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Do you lend out your books?
My collection may be large, but the majority of my friends and co-workers do not share my reading tastes. It's helped slow down on the borrowing.
My mother also thinks that because there are so many of us (7 children) and we shared all toys etc we are very particular now about our things. Probably some truth in that too.
Needless to say, they did NOT return in the same condition!! I decided to let it go, they were just books, but it's gotten worse!!! She has become very pushy about the types of books she gets, how often she gets them, and each time, my books come back in worse condition than they were sent! For example, a couple have been lost altogether, water has been spilled on several, the spines are all cracked, and food is ALWAYS on at least on of the bunch I loaned her. I have tried discreetly telling her that I am not a library and that I take care of my books because I enjoy re-reading them. She acts like I'm joking and just blows it off. Always with another request for more books!!
I'm not sure what to do!! How can I loan books to everyone in my office but one?? I keep telling myself they are just books, but my heart breaks a little each time :'(
Sorry this rambled on!! Looks like I needed to vent!! Thanks for allowing it.
See, I was an only child growing up (my sister wasn't born till I was 16) and I notoriously REFUSED to ever share my things. With anyone. When I was very young, my mom tried to get me to share toys using this logic: "why should the other kids share their toys with you if you won't share with them?" And it totally backfired because I would reply, "They shouldn't, if they don't want to, and I don't expect them to." I understood not wanting to share and didn't hold it against them. Toys break, they get lost and slobbered on, and aagh! And while I knew I wouldn't break that other kid's toys, they didn't, so they had every reason to be wary!
As an adult I have
I can't really fault other people for not returning good books to me since a parts of my own collection were 'loaned' to me indefinitely. I'll give my sister's books back when I borrow them, but sometimes it's painful to do so.
Oh, how awful :( It would make me stop loaning altogether. I'd say that it was costing me too much to repair and replace books that were not returned to me or returned in worse condition.
But I know I could get away with saying something like that because of my reputation regarding people touching my stuff.
>5 mschweer432: I'd just be upfront with her saying that it's getting too expensive to keep replacing the books that she doesn't take care of.
But food/water stains? I have some on some of my books because I had been not careful or whatever. But these are mine. Borrowed books? If it ever happens, I will probably buy another book and return it.
There are some things that cannot control - nose bleeding for example - a few of my books have drops of blood on them - and if someone returns a book with something like that, I would not make a fuss (provided that they tell me and don't try to hide it and hope I won't see). In most cases even for food/water -as long as they let me know and they realise that it matters, I am fine. Someone that does not think it matters? They won't see any of my books any time soon.
It's so nice of you to be concerned about her feelings since it is obvious that she could care less about yours. You may view her as a friend but I don't see how you can think she sees you as one since she is showing you no respect. If she asks to borrow a book just say no. No explanation is required, but if she pushes for one simply tell her that you can not afford to buy another one if that one is damaged. Remember you own the book and she has no right to it. YOU decide who to loan your books to not her.
I did once borrow a book from a co-worker and I had the worst luck with everything happening to that book. Normally my books are pristine, but this one ended up with water and food splashes and a tear. I went and bought her a new one and she professed that I shouldn't have (but I still would again if I had it to do over). I have had one person damage a hardback book significantly, but I didn't care. She offered to replace it, and I told her not to and meant it. So I guess the moral of the story is each reader is different in how they feel about books and how they view borrowing, but I would not continue to loan out books to someone who so disrespected me or the books (RE: #5).
A few years ago I ended up giving away the vast majority of my library owing to a house move and rapidly dwindling space. I took it as an opportunity to start looking at my books objectively and it turned out to be a wonderfully cathartic experience. I realised that I was clinging on to things that I had no emotional attachment to for the simple reason that they were books. I've tried to keep up with the cleansing by letting go of books as quickly as I can after I've read them. The biggest change I've made is to use library books where I can, and only buy new copies when I can't get a book any other way, or when I've read the book, loved it, and want a copy to keep and reread. Then I can take all the time I want to shelve, stroke, and love them.
