Best for:
People looking for a better, more empathetic, more effective way to communicate.

In a nutshell:
Rosenberg offers guidance for ways to be more effective in communicating and finding common ground.

Worth quoting:
“Most of the time when we use [the word should] with ourselves, we resist learning, because should implies that there is no choice.”

“…emotional liberation entails more than simply asserting our own needs.”

Why I chose it:
My partner read it and wanted me to take a look a well.

Review:
With this book, Rosenberg provides what I find to be a helpful communications structure for more empathetic and constructive engagement. I think it is at times way too stiff, and a bit naive, but I also can see a lot of value in it.

The main component of NVC (nonviolent communication) is a four-part process of communicating:
1 - Observe (but do not judge)
2 - Associate feelings with the observation (and actual feelings, not ‘I feel that you are being a jerk’)
3 - Identify what needs we have that are associated with those feelings
4 - Request what we want from the other person.

The book spends a chapter on each of those components, then looks at how to receive that type of communication, how to communicate that way with ourselves, and also how to provide more effective affirmations. I took quite a few notes, and I can definitely see how this all could work in real life.

Rosenberg shares many sample conversations and examples of its success in seemingly fraught situations (including discussions between Israelis and Palestinians), but some of the language feels like something out of a text book, not like how people really talk. Especially his approach of asking people to repeatedly reflect back what they have heard. I know that’s an ‘active listening’ approach as well, but I could see attempts to guess at what is beneath the language getting a bit annoying.

I do have some issues with the approach. For example, the discussion around anger. He sees anger as useful, but only insofar as identifying what needs of ours are not being met. Which is fine, but he doesn’t go further into what to do if we identify the need, the need is reasonable, and the person who can meet that need refuses. Think racism, misogyny, transphobia, etc. I get that there might be a point where communication just isn’t going to meet the need, but Rosenberg doesn’t seem to acknowledge that possibility.

He also sees no value in applying moralistic judgments (which he separates from value judgments, which for him are fine), and asks us to reframe such judgments into the person not acting in harmony with our needs. Again, I kind of get it - if the goal is to get the needs met, why not try what might work - but also, I do have moralistic judgments about some folks and their actions, and I think that’s reasonable because there are some actions that society should not accept or accommodate.

And as empathy is such a big part of this, he’s essentially asking the oppressed to empathize with their oppressors to the end of getting needs met, and I’m not sure that’s reasonable to ask of oppressed people. He is clear that ‘the process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately.’ Which, for some actions, I’d argue that change needs to happen regardless of whether the actor is doing it willingly.

That’s a lot of caveats, I realize, but I do overall like this approach and am looking at incorporating it into the ways I communicate with others (including my partner).

Recommend to a Friend / Keep / Donate it / Toss it:
Keep ( )

I've listened to the audio version of this book. Key concepts of the NVC are the following:

Observe people, facts and data, don't evaluate or judge
Don't use the word "feel" to mask actual feeling (e.g. I feel that he is wrong)
Try to understand the actual needs of yourself and others causing the feelings
Make requests not demands and understand the specific need which you want to be met by it.

I believe that these are great concepts and could help communicate and understand others better. However, some of the examples of situations are either very outdated or from the very different (cultural?) environment as I never had a chance to experience them. Additionally, I believe you might not be understood well in everyday situations using the way to communicate as the author suggests as it sounds like something coming from the psychology session. ( )

Summary: A book that reframes communication and provides an approachable framework for both receiving and sending messages to others.

Things I liked:

* The general philosophy is the thing to grab from this book along with the grammar of observations, needs, emotions and requests.

Things that could have been improved:

It's a while since I read it but from memory, it's a bit 70s hokey at the start with some fairly mushy touchy-feely stuff. I remember reading a review that recommended pushing through this stuff for better material in the middle/end and I'm glad that I did.

Highlight: Differentiation of needs vs strategies. ( )

The book started off quite strong. I really enjoyed the first few chapters with the exercises and all.
However, the last like half of the book didn't feel that useful/meaningful. It was mostly expansions and a few more examples of earlier topics. That being said, I did enjoy this book and recommend reading the first few chapters for some great strategies for getting in touch with others.

Here are my notes from the book:
Ch1
A light intro to the framework of sharing what you: saw, felt, need, request. The idea is to share and receive openly.

Ch2
When we judge others in terms of rightness or wrongness they get defensive. Comparing yourself to others blocks compassion. Denial of responsibility ("I have to", "it's policy") leads to self alienation.

Ch3
It can be very difficult to observe people without evaluating them. Try splitting up the observation and evaluation when talking about it.
There is some funny poetry here.

Ch4
Expressing feelings in the English language is way trickier than I expected. We often express other things like wants, observations, judgements, and more in their place.

Ch5
We should take responsibility for our feelings. Recognize the others maybe the stimulus but we ultimately cause our own feelings.

Ch6
Express what you want, not what you don't want. Use concrete actions to express what you want instead of vague or abstract ideas. When in a group you need to be clear about what response your expecting.

In India when people have received the response they want in conversations they initiated they say "bas" (pronounced "bus"). It means you need not say more I feel satisfied and ready to move on.

Ch7
Nearly all those who think they have the capacity [of empathy] do not possess it. instead of offering empathy we tend instead to give advice or reassurance and explain our own position or feelings.

Ch8
This chapter is a bunch of examples of how to use empathy.
"instead of being engaged in an exchange of life energy with other human beings, we see ourselves becoming waste baskets for their words"
Bring a conversation back to life by interrupting with empathy. Ex: "I hear you're feeling a lot of pain about this..." is often what people need to hear. Then the subject can change more naturally once they feel heard.

Ch9
Using NVC to care for yourself.

Ch10
Some examples of how to express anger.

Ch11
When you make the connection, the problem usually solves itself.
Describes how to use NVC for conflict mediation.

Ch12
This chapter said it's bad to use punishment because if you want people to do something because they under and not because they're scared then that won't happen. The example in the end about the do-nothing room where students can go voluntarily if they want was great.

Ch13
NBC helps us translate negative internal messages into feelings and needs.

Ch14
Express appreciation to celebrate, not to manipulate.
This says we should avoid false humility but doesn't explain how.
"what appreciation might someone give you that would leave you jumping for joy?" Seems a good question.
The chapter talks about appreciating the good things people do rather than just picking on them when they mess up. This is something scrum seems to help with.
We can use NVC when giving compliments by saying what they did what we felt and what needed fulfilled. ( )

Ostensibly, this is a book about how to communicate effectively when resolving conflicts between people. Actually, it's about so much more than that. It's about how to use empathy to understand yourself and others. Once you have that empathy, a lot of conflicts will resolve themselves. Just reading the book gave me a lot of insight into some of my own emotions and inner conflicts, and I know it will be useful in handling some conflicts in my own life. The tools and methods in the book require a lot of practice/experience to use effectively - I will probably revisit this book often. Fortunately, it is well-organized and all the major points are in big print and summarized at the end of chapters, so the book is easy to skim for a refresher. ( )