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Why Does He Do That?

by Lundy Bancroft

Other authors: See the other authors section.

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5931031,049 (4.48)21
In this book, domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft uses his perspective as a therapist for abusive and controlling men to help women, their children, and other family members who have been touched by abuse understand why abusers behave the way they do and what can be done about it. Bancroft teaches women how to survive and improve an abusive relationship; how to determine how dangerous an abuser is and when it is impossible to rectify a situation; and how to get out of a relationship safely. Bancroft identifies nine types of abusive men, addressing different styles, from the physical batterer to the strictly verbal abuser. He dispels the pervasive societal myths surrounding abuse, exposing common excuses used by abusers, such as having experienced an abusive childhood or substance addiction. Bancroft answers commonly asked questions, such as what warning signs of abuse to look for early in a relationship; what is and isn't abusive behavior; how to know if a woman and her children are in danger; and how to tell when a man is really changing.… (more)
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» See also 21 mentions

English (8)  Catalan (1)  Finnish (1)  All languages (10)
Showing 1-5 of 8 (next | show all)
Unflinchingly examines the methods of an abuser and the underlying causes to his behaviour. An indispensable resource for the abused and the wider community. ( )
  Jaykess | Aug 14, 2020 |
This book should be required reading for everyone

I found this book very insightful. It perfectly describes the frustration involved when dealing with the multiple faces of manipulation. I highly recommend it for anyone who is suffering or has ever suffered, or who know someone who has suffered from abuse. It’s validating and informative and helps to scrub myths and wishful thinking from your mind. ( )
  RaggedyMandy | Apr 22, 2020 |
This was an amazing book! It made me rethink so many things. This is one of the first books that has said that I am not a co-dependent or in some way enabled the abuse to happen. In the introduction it said “Counseling men is difficult work. They are usually very reluctant to face up to the damage that they have been causing women, and often children as well, and hold tightly to their excuses and victim blaming.” I have felt that way often about my ex-husband, that it didn’t seem anything was helping him and he wasn’t taking any responsibility for HIS actions, but so many books put partial blame on me, that I enabled this behavior somehow. Near the end of the book where Bancroft is talking about abusive men changing he said “there are no shortcuts to change, no magical overnight transformations, no easy way outs. Change is difficult, uncomfortable work.” “The men who make significant progress in my program are the ones who know that their partners will definitely leave them unless they change, and the ones on probation who have a tough probation officer who that really demands they really confront their abusiveness.” I hope and pray my ex’s probation officer is tough, for my children’s sake because I have left and that wasn’t motivation enough. There were so many points made in this book that hit home with me, points that confirmed ways I already felt, and points that put words to things I had been unable to describe. I absolutely recommend this book to anyone that has been in an abusive relationship.
For more reviews see my blog: https://adventuresofabibliophile.blogspot.com ( )
1 vote Serinde24 | Aug 17, 2018 |
I've been fortunate enough never to have to deal with partner abuse in my life or the life of anyone close to me, but this is a fascinating, revealing book anyway. I was continually struck by Bancroft's radical compassion, his willingness to see the roots and supports of abuse in so many everyday situations, and his determination to dig them out. (He doesn't seem to believe that women can be abusers, and I'm willing to believe that that's true for the kind of abuse he's describing, which is very much a consequence of a misogynist, patriarchal culture. But just like people of color can be racist, women can be abusive, but it'll look different than it does coming from the culturally dominant force. Take this book as relevant to patriarchal abuse, and consider a different slant for dealing with female abusers.) ( )
  jen.e.moore | Mar 13, 2017 |
This book is fantastic. I would recommend it to anyone who has in any way been touched by abuse or might in the future. Very thorough, pinpoints abusive tactics exactly, easy to read, shows great empathy for abused women, and does not discuss abuse as a gender-neutral phenomenon. My one issue with Bancroft's analysis is that although he is very good at describing misogynistic behavior and making the connection between abuse and what he calls "anti-female" attitudes and institutions, he lists hatred of women as a myth about abusers. I'm not sure what his association is for "woman-hating," but the hatred of women is in fact misogyny and is, as he describes in other parts of the book, intimately tied to the source of abuse.
  csoki637 | Nov 27, 2016 |
Showing 1-5 of 8 (next | show all)
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» Add other authors

Author nameRoleType of authorWork?Status
Bancroft, LundyAuthorprimary authorall editionsconfirmed
Eichner, MaunaDesignersecondary authorsome editionsconfirmed
McKeveny, TomCover designersecondary authorsome editionsconfirmed
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Epigraph
Dedication
To the thousands of courageous women,
many of them survivors of abuse themselves,
who have created and sustained the movement
against the abuse of women, and to the many
men who have joined this struggle as allies.
First words
Introduction
I have been working with angry and controlling men for fifteen years as a counselor, evaluator, and investigator, and have accumulated a wealth of knowledge from the two thousand or more cases with which I have been involved.
Part I
The Nature of Abusive Thinking

I
The Mystery
Listen to the voices of these women:

He's two different people. I feel like I'm living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

He really doesn't mean to hurt me. He just loses control.

Everyone else thinks he's great. I don't know what it is about me that sets him off.

He's fine when he's sober. But when he's drunk, watch out.

I feel like he's never happy with anything I do.

He's scared me a few times, but he never touches the children. He's a great father.

He calls me disgusting names, and then an hour later he wants sex. I don't get it.

He messes up my mind sometimes.

The thing is, he really understands me.

Why does he
do that?
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Wikipedia in English (3)

In this book, domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft uses his perspective as a therapist for abusive and controlling men to help women, their children, and other family members who have been touched by abuse understand why abusers behave the way they do and what can be done about it. Bancroft teaches women how to survive and improve an abusive relationship; how to determine how dangerous an abuser is and when it is impossible to rectify a situation; and how to get out of a relationship safely. Bancroft identifies nine types of abusive men, addressing different styles, from the physical batterer to the strictly verbal abuser. He dispels the pervasive societal myths surrounding abuse, exposing common excuses used by abusers, such as having experienced an abusive childhood or substance addiction. Bancroft answers commonly asked questions, such as what warning signs of abuse to look for early in a relationship; what is and isn't abusive behavior; how to know if a woman and her children are in danger; and how to tell when a man is really changing.

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