Big Maria

When people visualize Californians, they seldom think of Blythe, a sunbaked stink hole near the Arizona border where even the palm trees struggle to survive. It’s one of those places you think of when someone talks about life on the fringes of society. It’s a pretty dismal place and one would think that a story based there would likewise be cheerless and dismal.

Maybe the story would be okay if the characters in it were warm, fuzzy and likeable. Sorry, not the case. By all rights the characters in Big Maria should be hard to warm up to. When we first meet Harry he is waking up next to a dumpster outside of a bar drunk and covered with several kinds of his own waste. He even admits it’s not the first time. Frank is a grumpy old man show more dying of cancer who doesn’t have a kind word for anybody. There may be hope for Ricky but when he wrecks a bus full of senior citizens, killing several, he goes on a pity party that destroys his own life and drives away everyone who loves him.

Alone, each of these men is a pitiful loser but together they are are the basis for the most wacky and entertaining novel I have read in years. These guys should be hard to like but the truth is that they were impossible not to like. Besides, how can a book with a line like “Everything got a lot more confusing after the burro exploded” not be fun to read?

A chance meeting of the three in a hospital brings up the story of a lost gold mine and the hunt is on. Who cares if the mine is located in the middle of an Army artillery range at the Yuma Proving Grounds or if the map they need is buried beneath the floor of a house in a town that has been sitting at the bottom of a lake for 70 years?

Seriously, unless you have a serious aversion to profanity, do not miss out on this book. Big Maria is one of those books that leave you running to Amazon to snatch up what other books the author has written. (FYI: Dove Season is Shaw’s first book and I already have it on Kindle and will be reading it soon.)

*Quotations are cited from an advanced reading copy and may not be the same as appears in the final published edition. The review copy of this book was obtained from the publisher via the Amazon Vine Program. show less

If Harry was going to do something stupid, he was damn sure going to be smart about it." (pg. 131)

It's fair to say Big Maria is not the best book I've ever read, but damn if it's not fun. An engaging and hilarious crime-caper yarn that reminded me of an Elmore Leonard story or one of those early-season Breaking Bad episodes (before it got really dark), the story follows three asses (as in idiots) and two asses (as in donkeys) on a quest to find a lost gold mine. Which happens to be on what is now a US Army explosives proving ground. But they have to get there first. And, with these three no-hopers, that is going to be a quest in itself...

Our three protagonists – Harry, Ricky and Frank – are all endearingly useless (not just hapless, show more but borderline Darwin Award contestants) but they are not clowns; author Johnny Shaw makes them all authentic and believable characters. You care about what happens to them; depending on which of the three you're talking about, they've either never had many prospects in life or have had something really shitty happen to them. Consequently, the reader is really rooting for them to succeed in their improbable quest. As Harry says on page 66, "I'm dead serious, Frank. From the go, I ain't treated this like nothing but a job. More serious than any job I've had. The moment I heard about the gold, I knew this was my shot."

It is the character of Harry who I had the hardest trouble engaging with at first, but I came around. Harry is at the centre of all the gross-out comedy at the start of the book, but as the plot settled Shaw thankfully began to tone it down a notch. There's some unnecessary bleakness in the initial stages of the novel; for example, at one point Frank pets his dog and the reader is told how this dog was found by Frank having been abandoned in a sackful of puppies in the desert to die. The dog "had chewed his way out and lived off his dead siblings" until Frank found him (pg. 55). This dog is a one-scene wonder and it felt unnecessary to introduce this sort of detail into a story which at that point was already overloaded with grossness. But readers should tough it out in these early stages; trust me, it becomes a hell of a ride.

It's hard not to love a book where a one-and-a-half-armed man punches a donkey, or where the line "Our mother is exploded because you were trying to impress a prostitute" is not only used (pg. 281) but actually carries some emotional weight. This was what surprised me most; not only how well-written and well-paced the book is, but how you actually care about the characters and what happens to them. For a pulpy, Coen Brothers-esque caper story, that's pretty impressive.

