The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

A gem of a read especially for any woman who has ever been told, "You shouldn't feel that way!"

"Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self -- our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions -- is being compromised in a relationship. Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we can comfortably do or give. Or our anger may warn us that others are doing too much for us, at the expense of our own competence and show more growth."

"The taboos against our feeling and expressing anger are so powerful that even knowing when we are angry is not a simple matter. When a woman shows her anger, she is likely to be dismissed as irrational or worse."

"Anger is inevitable when our lives consist of giving in and going along; when we assume responsibility for other people’s feelings and reactions; when we relinquish our primary responsibility to proceed with our own growth and ensure the quality of our own lives; when we behave as if having a relationship is more important than having a self."

"Anger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others."

"We are responsible for our own behavior. But we are not responsible for other people’s reactions; nor are they responsible for ours. Women often learn to reverse this order of things: We put our energy into taking responsibility for other people’s feelings, thoughts, and behavior and hand over to others responsibility for our own."

Lerner addresses the longstanding social constraints that inhibit women from understanding anger and using it as a positive tool to improve their most important relationships. Engaging writing and timeless wisdom. I only wish I'd read it when it first came out nearly 30 years ago. show less

This was a life-changing book for me. I randomly bought it from a used bookstore and it sat on my shelf for 1.5 years before I finally began reading it. I'd never heard of it before, and I really wasn't expecting much.

I was shocked to find how realistic and helpful this book was. Although I've been exposed to a ton of material on cognitive therapy, I have never seen such clarity in any of them. This is not just a book about anger ... it's a book about how to live. Sounds strange? Perhaps, but I'm not quite sure how else to describe it.

Unfortunately, the title does not do the book justice, and may scare away many who could potentially benefit from the concepts explored. This is certainly not a book only for women or only for those who show more have "issues" with anger.

Of course, merely reading the book will not change your life. One must actually incorporate the techniques into his/her life, and that's a slow and difficult process. Even if you're not ready for that change, skim through the book ... keep it in mind ...

I recommend this book to absolutely everyone. show less

I feel like this is a necessary book for anyone socialized as a womxn to have on their shelf to reference often. It was satisfying, for me, to recognize a lot of the same coping skills I learned in my own work with a counselor over the years. That being said, we fall into the same patterns over time and need a refresher - that's why I think even someone who has managed their anger well or is just coming to realize that their anger is causing them problems now - should have this book in their collection at all times.

This book is full of useful insights into how relationships work and how our behavior can change relationship cycles. My only disappointment is the lack of discussion of abuse. The assumption in this book seems to be that the relationship is not an abusive one and so is worthy of rescuing.

DNF - Though I appreciate her insights on anger, a lot of what she says is based on gender constructs, especially male-female marriage relationships. For example, the husband was always the aggressor and the woman's anger came from her passivity and come out in nagging outbursts. Though this may be true in some situations, it would have been nice to see an alternative view as well. (Though I didn't finish this, so I may have missed those type of examples if she included them.)

Lots of good stuff, but also lots of generalizing about "we women" that I could have done without. However, if you read it as gender neutral, all the advice seems to be spot on.

I was in therapy this summer briefly, but long enough for my therapist to recommend this book. I read through it and several times spotted some things that I do sometimes, but I can't say it was life changing. Mostly it reminded me that I need to be honest about my feelings and I need to set clear boundaries and stick to them.