Kaz Cooke reckons it is our duty to devote our entire lives to personal grooming - with her tongue firmly in her cheek, as usual. Here she shares some of her favourite beauty tips!

Could anything be more important than the state of your fingernails? Do you want people at your funeral to be commenting on your usefulness to society, or the size of your facial pores? Forget world peace, forget trying to live a moral and vaguely useful life - spend days conditioning your elbows and rubbing seaweed into your baldy spots.

Highlights include: Remember, if God had wanted us to look frumpy, he wouldn't have invented the sequinned crop top with matching lycra hotpants and rollerblades! Green and purple eyeshadow can make a startling statement - usually, 'I've just been in a fist fight', but at least it is a complete sentence.

There's also some handy hints for blokes. Like: don't wear your Y-fronts for more than one day unless you are lost in the desert; and we already know you have a bum crack, display is unnecessary. ( )