History Is All You Left Me

You know a book is going to be good when you're crying on the first page.

This book is absolutely, stunningly beautiful. It is also incredibly sad. I really don't know what to say about it, because I loved everything. The book delivered everything I wanted it to and more. What I thought would happen, happened, but it happened very differently than I expected it to. The secrets that cloud the text are revealed at precisely the right moments, and once you know everything, it's very easy to piece all the pieces together.

One of my favourite parts of this novel is the absence of Theo's voice (which is very much intentional and a brilliant move on the author's voice). Everything we see is through the lens of grief, and it clouds our own show more judgement, just as it clouds those grieving. I love how real everything feels, and how the characters come right off the page. I love how you, like Griffin and Jackson, are left with questions of "what if?" and what could have been. These questions have no answers, and cannot have answers. You can dream, you can wish, but as our protagonist learns, eventually, you have to go on.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I can safely say that History Is All You Left Me is one of my favourite novels, and it's going to stay with me for a very long time. show less

"I don't know what will be left of me if love and grief can't bring you back to life. Maybe I need to be brought back to life, too."

Have you ever read a book that hurt so much that when you finished it all you could do was sit still as the tears fall and you stare into space? This is exactly what History is All You Ever Left Me by Adam Silvera did to me. Reading this one was so hard because it cuts so deeply.

Silvera's writing was masterful. His character development was everything. Every single character makes you want to care. The depictions of Griffin's OCD, pain and grief left without air in my lungs. As his mental health spiraled, I was in my own head pulling myself out before I got worse. There were passages that had me asking show more myself if that's what it feels like. I have never seen such a clear, realistic depiction of mental illness and how it overtakes someone the way Silvera has written it. The way I sobbed when it was over was unreal.

This broken and beautiful book is just what I needed to remind me how to fight for myself. I will always remember Griffin because he taught me:
💥 the importance of accepting help and having a support network when mental health is spiraling
💥 that grief, love and heartbreak all come from the same place
💥 that we have to want to live for ourselves
💥 that we are not meant to get stuck in our past history with someone
💥 that love can break you physically and mentally
💥 that healing is a process and it's OK to make horrible mistakes sometimes
💥 that we never know with absolute certainty who another person truly is
💥 that love can be wielded as a weapon and almost kill us
💥 that people who truly love you see past the masks you wear and the lies you tell
💥 that in order to live you have to let certain things die

This book solidified Adam Silvera's place in my heart and mind forever. He shattered the pieces but showed me how to slowly put them back together.

What I'm left with are Ke$ha's lyrics:

'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell

I had to learn how to fight for myself

And we both know all the truth I could tell

I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell" show less

What mark do people leave on others' lives? How do you calculate and qauntify and make people understand how someone else shaped you? Are stories and pictures and memories enough when that person is no longer there? When your rock, your touchstone, the reason you go on (whether you acknowledge this or not) is taken away from you - what do you do?

Griffin faces this question and more in HISTORY IS ALL YOU LEFT ME, a novel told in the "today" (how Griffin deals with Theo's loss, starting with November 20th, 2016 and ending in January 2017) and in the "history" (how Griffin & Theo's relationship evolved from 2014 onwards, ending with Griffin receiving the call about Theo's death on November 13th, 2016). Using the dual timelines we get an show more idea of who Griffin is before Theo's death and after, but we also gain insight into how Griffin viewed Theo.

Full disclosure when I was 13 I loss my best friend since cradle to a long term illness. I didn't cope well and had seen a psychiatrist about the fact I insisted on writing my friend letters, referring to him in present tense and in general did not acknowledge his death in a way deemed healthy. While my relationship with him is in no way similar to Theo & Griffin's, and my grief does not resemble Griffin's, the underlying reason for both is the same I believe

You don't get to choose your future. Not definitively. Not really. The best any one can manage is to dream, work towards that dream and deal with obstacles to that dream. As humans we like to make grand declarations like "I will love you forever" and "we will never be apart", but they're less promise and more hope. For Griffin his future definitely included Theo in some way. As friends or as more, no other future existed for Griffin.

I get that. Theo was...he was everything. Even when he was hundreds of miles away, even when he was with a different guy...none of that mattered. Spoiler: I spent a lot time crying during this book.

And Jackson...the enemy or something else, it all got mixed up for Griffin. Jackson represented a piece of Theo that Griffin didn't have--couldn't have. He knew what Theo was like all those hundreds of miles away. He knew what he was like in private moments when they were truly alone. He knew so many things Griffin wanted to know and experience and thought he would experience with Theo. That made someone Griffin wanted to know and felt jealous of.

