Francine Pascal (1932–2024)

Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield are about to turn seven. Like all small children, they believe that everyone else should be as excited about this as they are and, luckily, this is Sweet Valley, so everyone actually is. Lila teases Jess about having bought her the best present ever, while the boys in the class suggest all kinds of 'boy' presents that utterly horrify her. Elizabeth quite likes Ken's idea of a catcher's mitt, though.

Jess realises that she hasn't bought Elizabeth a present show more (because apparently even at six years old, Jess is still Jess), so arranges for her mother to take her into town by herself, although the twins usually do absolutely everything together. When Elizabeth finds out, she's hurt and wants to know what the big secret is.

Their birthday comes around and the entire class arrives, all bearing gifts. Lila's amazing present is a doll house and Todd gets Jess a ballerina necklace and Liz a notebook. (There are already hints of Liz/Todd, which is a little weird when they're so tiny. But in his very first introduction he pretends to punch Elizabeth, so at least he is Todd levels of Anger Management Issues from the beginning.) The twins then exchange their own presents, which are complete flops, because they both bought what they would want to receive: a blue velvet hair bow from Jessica to Elizabeth and a wind-up car from Liz to Jess. All ends well, however, because they just swap presents and get what they wanted all along.

The first book in the series sets Jessica up as a girly-girl who passes notes in class and Elizabeth as a tomboy who writes poetry. They're recognisable as the Wakefield twins, but not completely formed yet, and it works show less

Overall, I like this particular outing, leaps of brain numbing insanity aside. I like the fact that it concentrates mostly on Liz after Jessica's little interlude with Scott, and the fallout for Liz when she chooses to take responsibility for her twin's actions. I've been the good kid covering for the reckless one. I've had my arse tanned instead of theirs, and it's never fun. You don't get half the good rage you should because you CHOSE to step up for them and give them a way out of a show more situation they chose for themselves. I like that Liz resents this and knows full well what she's doing is wrong.
I like her fight with Todd and that Todd is big enough to come to her and say, 'hey, I wasn't wrong, but I don't want to dwell on this. I want to be with you and I'll learn to deal with your crazy antics, and yeah, maybe I was a bit harsh.' Because of this, I suspect I had a huge crush on Mr. Wilkins until they totally whipped him later on. As it is, he's still manly enough to seem interesting, but not so much that you wonder if Bruce lightened his hair and wore contacts just to screw with your head.
Again, the early books were not kind to Jessica. Which is okay, because she later becomes fantastic and Liz should look into suing for character assassination. show less

Somehow, it just isn't a re-readathon without some SVU, even though we don't always read one every year. This one fell right in my sweet spot: mid-canon, Bruce/Lila ship sailing freely, and everyone is in character. This book is definitely helped by only have 3 main characters (Bruce, Lila, and Jessica Wakefield at her best), so the POVs were limited and the plot was able to move at a fairly lightning pace.

The novel opens with Bruce putting the finishing touches on a screenplay, a homework show more assignment for his new favorite class at SVU. He's worked on it for 2 weeks straight, neglecting everything and everyone (read: Lila) in order to finish it on time. He think it's really good and hopes his professor, Academy award-winning Dennis Gordon, will agree, and maybe even help him sell it in Hollywood.

Buoyed by such hopes, he scrambles to get ready for class, knowing he owes Lila a big apology for neglecting her. He decides to print a copy of his screenplay for her, so she can see what took his attention away from her. He runs out of paper halfway through, and has to use leftover pink paper from one of her earlier bright ideas. It amuses him, thinking she may appreciate a pink copy. His own copy is half white, half pink, and the one he'll turn in is white. The colors of the paper turn out to be very important.

Bruce tries to catch Lila before class, but she's nowhere to be found, and - even worse, in his eyes - some other guy is sending her roses. He is angry - who dares try to step in on his woman?! - and tears up the card that accompanies them, leaving his manuscript behind with the flowers as if it's one big gift from him. He hurries off to class, which he just happens to share with Jessica, who somehow made it into the ultra-competitive class over her sister. Jessica is excited about the class and the possibility of stardom via her association with the professor. She even gets him to sign a copy of his award-winning script for Elizabeth when she turns in her screenplay project. Adding to her interest in the class (and Professor Gordon) is the tragic story of Belinda Beringer, a former SVU student who was Gordon's prize student in years past. A new wing will be dedicated in her honor at the film school, and Jessica has Major Plans for that party.

