Alice Miller (1) (1923–2010)

These watercolors are haunting. Miller has insight into how to tap into repressed childhood pain- the ways to get there, how to take what comes out of your unconscious seriously, and to take your pain seriously, and is able to pass on the perspective necessary to allow others to heal, and to paint, and to use their art to explore their pain. It is a call to all of us to not fetishize our art and our pain, and to not form identity around our pain, but to really experience it, and to have the show more courage to move forward connected to our childhood reality. A badass woman and a badass book. I have been painting ever since reading it, and it has changed my life. show less

I just finished this book and will revisit this review later.

I have been going to therapy for 4 years, starting with psychoanalysis and recently switching to modern CBT. I believe that the impact this book had on me was only made possible with the help of my wonderful therapists.

That said, this book unlocked something deep and important in me. I cried several times throughout reading it, and upon finishing, had the biggest and longest cry of my adult life. The rage, fear, and sadness that I show more had bottled up inside, the crying, lonely, abused boy inside of me, could finally express himself fully.

I believe that this process has only begun, and it will take many more months for that child in me to truly feel safe, seen, respected, and loved.

Thank you, Alice Miller, for this book. It has been life-changing.

My personal next step, and what I recommend for those who have finished reading this book, is to read about and understand what it means to forgive. If we do not forgive, we cannot truly move on. But the first step is understanding and acceptance, which this book helped me do. show less

This book should be required reading for everyone. The way we raise and treat children is a reflection of the violence and chaos in the world we live in. Our fate as a decent, loving, and dynamic species lies in our ability to take the claims in this book seriously. Children's pain is real, and needs to be witnessed, respected, and honored. When we injure children, we create damaged adults who act through their unresolved and repressed childhood pain. We don't take children's pain seriously show more at the risk of annihilating ourselves as a species. show less

The title here is a bit of a misnomer - 'Gifted Child' in this sense does not necessarily mean a child of academic gifts, but one with an attuned empathetic sense, and thus susceptible to emotional abuse. When this sense is combined with a deficiency or disorder on the part of the parent - anxiety, manic-depressive, etc., the child has to go to extreme lengths.

This creates two 'selves' - the 'true self' - that is, the child's own 'genuine' personality and needs, and the 'false self', show more complying, totally obedient, utterly withdrawn, willing to lie in order to present a false happy image. The true self is subsumed to the lie, or the false self. The personal needs are neglected.

Now what's the problem with all this, you ask? If a child is intelligent enough to perform on their own, and emotionally intelligent enough to perceive what their parents want, they may yet be ignored or blindsided in order for the parent to perform their own needs first, and the child's as secondary or auxiliary.

Such a book is extremely uncomfortable to read. Perhaps for many it hits too hard. Although there have been some (many?) superseding advances in developmental environmental psychology as well as the epigenetics of mental disorder and abuse, this is still a fascinating read. show less