The Hibernator Strikes Back

Hi, my name's Rachel (the_hibernator), and I got my PhD in biomedical engineering studying hibernating bears. :) Right now, I'm working in the medical industry. In my spare time, I'm also working as a gardener for a landscaping company. I volunteer for a suicide prevention hotline for teenagers and for a program called "COLUMNS" which is a restorative justice program working with recently paroled life-sentence felons to help them adjust to a new life outside of prison. I'm also passionate about reducing stigma about mental illness. I have bipolar disorder and talk about it a lot because I think more people need to know that mental illness is something that you don't have to be ashamed of.

If you want to follow me on other media:

Twitter: @hibernatorslibr
blog: http://hibernatorslibrary.blogspot.com

Top 5 of 2015:



Books Read in 2016

1. Curio, by Evangeline Denmark
2. Something Rotten, by Jasper Fforde
3. Wild Swans: Three Daughters of China, by Jung Chang
4. Rolling Stones, Robert A. Heinlein
5. The Devil in the Grove: Thurgood Marshall, the Groveland boys, and the Dawn of a New America, by Gilbert King
6. The Time Machine, by H. G. Wells
7. Little House in the Big Woods, by H. G. Wells
8. Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World, by Jack Weatherford
9. Burning Midnight, by Will McIntosh
10. The Little Book of Circle Processes, by Kay Pranis
11. War of the Worlds, by H. G. Wells
12. The Nine Lives of Jacob Tibbs, by Cylin Busby
13. Among Murderers, by Sabine Heinlein
14. You Were Here, by Cori McCarthy
15. The Aeronaut's Windlass, by Jim Butcher
16. Mrs. Dalloway, by Virginia Woolf
17. Little House on the Prairie, Laura Ingalls Wilder
18. The Reivers, by William Faulkner
19. A Passage to India, by E. M. Forster
20. The Serpent King, by Jeff Zentner
21. A Midsummer Night #nofilter, by Brett Wright
22. Moon Over Soho, by Ben Aaronovich
23. The Last Week, by Marcus Borg and John Dominic Crossan
24. Red: The True Story of Red Riding Hood, by Liesl Shurtliff
25. Shadow Magic, by Joshua Kahn
26. Persuasion, by Jane Austen
27. Unfair, by Adam Benforado
28. Gooseberry Bluff Community College of Magic, by David J. Schwartz
29. Holding Smoke, by Elle Cosimano
30. Death Weavers, by Brandon Mull
31. The Corinthian, by Georgette Heyer
32. Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen
33. Silver Linings Playbook, by Matthew Quick
34. Just Mercy, by Brian Stevenson
35. Grave Peril, by Jim Butcher
36. Bullet Catcher's Daughter, by Rod Duncan

First of all, let me thank all of you who wrote supportive messages to me about my cousin's suicide. It was a difficult time for me because although I work with suicidal teenagers at the crisis hotline, this hit close to home. I know that the lives of those affected will always be changed. I appreciate how everyone here is always so supportive! hugs to you all!

Second - the job that I said I thought I'd got: well, I got a second interview is what I got. With a comment at the end saying "I'll call you later today," but I got no call. That was Friday. I'll call them on Tuesday if they don't call me on Monday. I'll let you know as soon as I know. I think once I get a job my anxiety will drop and I'll get back in the reading/reviewing mood. I know my thread has been a little barren lately.

In the mean-time, I've decided to supplement my income by getting a part time gardening job at a landscaping company. It's hard work, but it's very relaxing and grounding. (Yes. I admit the pun was intended. But it really is grounding.)

Hi Rachel. I am just getting caught up around here. I am sorry to hear about your cousin. That is really tough and we are Sending you hugs. My teenage son was experiencing suicidal feelings for a while when he was 15-16, so I know that it's something that is hard to predict or control, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Good luck with the job. I hope they call you. Meanwhile, I love that you have a "grounding" job. I find gardening very therapeutic. :)

This week I read nothing.

I watched:



I'm currently working on

>4 nittnut: Thanks Jenn!

Yes, it seems that more and more teenagers are expressing suicidal thoughts around that age. And unfortunately, the teen suicide rate is increasing quite a bit (though not as much as middle-aged-to-older men). My cousin was 19 and I assume that he hadn't expressed any suicidal thoughts in advance or else his dad wouldn't have left the gun out. I wish my cousin had thought to say something!

Personally, I feel that educating children/teens about suicide is really important because it opens up a conversation that might otherwise feel taboo and never be discussed till it's too late. I was shocked when the parents of my third grader cousin decided not to tell her that her cousin had died AT ALL, because they didn't want to upset her. Won't she notice her missing cousin Derek? Won't she hear whispers from other people? And what is that teaching her about the honesty of her parents and the openness of conversation? I find such treatment of children frightening.

Interestingly, other people believe that talking about suicide actually introduces the idea into the heads of teenagers, making them more likely to do it. Though personally I think such thoughts come naturally sometimes, and if they don't understand what the feelings are (because they've never been able to discuss them) then they might act on them anyway. But that's my humble opinion.

I know that's much more answer to your kind words than you expected, Jenn. I'll get off my soapbox.

I totally agree with you though. I will join you on that soap box. Um. How do you not mention that someone in your family has died? That's a little too protective. Why not let her experience death and learn from it at a somewhat safe distance? It's tough, but we all will experience the death of a loved one, so it's important to learn how to cope with grief.
Yes, talking about suicide might give a child the idea, and there are thought to be many "copycat" events among teens, but not talking about it seems riskier. I much prefer the idea that someone who is hurting could feel that they could talk about their feelings and be heard and not dismissed. Even if it's attention seeking more than serious intent. Most people have had irrational thoughts at one time or another, so we should own it and talk about it, not pretend it doesn't happen.

>7 nittnut: Agreed!

Even if it's attention seeking more than serious intent.

In my mind, it's never purely attention seeking. I mean, if the kid is seeking attention THAT desperately, then something is wrong. They might not be a "real" suicide threat, but help needs to come in some form.

>8 The_Hibernator: Agreed - I was just speaking from my personal experience. Our son was crying for help in a very desperate way, but not at the point of taking action. Had we not heard him and done something? Well. I'd rather not go there.