Lila, meanwhile, is pretty steamed about Bruce's inattentions, so when a handsome blond man flirts with her on the quad, she decides that she'll consider going out with him, if only to show Bruce what he's about to lose. She is Not Impressed with Bruce's paltry offering of the flowers and a pink manuscript, and even less so when it turns out her new man, Marcus, actually sent the flowers and Bruce just took the credit. In a fit of pique, she accepts Marcus's invitation for a date, though she almost immediately regrets it. Is a 6'5" blond tennis player really worth throwing away her entire relationship with Bruce?

Bruce is so excited for Professor Gordon's feedback on his screenplay that he more or less consistently bothers him about it. He even sets up shop in the film school library while attempting to catch up on his other classes. He inadvertently leaves his pink and white copy of the screenplay at the library, though he doesn't realize it till later. Finally Gordon invites Bruce to his palatial office to give him his precious feedback - and Gordon pronounces that it's a BIG STINKER. Bruce is absolutely heartbroken. He's so sure that it was interesting and original, a story about a victim of poisoning who has to figure out who is trying to kill him in order to save his own life, but Gordon's pronouncement sinks his hopes. He tries to find Lila, whom he mentions has a copy of the script, but when she's not home, he decides to nurse his misery at a local dive bar instead.

Jessica, meanwhile, is bored. Liz is out of town for some sort of journalism trip, leaving her alone in their dorm. She's trying not to spend all her time at Theta House, because that will make her look pathetic. Therefore, she jumps at the chance when Steven calls and says he and some of his law school buddies are heading for a bar, and would she like to come along? Of course she says yes, and of course she takes 2 hours to prepare herself for the handsome law school men. By the time she makes it to the bar, she realizes that Steven's crowd has already left; on her way out, she spots Bruce drinking by himself and basically takes pity on him. She figures he'll need some help getting home (though she is relieved to learn he walked there instead of risking his precious Porsche), and tries to walk him back, but he detours to a frat party with a despised frat brother that Jessica hates, and then ends up following her back to her dorm and collapsing in the doorway.

Meanwhile, Lila has been on her date with Marcus, regretting it the entire time, and then even moreso when Marcus tries to get fresh, she declines, and he blows up at her. She goes over to Jessica's room the day after to commiserate with her, only to find Bruce in Liz's bed and Jessica sitting beside him, looking very cozy indeed. She screams and takes off, but when she arrives home, she's konked over the head in her bathroom and left unconscious.

Jessica taunts Bruce, who can't remember anything after the bar the night before, even leading him to believe that they slept together, which pains him almost as much as his hangover. Jessica finally tells him she's just kidding, but that he looks especially terrible - is he sick? He denies it and gets up to go after Lila, even though Jessica promises to tell Lila the truth and smooth things over. Bruce makes it halfway to Lila's apartment and falls over on the sidewalk.

He wakes up in the hospital, where a Doctor Martin grimly informs him that he has been poisoned, but they can't figure out with what. She tells him that he basically only has a day and a half left before he succumbs to the deadly mix. Martin asks him to try to remember everything he did the previous day to see if they can pinpoint how and where he was poisoned. Bruce leaves the hospital and goes straight to Jessica, whom he accuses of trying to kill him (is it that much of a leap after the other lies she teased him about?) Jessica of course denies it, but she can see that Bruce is clearly very sick, and agrees to help him. They go to the grand opening of the new wing of the film school, where Bruce spots the dude who was angry and upset at the bar, and who shared a beer with him. Jessica recognizes him as a fellow student from their film class, Marcus Stratton, and puts two and two together about him and Lila. Bruce is furious with Marcus for taking Lila out on a date and is convinced that he's the one who poisoned him. Bruce and Jessica follow Marcus when he leaves - Bruce is too sick to drive, so he gives the keys to Jessica, who is beyond excited at the idea of finally driving this precious car. She takes off, racing through freeway traffic and then hairpin turns on a hill in Crestview as they tail Marcus, but unfortunately they lose him and actually go through a guardrail, careening into the caverns below.

Miraculously, they aren't hurt, though Bruce's car is completely toast. Bruce doesn't take any time to mourn it, though, worried about Lila and determined to catch the man he believes is trying to kill him. They eventually make it back to the top of the cliff and catch a ride to a gas station to check in with Doc Martin, but she doesn't have any good news. Bruce decides to steal a car and continue following Marcus, though he deftly manages to drop Jess off at the hospital and leave without her, much to her consternation. He finds Marcus and sees him reading the pink and white copy of the manuscript, and the two of them start to fight. Bruce is extremely weak from the poison and the car wreck, so he's on the losing side of the fight; next thing he knows, Marcus has been shot dead by someone from the outside, and his script is missing.

