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Boundaries in Marriage

by Henry Cloud, John Sims Townsend

Series: Boundaries (4)

MembersReviewsPopularityAverage ratingMentions
1,015517,150 (3.75)1
Learn when to say yes and when to say no--to your spouse and to others--to make the most of your marriage Only when a husband and wife know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can they give themselves freely and lovingly to one another. Boundaries are the "property lines" that define and protect husbands and wives as individuals. Once they are in place, a good marriage can become better, and a less-than-satisfying one can even be saved. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, counselors and authors of the award-winning bestseller Boundaries, show couples how to apply the 10 laws of boundaries that can make a real difference in relationships. They help husbands and wives understand the friction points or serious hurts and betrayals in their marriage--and move beyond them to the mutual care, respect, affirmation, and intimacy they both long for. Boundaries in Marriage helps couples: - Set and maintain personal boundaries and respect those of their spouse- Establish values that form a godly structure and architecture for their marriage- Protect their marriage from different kinds of "intruders"- Work with a spouse who understands and values boundaries--or work with one who doesn't… (more)
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Showing 5 of 5
In addition to this, I went through Professor Christoph Kreitz notes on this. It's close to 300 page.

Professor Christoph Kreitz's Notes

I think, the notes are thorough, and gives the depth of boundaries.

Key Concepts:

-Own Responsibility for yourself, thoughts, feelings, values
-Take good care of yourself, so that you can take care of others
-Define: Who you are, Who you are not, What you like, dislike
-Out of Pure Heart: Love & Communicate to the other person
-Let people be themselves, we can’t control other’s will

Symptoms of Ignored boundaries:

-Enmeshment (feeling not clear, who you are in the relationship)
-Disassociation (out of touch with feeling, when violated boundaries)
-Detachment
-Victimhood
-Chip on Shoulder (carrying past hurt)
-Invisibility
-Smothering
-Lack of Privacy


My Problem with this:

I am not sure if this is for all cultures. If you are under Evangelical Culture, I respectfully ask you to expand your understanding of other cultures - Why? So, you don't mislead people into abyss.

People from Japan, China, Israel, Europe, Asia, India and South America might not even have these concepts in their culture.

Eg: In India, You will be asked by anyone:

1) How much money you make?
2) What does your family do?
3) People will reveal lot about themselves to you

Mr.Cloud, does that mean they don't have boundaries? I digress, probably, it looks differently.
It's part of the culture.

This is clearly written to Anglo-Saxons.

I would change the title to, "Boundaries for Anglo-Saxons."

Henry Cloud has a doctorate. Unfortunately, he doesn’t show understanding of anthropology (honor-shame, fear/power, guilt/law dynamics) Please read Jackson Wu's work. On doing so, one can integrate the missing gaps, and not mislead people.

I implore readers of this work and Dr.Cloud to raise their understanding.

He could write a better book with such a background.

I'd recommend this book regardless to everyone

Deus Vult,
Gottfried.
( )
  gottfried_leibniz | Jun 25, 2021 |
A Christian self-help book about the importance of boundaries in a marriage relationship. The ideas in the section I read were decent but this was a case of writing style not working for this reader. The examples that the authors use of clients they've counseled include dialogue that just sounds stilted and obviously coming from a therapist and they just set my teeth on edge. I also found that the book was far more targeted at people already married (and potentially dealing with challenges) than those preparing for marriage. Definitely a case of YMMV.
  MickyFine | Apr 19, 2018 |
Helpful, but there's a lot to wade through and reconcile with your own world view if you're not Christian and the type to count to three before you react rather than citing a verse at yourself. All in all a good read though, and an interesting perspective. ( )
  mrs.starbucks | Jul 19, 2010 |
A book applying the authors' "boundaries" philosophy to the realm of marriage.

There is much to commend the authors' concept of "boundaries" to marriage partners: if used properly, boundaries help each spouse recognize what they can and cannot control and to focus more inward and work to fix the self more than attempting to project on the spouse and to fix them. It can assist spouses who have difficulties in the areas of enabling, being walked over, or who constantly project all problems upon the other.

On the other hand, as the authors themselves make clear, the concept of boundaries has to be used properly. They cannot be immediate ultimatiums or boundaries enforced on others. The concept of consequences as elaborated in the book make some sense but can lead to all kinds of problems in and of themselves when abused. The idea of one consequence being the withholding of sex also runs contrary to 1 Corinthians 7, despite the authors' attempts to be otherwise rather Biblical.

In short, if the boundaries are established in the right way for the right reasons, things will go well. But if boundaries are established in the wrong way and/or for the wrong reasons, things could go from bad to worse. The book and concepts are worth considering, but it is even more important to check yourself at the door before establishing said boundaries. ( )
  deusvitae | Jun 10, 2009 |
This is actually really helpful for all person-to-person interactions (read _Boundaries_ if you don't want to be distracted by the marriage examples). The idea is that you only have control over your own reactions to things; you can't change people's behavior, only your reactions to them. But you can let people know that their behavior has consequences and what those consequences are. You can permit people to suffer the consequences of their actions (which is not the same as inflicting them as a punishment). I've given this book to some people and been tempted to give it to others, but people often aren't really ready to set boundaries. Some assumptions about traditional gender roles are annoying (husband embarrassed because wife can't keep house? really? there's some problems besides 'boundaries' there) but I can read around them. ( )
  Musecologist | Nov 20, 2008 |
Showing 5 of 5
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Author nameRoleType of authorWork?Status
Henry Cloudprimary authorall editionscalculated
Townsend, John Simsmain authorall editionsconfirmed

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Learn when to say yes and when to say no--to your spouse and to others--to make the most of your marriage Only when a husband and wife know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can they give themselves freely and lovingly to one another. Boundaries are the "property lines" that define and protect husbands and wives as individuals. Once they are in place, a good marriage can become better, and a less-than-satisfying one can even be saved. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, counselors and authors of the award-winning bestseller Boundaries, show couples how to apply the 10 laws of boundaries that can make a real difference in relationships. They help husbands and wives understand the friction points or serious hurts and betrayals in their marriage--and move beyond them to the mutual care, respect, affirmation, and intimacy they both long for. Boundaries in Marriage helps couples: - Set and maintain personal boundaries and respect those of their spouse- Establish values that form a godly structure and architecture for their marriage- Protect their marriage from different kinds of "intruders"- Work with a spouse who understands and values boundaries--or work with one who doesn't

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"We need to make clear, however, that Boundaries in Marriage in is not about fixing, changing, or punishing your mate. If you aren't in control of yourself, the solution is not learning to control someone else. The solution is learning self-control, one of the nine fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:23). So don't look at this book as a way to make someone else grow up. It is more about taking ownership of your own life so that you are protected and you can love and protect your spouse without enabling or rescuing him or her." by Henry Cloud, PhD, John Townsend, PhD, NEWPORT BEACH, CALIFORNIA, 1999
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Zondervan

2 editions of this book were published by Zondervan.

Editions: 0310243149, 031022151X

 

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