Aesop

A raven thinks that if he acts like a swan, his black feathers will turn white and he will be beautiful and graceful like the swan. So he lives like one, diving, eating water plants, and so on, even to the point of almost drowning. And still he fucking tried, and became thinner and thinner because the swan's diet was not nourishing to him, and he stayed as black as ever, and then he fucking died.

Moral - A change of habits will not alter nature.

Also, that god damn fucking stupid show more shit-for-brains raven, staying the course even as he literally fucking starved himself to death, at least he removed himself from the gene pool. Good fucking riddance. show less

A wolf gets a bone stuck in his throat, and decides to approach a crane for help because of the crane's slender beak. Naturally, Crane is hesitant, but the Wolf promises a reward. So the Crane lowers her beak into the wolf's throat and pulls out the bone. Deed done, the wolf walks away and Crane is like, WTF Wolf, you promised me a reward?

To which the asshole responds that it was reward enough for the crane to put her head in the wolf's mouth and not get it snapped off.

Moral - Expect no show more reward for serving the wicked

To which I say, at least get the promise in writing and/or witnessed if you're really that compelled to help an asshole and they promise you a nice enough reward. show less

So there's this boar who's sharpening his tusks against a tree trunk, minding his own business. A fox, who is an asshole who likes to mock the other animals, comes along and sees the boar at work. Fox is all like, 'Why are you doing that, bruh? There's no danger around!' because he thinks he's being so cute and clever with this 'snark'.

Unperturbed, the boar calmly replies that if danger does come around, there won't be time to sharpen his tusks, so best to be at the ready if/when it ever show more does happen.

So there, Fox. Wisdom is more useful in the long run than cleverness.

Moral - Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace. show less

A pond full of bored frogs wish they had a king, because there is no real order in the pond and they think it'd be grand to have all the pomp of a government/king.

WTF were they thinking. Anyway, the frogs send their prayers to Zeus/Jupiter, who was a pretty fucking important dude in Aesop's time (the king of the gods himself, OMG) who decides to fuck with them by throwing a log in the pond.

No, really. Jupiter could be a jackass sometimes. The frogs freak out thinking a giant has landed show more amongst them. But the Log just floats there, and the stupid frogs come to the conclusion that they have a peaceable king. Ok, they can dig it. Hell, King Log lets them use him as a diving platform.

Some of the older frogs sometimes sit on the log, and they would complain about the lack of government to Jupiter. (yes, these frogs were dumb as fuck) Jupiter fucks with them again by sending a crane. Naturally a bird that eats frogs is going to be a vastly different king than a log. As King Crane is making a fine meal of some of the frogs, the remaining ones cry and pray to Jupiter.

However, Jupiter replies with scorn, telling them they got what they asked for and they have only themselves to blame for their misfortune.

Yeah, fuck you, you stupid frogs.

Moral - Be sure you can better your condition before you seek to change. show less