Assume the Worst: The Graduation Speech You'll Never Hear

Assume the Worst: The Graduation Speech You’ll Never Hear
Author: Carl Hiaasen, Illustrations: Roz Chast
Publisher: Alfred A Knopf
Date: 2018
Pgs: 43
Dewey: 818.54 H623a
Disposition: Irving Public Library - South Campus - Irving, TX
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REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Summary:
This is Oh, the Places You'll Never Go--the ultimate hilarious, cynical, but absolutely realistic view of a college graduate's future. And what he or she can or can't do about it.

"This commencement address will never be given, because graduation speakers are supposed to offer encouragement and inspiration. That's not what you need. You need a warning."
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Genre:
90 minutes (44-64 show more pages)
Humor
Entertainment
Literature
Fiction
Literary Criticism
Parodies

Why this book:
The title sucked me in. Appeals to the worrying pessimist who lives inside me.
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Character I Most Identified With:
A curmudgeon and a pessimist get together and write a grad speech about the future and hope. Lovely.

Favorite Scene / Quote:
The optimist staring at a steaming pile of crap with a shovel in hand thinking there is a pony in there.

The whole graduation speech you’ll never hear with comic strip illustrations is pure awesome.

“Spending all your waking hours doing what feels good is a viable life plan, if you’re a Labrador Retriever, but for humans it’s a blueprint for unemployment, divorce, and irrelevance.” AKA Why not live every day like it’s your last.

The pessimist slept close to the fire. The optimist pitched a hammock between two trees under the stars. One of them got eaten by a lion, a tiger, or a bear.

Wisdom:
The okay it’s got to get better assumption. It doesn’t have to do anything.

Self delusion is not a virtue.

Life is a shit blizzard. (But) No, we’re not all doomed.

...spiritual pathway to happiness...visit a yogi, or go buy a puppy.

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Last Page Sound:
This tickled the cynical, pessimistic curmudgeon who lives in my soul.

Author Assessment:
Well done.

Knee Jerk Reaction:
instant classic
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I didn’t really care for this. The book claims to be honest and realistic—and it’s true that the book isn’t exactly bursting with optimism—but the negativity is so overblown that it’s just as unhelpful and distorted as the sincere speeches it parodies. The humor didn’t appeal to me, but I can certainly see how others might enjoy it. It has the tone of a seasoned veteran giving some unpleasant advice to new recruits, but the book’s sole gimmick is how unexpected it is to hear pessimism out loud; it’s sort of a one-trick pony, but it just goes on too long and falls flat. Some of the advice seems unwise, too. Not my cup of tea.

I often complain that Hiassen writes a good book, but I wish they weren't so long. Well, "Assume The Worst" fits that wish. A half size 43 page book. A quick read, funny for sure, but I can't imagine who paid 15.95 for this book. (i Bought it at a library sale for 1.00!)

It's a rather cynical little offering but there are parts of it that are oh so very true. Some of it will bring a chuckle or so and you'll think..."Yeah, I know someone just like that". As the author points out..."assuming the worst is the best and most promising course. it will keep the despair and disillusionment at bay. When faced with a steaming pile of manure, the optimist will say, there has to be a pony in there somewhere."

This very short book is written with tongue in cheek, as a college commencement speech might sound if it were realistic, rather than idealistic. I picked this up for a reading challenge book because I needed a book under 100 pages long, and those are hard to find. This one is only 64 pages long...with pictures! The illustrations are by the hilarious New Yorker cartoonist Roz Chast were actually the best part of the book for me, which was a tad too cynical for my taste. To be fair, it was written in 2018 when Donald Trump was in office, so liberals were all feeling pretty cynical, then.

You might want to take this book with the proverbial grain of salt. There are a nuggets of good advice, interspersed with satirical humor, but other admonitions should probably be ignored. Contrary to the author’s advice, I think you should look for the good in people you meet, especially if you meet them on a daily basis. And if you are quick to judge people, you likely will be judging before all the evidence is provided. Still, it’s an entertaining book, and the illustrations make it worth the read.

ASSUME THE WORST: THE GRADUATION SPEECH YOU’LL NEVER HEAR by Carl Hiaasen, with illustrations by Roz Chast, is a hilarious and very touching essay.
I could copy the entire essay with my underlinings and notes. Some of my favorite notes are:
“Force yourself to experiment with kindness, even when the impulse eludes you.”
“Corruption is another dreary fact of life, and the worst scoundrels are often likable and smooth. Try not to fall for their act. From the local zoning board to the halls of Congress, your mistrust will seldom be misplaced.” (Cynic that I am, this is my favorite quote.)

A wonderful graduation ‘speech’ - one everyone should hear and adhere to, no matter one’s age.