I'm glad you were there for him, Jenn. :)

Hi Rhonda, so sorry to hear about the loss of your cousin. I recall being in my early teens when a cousin I had never met , but was my dad's first cousin's son shot himself the day or two after he left the psychiatric ward. About 10 years ago, my husbands brother also took his own life. That was a difficult time, especially for my husband. He lived about 50 or more miles away and was a very private person, though I had no idea of the extent of his problems. Following his suicide, my husband and I realized from talking with my husband's dad, that very likely Bob had suffered with schizophrenia and depression, though his parents had not recognized it as such. Unknown to any of us, he had lost his job, lost his will to live and no one knew until the police arrived at my husband's dad's door. I must say, the family dealt with it much better than I could have ever imagined. Our kids were about 19 and 15 at the time, so we kept them away from Bob's place during the cleaning up of his apartment, we of course had to explain to our sons what had happened. I am not sure that our sons wanted a lot of detail, but so we told them what needed to be said. Our sons seemed to cope pretty good with it all.

Well, that's all the sorrow I can deal with right now. As best you can, carry on, talk to friends and family and happy reading. Big hugs.

And that reminds that I need to call my now 31 year old son who sometimes has his challenges and is a single guy living on his own. He is working full time and is really into power lifting, but I like to make sure he knows we are always here, no matter what and that we interested in his life and goings on. Our younger son is a very happy and recently married fellow of 26, and he stopped by a day ago , so I don't worry about him much at all. Plus he is more one to keep in touch via his wife.

Dear Rachel, my mother's long term next door neighbour suffered with clinical depression most of his life and he made several attempts to kill himself including slashing his own throat in his own garage which his wife stumbled upon and saved him. A lovely man when his dark moods were not about him but he succeeded in the end by throwing himself off the multi-storey car park in our hometown.

I think there is a temptation for those left behind to blame themselves for an eventuality they were never equipped to prevent. His poor lovely wife has aged terribly both as a result of his depression and the ultimate consequences of it. In reality though she was not the cause of his demons (whatever they were) and made his life as happy as possible providing him companionship, love and solace when he allowed himself the privilege. She now deserves that self same companionship, love and solace and I hope she finds it in due time.

I guess my point is that your near family should not beat themselves up too much because of what-ifs. Without knowing the circumstances this happened, I'm sure, despite and not because of them.

I hope that you yourself are not too down as it is incumbent upon us to get on with living. Happy new thread, dear. xx

I'm sorry to have missed the news of your cousin's suicide. I hope you are doing all right with it.

A handful of years ago, my daughter was struggling with severe depression and it seemed like while I was wrestling with that, there were also suicides everywhere. My former coworker killed herself, there were several suicides at both my daughter's school and another one in the city, and her cousin killed himself as well. It was an incredibly difficult time. It felt like walking a tightrope to talk about all of those deaths with my daughter, but obviously it had to be done. Suicide seemed like the endless topic of conversation.

>3 The_Hibernator: but I got no call
Ack! Probably the day just got away from them. I hope you don't have to keep waiting.

>6 The_Hibernator: they didn't want to upset her
It'd seem far more distressing for a child to be aware that something's going on and not understand why. Also the secret is likely to pop out awkwardly. Surely there's age-appropriate advice.

>6 The_Hibernator: talking about suicide actually introduces the idea into the heads of teenagers
In terms of risks, I'd think far less likely for an otherwise stable teenager to spiral into suicide at its mention, than for a suicidal teenager to feel that nobody could possibly understand because it's a forbidden topic.

I'm with Paul on trying not to think of what- if's. I tried hard with my husband's family to help them not blame themselves, most especially Dave's Dad. We all got together at a small hotel for a couple of days while we sorted out Bob's remaining things, and tried to support each other and we raised a glass to toast Bob and all that he had meant to us in his life. We left our sons at my parents so as not over expose them too much of what had happened, but spoke with them about what happened and how if they ever found themselves in need in any way in their lives, to always let me know . I think that is the best we can do. Big hugs.

So sorry to hear about what you and your family are going through with your cousin's death. Re not telling young members of the family - as you and others have said it seems unlikely that would work. I don't know what the media is like for reporting young deaths where you are, but certainly here there is a lot of attention given to suicide by teens. I'm not sure how children would escape an awareness that young people do take their own lives if they have access to the Web.

I hope the landscaping is going well. And that the second interview does too. I really admire you continuing to move forward - job searches can be so demoralising.

So sorry to hear about your cousin, Rachel. You work on a hotline--you know all the stuff, but when it hits in the family, it's like encountering it for the first time. Hugs!

I don't think I've said this before, but I've certainly been thinking it: You inspire me, Rachel, with all of the time you devote to volunteering and to educating others about mental illness. We need more folks like you in this country, and in the world, and you make me want to Do More. So thank you, friend.

Oh, and happy new thread, too!

>11 vancouverdeb: >15 vancouverdeb: Deb: I also agree to avoid the what-if's, but often it's hard to do - and I imagine it will be hard to do in this case for the parents. I've already heard what-if's from his mom (my actual first cousin) and her ex-husband is probably plagued with the thought that he had left his gun out. It's going to be a really hard grieving process for both of them.

Keeping your kids away from the cleaning of the apartment was probably a good idea - especially if they didn't want to come. There were two cousins of Derek's - a 13yo and a 21yo - who decided together that they were not going to the funeral. Personally, I probably would have encouraged them to come to the funeral to comfort their aunt, but in the end if that is their way of grieving it may have been best.

>12 PaulCranswick: That's easier said than done Paul! I will not be cursed with self-blame because he lived in a different state than I do and so I had no way of knowing how he was feeling. I'd like to think I'd know not to do it anyway, being familiar with the grieving process from my own work at the crisis center, but who knows? I have my own mental illness, bipolar disorder, which at times affects the way I think despite myself.

>13 ursula: I think you made the right choice to talk to your daughter, Ursula, but I understand the tightrope. I mean, how much do you want to talk about suicide? How much do you want to express compassion for the person who killed himself while still showing that it's not ok to kill oneself? I'm glad you got through that time safely.

Sorry, I'll catch up on the rest of the comments later. I need to go to work!

