Edward Phillips (2) (1630–)

66/2021. The Mysteries of Love & Eloquence, by Edward Phillips, 1685, is basically a 17th century pick-up manual written by an ex-Puritan, lol. This is one of the most hypocritical piles of fresh bullshit I've ever read, even by 17th century standards, but a point in its favour is that although it is no doubt full of minor vices it lacks any major viciousness. It's both intentionally and unintentionally funny and I couldn't stop laughing while I was reading it. Phillips was a student of his uncle John Milton, and later a tutor to the son of John Evelyn, so he had impeccable literary connections and is better known for his more serious literary history and criticism.

The full title is: "The Mysteries of Love & Eloquence, or, The arts of wooing and complementing as they are manag'd in the Spring Garden, Hide Park, the New Exchange, and other eminent places : a work in which is drawn to the life the deportments of the most accomplisht persons, the mode of their courtly entertainments, treatments of their ladies at balls, their accustom'd sports, drolls and fancies, the witchcrafts of their perswasive language in their approaches, or other more secret dispatches".

Unrated because it's both awesome and awful simultaneously.

Quotes

(I've actually left out the worst bit, lol.)

How to repel a 17th century pick-up artist: "Miscreant, thou shalt lie alone with thy bed unwarmed a score of frosty Winters." (Y'all know I'll be using this in real life.)

I don't think the author actually intended feminine beauty as foreshadowing Hell but here we are: "his face was scorcht with his Ladies eyes, as if he bin a three years voiage at the Indies, I am per­swaded his very Soul was tanned, for beauty hath the same influence with the sun, it blacks within, as his brighter beams do burn without."

Why phonetics don't work in English: "to breath a few horse sighs" (to breathe a few hoarse sighs)

Ladies are tougher than heroes apparently: "La­dies, so monstrous and fatal to the most eminent Heroes of the world in all Ages, have the cruel­ties of your implacable Sex proved"

At the pub: "lustily quaft the Blood of the Grape"

Throwing your pee at me won't make me love you: "casting of his Urine, or any other Charms on his Mistress"

The Master of the Ball giving instructions: "fetch the perfumes and fume every corner"

A 17th century game of Truth or Dare at a ball (I'm not making this up, honestly): "A Lady was commanded to put her busk in a Gentlemans codpiss. Another Lady was commanded to pull it out, which occa­sioned some sport, for she laying hold upon somthing else, after two or three pulls gave over, excusing her disobedience, by pretending that the busk was tackt to the Gentlemans belly. Another Lady was commanded to lead a Gentleman three times about the Room by the nose with her teeth, which be­ing done, he was commanded to wipe off the wet with the lappet of her Smock. Another Lady is commanded to tell, how often she open'd her back-gates to let forth the captivated wind of her belly since she came into the Room. Another Lady is commanded to tell, if she have not a wart, like that in her face, upon such or such secret part of her body. Another Lady was commanded to tell, whether she had her maidenhead or no. Another was commanded to tell, who she loved best in that Room. Another was commanded to tell, how many times her Husband had enjoy'd her."

How to compliment a woman's forehead: "a stately prospect, and show'd like a fair Castle com­manding some goodly Countrey."

How to compliment a woman's voice: "should the holy Church-men use it, it would tie up the nightly, without the addition of more ex­orcism."

How to compliment a woman out shopping, apparently: "Madam, Your nimble eye wherewith you do espie the faults of garb and habit, emboldens me to crave your judg­ment concerning the cut of my Breeches, the choise of my Fancies, and the fling of my Legs."

When she doesn't want to marry him: "I decline this theame of your wiving Letter".… (more)

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