Grief is...messy. It's not something that is standard or controlled. There are patterns to grief, but I. the end grief is as messy as anything else. For me grief became a solid wall. There was nothing and no one beyond that wall. If I didn't venture beyond it, then I didn't have to realize Marc wasn't there anymore. I didn't have to piece together what that meant. So I hid behind that wall so hard I stopped speaking. I stopped eating. I stopped doing ANYTHING.

For Griffin his grief was just as self destructive but in a...less isolating way. Griffin didn't hide behind a wall and ignore his grief, he screamed his grief through his actions (scratching til he bled, pulling his earlobe) and through his belief that Theo was listening to him.

This book...I don't know if I could reread it. The physical and emotional pain I felt while watching Griffin deal with his emotions messed with my calm. These two...I loved Theo as Griffin did. I was just as confused about what to do when Theo left for school. I was just as torn up when Theo moved on (but he didn't or he did or he sort of did, he said he loved Griffin and Jackson was just to pass time because he was so alone without Griffin so it would all work out..in the future...).

But at some point Griffin's grief triggered my buried (buried so far I thought it dealt with) grief and well. I recommend this book. In my opinion everyone should read it. EVERYONE. just...be aware of your emotions. show less

This book was incredibly affecting. Normally, that's a good thing. But in this case, much of it hurt (empathy-wise), Further, I did not really like the characters. Griffin, whose narrates the story, is so completely self-absorbed. And I cannot tell whether this is a reflection of his OCD, his relentless self-consciousness, or just teenage-brain stupidity. And the lying and self-delusions don't make me like him more.

"History Is All You Left Me" begins just after Griffin's best friend and ex-boyfriend (Theo) dies suddenly in an accident. Griffin is lost, untethered, adrift. Thus he begins to tell two stories in parallel. One is the "now" story that tells us what happens in Griffin's world after Theo's death. The other is the origin story show more that tells us Griffin's view on how his relationship with Theo was born, grew, and changed. Because we know that Theo is with Jackson when he dies, we know that the "before" story will not end with Griffin and Theo together. At the same time, we don't know any of what came between, so the "now" story is also a mystery. It was those unknowns that kept me listening when I thought that I could not take any more sadness.

None of what we learn about Theo and Jackson is all that endearing either. I think I dislike them more than Griffin. Theo was horribly selfish, displaying hurtful disregard for Griffin a number of times. And yet, there were times when it seemed Theo was making an opening for Griffin to shed the lies and be open. Ultimately, Theo's death removed the possibility that these characters could reconcile and heal the fractured Theo-Griffin relationship.

It is not until very late in the book that we see how (misplaced) guilt is clinging to Griffin and is playing a big part of his overwhelming sadness and malaise. Through much of the book, Griffin is lying to himself and us, the readers. It is heartbreaking the way Griffin feels responsible for Theo's death.

As you might expect, the "history" part of the story ends the day Theo dies. At which point, the pieces start falling together. We find out that just before Theo's death, Griffin was starting to move on with Wade. And that he felt disloyal to Theo - who was already his ex-boyfriend. Hiding his truths from Theo and himself. And then, the day he decides to come clean, Theo dies.

The "now" part of the story ends when Griffin is finally grappling with truth and lies and trying to move forward with living.

Without a doubt, Mr. Silvera knows how to craft a story and set a mood. Audiobook narrator was very good as well. show less

Adam Silvera‘s novel on love and loss is a stellar portrait of the conflicting emotions that come with each. Griffin’s near-obsessive love for Theo perfectly encapsulates the experience of one’s first love. Mr. Silvera takes readers back to that mystical time when you think you will never love anyone as much as you love your first love. He captures the joy and fear that accompanies such relationships as well as the doubt and uncertainty. It is easy to get lost in Griffin’s tale as his story stirs all of those emotions.

At the same time, History is All You Left Me is very much a novel about grief as well as love. In that, Mr. Silvera holds back nothing. Griffin is not just mourning the loss of his first love, he is also mourning show more the loss of his childhood as well as of his best friend. We watch him run the gamut of emotions of the grieving process, and we are there by his side as he seeks out self-destructive methods in an attempt to ease his pain. Younger readers may not completely understand Griffin’s feelings, but Mr. Silvera does a fantastic job of subtly explaining to his readers just why Griffin is engaging in such behaviors. By making you feel Griffin’s pain alongside him, Mr. Silvera creates a safe place to grieve for a target audience who may have never had the chance to do so.