Morning, Rachel. I am just now catching up with you, and I am so very sorry to learn of your cousin's suicide. So sad. I think you are so right about the need for an open dialogue.

Keeping you in my thoughts and sending you hugs.

oh dear. Sorry to hear about your cousin, Rachel. Except for those in intractable physical pain, it's hard to come to terms with suicide. I'm bipolar as well (well controlled now), but even in my darkest time, suicide never entered my thoughts. I can't imagine how hopeless young people must be to act on that impulse.

As has been said above, young people need to know that suicidal thoughts are troubles they can talk about. So often, not feeling that permission exacerbates the darkness.

sending hugs.

Suicide is something I will never understand. It must be awful to feel that sad about life. I've known people of different ages who felt that way without letting their feelings out until it was too late.

Enjoy your 'grounding' job. I'm always happy to dig in the dirt!

Good news! I got the job. I finally just called him since he hadn't called me back. But I got it, and that makes me feel much better. I'll now be a dialysis tech for DaVita Dialysis.

>14 qebo: Katherine, agreed on all three points. There are a lot of copy-cat suicides in high school, which outwardly supports the don't-expose-them theory. But we don't know how many of these copy-cat suicides are teens that have not had open conversation about such things, so, really, this "evidence" is misleading.

>16 charl08: Hi Charlotte! Thanks for the encouragement about my job, as I said in >23 The_Hibernator: I finally got a job, so that part of my struggles is over. Now I have to worry about the three months of probationary (non-insurance) time. How do I get my meds for bipolar disorder?

I agree about the media. As I said to Katherine, there are unfortunately a lot of copy-cat suicides in high school - kids see how much attention their friend got from killing himself, so they try it themselves with the "everyone-will-miss-me" idea. :( If these kids had someone to talk to, I think they'd be much less likely to go through with it. Also, Derek was in a small town so I'm sure everyone in town knew that he'd killed himself before I found out.

>17 ronincats: >20 Crazymamie: Thanks Roni and Mamie! I appreciate your support.

>18 scaifea: Thanks Amber! That's really sweet of you to say!

>21 ffortsa: Hi Judy. I admit that during my darkest times I definitely considered suicide. It was never a viable option but I thought about it constantly. But I also felt free to talk about my feelings with people, which helped a lot. I understand if kids are going through the same types of dark (or manic) periods that I have and they don't know or can't talk about it, how they would kill themselves without recognizing the full consequence of what they are doing. Especially in impulsive people (and many mental illness come with intense impulsivity).

I'm glad that you've never considered suicide though. The ideation is emotionally exhausting.

>22 Donna828: Hi Donna! Yes, suicide is very difficult to understand. How can someone just not recognize the consequence of what they are doing? How can they see no hope whatsoever? Sadly, though, times like those are way too common in people. :(

>23 The_Hibernator: Congratulations!

Congratulations on the job!! When do you start?

Congratulations, Rachel!!!

Congratulations. That must be a weight off!

Thanks! I start training on the 5th of July, but I've got my two other jobs till then. Maybe I'll even keep gardening part time on my off days. I really enjoy it and the extra money too. :)

Congrats on getting the job!

Happy New Thread, Rachel! And congrats on the new job. Love those new beginnings.

Also sending positive vibes, to break out of the book funk.

Yay! Congratulations on the job!

WOOT!! Congrats on the job, Rachel!!

I think suicide is very hard to understand if you've never experienced that kind of depression. And in this society depression is hard to admit to.

Congrats on the new job, Rachel!

And how cool that you're enjoying the gardening job, too!

Way to go, Rachel! :)

Congratulations on the new job, Rachel.

Good job on getting what I hope will be a good job. Couple o' thumbs up to you, Rachel.

 

Congratulations on the new job!

Congratulations on the job!

I just read about your loss and I'm very sorry for you and the family.
It's difficult for me to get my head around suicide... there have been moments in my life when I felt like my head was running against a wall with no way out and I think we all know that feeling and most of us learn to deal with those situations, somehow. When such a young person does it, it is especially sad as you can't stop thinking if it could have been prevented, if there were any signs. I don't know about the copy-cat thing. We read Werther and Fruehlingserwachen at school at that age, both classics that at their time triggered many "romantic" suicides.
We've had a suicide (the first "successful" one I know of) in the family a couple of weeks ago. the family are trying to hush things over, which of course leads to more gossip than necessary. It's just so sad!

****
Congratulations on the new job! I hope it brings you all the fulfillment you're looking for. You've been working so hard, I'm so glad things worked out for you so well in that area. Wishing you all the best and sending lots of hugs!

Thanks Jim, Mark, Roni, Amber, Janet, Stephen, Judy, Bill, Mary, and Zoe!

>40 Deern: Thanks Nathalie! I've never understood the idea of "romantic" suicide. Romeo and Juliet, Werther, etc. Why are people attracted to them? I'm sorry about the suicide in your family. Hushing it over is never successful - as you say it leads to a lot of gossip and, of course, increases the stigma of mental illness.

Weekly Update

This week went really fast. As I said earlier, I found out on Monday that I got the job - though I'm still waiting for him to send that pesky formal offer letter. He apparently left town! I'll have to wait until Monday afternoon to talk to him about it. This seems to be standard for this particular job opportunity - everything takes several days longer than he says it will. I am SO excited that I only have 6 shifts left at the nursing home. YAY! I worked about 20 hours on my temporary gardening job this week and am still really enjoying it.

My reading slump is starting to become a little less slumpy, though I imagine my reading for this year has reached its peak and will peter off. Once I get settled into my new job, I plan on continuing to work part time at gardening, plus I have my volunteer opportunities and my friends and boyfriend to hang out with. I will be busy at least until fall. Also, I got most of my audiobook listening done at work at the nursing home, and now I will not have that job anymore. Better appreciate that perk during my last 6 shifts!

Currently Reading


Completed


Watched

Happy New Thread and congrats on the new job.

Hi Rachel, I am taking advantage of a sub-par Saturday, weatherwise, the try and get caught up with some threads. My deepest condolences on the sudden death of the cousin and the manner in which it occurred. I have no experience with this and hope I never do.

>23 The_Hibernator: - Congratulations on the new job!

Well done on getting the job, Rachel.

Glad to see your reading is less slumpy (I like that).

