The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex

This book was disappointing. I did not assume the book would be targeted to only one gender. It assumes you are the female half of a divorced couple. Perhaps it depends on who orders it and there is a male version, but somehow I doubt it.

The book may be useful for certain types of divorced mothers, but only certain types - or those who have a particular type of ex. There are many scenarios described that are very stereotyped sounding to me.

I was raised by a divorced mother and visited my father every other weekend or so. I agree with a lot of the advice the book gives to parents, much of which my parents did indeed model rather well. Not being perfect, they also had their moments of frustration with each other which were unpleasant to show more us kids. A book that raises people's awareness of how the kid will react to their pettiness is a very good idea. My issue is not so much with the advice as with the overall tone of the book. Assumptions are rife:

- The mother is the custodial parent or the parent who is more involved (even though there's a chapter on this very issue of deciding custody and she notes there that it varies from family to family)
- The mother is still emotionally invested with the ex enough to care about the ex's new relationships etc.
- The father is less responsible than the mother
- The father is belittling, sarcastic, etc. while the mother tends to be upset, stressed, etc.
- The mother needs to vent about her ex to friends (this is constantly brought up, and I found it rather irritating).
- The environments are assumed to always be safe - there's nothing about signs to watch out for regarding abuse.

The two major criticisms I have are with the gender specificity, and the absence of info regarding abuse.

Abuse: As the tone of the entire book is basically to give each other the benefit of a lot of doubts, I understand why she did not touch on the abuse issue, but I think the book needs some info about what constitutes abuse, how to recognize signs, and how to handle a situation where the ex may be abusive to the kid - or the reader of the book may be abusive. I mean, it does happen, and in those cases you (or your ex-spouse, if you're the abuser) may be forced to use the police and the law to keep the kid away from the abusive parent. Whether it be the mom or the dad.

Gender specificity: I feel this book could have been a lot stronger if it had had more variation in the scenarios and especially if it had veered between the genders (made one scenario where the person reading the book is the father, the next the mother; and also alternate genders of the kids). It was pretty much addressed to the mother of a daughter, and I thought it would have been stronger, and more relevant to a wider audience, if it had mixed it up, as many other self-help books do. Perhaps there are different versions of it marketed to different people. If so, again I feel it would be better to just alternate within it.

I intended to pass this book along to my friend who's currently experiencing a divorce and who has joint custody of his two sons, but I don't think it will be very useful for him given the above weaknesses.

As this is an advance reading copy I hope that the author strengthens the book. The advice is certainly noncontroversial and the book could be a very good resource if she rewrote it. show less

I received this book through the Early Reviewer Plan. It's a good refresher in concentrating on your child and making things right for the kids. Some of it seemed too specific; as if the author thought everyone's situation matched her own. Also, the bad examples of "the old way" sounded very mean and nasty to me; I haven't experience with doing stuff that way and it made me wonder if the author had.

I liked the many different situations addressed, and the constant push that the kids don't make the divorce and that kids don't need to take sides. I also liked the idea that you can only control yourself; even if the ex isn't doing stuff the way that the kids prefer, it still helps if you are.

I hate the cutesy writing with the heart between show more the words, though. It made the book seem less practical. show less

When I first came across this title in the Early Reviewers book listing, I was actually quite excited. My ex-husband and I have a very collaborative relationship when it come to parenting our child, and I hoped both to see some of our own strategies endorsed, I thought I might be able to come away with some new perspectives and tools to make a situation that already works well, work even better.

I was seriously disappointed with my experience of this book. I felt like the didactic manner in which the author moved back and forth between "The Old Way" and "The Pro-Child Way" was rather distracting and focused too much effort and attention on behaviors and patterns that clearly do not work and are not in the child's best interest. Moreover show more I found the trademark symbol present in EVERY iteration of "The Pro-Child Way" grating in the extreme. To see every repetition of the phrase tagged with a branding logo seemed disingenuous in the extreme and caused me to seriously question the motives of the author. I am reading a parenting book in all liklihood because I am emotionally exhausted, confused, and looking for answers. In this state I feel being marketed to in the manner of a late-night infomercial to be in very poor taste.

This tended to leave me with a rather sour impression of the text overall. However I was also disappointed in what I considered to be the shallow nature of the solutions presented for complex and far-reaching questions of opposing values, unhealed emotional truama, and trying to foster a genuine sense of cooperation for the sake of a much beloved child in the midst of a conflict not of their own making. Even without the benefit of any formal training in family therapy, my former spouse and I have come up with more sophisticated and nuanced ways to cope with these difficulties, and create a functional and dynamic parenting relationship.

This text offered me no additional insights, and in fact seemed to focus so much on the negative elements parents might bring to the scenario it seemed unlikely that anyone in the mental and emotional states the author seems to consider a foregone conclusion could implement any positive changes for their child, and certainly not without the aid of professional intervention. show less

This was an "ok" book; it lacked "meat", depth; it was a bit trivial. The author's, Kellner's, main premise is excellent: after a divorce, consider the children first and do what is right for them instead of trying to get back at your spouse.

Each piece of advice has an "Old Way" and a "Pro Child Way": really, the reader gets the "old way" and I found after about a third way through the book I just began skipping the "old way" section. Kellner would have done better to just have an "Old Way" chapter at the beginning of the book and then spent five times the effort on really fleshing out the "New Way" for the remainder of the book.

In many cases Kellner admits that if both spouses got "The Pro Child Way" and were able to work things out show more for the chidlren's sake, then they probably would have been able to work out their marriage too. Relationships, marriages, divorces, dealing with children are FAR more complex than this book indicates or addresses. This skinny book does not even scratch the surface.

I also thought Kellner should spend more time on how to help a child deal with all the issues of an uncooperative or neglectful ex-spouse. Just smiling at your ex-spouse when he/she comes and goes and glossing over negative or hurtful feelings a child may have is not in the child's best interest: a child needs to know how to process what may be very strong negative feelings towards the divorce, a neglectful parent or dealing with a step-parent or step-siblings.

The main message of this book is good. Kellner needs to spend less time trademarking her heart "Pro Child Way" symbol and spend more time delving deeper into the situations of children and divorce and address handling more scenarios of dealing with the ex-spouse, relatives, ex-in-laws, and step-families. show less

I am not divorced, but have lived through and held the hands of two close relatives who, with children, have gone through this. Kellner could have been using them and their lives as "The Old Way" and "The Pro Child Way."

What really impresses me is the maturity in which The Pro Child Way really is pro-child and helps to preserve the respect of both parents. Nothing is to be gained by dragging each other through the mud, both figuratively and literally.

This book would be good for anyone with children going through a divorce. The only thing I would have liked was more on parenting teenagers in the new way instead of having the subject blended in by topic.

But this is a worthy read!!!

This was an advance read for me. I actually liked it much more than the two previous reviewers. Yes...if it's a horrible, bitter situation, it would be difficult to incorporate the information. That being said, if you are 2 adults who don't want to raise a child full of hurt and anger, you should both read this book.
What I loved was that it was an easy read...easy to choose a situation such as, "Parent Teacher Conferences," and read only what you need at that moment. If your former spouse won't read it, maybe you can find a few guidelines that will help you take the higher road. I think the easy to read, choose your own topic chapter layout would appeal to men. I am going to let my step-daughter read it, and then I'll keep it for anyone show more I know having difficulty in this situation. show less

A good idea, to write a book like this. But maybe a bit over-hopeful, atleast in the really nasty situations. The book is basically an application of the Golden Rule to the divorce and child-rearing areas of life. Good initiative, less-good execution.