No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice--Instead of Good--Hurts Men, Women and Children

I am skeptical of the every developing syndromes of the modern Western world. Perhaps we have syndrome syndrome (book idea!). So I was a bit suspicious when I saw the title but I was intrigued by a cursory glance through the book and decided to read it.

Whether there is a "Nice Guy Syndrome" or not I'll leave for others to judge (Robert Glover wrote "No More Mr. Nice Guy" which speaks from a secular perspective). However, it does address a problem among some men which is the passive-aggressive way of dealing with fear and anxiety. In the book, Coughlin encourages men to not assume that others are aware of the deals that we have made with them (especially the spouse) of which they are ignorant. The frustration comes when he doesn't get show more what he wants even though he did what he was a good boy.

The book has good advice for men who work from this anxiety-based condition. The contribution that this book makes that is different from Robert Glover's book is the impact of passive-aggressive behaviors in Christian men and the detrimental affect in the church.

It is a decent book but the real meat is in the last several chapters on how to deal with the behaviors. Early chapters establish the problem of modern culture minimizing the manliness of Jesus (Jesus the Bearded Woman concept popular in many religious circles) and he makes the case to consider the whole masculinity of Jesus in the scriptures and consider Him as the example to follow. show less

I had this on Kindle and finally got around to reading it. Paul Coughlin is a local Christian writer and runs a non-profit addressing the problem of bullies. This book was written about a decade ago and is his encouragement for Christian men to stop being so passive, and to become courageous, good and assertive.

I would say for the most part this book is great; however about 20% of the book is Coughlin's critique on how the feminist movement has eroded our understanding of what it means to be a man. He sees other root causes for the Christian Nice Guy (CNG), such as a feminized, meek and mild picture of Jesus, and how (he personally but others) have had their masculinity damaged through abuse. The advice he dispenses, about being show more assertive and not ruled by fear, applies to both males and females and I disagree with some of his analysis, mostly because painting the 'meek' image of Jesus as girly (or as he says in a chapter title, a bearded lady), demeans women. Passive nice ladies are not exactly praised in Scripture, where as assertive, strong women are (i.e. the bleeding woman, Mary and Martha, Jesus' mother Mary at the Wedding of Cana, the Syropoenician woman, etc). I don't blame feminists for eroding manhood, but praise them for helping women recover their strength. Coughlin does write a No More Christian Nice Girl book as well, where presumably he packages this same advice for women.

But on the level of 'advice,' I think Coughlin is spot-on. Niceness is pretty detrimental to men's lives. Passivity is a failure to be truly good and I can recognize patterns of behavior and places where I personally be more assertive. So I appreciate his message. show less

No More Christian Nice Guy was another reminder of how Christian men have passed over the mantle of leadership to anyone else. For years, I have felt that the church was full of passive, wimps. Coughlin's book basically says the same thing.

The book is written in an easy-to-read manner. However, that does not downplay the message of the words. The truth Coughlin wishes to portray in No More Christian Nice Guy is that Christian men have been taught from childhood to be nice, not good. Sometimes being "good" is not nice. It is reminiscent of C.S. Lewis' comment about Aslan in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. When asked if Aslan is safe, the response is, "He is good, but he is not safe." Coughlin reminds us that all too often we trade show more what it means to be good for what it means to be nice.

This book had opened my eyes to the extent of the problem. Although I had seen it in my own life and had been working it myself, this book inspired me to push harder and make the change to good from nice complete. show less

Recommended for all depressed Christian guys! In his recent newsletter, Paul Coughlin point out a common problem with Christian Nice Guys, which is exactly who I was... wrong church teaching that turn me into a passive depressed christian.

Q: You write in your Study Guide that Christian Nice Guys behave as if they have no rudder in life. Why is this true?

A: Christian Nice Guys feel and are rudderless for a few reasons. They believe inside that it's wrong and selfish to have goals, dreams, and desires. Some have religious traditions (not to be mistaken for revealed truth) that fail to make the important distinction between being willful and being willing. They often come from homes that tell them that all they need to do is to give their show more troubles to Jesus and he'll take care of the rest. This is dangerous advice to men who are prone toward passivity and who are told that it's selfish to exert their will.

People have normal wants, needs, and desires, but in order to obtain them and maintain them, they eventually run into conflict. But conflict bothers Christian Nice Guys so much that they stop trying to obtain these parts of their lives. Christian Nice Guys think all conflict is wrong. If so, then Jesus was wrong plenty.

Making matters worse is that many weren't given the skills to obtain their desires (perseverance, assertiveness, and so on). Many CNGs go into adult life without the skills necessary to fare well and bring God glory. show less

I don't agree with everything in the book, but it is still worth reading as it is rather thought provoking.

Just a very good analysis of how being "nice" can and does hold significant consequences for men in their faith lives.

Paul shows us that today’s Christian men have been duped into believing that they’re not Christians at all if they don’t sit quietly and take it on the cheek. Through compelling illustrations of nice guys who have it wrong and women who encourage the niceness, Paul proves niceness is not always biblical. [...]
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