Have a great Sunday.

Sorry to hear about your cousin's son, Rachel. Death of any kind is hard to process but suicide adds an extra layer of emotion for the people left behind.

It really has been a time of ups and downs for you. Congrats on the new job!

I have the Bullet Catcher's daughter in the TBR pile - just based on the cover I picked it up at the library, not knowing anything about it.

Hope you have a good week.

Both of your current reads were good one for me!

Hi Rachel. As you may have read on my thread, my son's friend attempted suicide three weeks ago. Sorry to hear about your cousin. Such a hard thing to deal with. On the happier flip side, congratulations on the new job!! You go girl!!

I will add my congratulations on the new job. I'm glad your perseverance and hard work have paid off. In the meantime, keep on playing in the dirt! I wish I got paid for my gardening efforts!

Hi Rachel. Back from Father's Day in Beantown, where the weather and seafood and Italian pastries were tops, Internet courtesy of Comcast exceptionally slow. Must be a little more social here on LT.

Rachel, I am so sorry about your cousin. (((Hugs))).
I think it's especially hard when our personal and professional lives intersect; because you think that your knowledge ought to help, but it really does not.

And, on the other hand, congrats on the new job!

My sympathies about your cousin; it's very hard and very sad.

So glad that you did get the new job!

Hi Rachel, congrats on the job :)

Waving hello and wishing you a good first day at the new job!

Thanks Barbara, Lori, Paul, Meg, Charlotte, Kim, Donna, Rhonda, Lucy, Adrienne, Paul and Jenn!

>48 ronincats: I'm going through them very slowly, unfortunately, because I've been busy working and gardening. But they're good so far!

>51 weird_O: I need to be more social too, Bill!

Update

Well, I haven't updated recently because I haven't gotten any books finished. :( I'm trying to be less book slumpy, but I've just got so much going on in my life right now. I also have to get around and say hi to everyone! I'll try to get that done on Saturday during my down-time at the text center.

This is my first day at work, as Jenn remembered. :) I'm all jitters. And I can't wait to find out what my schedule will be for the next couple of weeks since I've been having so much trouble making extra-curricular plans because I don't know what my schedule will be. Hopefully it doesn't interfere with any of the plans that I have going.

I THINK I solved my insurance problem - the one where I don't have insurance during my 90 day probationary period at DaVita. I'm going to continue working part time at the nursing home for 90 days. Not what I wanted to do, but corporate hasn't yet figured out that I've gone part time, so I'm still getting my insurance through them. Only problem is that I think they may figure it out soon, because I can only work one shift every two weeks, which means the insurance will cost more than I'm making. That might send up a red flag. Hopefully they're slow to figure it out, though. Fingers crossed!

I've not been reading much lately because I've been busy with my two jobs (nursing home and landscaping - now I'll have three jobs) as well as some gardening projects. My veggie garden is going ok. The tomatoes are great, I have one pepper one one of my three pepper plants (but it's green, not red), and I have 6 carrots. Hopefully they'll start popping up soon.

On top of that, I did some work in my parent's yard, planting some hostas and mulching. I've been helping my sister landscape her back yard as well. She has two pitt bulls that have been running up and down in the yard, killing all the grass. She wants shrubs and grass planted on one side of her yard (thinking that the dogs won't ruin the grass if there are shrubs) and pea rocks on the other side of the yard (the two sides are separated by a raised cement patio). I'm not a fan of the pea rock idea - recipe for disaster I say, but I see how that seems the only option right now.

And on top of THAT, I've been working on my boyfriend's yard. His house looks like a witch's house with weeds growing everywhere, including vines over both the front and side porches. I cut down the weeds in the front (a task that yielded complements and thanks from a neighbor) with intent on planting something low maintenance there, only to discover that there are rocks in there! I HAVE to remove the rocks and dig out the garden because they look awful with all the baby tree stumps poking out of them. Also, I talked Tim into removing the three way-too-big trees from the front of his house so that they wouldn't take away all the light and/or take over the roof.

Pictures coming soon! I might run out of time right now because I've got to go to work in 10 minutes.

Since last updating you, I watched the one season of Earth 2 (a 90's show) as well as The Golden Woman. Earth 2 was good, but they seemed to run out of ideas by the end and I can see why the show was canceled. The Golden Woman was very enjoyable.

>58 The_Hibernator: I haven't gotten any books finished
You seem to have a fairly legitimate excuse. :-) Best wishes for getting through the new job jitters and the life adjustments.

Not that you need another time sink, but the Gardens & Books group would welcome you!

Rachel, I am only just catching up with your thread but so sorry to hear the news about your cousin. I am glad to hear you've got a new job and that I'm in time to wish you good luck on your first day! It sounds like you've been very busy lately.

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. The books will wait until life slows down a bit.

Good luck today with the new job! Always a nervous time. I hope the insurance thing continues to work out.

And wow - three jobs. I'm blown away!

Thanks Heather and Janet! Yeah, I certainly hope my reading will perk up once I'm not busy anymore. Hopefully it's not a use-it-or-lose-it sort of thing. Yikes!

ETA: My first day was a bit of a bust, but I got paid 3 hours for a half hour of work. Apparently Corporate had been slow in approving me for onboarding - they promised to finish up later in the day. So my new boss sent me home to play.

Mom's Garden BEFORE


Mom's Garden AFTER


Closer up of the hosta

Unfortunately the before and after pics are different sides of the house, but you get the idea. It took a lot of work. In the AFTER picture I didn't get all three hostas, but there is one on each side of the shrubberies. The hostas should be about 2 feet wide when they grow up. They're just babies right now. I was going for low maintenance so that it doesn't get out of control again.

Tim's trees that need to be cut down (There's one more off camera to the right.)


Tim's front door


Tim's front flower bed

We're cutting down the center tree this Saturday, barring anything unexpected. We'll see what happens when two people who don't know what they're doing try to fell a tree. :| Next year, I'll try to hollow out the tree stumps and plant flowers in there.

The front flower bed now looks like a rock bed with tiny tree stumps poking out. I'll remove the rocks and dig out the tree stumps as best as possible, and then plant something low maintenance. I'm guessing more hostas unless someone has another idea for a low-maintenance plant.