But it is the laughs that are the main sell here; Shaw's prose is intensely funny. In one throwaway line, we are told "The small boat drifted along the surface of the water. Scrub and low hills failed as scenery around the dam lake." (pg. 95) and at another, we are warned that in the shady, crime-ridden area where our protagonists live, "If someone asked for a ride to the bank, the only good answer was no." (pg. 10). The bits about how assault appears to be allowed by God (pg. 78) and the difference between 'harm' and 'hurt' (pp70-1) were particularly hilarious. And just consider the following, where Ricky is confronted by a hungry mountain lion:

"God's design had definitely failed Ricky at this point. What Ricky would have given for some claws, fangs, talons, or, at the very least, anal scent glands. Advanced reasoning and opposable thumbs did little good in a head-to-head scrap with a cougar." (pg. 227)

I could go on, but the point is that Big Maria is often a riot to read. Shaw is aware of the ridiculousness of his characters and the situations he writes them into, but is never cartoonish, rarely dumbly slapstick and never lets a joke outstay its welcome. The supporting characters are also excellent, especially Bernardo and Ramón (and Worky! Good old Worky!). Not only was I laughing throughout, but I was also aware of the craft and quality of the plot and the prose. And that's entertainment, folks.

"Ricky stopped laughing. "Sorry. It's the thought of actually doing it. A treasure map hidden in an underwater ghost town that will lead you to a lost Indian gold mine. That's like the back cover of a Hardy Boys book. It's a little ridiculous."

"Ridiculous just means that nobody else has tried."" (pg. 48)" show less

First Line: It didn't take much imagination to guess what the other kids had called Harry Schmittberger when he was a boy.

Harry Schmittberger has gotten the short end of the stick all his life. He's convinced that his name started that whole bad luck ball rolling. Frank Pacheco is Native American, old, and has cancer, but he feels that he has one more fight left in him. Ricky McBride is young, strong, and not the brightest bulb in the chandelier. All he wants is to give his beloved wife and young daughter a good life.

Calamity refuses to leave these three men alone, and they find themselves washed ashore on a desert island called No Hope. But they refuse to give up, and these three men who really have nothing in common find themselves show more becoming friends... and formulating a plan to bring much-deserved happiness and prosperity to them all. You see, there's a fabulous gold mine lost for over a hundred years in the Chocolate Mountains of Arizona. Sure it's right in the middle of the largest military artillery range in the world, but that shouldn't stop these three men from their objective-- should it?

This book is not for the easily offended or those who prefer not to read about people who inhabit the bottom rungs of society. But for readers who can look past the profanity, violence, and frequent mentions of various bodily fluids, there is a terrific tale of friendship to be found. Of the three main characters, I found Harry to be the hardest to digest, but even he managed to work his way past my defenses. Frank's two marijuana-growing grandsons and his daughter (who scares the spit out of everyone she meets) are excellent additions to Shaw's cast of characters.

Big Maria has a very cinematic quality to it, which isn't that unusual since the author is a playwright and screenwriter. The entire book flows smoothly, each scene vivid in my mind. Referring to a book as "cinematic" can sometimes be pejorative to me, meaning that the author really wants to turn it into a movie as quickly as possible. That's not true of this book. This is a well-crafted tale that really makes me care about what happens to Harry, Frank and Ricky. I want these three losers to have a Happily Ever After as I laugh, wince, shake my head, get teary-eyed, and laugh some more all through their misbegotten caper.

Johnny Shaw's novel may take you a bit outside your comfort zone, but the results can be very rewarding indeed. show less

I became Johnny Shaw's fan after reading his Jimmy Veeder Fiasco series and reading Big Maria has done nothing to change my mind!

Three losers form an odd alliance to embark on a hunt for a huge amount of gold, hidden a hundred years ago in the Big Maria mine, presently located in the mountains and canyons that form the artillery range of the U.S. Army. They face unexpected challenges at every step and blunder along undeterred, aided by divine providence or just dumb luck. The quest, while testing their endurance and perseverance and faith, brings out of them the best features they themselves are unaware of. The story is both riotously funny and touchingly heartwarming at the same time. The well-etched characters, right down to the show more couple of burros, are crazy, eccentric and appalling at times, but are memorable and inspire the reader's sympathy. The plot moves along at a fast clip and the dialogues are tremendously enjoyable.

I am not a big fan of toilet humour and there is quite some amount of it in this novel, though it does not feel forced and hence is forgivable. The ending, though quite satisfactory, feels a bit rushed. Other than that, Big Maria is a fantastic tale of courage, optimism and friendship told with a huge amount of craziness and humour that is essential to survive the tough times such as the present, and I rate it 4.5 out of 5! show less

The first few pages of this book were so nasty and disgusting that I would have quit reading if I had not been given a copy for review. Lots of profanity, scatological imagery, bodily fluids no longer in bodies, that I'd rather not be subjected to reading – and that's just the first eight pages about Harry, one of the major characters.