For older readers, Griffin’s reactions expose his youth and inexperience in life. There is a selfish element to his grieving process that is understandable and yet also very age-appropriate. For example, Griffin is caught up in his own thoughts for almost the entirety of the novel, thoughts which have a tendency to lean towards angst as well as grief. Again, this is completely understandable given that Griffin is not even eighteen at the opening of the novel. His rather sheltered upbringing provided protection and prevented him from having to face the hardships of adulthood at an earlier age, and it shows in his actions and reactions to others. This is not a terrible thing, but the angst does wear a bit after a while.

Even though readers of different generations will have very different reading experiences, History is All You Left Me is a novel with universal appeal. Its themes are timeless. Moreover, Mr. Silvera crafts the human experience so well. Griffin’s struggles are painful and real, which can make for some uncomfortable scenes. Yet Griffin is also painfully honest, which encourages an almost maternal nurturing instinct towards him. Through Griffin Mr. Silvera not only reminds readers of the messiness of love and the utter bereftness of loss, he forces them to experience them as well. show less

Adam Silvera is great at cutting through to the heart of a story and really ripping your emotions to shreds as he slowly picks apart pieces of truth. “History is all you left me” starts off with Griffin mourning Theo, who is his ex boyfriend and first love. They grew up together and were their first everythings, until Theo went off to school across the country and feel in love with someone else.

Watching the interplay between Griffin and Jackson, Theo’s new love is heart-breaking because Adam Silvera does SUCH an authentic, soul-crushing job of showing what it’s like to both lose someone, and also to have your heart crushed. Griffin didn’t just lose Theo, Theo moved on to someone else, and Griffin, who is loveable in all his show more imperfections is so obsessed with this idea that watching his life spiral out of control just breaks your heart.

Please excuse typos/name misspellings. Entered on screen reader. show less

Summary: Griffin's world is turned upside down when his first love and ex-boyfriend, Theo, dies unexpectedly in a drowning accident. Even though Theo had moved to California to attend college on early admission, Griffin never doubted that they would find their way back to each other. Griffin and Theo were "end-game." Now that future has gone off course and Griffin must find a way to navigate through his grief. And the only person that truly understands Griffin's heartache is Jackson, Theo's current boyfriend. As Griffin loses himself in his obsessive compulsions and destructive choices, he questions whether he will ever be able to climb out of his downward spiral. In order to move on, Griffin must confront the secrets he's been keeping, show more even if those secrets threaten to tear everything apart.

Review: This is the first book of Adam Silvera's that I have read. I bought They Both Die at the End a few months ago, but I put it down after just a few pages. I guess I was just not in the right mindset to read something like that at that time. However, after finishing this, I can't wait to pick it back up again.

I think the reason I connected so much with this story is that it is rare to come across a book that details grief in such a brutal and truthful manner. Let's face it, everyone deals with grief in their own way. Personally, I always hated going to funerals and hearing, "They are in a better place now." I cringed. Whether or not it was someone I knew personally or just a friend of a friend, I loathed hearing someone utter that line. I know it's the default response many of us have, but to be honest, it sucks. Because in that moment, we don't want that person to be in a "better place," we want them here, alive, with us. And that is exactly what Griffin struggled with in this book. He could not find a way to move on in a world where Theo didn't exist. His grief process was messy and complicated, but it was real. He struggled every step of the way and made mistakes he felt were un-forgivable.

But through those struggles and mistakes he learned what it means to heal. That healing doesn't mean waiting for someone to do it for you. Healing sometimes mean falling down again and again until you can pick yourself back up on your own. It also means there are people willing to walk through that process with you. 99.9% of the time, you aren't the only that lost someone. In History is All You Left Me, Griffin has to realize he wasn't the only one who lost Theo. It's in those moments where the novel is at its strongest. "You left us alone. Your death made us each a piece in this awkward puzzle that doesn't completely come together, but it's enough to make out the image: two boys in love with someone who is never coming back."

Most importantly, this novel is a testament to remind people how important is is to allow themselves to feel all those stages of the grieving process. There was a simple, but powerful quote towards the end of the novel that said, "I know it's lame, but it allowed me to feel lonely and didn't force me to lie to myself about how I was really feeling. I understand putting on a tough face for other people but never myself." show less