Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life

I'm surprised to be giving this a full five stars, seeing as Dr. Cloud is an evangelical Christian - and writes like one! - and I'm agnostic/atheist. But it earns the full five stars. What he says about boundaries (and the way to sanity) is something pretty much everyone in the modern world needs to hear in some form. If you can deal with a bit of Christianity without it driving you totally nuts (and, really, it's not all that strong, doesn't sound like a Bible study or anything), then I'd highly recommend this book.

I first read this book in the 1990s, at about the same time I read The Joshua Factor. Cloud and Townsend integrate their psychological and theological understandings in a refreshing manner. It is unashamedly Christian in focus, but that need not deter the non-Christian from taking note of the lessons, and adapting the spiritual aspects to their own faith or spirituality. What I like about the book is the applicability of boundary lessons, especially to areas of one's life that are deeply familial and personal. This is the book's strength, and when combined with the psychological foundations and research, the messages are powerful. I am pleased to have re-read this book, and the timing was perfect. The quote I wrote down over and over show more again while reading this was "Own the problem" (p. 207). And Proverbs 19:3 kept coming back to me: "The foolishness of man twists his way, and his heart frets against the Lord" (NKJV). If the non-Christian reader can identify with the philosophical and spiritual bases drawn upon in the book, there is much wisdom to be gained. A work well worth reading as part of one's end-of-year reflection. show less

I knew that this book was written from a Christian perspective, and although I am not a theist, I can usually look beyond that to the substance. Case in point: I'm a Dave Ramsey fan, which is how I heard about this book.

However, I found that the Bible was the primary authority used for any and all the points in the book. There were an average of 2 Bible quotes per page, often taken out of context and molded in the shakiest of ways to fit the point being made.

Much of the authority I would have allowed the authors on the strength of their experience as counselors was sabotaged by their reliance on quoted scripture for their authority. If they put so much credence into a series of writings with so much internal inconsistency and use it so show more arbitrarily, how can I trust their professional judgment? show less

To say this book changed my life would be an understatement. I don't think I've ever read a book that actually changed my life and this one most certainly has.

To be clear, I would not call this a "Self-Help" book. Do not read this book expect step-by-step handholding on how to create boundaries -- some of the reviews I've read suggest that's what people are looking for. You need more than a book; you need therapy.

This book is Christian / Biblically based so be ready to read a lot of Bible passages, a lot of "preaching" about how the writers are translating those passages. I know I can't give my parents this book because the Biblical passages are going to be over their head -- they don't know the Bible, they don't know God's Word. Same show more thing with a friend of mine who needs better boundaries -- this is not the book for her because the Bible passages are going to turn her off to the underlining message in those passages. I have shared this book with a parishioner friend and a coworker, both who have a deep faith and understand God's Word.

After reading this book I now have a better sense of what a "friend" is ... and what a friend is not. I am working on creating clear boundaries in my life -- in my personal life and in my professional life. I'm working on making this clearer at work as well ... just because we're friendly at work does not mean that we're "friends" -- we're only "friends" if we have a relationship outside of work, otherwise we're just friendly coworkers.

Adrianne show less

The author elaborates on the topic of boundaries from a Christian viewpoint. Often Christians feel that they must take on every request made of them. This book emphasizes that that is not a Christian viewpoint. You must take care of yourself in order to take care of others.

Several quotes that I saved will give the flavor of the book.

“Finding your life’s work involves taking risks. First you must firmly establish your identity, separating yourself from those you are attached to and following your desires. You must take ownership of how you feel, how you think, and what you want. You must access your talents and limitations. And then you must step out as God leads you. “ p 224

“Do not make an idol out of willpower.” P show more 225

“Although God wants us to respect his boundaries, he also says ‘Come let us reason together’ ”. Isa 1:18 p 240

And there are some statements that I have a harder time agreeing with:
“Some people will find out that the holy, just God of the OT isn’t so bad or scary. He just has very clear boundaries.” P 280

I will never forget how, when first challenged to read the Bible through when I was in 3rd or 4th grade, I was appalled, almost traumatized, to read how the OT God told the Israelites to not only kill the mothers but rip the babies from their wombs.

Anyway, whether I agreed with everything or not, it was an interesting read. show less

Interesting book describing how much of our anger and resentment is due to insufficient setting of boundaries. The book shows various ways that people's boundaries are violated, and particular styles of relating that can cause problems.

Cloud and Townsend offer a Christian perspective on boundary development and strengthening to make life and loving others for individuals currently struggling with defining their own boundaries. Rooted in scripture, Biblical text supports their clear explanation of tendencies and practices needed to build boundaries and open oneself up to a life with boundaries, more freedom, and a clearer conscience. Guilt, anger, and fear dominate the conversation around why we do not often set clear boundaries... but the overall story is about how setting boundaries can open you up to so much more of life's experiences, with a direct comparison of a Day in the Life of someone with boundaries and someone without. I am walking away with a clearer sense show more of when to say no and a deeper understanding of the importance of forgiveness. This is not my typical genre, but I am so thankful I took the plunge with this book. show less