The "shrubbery row" of Colette's house. Here I plan on planting 5 shrubberies - 2 are yet to be determined and 3 are baby flamingo willows. Then we'll plant grass which the dogs will hopefully not dig up. We'll line the the grass/sidwalk border with that black plastic liner to keep the dirt from flowing onto the sidewalk (which you can barely see in this picture). Alternatively, Colette favors a line of bricks, which I think will be a tripping hazard and will probably be dug up by the two pitt bulls.

On the left side of the picture is the shed-side, which I'll dig up and flatten to lay some fabric and fill with landscaping rocks taken from Tim's place. We'll line that with bricks.



This is the other side of Colette's yard. She plans on getting the tree and stump removed and then we'll fill in with 4 inches of pea rock. I personally think this is a recipe for disaster, but she's tired of looking at the yard as it is, and she wants pea rock because she saw it on TV. Hopefully it'll turn out as well as she hopes.

And, finally, my veggies:


My tomato plant. I also have two others - cherry tomatoes.


My one pepper between all three plants. It's supposed to be red.


One of my 5 carrots. I had 6 of them yesterday, but one of them mysteriously disappeared overnight. :(

And here are some forth of July photos:



My boyfriend helping nephew with his shoe. Isn't that sweet?



My other nephew with a sparkler.

Aw - very cute picture of putting on the shoe.

Three jobs - wow. Hope your insurance cover continues.

It's really good to see a pepper growing on a plant. Mine have got to the flower stage and just seem to have stopped... on the plus side nothing seems to eat then (unlike the cabbages).

I hope so too Charlotte. I'm proud of my pepper, but I might try something more successful next year. Like Rhubarb. That nice and hearty.

Well there's a severe thunderstorm and the power is out. I'm holed up at home with only my phone for entertainment. I'll surf some threads.

Hi Rachel! Looks like you had a nice 4th! Hooray for fresh veggies & hostas! Boo to book slumpies!

Grat vegies and wow, you've been doing more work in three yards than the major project I'm doing in my front yard! On top of three jobs, too. Hope the insurance thing works out.

>63 The_Hibernator: Good start - nice when the foul ups are on their end, and you get a bonus day. :) Crazy lot of yard work you've been doing. Are you sore? Lol

>71 msf59: hi Mark! The book slump is bumming me out, but at least I'm getting a lot of other stuff done.

>72 ronincats: Yeah, but your yard looks a lot better than any of my projects will at the end. I'm trying to start "small."

>73 nittnut: I have been sore on and off. It's possible I'm a little hypomanic with all the energy I have. Hopefully I'll get some work done before I crash, if that's the case. People with bipolar tend to start too many projects at once and then crash into depression and leave them all half-finished. :(

Well hard start to the day. Still no electricity, all the carrots are missing this morning, and I haven't seen my cat in two days. :( At least I know what to expect for my second day of work.

Yard work is the worst kind of work ever! Primarily because it takes place outside. *Shudders*

Yards are looking much improved, though. Great job! :)

The electric company's estimate is " some customers will take many days." That usually means us. Maybe I'll head to the coffee shop and bring my computer.

>75 Ape: thanks Stephen! Though I only have "after" photos for one yard so far.

Right, in my mind Collette's yard was your boyfriends yard de-shrubbified.

Wow you have been really busy! I have to go and find out what pea rock is!

Seeing any daylight in the book slump? Fingers crossed.

>74 The_Hibernator: Ugh, not a good start. Hope things are looking up a little, especially that your cat turns up.

>78 sibylline: Hi Lucy. As far as I can figure out pea rock / pea gravel is small rocks about the size of peas. :)

>79 msf59: Hi Mark. Well, I decided I'm going to have to purposely schedule time to read instead of just naturally picking up books like I used to. Hopefully after a time of that the slump will be gone. :)

>80 ursula: Hi Ursula. Yeah, my cat never did show up. I think she may not be alive anymore. She had been throwing up some pretty disturbing stuff a few days earlier. I decided to take her into the vet if it continued, but then it stopped and she just hid in the closet for a while. I'm thinking now she might have eaten something poison (like a bad mouse - I don't mean that someone intentionally poisoned her) and then went outside to find a place to curl up. With any luck, though, she's trapped in someone's garage and she'll be out whenever they discover her. Fingers crossed! :(

I'll miss Othello. :(

Discussion Question (beware the political content if that bothers you)

I hope I don't offend any of my fantastic LT friends, but I have a question and I'm wondering what other intelligent people think about it.

In case you didn't hear about it (I'm not sure that's possible, but perhaps in other countries it's not in the media as much?), there was a recent police shooting of a black man (Castile) here in MN - most likely the incident that encouraged the snipers that killed 5 police and injured 6 more during the Black Lives Matter protest in Dallas. The girlfriend of Castile videoed the aftermath of Castile's shooting, and livestreamed it on Facebook.

My comment was: shame on Castile's gf for posting gruesome videos of his death on FB. Really? Your bf is dying in front of your kid, and you're taking video? What are you teaching that kid?

The comment immediately pissed off one of my acquaintances, Rashad, who answered:

"No, Rachel! Absolutely not! You don't dare chastise her for making sure his murder didn't go undocumented! There needed to be a record of what happened, before the spin doctors and liars got to the story and made her out to be hysterical. She did exactly what she should have done! She acted with intelligence, poise, and more bravery than most would have been able to muster in that horrifying moment. Shame on you for not seeing that.

If you're so concerned about what that kid was being taught, in that moment, why not say "Shame on that FHPD officer for firing bullets into a model citizen!"? Why not say shame on America for producing officers that instinctively fear black men? "

After getting this response from Rashad, I feel a little bad about how I phrased my comment, but I stand by the idea that in MY values, it's more important to be mentally there with your child, rather than posting pictures of the child's horrified face on FB.

Am I not liberal-minded enough for today's social media craze and the problems being presented? Do I need to rethink this issue?

Sorry, Rachel, I'm with Rashad on this. She was not recording to sensationalize or titillate or get Facebook hits, she was recording evidence that would otherwise have been lost forever and making sure it could not be confiscated or altered by the authorities. I'm sure she was there for her child afterward, as well as teaching that black lives do matter and that the black community needs to be proactive in protecting themselves as part of their own self-worth and survival.

