Kate Fagan (3) (1981–)

Anne Marie, Annie, Cass, and Cate Kay. All the names of our main character. We begin with Anne Marie, who feels her life hasn’t really started, that is, until she meets Amanda. She evolves into Annie, determined to reach “cosmic bigness.” This desire burns inside of her, driving most of her thoughts and actions. When a tragic accident happens to Amanda, Annie is faced with immediate panic that spirals into her uprooting her life and bringing on a lifetime of regret.

In this show more life-altering moment, Annie moves away and becomes Cass. Annie begins to write a worldwide sensation, and in this phase, becomes Cate Kay. She wrote in an effort to remember Amanda slipping reference upon reference into her book, The Very Last. The novel she writes shows how Amanda will always play a ghost in Annie’s life, and her inescapable regret of leaving her behind after the accident. Living comes with inevitable regret. Some grapple with more than others, but it is there for everyone. I couldn’t understand why Annie left Amanda in that pool. I was mentally screaming at her to go back, and with every word I read, I was hoping she would. But she didn’t. And while this is all fiction and I don’t understand it, it really isn’t for me to understand. Regret and guilt are personal; I can’t decide how Annie is supposed to live her life any more than I can choose for anyone else.

My main takeaway from this story is that regret is inevitable, it is personal, and it is important to find grace and forgiveness. Annie let her regret consume her, writing a parallel to the worst moment in her book, seemingly unable to forgive herself. She finally finds this forgiveness when she attends a book club discussing one of the character's actions, stating, “I just can’t make a decision about her based on this one action – we’re all so much more, and less, than our best, or worst moment.” Who we are is shaped by our best experiences but also our worst ones. Those moments we wished we had acted differently are essential to growth. To grow into better people, we need to learn from our mistakes, forgive ourselves, but also love who we are, regardless of the regret we must live with. show less

I loved how identity, guilt, and grief were explored. Annie/Cass/Cate’s whole life was built around one terrible accident and one shameful choice. No matter how she changed or who she became that past bubbled back up. She hid every part of herself from the world, but each layer of who she was poured out of her writing so clearly that she was unmistakable. Her emotions, both expressed and repressed, were written poignantly all the little details and anecdotes brought vivid life to the show more characters.

The choice of what’s addressed in the footnotes gave such subtle, but fascinating depth to the main character — what she allowed herself to focus on and what she couldn’t even years later, her little hang-ups, how she deflects.
In general, the author used the framing of the story as a memoir written by the main character to great effect.

My one complaint is that some of the contrivances of Cate and Ryan’s misunderstanding irritated me. Their reactions made sense for the insecurities and trauma these characters were carrying, but the external events that sparked it and kept it going felt unnatural. show less

Favorite Quotes:

Sidney is not someone I want as an enemy. Or, really, as a friend. No relationship at all was my preference.

Apparently, he’d wanted to make her an honest woman (eye roll), but then a few months after I was born decided he didn’t want honesty that bad.

“You know what I love about you?” “Do tell,” said the other, solicitously. “It’s like . . . ummm . . . how do I explain this? It’s like you hold me steady, but without holding me still.”

…our relationship show more always felt like such a tenuous thing. Aside from storytelling, Cass’s greatest gift seemed to be absence— that she could easily vacate her physical body. She was almost always somewhere else, and I had started to take it as a personal affront.

I’ve never let myself fully relive this memory before. It’s always been front and center but cordoned off behind yellow caution tape. No doubt my brain’s way of protecting me from feeling as I do right now, which is like a bomb of regret has exploded all over me and no amount of scrubbing could ever remove the stain

She wasn’t above such tactics— no one who succeeds in politics is. We’d both gotten our hands dirty over the years, and likely would again, but also, we donated monthly to six different nonprofits and sat on the board of three others— morality is a delicate ecosystem.

My Review:

Agnst, twists, heartbreak, clever snark, and profoundly insightful musings and observations permeated every page of this keenly and perceptively penned tome. There was a heaping helping of angst and far more than I knew what to do with, as profound insecurity and anxiety are not my jam, but were an integral part of the main character's personal journey. This was my first experience reading Ms. Fagan's clever arrangements of words, which alternated between squeezing my heart and putting a smirk on my face. show less

Initially, I had a hard time getting into the storyline, but at one point it turned around and became very intriguing for me. A story of two women, friends since childhood, who seem to be inseparable, finding their own ways after a tragic accident occurs. I really enjoyed the different characters and how the story is told from the perspective of one of the women as she assumes three different personas during her life. A nice read about friendship and love.