Well, I requested this book so I should give it a decent chance to redeem itself. I was hoping for something that might be along the lines of The Sisters Brothers, dark humor about a couple of less-than-respectable brothers that I really enjoyed. So I slogged on.

And I found that I love this book. Yes, there was still plenty of profanity, more than enough violence to go around, huge amounts of overly show more descriptive bits involving lots of maimed bodies, stinking bodies,more bodily fluids...you get the idea. And the characters were hopeless losers, no chance of redemption, filled with stupid and impossible ideas. Animals don't fare well but their fates aren't based on intentional cruelty.

So why did I change my mind? The characters. I fell in love with these misfits, with their hopes even while they were telling themselves there was no hope, their resignation to their fates even while trying to change them, their quirkiness. The humor, dark but very entertaining. And the ridiculous storyline – trying to find a gold mine reportedly in the middle of an artillery range, all based on a conspiracy theorist's rantings.

This one is not for those offended by all those things that first put me off the book, but for those who can accept that, the book is very good, funny and touching and quite memorable. show less

This is one of those books that I'll recommend to my friends as a must read. Big Maria is fun. It's got great characters, a clever plot, and lots of heart.

Three men set out on an unlikely quest, with no magical powers, modest intelligence, and barely a whole body between them.
Harry Schmittberger (you know what they called him in school) is a man who goes where life takes him, and that's usually into a drunken stupor. He's not a smart guy, but then he's never given himself a chance. Why should he try? With the name he's saddled with, the fates are aligned against him. But during his most recent drunk, he hears the word "gold" and starts to think the fates might shine on him yet.

Ricky McBride is a neighbor of Harry's in the Desert Vista show more trailer park. To support his wife and young daughter, Ricky drives an ancient bus full of senior citizens from Blythe, CA down to the Mexican border so they can walk across the border to buy cheap prescription drugs. It's not much, but it's the best employment available, considering he's never applied himself much.

Frank Pacheco is an Indian, as he tells Ricky, mostly a Chemehuevi, but really a mix, plus a little Mexican. Frank rides Ricky's drug bus to pick up drugs to medicate his cancer and cholesterol-ridden body and to pick up the occasional Cuban cigar, even though he can't smoke them.

On one of their drug trips, Ricky mentions gold to Frank and Frank relates the hundred year-old story of Abraham Constance and his Big Maria Mine. When Indians tired of Constance's paranoia over the theft of his gold and his killing of anyone with knowledge of it, Frank's grandfather killed Constance, and buried him, his papers and maps somewhere in the town of Picacho, which happened now to be under the waters of the Imperial Reservoir.

When Ricky relates the story to Harry, it becomes his grail. It doesn't matter that obtaining the maps under the waters of the reservoir might be problematic. It doesn't matter that Ricky, after a bus crash that killed six people and turned him into an alcoholic and separated him from his wife and daughter, is maimed and has use of one good arm. It doesn't matter that Frank's condition has worsened so that any extended activity leaves him breathless, and that he's almost under house arrest by his domineering daughter. It doesn't matter that if they find the maps, that they'll lead to the Big Maria mine amidst the carnage and hellfire of the U.S. Army Yuma Proving Grounds. To Harry, it is his fates driving him to his life's goal and it shall be accomplished with his new friends.

And so it is that the fractured trio sets out, marching like the fife and drum line of the Revolutionary War, to obtain their riches.
The group not only has to deal with the elements, mine fields and wild animals, they also have to deal with a number of zany characters. Among them is Frank's daughter, Mercedes, intent on tracking down the people who "kidnapped" her father from the hospital. Her two large and childlike sons, who survive on the proceeds of their marijuana business, tag along to help their mom, but primarily to get their two burros back that were borrowed by the trio for their excursion.

Johnny Shaw has infused Big Maria with humor, some of it slapstick, some of it irony, and sentiment. He has his trio show emotional growth and form a bond of friendship gained from their stressful experiences. Big Maria is a story that will touch your heart and your funny bone and make you look forward to the next book by Johnny Shaw.

I decided to add one more point, a minor quibble not with the book, but the editing. There were numerous times that I noted extraneous words "to to" or "a the" that should have been fixed at some point. One or two, maybe, but it happened a dozen times or so, and shows some sloppy editing. I hope Thomas & Mercer up their game a little in that area. This is the second T&M book I've read with the same issue. show less

Big Maria is a thoroughly entertaining tail of 3 no hopers on an unlikely treasure hunt. It's laugh out loud funny, exciting and moving by turns and proves that characters don't have to be likeable to be engaging. I really liked it.