse game in a fifty-story high-rise ensues as Dave tries to stay alive while show more trying to find out why no one wants him to succeed at staying alive.

For a book written in the mid-nineties, parts of the novel have a distinct eighties feel to them, including Rambo reminiscent war flashbacks and a glimpse into what the author considers "looking gay" actually entails. There aren't many surprises in Vertical Run, and plenty of plot holes and dubious events, but like any B-list action movie, it delivers what it promises. Of course, the large Clive Cussler blurb on the front cover of the paperback should immediately curb the expectation for anything above average (Clive Cussler fans please ignore the previous statement). show less