Bruce calls in the murder to the police and then hightails it to Lila's, knowing that she did indeed go out with this dude. He is heartstricken when he finds the unconscious Lila in her bathroom, and calls an ambulance for the second time that night. He is determined to spend his final moments on earth with his beloved, but she insists that he doesn't.

With nowhere else to turn, and realizing that he seems to be living out the very screenplay that he wrote, he decides to meet Professor Gordon and see if he has any ideas. Bruce wants to meet at Gordon's office on campus, and while he waits for him, he realizes that Gordon has taken the copy of the script, turned in as homework, and added a new title page to it, claiming it as his own. It FINALLY dawns on him that Gordon is the one who poisoned him, in order to steal his script, though he can't for the life of him figure out why.

We all know why, right? Because obviously he also stole the script that won him the Academy Award, and because he's a complete hack, he figures he'll strike twice in the goldmine that is his film class. Yes, he's the one who murdered poor Belinda Beringer, it was her script that won him critical acclaim, and he's basically going to do the same to Bruce.

Bruce has just realized that the poison was in the scotch that Gordon offered him while telling him his script was trash when Gordon arrives. He of course gives an OTT villain monologue while he's trying to strangle Bruce, first with his hands and then with a lamp chord, but Jessica bursts into the office just in time to see what's happening. She picks up the first weapon she can find and knocks Gordon out. Unfortunately, she chose the decanter of scotch, and it shatters into a million pieces, the poisoned scotch soaking into the rug.

Bruce laments the irony of his fate - finding the poison and then losing it with mere minutes to live - until he finds the glass he was drinking from the day before, which he didn't empty but hid on the windowsill. There's still some scotch left! He's saved!!

Bruce and Jessica rush to the hospital with the scotch and burst into the lab, where Dr Martin has just about given up hope on finding the poison; Lila is also there, crying over her inevitable loss. Lila is so happy to see Bruce that she almost knocks him over - mercifully after he gives Dr Martin the glass - and Bruce is hurried into a hospital room of his own. Martin has analyzed the scotch and found the antidote, which she gives Bruce, along with the news that he will, indeed, live.

The final chapter finds Bruce still in this hospital, surrounded by flowers from well-wishes, receiving Porsche brochures so he can choose his next ride. Jessica and Lila are with him as he fields calls from agents who want to shop his manuscript around, not only due to the Gordon connection, but because of his own almost-death. Bruce being Bruce arranges for photos to be taken of the injuries he sustained at Gordon's hands to up the ante in the war being raged over his screenplay. He tells Lila to buy a new dress for the Academy Awards, and the book ends on a happy but sappy note of them, vowing to love each other forever.

I LOVED this book. It had the right trio of characters at the center, all of them in character despite the ridiculousness around them, and the pace is extremely lively. It's written like a true thriller, and has the beats of an actual thriller writer as the ghostie. Jessica is at her most extremely awesome here, both in wit (telling Bruce that if she was going to kill him, it would've been in high school) and action (her mad skillz driving Bruce's car, which even Bruce had to give her props for). Seriously, I **love** this Jessica and wished we got to see more of her! Lila even gets a few strikes in, having stomped on Gordon's foot when he attacked her hard enough to probably break his toes and leave him with a telltale limp. And my ship? OMG! Bruce even gives a canon shout-out when he talks about the plane crash that stranded them together and served as the beginning of their relationship. My heart was just melting! ♥

Impy and I weren't sure if this would be a good book to close out our readathon with, so we decided to stick it in the middle in case it sucked. We needn't have worried - this was awesome! show less

This book is mind-blowingly awful and pretty much has to be read in one sitting, or you'd never pick it up again. The ridiculous starts right from the first page, and continues until the last.

We start off with an extended recap of the last scene from the last book (God only knows why), with Jeremy arriving at the Wakefields' home in the middle of the night, claiming Sue has disappeared. He discusses this with the twins and the three of them decide not to (1) wake up their parents (as its two show more in the morning), or (2) call the police; instead, they opt for (3) going into the dark California woods and searching for her themselves.

Jessica is less than thrilled about this; Elizabeth feels guilty for all of the bad thoughts she ever had about Sue. The two set off alone while Jeremy claims to be checking elsewhere, but in reality he rushes to the cabin where the Halloween party was held, where Sue is waiting for him. As predicted, the two have cooked up a scheme to filch the money left to Mrs Wakefield instead of Sue by staging a kidnapping. Jeremy tells Sue to stay in the attic, out of the way, and he returns to herd the twins back home and begin his part as the grieving ex.