I don't think Castile's fiance knew he was dying when she started videoing. She also had a gun pointing at her. If she had leapt up to go to the backseat to be with her child, she likely would also have been shot.

I've heard the fiancé say some very disturbing things.

First, that when other officers arrived, none of them went to Castile to see if he was breathing or to try to help him. Instead they took the shooter officer aside and comforted him.

Next, they took the fiancé and her daughter to the police station where the two of them were separated for hours. The fiancé was given neither water, comfort, the option of calling anyone, nor food during this time and she was very disturbed about her daughter's whereabouts. She was treated like a suspect.

Where's the humanity?

The Dallas police shootings are absolutely horrible, but none of the families of the slain officers were within inches of their loved ones when the killings occurred, nor did they have to sit in isolation at a police station with their kids taken away from them.

>83 The_Hibernator: I'm with Rashad on this too. She had a brief moment in a frightening situation to begin documenting the evidence. The way to do that is to temporarily turn off competing emotions.

>83 The_Hibernator: You bring up an interesting question, Rachel. I don't know. Part of me wants to agree with you and the other part with Diamond. I don't know the answer; to this question or the larger one.

>83 The_Hibernator: Rachel, tough question about a terrible situation. My personal take is that the girlfriend did nothing wrong in taking the video and from a societal standpoint made an important record of what truly happened. That said, I have a very difficult time relating to her reaction. I could not have sat there and watched some one I loved bleed to death without trying to help that person much less been able to film it.

I don't know how I would react in such an awful situation and pray that I never have to find out how I would react. So, on balance, I would say that the fiance should not be criticized for how she chose to react but I find it off-putting.

I absolutely think both shootings were horrendous, and completely unacceptable, but I also found the wife's attitude kind of...well, odd. Maybe she is a better person than I am, but I don't think if someone I loved was bleeding out beside me that my first instinct would be to start filming it, and he speech patterns are incredibly forced, so she was definitely trying to sensationalize it.

With that said, the video (now) is very important, as it incriminates the cop. Not that it'll matter. Didn't he earn a paid vacation as a reward, or was that the other one?

I just want to add a little something to my last message. I am not concerned about the race aspect of all these shootings. I acknowledge that there is a racial element, but the problem with involving race in the discussion is it creates a divide between two groups of people that should be united against the greater issue, which is that cops seem to be "allowed" to murder people without repercussion. I don't care what race the cop/victims are, the fact that there are so many documented murders perpetrated by cops with no punishment.

I think what happened in Dallas last night is absolutely obscene, and the people who carried out those shootings should absolutely be imprisoned for murder. The issue is, I also feel the same way about the two cops who killed innocent civilians the day before. The fact that cops have some sort of murder-immunity is appalling.

Hmmm. Well, there certainly does seem to be a consensus about this. :) After reading your thoughtful responses (as well as Rashad's) I answered Rashad that perhaps he was right - I would like to think that I would be comforting my child as best I could, but that doesn't make it wrong that she decided to video it. It's just a different value system which is due to vastly different socioeconomic situations - specifically, I've never been "guilty of being black." It would never occur to me to record something like that.

That said, I don't know whether I agree with >89 Ape: or not because I haven't actually seen the video: only the pictures in the newspaper and on FB, which is more than I wanted to see. She may have been sensationalizing - I can't say. But how do you sensationalize something like that, anyway? I mean, isn't it dramatic and shocking enough? Does it need sensationalizing?

91: It's difficult to formulate words for my emotional response to the video, and I'm the last person who should criticize the way a person speaks, but my issue with it was she was saying "I hope he's not dead" and "What have you done?" but it felt forced, like she was trying to be more dramatic for the camera. I guess my issue is that, while I'm sure her emotions were real, what she was saying felt unnatural.

>92 Ape: I believe you. :) But still not going to watch the video. Too disturbing.

I saw it on TV where everything was blurred out except the woman. I didn't even know there was a kid in the back of the car.

You mean on a TV? *gasp!* Who watches news on THOSE anymore? It's like those weird pieces of paper with newsy stuff printed all over them that appear on dad's doorstep each morning. Dinosaur Stephen!

I still have slow internet. :(

>83 The_Hibernator: I see you've already gotten some excellent responses and reconsidered. Castile's girlfriend didn't have a whole lot of options for providing comfort to either Castile or her daughter. She was told not to move (just like her boyfriend who was lying there bleeding), so I can imagine she was not too keen on disobeying the officers' commands.

And as for her calm - again in the circumstances, she had to regulate her voice and demeanor to be as matter-of-fact as possible. If she got hysterical or loud, she might have ended up dead too. Or at least arrested in a more violent manner. Of course she sounds forced - try to imagine being calm while saying "You shot four bullets into him, sir."

>97 ursula: Yeah, we think we understand what someone would sound like in a situation like that because we watch too many movies and judge acting based on whether they sound forced. But who knows what factors contribute to someone's tone of voice in a situation like that?

You don't need to judge acting based on movies. There is an endless supply of real human suffering right here on the internet! *High fives*

...

>99 Ape: which you can't watch because of your dial-up

>90 Ape: I acknowledge that there is a racial element, but the problem with involving race in the discussion is it creates a divide between two groups of people that should be united against the greater issue, which is that cops seem to be "allowed" to murder people without repercussion.

I completely disagree with this. The greater issue is not that cops murder people without repercussion. Proportionally, cops don't murder white people nearly as often as they murder black people. I don't remember hearing about cops murdering white people for selling cigarettes, or for selling CDs, or for literally no reason at all.

The greater issue is that the whole law enforcement system consistently treats black people significantly worse than other people, from excessive stops for minor traffic violations (or just because), to disproportionate sentences, all the way up to murder.

There is no reason that white people and black people can't be united against the horrible treatment of black people. An injustice doesn't have to affect you personally for it to be wrong and worth fighting against.

Rachel: So you see, I'm well-acquainted with human suffering. :)

It generally helps for something to affect me personalize, but that's mostly because I lack empathy for humanity in general.

