Pontius Pilate: Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus...Dickus'?

Wise Man #1: We are three wise men.

Brian's mother: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.

Brian's mother: What star sign is he?

Wise Man #2: Capricorn.

Brian's mother: Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

Wise Man #2: He is the son of God, our Messiah.

Wise Man #1: King of the Jews.

Brian's mother: And that's Capricorn, is it?

Follower: Excuse me, are you a virgin?

Brian's mother: I beg your pardon?

Follower: Well, if it's not a personal question - are you a virgin?

Brian's mother: If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!

Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch!

King Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off!

Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?

Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!

Sir Bedevere: A newt?

Peasant 3:... I got better.

Dennis: Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Sir Bedevere: Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?

Peasant 1: Build a bridge out of her.

French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

King Arthur: [after Arthur's cut off both of the Black Knight's arms] Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!

Black Knight: Yes I have.

King Arthur: Look!

Black Knight: It's just a flesh wound.

French Soldier: I'm French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?

Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say..."Ekki-ekki-ekki-ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing, z'nourrwringmm."

King Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.

King Arthur: Who are you who can summon fire without flint or tinder?

Tim: There are some who call me... Tim.

King of Swamp Castle: Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who.

King of Swamp Castle: One day, lad, all this will be yours.

Prince Herbert: What, the curtains?

Sir Galahad: What a strange person.

New Mother: Is it a boy or a girl?

Obstretrician: I think it's a bit early to start imposing roles on it, don't you?

Lady Presenter: Well, that's the end of the film. Now, here's the meaning of life. M-hmm. Well, it's nothing very special. Uh, try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.

Man in Pink: Pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space, because there's bugger all down here on Earth!

Father: [singing] Every sperm is sacred/Every sperm is great/If a sperm is wasted/God gets quite irate.

Harry Blackitt: Every time they have sexual intercourse, they have to have a baby.

Mrs. Blackitt: But it's the same with us, Harry.

Harry Blackitt: What do you mean?

Mrs. Blackitt: Well, I mean, we've got two children, and we've had sexual intercourse twice.

Harry Blackitt: That's not the point. We could have it any time we wanted.

Mrs. Blackitt: Really?

Harry Blackitt: Oh, yes, and, what's more, because we don't believe in all that Papist claptrap, we can take precautions.

Mrs. Blackitt: What, you mean... lock the door?

Humphrey: What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.

Gaston: You see that house? That is where I was born. My mother said to me, "Garcon. The world is a beautiful place, and you must spread joy and contentment everywhere you go". And so I became a waiter... Well, I know it is not a great philosophy but...Well, fuck you. I can live my life in my own way if I want to. Fuck off. Don't come following me.

Maitre d': Good evening sir and how are we today?

Mr. Creosote: Better.

Maitre d': Better?

Mr. Creosote: Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up.

Sergeant-Major: Don't stand there gawping! Like you've never seen the hand o' God before!

Dr. Spenser: Hello, can we have your liver?

Customer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Customer: "VOOM"? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! 'E's pining!

Customer: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!

Hungarian man: [consulting phrase book] I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

Tobacconist: What?

Hungarian man: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

Tobacconist: No, no, this is a tobacconist.

Hungarian man: Ah! I will not buy this tobacconist, *it* is scratched!

Self-Defense teacher: Now, it's quite simple to deal with a banana fiend. First, you force him to drop the banana. Then, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless!

Self-Defense student #2: Suppose he's got a bunch?

Self-Defense teacher: SHUT UP!

Self-Defense student #4: Suppose he's got a pointed stick?

Self-Defense teacher: ...SHUT UP!

Soldiers: Ooh get her! Whoops, I've got your number ducky, you couldn't afford me dear, two three. I'll scratch your eyes out! Don't come the Brigadier bit with us dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. Two, three, one, two, three, four, five, six. Whoops! Don't look now girls, the man has just minced in with that jolly colour Sergeant, two three. OOOOH!

British Soldiers: Wenn ist das Nurnstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Feierhund das oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Sergeant-Major: Now, I would just like to point out that this film is displaying a distinct tendency to become SILLY. Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do... except, perhaps my wife... and some of her friends. Oh, yes, and Captain Johnson. Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than I do, but that's beside the point! I'm warning this film NOT to get SILLY again! Right!