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Love and Respect in the Family: The Respect Parents Desire; The Love Children Need

by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

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1583171,288 (3.83)None
Children need love.  Parents need respect.  It is as simple and complex as that! When frustrated with an unresponsive child, a parent doesn't declare, "You don't love me." Instead the parent asserts, "You are being disrespectful right now." A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts. When upset a child does not whine, "You don't respect me." Instead, a child pouts, "You don't love me." A child needs to feel loved, especially during disputes.  But here's the rub: An unloved child (or teen) negatively reacts in a way that feels disrespectful to a parent. A disrespected parent negatively reacts in a way that feels unloving to the child.  This dynamic gives birth to the FAMILY CRAZY CYCLE.  So how is one to break out of this cycle? Best-selling author Emerson Eggerichs has studied the family dynamic for more than 30 years, having his Ph.D. in Child and Family Ecology. As a senior pastor for nearly two decades, Eggerichs builds on a foundation of strong biblical principles, walking the reader through an entirely new way to approach the family dynamic. For instance, God reveals ways to defuse the craziness with our children from preschooler to teen, plus how to motivate them to obey and how to deal with them when they don't. In the Bible, God has spoken specifically to parents on how to parent. This book is about that revelation.… (more)
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Love and Respect Ministries says this about Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ Love & Respect in the Family: “Psychological studies affirm what the Bible has always said: children need the love that God tells us to give them (Titus 2:4). And parents desire the respect that Scripture plainly says is our due (Exodus 20:12). This book gives practical guidance to help break the Crazy Cycle of family conflict and replace it with a healthy, energizing rhythm. Based on what the Bible says to parents on parenting, this book focuses on achieving healthy family dynamics.”

I highly recommend this book! While I acknowledge my own personal bias I believe this book could be an excellent tool for families of all ages and stages; I see the value of Dr. Eggerichs' analysis and recommendations as much in my relationship with my own often-headstrong preteen daughter as I do with my grandma and her children and grandchildren.

I can honestly say about this book the best thing, in my opinion, anyone can say about any book: it changed me for the better. While Dr. Eggerichs isn’t always 100% spot on (the constant clips of Bible verses sometimes feel stretched) I believe readers who open their minds and hearts to his message will be able to better reflect God’s love and plan in their families. If you find you don’t need this book at all—even for encouragement—I’d love to read your book on families. ( )
  jimfields3 | May 3, 2022 |
I am a huge fan of the Love and Respect books written by Eggerichs, so when I heard about this one I was so excited that it was up for review. As a Pastor's wife I am always looking for new resources that I will be able to share with members of the church. I got this book on a Monday and had a member of our church approach me that Wednesday night and ask if I had any resources to recommend for them - they had a child that they were having some trouble with.

Well - I handed her this book. In two days time I had sat down and devoured the easy to read book and filled up a notebook of applicable stuff for my family that includes 6 children from the ages of 4 months to 13 years old. As always this author does an excellent job of writing in a way that is easy to read and even enjoyable. Much nicer was the fact the book is filled from front to back with things that are easy to put into practice with any family situation.

The basic thought is that there is a mutual need for respect and love. A child needs to feel loved and a parent desires to feel that the child respects them. The challenge lies in the fact that we, as parents, often feel as if we are not being respected and in turn act out of this feeling of being disrespected. This creates a family cycle of the child feeling unloved and the parent feeling disrespected and both acting out in negative ways because of their feelings. I had to re-evaluate some things in my own life and ask myself - "Is my child being deliberately disrespectful or is my child acting out in a childish way that causes me to feel disrespected?". One such instance is that my loveseat is located on the wall outside of my middle son's bedroom. Every time he goes to his room he runs through the room and catapults off the couch into his bedroom door - EVERY TIME! So, at least 3 times a day I say "DO NOT use the couch that way!". By the end of the day I am ready to scream because I feel that he is deliberately being disrespectful. After reading this book I looked at that differently and thought I would do an experiment. So - he took of running and jumped on one cushion catapulting himself over the arm rest into his door. Calming I walked in there and put my hand on his shoulder "Son, why do you jump on the couch that way when you know it upsets me?" - Surprised that he was not in trouble he sheepishly said, "I don't mean to, it's just so much fun....I try to remember not to". Ahhhh....so he was not trying to drive my blood pressure up - it was just the boy in him.

I would certainly recommend this book to all parents. I am sure we could all glean something from this well-written parenting book. Especially if you enjoyed the other books by this author.

Thanks to the publisher for this review copy. ( )
  abbieriddle | Mar 1, 2022 |
The application of the love & respect paradigm to the parent and child relationship.

While it is helpful to already be familiar with the Love & Respect concept, Emerson does well at applying the same type of paradigm to parents and children. The crazy, energizing, and rewarded cycle remain; the same fundamental issues are present.

In this paradigm, whereas girls/women still primarily yearn for love and boys/men still primarily yearn for respect, children in general yearn for love and parents in general yearn for respect. And so the crazy cycle features a child's lack of feeling loved fuels disrespectful behavior which fuels parents feeling disrespected and responding in unloving ways; the energizing cycle features a parent's love motivating a child's respect; the rewarded cycle involves a parent showing love despite a child's respect.

As is appropriate, the responsibility is placed upon the parents to catalyze the energizing and rewarded cycle. Emerson encourages them to stop and think about what is motivating disrespectful behavior before responding and reacting. The energizing cycle is defined by GUIDES: giving, understanding, instructing, disciplining, encouraging, and supplicating. Emerson provides recommendations for each element and how they work together to empower effective parenting.

Yet, in the end, as Emerson points out, we do not have the consistency nor the strength to be perfect parents. He encourages dependence on God and His strength (but not as an excuse for inactivity). He has a long discussion about the difference between the process and the result/outcome, and offers wisdom regarding how one is to understand children as free will moral agents and thus not always and entirely reflections on their raising. I would quibble only a little with his suppression of Proverbs 22:6; while it is true that a too facile an understanding and application of the passage has caused good people unnecessary grief, the principle does remain true. I have yet to meet anyone who has not been profoundly shaped by how they were raised and still maintain continuity in many of the emphases and shared bonding experiences of childhood, even if those aren't the most important ones the parents wanted to impart to their children.

A truly great parenting resource. Worthy of consideration. ( )
  deusvitae | Jul 14, 2016 |
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Children need love.  Parents need respect.  It is as simple and complex as that! When frustrated with an unresponsive child, a parent doesn't declare, "You don't love me." Instead the parent asserts, "You are being disrespectful right now." A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts. When upset a child does not whine, "You don't respect me." Instead, a child pouts, "You don't love me." A child needs to feel loved, especially during disputes.  But here's the rub: An unloved child (or teen) negatively reacts in a way that feels disrespectful to a parent. A disrespected parent negatively reacts in a way that feels unloving to the child.  This dynamic gives birth to the FAMILY CRAZY CYCLE.  So how is one to break out of this cycle? Best-selling author Emerson Eggerichs has studied the family dynamic for more than 30 years, having his Ph.D. in Child and Family Ecology. As a senior pastor for nearly two decades, Eggerichs builds on a foundation of strong biblical principles, walking the reader through an entirely new way to approach the family dynamic. For instance, God reveals ways to defuse the craziness with our children from preschooler to teen, plus how to motivate them to obey and how to deal with them when they don't. In the Bible, God has spoken specifically to parents on how to parent. This book is about that revelation.

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