>101 _Zoe_: I agree that black people are definitely treated worse than white people by the police, and are far more likely to be shot. This is not due to self-acknowledged racism, I think, but more to unconscious profiling. This is why the problem is so difficult to deal with. People don't realize that they're inwardly racist. Like this Officer Yanez who shot Castile. He says that it had nothing to do with race - most likely because he didn't realize it did. But would he have been so spooked if it had been a white guy?

>103 The_Hibernator: Right. That makes it much more difficult to deal with, but no less important.

Very interesting discussion Rachel and I am not sure whether I can contribute meaningfully or not.

There are obviously not different grades or classes of lives. The death of a person, black, white or green has equal significance and no more than the police officers gunned down because they were white police officers.

I agree with you on the "unconscious profiling" comment and that will take a lot of changing. To a Brit who grew up in a country where its police officers do not carry firearms I do feel that law enforcement is far too trigger-happy in the USA.

As to your original question - I don't think I can judge the lady as I cannot conceive of how I would react under similar circumstances. I am sure that I would not have the presence of mind to record the incident but that doesn't naturally signify a calculating coldness on her part as I guess individuals react differently. My initial thoughts would be like yours: "how could she?" I think to record it for evidence is laudable but streaming it on facebook - well I am not sure that I quite agree with that.

Have a lovely weekend, Rachel.

Happy weekend, Rachel.

>104 _Zoe_: Agreed!

>105 PaulCranswick: I think it was the fact that it was live-streamed on Facebook that really turned me off. But, then, how otherwise make sure people saw it before her phone was confiscated as "evidence" or something of that sort?

>106 Ameise1: Thanks Barbara!

Update

Well, my first couple of weeks of work went well. I'm not allowed to set a patient up to a dialysis machine yet, but I learned the first step - which is "stringing the machines" (i.e. putting all the tubes in the dialysis machine properly). This will be a high stress job, but I think it will be fulfilling as well. Plus, it pays $3000 per year of school, and gives scholarships for more money as well. And there's room in the company to climb. Things are finally starting to fall back into place for me. :)

Unfortunately, Othello never returned. :( I can still hope she'll come back, but I'm sure something happened to her to keep her away so long. It's been two weeks. :(

My reading slump is finally dissipating. I finished a book last week, and - despite being incredibly busy - made a little dent in the Lockwood & Co book. I'm trying to set aside a little bit of time every day for reading. And also set aside a little bit of time every day for exercising (during which I can listen to my audiobook).

I just had a lovely book club with Morphy. For those of you who have been worried about her, she's doing well. We've chosen Red Queen as our next book club choice.

Books Completed


Currently Reading

Glad to hear the good updates about the new job and about Morphy! I'm sorry about Othello though :(

Rachel--Just catching up here. Your gardening efforts are many and they look wonderful! Your boyfriend and your nephews are all super cute. Congrats on the new job and good luck on the insurance piece. I am jealous that you got to see Morphy, but glad to hear she is doing well. Happy weekend!!

I note Severed as one of your top reads in 2015. I must get a copy of this one.

Happy Weekend. May it be filled with lots of wonderful books.

Have a great weekend, Rachel

Thanks Kimberly, Linda, and Paul.

So. Yeah. I downloaded Pokemon GO finally. There's apparently not many Pokemon for miles around the nursing home I work at. I bet this game is a huge drain on data, so I won't be playing much of it.

Happy Sunday, Rachel! Hooray for Book Club! Hooray for End of Book Slump!

Bullet Catcher's Daughter sounds interesting. Cool cover.

Glad to hear the start of your new job went well. I'm usually comatose at the end of the day after starting a new job, reading is impressive.

I've still got my fingers crossed for your cat: they do sometimes just turn up, don't they...

I'm glad your new job is going smoothly.

It's amazing the hole in one's heart a missing cat can leave. (((((Hugs)))))

>108 The_Hibernator: Things to learn and room to grow are good features in a job. I'm sorry about Othello; what a worry, not knowing. Thanks for the Morphy report.

Sorry to hear about Othello. My mom actually has a cat that disappears weeks at a time, but she has also had cats that disappeared and never returned. The worst part, of course, is not knowing. *Hugs*

Hope your job is keeping you busy but, more importantly, happy.

Have a lovely weekend, Rachel.

Thanks everyone who wished me happiness at my new job and condolences about Othello.

Update

Well, I wasn't going to update you for a while because I haven't finished a book yet. I'm reading, but I'm also doing lots of other things, so it doesn't seem like I'm making much progress. But at least I'm not slumping anymore. I AM reading when I have the chance.

The new job is going well. It can be high stress having people's lives depend on my ability to do things right at 4:00am, but I'm getting used to it. The other two jobs are going well, too. This week I worked 3 days at the dialysis job, 2 days at the landscaping job, and 2 days at the nursing home job. I enjoy the landscaping, but I can't wait until my time is up at the nursing home. My last shift will be the 24th of September because my benefits at the dialysis company kick in shortly after that, and then I won't need the benefits at the nursing home. Phew!

The reason for the update is this: I got two new kittens. I'm pretty sure Othello disappeared because she died - given that she was sick when she disappeared. And I figure now that she died of a rare disease called feline Tularemia which is going around MN right now. It's a bacterial disease that cats, dogs, and humans can catch from eating infected rabbits. The reason I think she died for Tularemia is that internal bleeding / vomiting is one of the symptoms and Othello was vomiting blood. (Spoilered for people who are squeamish.)

I didn't want Myra to get used to being alone. I figure there's a good chance that some day I will move in with Tim and his bunnies, and I want her to have friends to move with. That will make the transition easier. And they had to be kittens because she gets scared easy, so I wanted something non-threatening. And there had to be two because kittens need to socialize. So I picked these up for free from a local farm. Pictures are from Craigslist advert because it's turning out to be hard to get quality pictures of animals that won't stand still.





The grey one is Puck and the black one is Hero. Puck is a lot more spunky and very, very affectionate. Hero is a little more stand-offish. She mostly follows Puck around. Puck is clearly the dominant one - pushing Hero out of the way when he wants to eat. They're both incredibly tiny - I'm guessing 4 weeks old at most. They are smaller than they look in the pictures. They're also pretty thin.

On top of all that, I took my nephew to see the mummy special exhibit at the Science Museum of MN. That was a lot of fun. Interesting exhibit!

They are so cute. Happy weekend, Rachel.