>1 LA12Hernandez:, your friend has a problem with politely receiving gifts. She was rude and unfeeling, and rejected your gift outright. Regardless of whether the gift is a book or anything else, that's unacceptable behavior and not an appropriate way to treat a friend.
>5 mschweer432: in your position I would stop lending to the one person and tell the person why, but brook no discussion of it - it's totally your decision to make. Borrowing books from you is a privilege, not a right, and you have every right to withdraw borrowing privileges for cause or not. If that creates an issue, stop lending to everyone, and tell them all why - that one person is not respecting your property and it has led to your decision to stop lending altogether. You can even name the person if you want and let peer pressure work for you.
>13 _debbie_: like you, if I damage a borrowed book (or any borrowed item) I replace it.
I was raised that you treat other people's property better than you treat your own. Borrowed items must be returned in the condition you received them, unless something else is agreed in advance. Anything else shows disrespect to the giver. Not disrespect to the borrowed item, but to the person who gave it.
I know others do not hold to this standard, but obviously from the above, I have little patience for those who don't. So I very rarely lend out books. When I do, I accept going in that I may never get it back, or I may get it back abused, and don't lend it unless that's ok with me.
I also never lend money unless I'm totally ok if I never get it back. Again, something I do incredibly rarely.
>5 mschweer432:: "I'm sorry, I don't have any books to lend you." Repeat until nagging stops. It can be hard in a work situation, but that sentence is non-offensive and clear. If she(?) stops speaking to you or raises Cain, it won't be you who looks awkward.
As for lending out books, it depends. I give lots and lots of books away. I would lend only to a very small group of friends--most of them here on LT--who seem trustworthy. If a book goes missing, it's a lesson learned for me, and sometimes a painful one.
I lent a treasured copy of a book to a coworker; never saw it again. Never loaned him a book again either.
I lent a first edition of a book, known by the borrower--a very close relative--to be treasured by myself, never saw it again despite repeated requests. Never loaned her another book. Gave her several, but not anything I wanted back.
I try to be scrupulous about books I borrow, replacing any that I may have accidentally damaged. People are sensitive about their books, and I think others should respect that, or buy their own.
We're cuplrits, too, we have a stack with borrowed books, some of which we've had for years and been too lazy to return, so I guess it all evens out.
Yes, I've been burned too. In fact I just recovered two books that the borrower denied having. When I took them off her shelf, my name was clearly written inside. No more priviledges for her.
My sister, bless her, will gather up piles of books I've lent her about once a decade and return forgotten treasures.
When inquiring about one of the books that was not returned to me, the person said that she had loaned it to someone else and did not remember who!
So now, I lend books only to my mother-in-law. She respects my books and they come back to me - normally within a week or two, certainly no more than a month later - in substantially the same condition as when I loaned them to her. And she's only 5 minutes away from me. As for anyone else... I may give books I do not expect to be returned, but positively won't loan them. I've learned my lesson.
I don't borrow books as a rule, not even from the public library. I just take too long with some books, and making arrangements for timely returning those I would borrow is far too much hassle.
5. Don't feel guilty about cutting off that one co-worker - or all of them from borrowing your books. Lack of respect of other people's property is a serious breach of manners. She needs to be told that's what she's doing... and do speak the name of the bad apple to the others if you choose to stop loaning to all. Peer pressure works wonders.
I would tell that one co-worker that if she can't read books without trashing them the way she does, then she needs to buy - not borrow - the books she wants to read. Or get her own copy from Bookmooch. Regardless of what you choose to do about loaning to other co-workers... that one needs to find out that she's no longer welcome to borrow books from you.
I'm careful with my own books, let alone someone else's, but whenever I'm reading something she's lent me I feel jinxed. I just know I'm going to drop it, one of the cat's is going to yak on it, a meteor is going to hit it....
On the flip side, anymore I never lend a book I'm not willing to see disappear - too many of them have disappeared never to be returned. I don't feel guilty about it, either. After all, I paid for them! :)
Lending books: a good way of clearing shelf-space without any fear that the book will come back...
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