I'd only heard good things about this book and it did not disappoint. I had some extra interest in this topic as the majority of friends I have made in fandom identify somewhere in the ace/aro spectrum/area. In the book, Chen mentions the tension between writing to give those who are asexual an opportunity to see themselves and writing to explain asexuality to allos (the rest of us), and I think the final product is a vital piece of the conversation for anyone wanting to think deeply about desire and identity.

The combination of personal reflection, interviews, and cultural criticism worked very well for me. I especially appreciated that Chen's commitment to exploring intersectionality with ace identity wasn't just one chapter of the book, it really WAS the book. The way societal scripts of how we are "supposed to" experience desire are so determined by gender, race, ability... Wouldn't we all be better off if we felt less bound to these predetermined scripts? ( )

4.5 stars, this is excellent. Sexuality is a spectrum and all points on it are valid. There's a lot here that I just need more information on or more time to process - it seems like ace and alo relationships often end up open? And romance vs sexual attraction is still a head scratcher for me. ( )

This book is the bee's knees! It's important, groundbreaking, and validating. Everyone on the ace spectrum should read it... and give a copy to friends... or "friends"... who harass and try to gaslight you for being ace. For that matter, people who aren't ace should read it, too. ( )

I feel really bad for rating this book so low because education about asexuality is so important. But I found myself getting frustrated at several points. I'm going to write a review now but I might come back and add to it later. I feel like she covers a lot of important points but I found myself wishing that it had just been a book about compulsory sexuality (which it mostly was) since I didn't particularly enjoy the parts where she talks about herself (she keeps justifying why she ha sex with her boyfriend and often gets repetitive or off track). I'd say that this book is a good exploration of compulsory sexuality but I wouldn't necessarily send people here to learn about asexuality (although there aren't many options...) as this part feels very fragmented between the stronger thread of components of the harms of society's expectations around sex.

But anyway. Some of the things that annoyed me:

Firstly. The dedication. It made me uncomfortable as it very much plays into compulsory sexuality. Many of us don't feel like we are lacking anything because we don't experience sexual attraction. I have never wanted "more" because I am not missing something...

This is a big one because it's a trend I've seen a lot on the online asexual community. Whenever she mentions repulsed people (of which I am one) she has to go one to remind the reader that asexual can have and enjoy sex. Yes, there is a spectrum, but as someone who has had unwanted advanced because of the constant emphasis on neutral and favourable people (no hate to you!) I wish that repulsion could just stand by itself sometimes rather than a prelude to some kind of "but there are others not like THEM".

The author states several times that she's maybe not 100% confident in her sexuality. And this is perfectly okay. But maybe then put more focus on other people instead of trying to justify yourself to the reader?

The false equivalences. No means no doesn't mean that there isn't a range of consents. People saying rape is violence rather than sex doesn't mean that all sex is good.

It jumps around a lot. She'll mention "person X from place Y" in multiple very split up places and it's difficult to keep track of individual stories.

I didn't like the part about aro people and QPRs. It wasn't particularly clear and I often found it to be contradictory. And why, just why would you use killers to introduce this theme??? Aro people are already stereotypically pained as all kinds of negative related things.

The whole discussion about HSDD. Is it a problem that asexual people are diagnosed? Yes. I agree with that. But does that mean it shouldn't exist? No? Of course not? If people are genuinely distressed by their lack of desire (which is separate from attraction anyway?) they should have a way forward and diagnoses can help with that. Don't tell allos it isn't helpful and that maybe they should consider identifying as ace or just get over it instead. Does compulsory sexuality feed into this in a bad way? Of course. But that doesn't mean it's not helpful.

She criticises the asexual community for being too white and goes on to focus on a very small subset (white, middle class, largely American, etc). I mean, at least she was upfront about it but this could have been such a great opportunity to uplift the voices she feels are being drowned out. I also find it troubling that she presents a lot of it as truths. As someone who is from a very different part of the world I can tell you I've had very different experiences. The fact that she states what she's found as the absolute truth is... let's just say not good. Since she has never met a gold star asexual (i.e. no other reasons to not be having sex and never having wanted it) she concludes they can't exist. I have met a handful of aces (far fewer than her since she did research and reached out) and I can tell you they do. While maybe people being so certain about who they are may make others feel confused about their identity it doesn't mean we should be erasing these experiences (especially since most people confident in their asexuality doesn't even use it to belittle others???)

Anyway, I'm going to leave this for now. I had to delay writing this for internet reasons so I may be back later if I remember something else. ( )

As an Ace person, there were a lot of things in this book that were very validating. There were also some concepts that will definitely take some time (and probably a few re-reads) to full digest.

I really appreciated all of the different coming out/realization stories. They were some of the most validating parts and provided ways to easily connect with the concepts shared.

There were times I struggled to get through the more academic passages, but overall it was good. I know quite a few people who I think would also appreciate this book and the knowledge it shares. ( )