Leonard Felder

Leonard Felder, a Los Angeles licensed psychologist, who appeared on over 200 radio and television programs, offers his readers an eight part easy to follow program to rid people of stressful situations, control their emotions, and make them holy. His method, as the final term “holy” suggests is based upon his understanding of the teachings of Jewish mysticism. He assures his readers that his ideas can help people of all faiths. His methods include meditations and prayers, as well as scientific techniques.

His first solution, for example, focuses on the biblical statement, said by the prophet Samuel and others when they were called by God: “Here I Am.” He explains how using his technique can help people change their focus from one that stresses them to one that puts them at ease.

His fourth teaching, to cite another example, teaches his readers how to let go or, at least, reduce a person’s involvement. This is one of the prime reasons for stress.

His second lesson involves a phenomenon that most people do not know exist, the Zeigarnik Effect. The human brain focuses on what is incomplete or negative. Thus when people see a bunch of random sentences, they forget the majority of coherent sentences and the brain concentrates on the sentences with missing words or incomplete thoughts. This trait is generally good because the brain is problem solving. But in the wrong context, it can depress people who are unable to forget what they did wrong while they don’t remember the many things they did right. Felder explains how to overcome this natural phenomenon.… (more)

Alexei Panshin, I think, said that to be successful, a book need not be good; it must merely appear at the proper time. So, I have to say I have no idea whether this book is good or not: it just appeared, at least for me, at the proper time.

I requested this book through my local library due to some material from it that appeared in our Employee Health Newsletter that just spoke to me. That was that if you have been treated like an outsider, the first thing you need to do is to work around the expectation of being blown off. That spoke so clearly to some of my experiences! Whether or not my reactions and way of presenting myself were responsible for the experiences of my 20s and 30s, I still react to situations based on expectations I formed at that time, and I was making things harder for myself than they had to be.

Normally, sane people are rather suspicious of books that embrace the idea that one really could be dissed because of being outsider, being excluded. This is because, well, there's that whole "Oh poor me, everyone is against me" syndrome that we can all fall into, and which those of us who have experienced exclusion at an early age (say, in adolescent cliques) are more prone to. The idea is that if you as a person are *really* being excluded, there's generally a reason, right? And it's probably your fault. Or you aren't being excluded, you're excluding yourself. So, people and self-help books reason, the first step is admitting you *are* the problem, one way or another.

The trouble is, once you've identified yourself as the problem, identified the way you present yourself and your ideas as the problem, it's not always easy to find a way to change the dynamic. And what if the dynamic doesn't change? It's hard not to get discouraged and bitter when you realize that the more you advocate for something you consider important, the less likely it is to happen.

What I found especially attractive about this book (once I got past the discomfort of having the idea of experiencing social exclusion taken seriously) is that it doesn't have to require admitting you're wrong. What it does is give tools for addressing situations calmly, rationally, and surviving when things don't work out, as well as admission that sometimes things just don't change just because you want them to. It also talks about how to think about 'is this really something I want to pursue'? and how to see the people you're having trouble with as human.

The author isn't asking people to try not to be an outsider, or to accept things as they are and "get over it." What he wants to cover are these points (I'm quoting from his introduction):

* What held-back gifts, insights, and benefits could you as an outsider now bring forth.
* What to say when someone tries to exclude you or cut you out of the loop.
* How to avoid the self-sabotage that many outsiders fall into.
* How to become an excellent mentor, ally, and team member for other outsiders.
* How to make your circle the one that people want to be in.

The book is full of vignettes, both of celebrities and ordinary people, some of whom have turned their lives around from being outsiders; some of whom have failed; and some of whom have tackled one particular exclusionary problem, or one particular personal issue, and were able to make headway. It's specifically not a 'feel-good' profile book though, as the author points out. Nor does the author suggest infinitely persisting in situations that don't work, or trying to make yourself someone you aren't.

A story out of Judaic teaching that he relates touched me very much, even though when I followed up on it, the actual story is much less gentle, so I'll reproduce his version:

...a well respected but very human rabbi in Eastern Europe named Reb Zusya who has a dream one night in which he talks with the mysterious Divine Presence. He says, "At the end of my life, I suspect I will stand before You and be asked, 'Zusya, why couldn't you be more like Moses, the great teacher and courageous leader?" Then he hears a gentle, mysterious whisper in response. "Zusya, my one and only Zusya: at the end of your life you will not be asked why you were not more like Moses. You will be asked why you were not more like Zusya."

A key strategy that the author (who is a psychologist with management experience) describes boils down to a method for reminding yourself that you are both a valuable, unique individual, and one individual among many, who doesn't need to be perfect, to be the fulcrum of the universe. Another mantra he suggests for one person dealing with difficult people is "I'm going to handle this with decency and integrity no matter what." (I know from my own experience that this often does help more than you'd think, and certainly more than my 20-year-old self, who took this up, would have thought.)

Like I said, I don't know if this is a good book. I know that it hit a spot for me, and that I want my own copy. Maybe you or someone you know would feel the same about it. I'll leave you by quoting his suggestions for responding better to hurtful cliques. I know I'm doing him a disservice by disinterring these bullet points from the explanatory text, but if this book is for you, they might whet your appetite.

Strategy #1: Find moments of service to offset the moments of discomfort.
Strategy #2: Recognize that many excluders are secretly doing a cover-up.
Strategy #3: Always be on the lookout for members of the inner circle who are flexible enough to make a side deal with you… (more)