They are cuties. Puck is a great name too!

Have a wonderful weekend, Rachel.

CUUUUUTE!! *Face smooshes monitor*

Happy Sunday, Rachel! Thanks for the update. We have missed you. And hooray for new kittens. I love the names.

>120 The_Hibernator: Kittens!!! So many reasons to get two. :-)

Congrats on the growing family!!

Congrats on the new kittens, Rachel! I just got one too, although not on purpose. Give Hero a special hug from me. Puck knows how to get them on his own. ;-)

Thanks all for the kitty congrats! They're doing really well. They've grown noticeably from when I got them - I thought they were about a month old, but I now think they were a malnourished 6 weeks. My only problem is to figure out how to deflea them when all the deflea product says 8 weeks and older. I have some Frontline, but am afraid of using it for another couple of weeks.

Thought I'd pop by my thread and say that tonight I'm going to a talk/book signing of From Prison to PhD: A Memoir of Hope, Resilience, and Second Chances.

Hi Everyone! I'm going to walk in Out of the Darkness which raises money for suicide prevention. If anyone would like to walk with me, let me know! If you would like to donate, you can go to here. :)

The kittens are so beautiful!

Hi Rachel, I'm sorry I haven't been by in a while. I seem to have missed a lot of news, both bad and good, so congratulations and commiserations. Cute kittens. I like their names - what are the origins of those?

Hi Rachel. Just getting caught up around here. Lots going on! I am glad your new job is going well. I am so sorry about your kitty. It's the worst when you just don't know what happened. Sorry.

Adorable new kittens. :) You will fatten them right up, I'm sure.

Kittens are so, so cute, and I love the Shakespeare names!

And, also, good luck on the walk and thanks for doing this!

>130 _Zoe_: Thanks Zoe! They are pretty adorable...though Hero is hard to take a picture of because she's black. Example:



>131 humouress: Hi humouress! When I lived in Columbus I had a habit of rescuing cats off the streets. I gave them Shakespeare names. My cat that just disappeared was Othello. My other cat, Myra, predated the Shakespeare naming spree. Anyway, I thought I'd continue the tradition. Hero is a character from Much Ado About Nothing. Puck, of course, is a character from Midsummer Night's Dream.

>132 nittnut: Hi Jenn! Yeah, the kittens are growing super fast. I guess kittens do...but it's still surprising to watch.

>134 banjo123: >135 The_Hibernator: Thanks Rhonda! I love the Shakespeare names too. :) Although Hero wasn't my favorite of Shakespeare's heroines, I really like the name. And thanks for your support! Suicide prevention is really important to me so I'm happy to have the opportunity to do this walk. Even though I'm a little confused about the distance of the walk - they just say it's two hours. lol

Another great kitten picture, Rachel!!

Aw, kittens! But yeah, taking pictures of black pets (especially along with another lighter one) is tough! I had a marmalade and white one and a tuxedo and it was essentially impossible to get a good photo of both of them together.

>133 banjo123: >135 The_Hibernator: Shakespeare; of course! I was thinking of hero as a noun. I vaguely recall Hero now; despite her name she was a bit wishy-washy, right?

ETA: Shakespeare's Hero - not yours ;0)

>135 The_Hibernator: Gorgeous picture Rachel. Hope you're having a good weekend.

Your kittens are just darling! I love your choice of names too!

Happy Sunday, Rachel! the kittens are adorable. Hope all is well. How are those books treating you?

Kittens! Kitten antics are so entertaining! I love the Shakespeare themed names, too. Not to mention you should have a huge number of names to choose from - which bodes well for more cats in the future.

Hope you are having a good weekend!

>135 The_Hibernator: hard to take a picture
Hah, yes, the second cat registers as background. I like the Shakespeare theme.

Congratulations on your new additions. They are lovely!
>135 The_Hibernator: What wide eyed wonders!

>135 The_Hibernator: Lovely photo - Puck is very photogenic.

So cute!

Very cute!

All caught up with you, Rachel. You have been VERY busy! I'm so sorry about Othello - what a gorgeous cat. And Your new kitties are so cute - I love the names you chose for them.

Sorry about Othello, Rachel. The two new kittens are cuties. The new job sounds challenging but will also be rewarding I'm sure. I'll be driving through your area in a few days on our way to Marquette, MI, for a family reunion. I will have to wave (again) this time as we are not able to stop for a meetup. One of these days...

Is there a Horatio? I felt really bad for that Cat. :-P

Kittens! Love the photographs. You are so busy - no wonder there is little time to read!

>136 ronincats: >139 charl08: >140 vancouverdeb: >144 Whisper1: >145 PaulCranswick: >146 norabelle414: >147 kidzdoc: >148 Crazymamie: >151 sibylline: Thanks Roni, Charlotte, Deborah, Linda, Paul, Nora, Darryl, Mamie, and Lucy

>137 ursula: Hi Ursula! Yeah, I have a fully black cat that I almost never get a good picture of. This is my favorite from 6 years of owning her:



>138 humouress: Yeah, Hero was definitely a wishy-washy character. She's the one who fainted and then feigned death after her wedding was ruined by a nasty bad-guy. But I still really like the name. :)

>141 msf59: Hi Mark! As you probably guessed by the fact that I still haven't updated my reading status I haven't finished a book yet. But part of that problem is that I'm close to finishing several books. :) I just have to actually sit down and do it! I'm hoping I'll finish Red Queen tomorrow. It's been a really good book so far, even if it is another teen dystopia with girl main character. (I tend to prefer the boy main characters in teen and middle-school books because it cuts out the sappy and often irritating romance.)

>142 streamsong: Thanks Janet! I hope I don't ever own as many cats as there are Shakespeare names. lol. Three at a time is good enough for me right now. Especially since my boyfriend (who I don't live with at this time, but may in the future) owns two bunnies. Bunnies don't live as long as cats, but they live long enough!

>143 qebo: Speaking of background, I point out the picture above :)

>149 Donna828: Awww, skipping out on a meet-up? But I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. I wish I had the time and money to travel more, then I'd go on lots of meetups. :)

>150 brodiew2: Lol Brodie. No, I haven't named any of them Horatio. Hadn't occurred to me. But now that you say it....