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The latest installment in the Deep Thoughts series unearths more of the pseudo-inspirational material that Saturday Night Live viewers have grown to love. Illustrated with aptly corny nature photographs, The Lost Deep Thoughts takes a profound plunge into the world of Handey's life-altering aphorisms. 96 photos.Tags
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12+ Works 1,485 Members
Series
Common Knowledge
- Dedication
- To Beverly Marble, My Mom
- First words
- If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much.
- Quotations
- For me, the worst thing about having King Kong walk down your street is that kids could look up and see the giant genitalia.
If you're ever giving a speech, when you start out, act nervous and get mixed up a little bit. Then, as you go along, get better and better. Then, at the end, give off a white, glowing light and have rays shoot out of you.
Instead of a regular arm, Carl had been born with a pigeon's wing. The odd thing was, all through his life, no one had ever laughed at his wing -- not even the mean kids at school. Then one day he realized why: He looked in ... (show all)the mirror and saw that HE WAS A PIGEON! He shit right there, as he often did, wherever he was.
When I think of all the hours and hours of my life I have spent watching television, it makes me realize, Man, I am really rich with television.
If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood.
If you're ever on an airplane that's crashing, see if you can't organize a quick thing of group sex, because come on, you squares.
The king threw back his head and laughed. He enjoyed a good laugh, and so did his wife, the queen. When she saw the king laughing she let out a big laugh too. In fact, she laughed so hard she broke her throne. This made them ... (show all)both laugh harder.
Then they got serious when they remembered they had the plague. "The plague," said the king, but the way he said it made them both burst out laughing again.
It's funny, but when you look at an old man, then you look at a photo of him when he was a young man, then you look at the old man, then the photo, back and forth, pretty soon you'll do whatever anybody tells you to.
When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Ya-hoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.
One day a beaver and a termite were walking down the road together. "I can eat through a tree with my teeth," said the beaver.
"That's nothing," said the termite, "I can burrow through a tree."
Then they heard a... (show all) voice behind them. "You two think you're so smart, but you're nothing!" It was a bitter old drunk lady.
Probably one of the main problems with owning a robot is when you want him to go out in the snow to get the paper, he doesn't want to go because it's so cold, so you have to get out your whip and start whipping him, and the k... (show all)ids start crying, and oh why did I ever get this stupid robot? - Last words
- (Click to show. Warning: May contain spoilers.)With every new sunrise, there is a new chance. But with every sunset, you blew it.
Classifications
- Genre
- Fiction and Literature
- DDC/MDS
- 818.5402 — Literature & rhetoric American literature in English American miscellaneous writings in English 20th Century 1945-1999
- LCC
- PN6162 .H276 — Language and Literature Literature (General) Literature (General) Collections of general literature Wit and humor By region or country
- BISAC
Statistics
- Members
- 101
- Popularity
- 318,274
- Rating
- (3.79)
- Languages
- English
- Media
- Paper
- ISBNs
- 1
