When All You Have Is an Abuse Prevention Hammer...

This self-help guide for parents of teenage girls as they grow into their social roles among their peers and members of the opposite sex in middle school and high school is best known as the inspiration for the classic teen comedy film Mean Girls (2004) (and the 2018 Broadway musical adaptation of the film, and the 2024 film adaptation of the Broadway musical).

The edition I read is the original 2002 first printing - the one which screenwriter Tina Fey read - published before the rise first of social media in the mid- to late 20-aughts, then of smartphones in the late '00s and early '10s. These two inventions have radically altered social interactions between adults, let alone teens, and much of this edition is therefore outdated. However, the original film was released in 2004, and yet it remains relevant, and no doubt subsequent editions of the book have addressed the new social landscape. As such, the failure to predict looming technological advances is by no means the book's greatest shortcoming.

Author Rosalind Wiseman is an instructor who specializes in preventing abusive relationships, so she tends to approach adolescence with the premise all or almost all teenage girls are potential future survivors. She also has a comparatively dim view of teenage boys, at times verging on the "all they care about is Ess-Ee-Ex" stereotypes of a prissier bygone era. Another stereotype she references is the surly, emotional girl who throws tantrums in the shopping mall when her mother picks out the wrong shoes.

While certainly adolescence is a difficult period for everyone and girls in particular, the truth is not this dire. Having lost my daughter when she was 10 years old, I have never been the parent of a teenage girl, and I have obviously never been a teenage girl myself. But in my 20s, 30s and 40s, I got in touch with many of those female classmates I'd been terrified to approach in the early to mid-'90s, and although none of them would want to return to high school, few if any of them reported the hallways of our upper-middle-class to middle-upper-class northside Indianapolis suburban alma mater as being the gauntlet of horrors Wiseman depicts. Many of them made it to adulthood and into the present without a single incident of domestic or sexual abuse by a dating partner, companion or spouse. Most of them have strong relationships with their parents that were strained by little if any of the family sitcom tropes, and almost all of them had strong platonic relationships with members of the opposite sex which continue to this day. Outside of the anecdotal evidence, empirical studies on the number of females aged 14 to 21 who experience abusive relationships consistently place the number at a little over 50% - far too high, to be sure, but nowhere near the preordained rite of passage which Wiseman comes just short of suggesting it to be.

What's more, multiple studies have shown teen mental health issues are often exacerbated rather than alleviated by pop-psych prevention and intervention efforts like Wiseman's. (And it is pop-psych. Wiseman is not, nor does she claim to be, a trained and licensed psychologist or therapist. Her degree from Occidental College is in political science.) Several studies conducted just before and just after the pandemic have found an increase in depression, anxiety and emotional problems among teens exposed to these programs. One 2018 study of a program in Australia led by clinical psychologists in training found mental health problems nearly twice as high among participating teens compared to non-participants. One hypothesis is the very nature of the language creates psychological disorder mountains out of ordinary emotional molehills: In one example, where non-participant teens may say, "I am nervous about my math test tomorrow," participating teens are more likely to say, "I have anxiety about the test."

None of this is to say Wiseman's book is entirely without merit or utility. As one tool out of many for parents and guardians to help their adolescent daughters navigate the naturally turbulent ages between 12 and 18, and to help the adults remember the daily challenges they faced when they were their daughters' age, it can provide a rudimentary entry guide for what might otherwise be difficult or uncomfortable conversations.

Still, it's telling that a comedienne writing a Hollywood screenplay as light entertainment targeted toward a young audience should be more insightful and resonant than the bestselling self-help book which sparked the commedienne's imagination. ( )

Written for parents as a tool for understanding their daughters, Queen Bees offers insights from children and teens to supplement Wiseman's sound advice. Wiseman’s first job is to offer suggestions for what kind of guidance a mother can give her daughter surrounding all kinds of situations, usually related to peer to peer friendships and other critical relationships in a girl's life. Occasionally, she addresses the dads, too. More often than not, Wiseman will offer sample "scripts" of what to say in various situations. It is here that I found Wideman to be a little idealistic in more than a few places. See here: "Get inside her head and then you'll understand where she is coming from and how to help her" (p 8). That is like saying create world peace and you will end gun violence. Don't all parents want to know what is going on inside their child's head? Wouldn't knowing her true thoughts give parents at least some of the tools they need to help her? Additionally, some of the quotes from children seem a little suspect; a little too good to be true. Wiseman ignores the impact emotion has on an action. Sometimes logic is compromised by uncontrolled feeling; so much so that the right thing to say cannot come out. In truth, there are so many suggested dialogues that I found them a little tedious. ( )

If you've got kids in high school - boys or girls - this is a must-read. It helps untangle the seemingly 'standard' social structure and nastiness of high school girls. It also provides some solutions. ( )

In Queen Bees and Wannabes, the author investigates girl cliques throughout adolescence. He identifies the different roles girls play in cliques and helps parents find ways to help their daughters navigate them and stand up for themselves. She also devotes chapters on sex, drugs, and alcohol in the high school years. I found parts of the book more helpful than others. There are times when the author makes it seems like all girls have these problems and if you don't agree with that you are in denial or naive. This bothered me a bit because it was nothing like my experience growing up (for me or my close friends). I knew cliques existed. I know there were people that partied and obsessed over boys, but that was far from the only path girls and boys traveled at my school. I don't think that I was an anomaly. I think this book does offer helpful suggestions for girls and their parents that are experiencing problems with these issues, but some of the assertions seemed outdated or based on anecdotal evidence rather than real data. For example, there was a bit about how youtube was a problem because girls could see music videos on the platform and that this will influence how girls view how they should look and act. I agree popular culture can have a negative effect on girls and that youtube can be a problem, but my experience has been that music videos are the least of the issue on the platform. In fact, I don't think any of my kids or their friends have an interest in music videos they way we did when I was in school. The same goes for fashion magazines. Although fashion blogs and online information can be a problem, I don't think my daughter or any of her friends would even consider buying a paper magazine. In short, this had helpful information that parents should read and be aware of, I just wish that it didn't have a tone of all girls react this way, do these things. A lot of kids do, but there are also those that don't. ( )

This book is a wonderfully readable and rigorous resource for parents. It is packed with practical material that is cool and unswerving, regardless of the incendiary properties of the behavior being discussed. Wiseman has plenty of hands-on experience from her years as a speaker and youth program developer to rely on as she lets young girls tell their own stories in order to teach us about their world in order to reinforce her points. It makes it easier to listen to her, and it makes it easier to really hear our own children, which is something we can forget to do sometimes.

No matter, Wiseman is a formidable source of comfort and objectivity for both girls and parents, who gives girls ownership of their experiences, and asks parents to believe in their ability to grow and change. The direct and respectful discussion of the often difficult to understand world of growing girls reveals how much Wiseman loves her work with young people as well as the depth of her expertise.

I was relieved that this book was not just another series of complaints about teenage angst, but instead was a book that put what seem to be crazy teen behaviors into perspective and framed them in practical purpose.

From helping parents develop a healthy understanding of the kind of symbiotic relationship teens have with technology to decoding (or at least tolerating) negative and positive interactions between friends and enemies based on personality types and social structures, Wiseman makes sense. The simple acknowledgement of the complex cycle of growth and quest for independence makes girls suddenly and absolutely reasonable, even when they are aggravating.

There is no longer any reason to engage in battle! Read the book, you’ll see!

A review copy was received from the publisher in return for an honest review. This review and more at annevolmering.com. ( )