Jeremy shows his true colors as the pedo-grooming asshole that he is. He runs back and forth between the Wakefields' house and the cabin, eventually tying Sue up in the attic and basically leaving her there. Sue begins to have second thoughts about perhaps spending the rest of her life with this psycho (gee, really, Sue?), whereas Jessica is so lovesick and insecure that she clings to him like a puppy.

When the Wakefields receive the ransom call the next morning, the parents forbid the twins from leaving the house. Jeremy manages to convince them not to call the police, but Ned insists on hiring a private detective instead. This detective, Sam Diamond, is supposed to be the best in southern CA, but she's not terribly bright. She interviews all of the family and Jeremy in the same room, giving Jeremy the info he needs to stay one step ahead of the "investigation" around the kidnapping. Ned even makes a big deal about showing him the ransom money, after they all decide that not only will they pay it, but they will send the twins to deliver it. Master Detective Sam okays this, and even tells Jeremy the plan to follow the twins and nab the kidnapper. If anyone suspects Jeremy is behind this nonsense, they don't say or do anything to show it.

Meanwhile, because the twins are missing from school, everyone becomes concerned, especially Lila and Todd. Lila smells a rat and puts the most obvious bits together, concluding Jeremy is likely up to no good; after a muffled phone call with Jessica, and run-ins with both Wakefield parents acting strangely, she becomes convinced the family is being held hostage. She turns to her trusty boyfriend Robby and Todd to work out a very elaborate plan to rescue the family.

Retconned Robby (credit to Marian for that very apt nickname!) has been changed so much that now he admits to only having known Jeremy a few days before the fateful encounter on the beach - which means he knows nothing about him, not really, (making the events of #106 and #107 retroactively impossible), and oh hey! He very conveniently has a cousin who works for the local power company! They can totally steal some uniforms and a truck as part of their elaborate rescue plan! What could go wrong??

Lila obviously has the brain cells in this book, although Liz has a few, too, as she stares in marvel at the way Jessica is acting, even wondering what happened to the confident man-killer who is an expert at playing the field. Jessica is acting so insecure and jealous that it's just pathetic. WHY does she want this man?? He treats her badly! Claiming he's worried about Sue! Jess even goes to the lengths of stealing Steven's wedding ring from book #83 and giving it to Jeremy to try to strengthen their bond. It won't fit on the pedo-grooming ass's ring finger, so he is totally rocking a gold band pinky ring. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

The rescue squad pounces on the Wakefield house after the twins leave with the ransom money, just as Jeremy is barreling out of the house and putting on a ski mask. They hose him down with a fire extinguisher and jump on him, only to be stunned that it's Jeremy. They of course let him go (because of course they do), even as they're wondering why he's wearing a ski mask. Jeremy has disabled Sam's car, so he has plenty of time to follow the twins, release Sue, grab the ransom, and skedaddle before anyone is wiser.

The Wakefields discover their rescue party on the lawn and ask them WTF is going on, but everyone has a big hearty horselaugh when the twins and Sam return with the battered and beaten Sue, who has been rescued! Sam even brags that the money they used was actually counterfeit, to which Sue gasps. She's seen Jeremy's truly evil intentions and knows he will Not Be Happy when he discovers the money is fake. Still, she's prepared to leave with him, going outside and waiting for him like a moron before realizing that yeah, he never had any intention of returning for her. He was literally there to take the money and run. Sue is content to let him keep the money (especially now that she knows its fake) and laments that she's been just as foolish as Jessica has been about him.

Meanwhile, the crew is watching the video that Jessica took of the ransom drop, trying to discover any clue that they can as to the kidnapper's identity. They are all frustrated to realize that his face is too well-hidden, but Jessica sees the golden pinky ring and knows that it was Jeremy, all along.

The most frustrating thing about this book is that everyone has to be a complete idiot to make the plot even near the realm of plausibility. Jeremy is so certain that he can charm anyone into doing anything he likes that he's momentarily stunned that Mr Wakefield contacts a detective upon learning of Sue's disappearance. Like - really, dude? You thought you were that good? The fact that everyone acts very stupidly and allows him to make a clean getaway helps his cause, but surely someone (besides Sue and Jessica) know that he was behind it all? He was the only one who came and went from the Wakefield residence the entire time, so of course the leaks came from him! I wanted to throttle pretty much everyone.

The funniest bit was definitely learning that Bruce Patman won the costume contest at the Halloween party in the last book, and he came dressed as his own car, LMAO. I certainly hope that included the iconic 1BRUCE1 license plate!!

That, and the fact that Elizabeth's kidnapping from #13 Kidnapped! features in fairly heavy rotation during this stressful time, earns this book the single star I'm giving it.

Thank goodness we're near the end of this mess, even if we do have to go through a Thriller-length finale book to get there. show less