Brian Shuff

This is the second book I requested at the same time I got "The Truth About Grief" by Ruth Davis Konigsberg. We've been dealing with grief on a very personal level this year. Our oldest son was killed in a traffic accident in December, followed by my Mother-in-law in January of general old age and declining health. Her death was not unexpected and in many ways was something of a relief. We miss Maxine very much, but do not mourn her passing in the same way as we do for Bill. Our son, Bill, show more was only 24 when an out-of-control car came over the curb and hit him as he was walking on the sidewalk. He was killed instantly. We felt the loss of our son to our very core - and still occasionally experience sudden waves of emotion and tears. That is what was happening last week. And it was from that anguish that I sought some kind of reassurance which led me to these books.

I'm glad I read them in this order. While The Truth About Grief talks about grief and grieving in general terms, this book is focused on the individual. It consists of more than 2 dozen short essays which look at grief as experienced by individuals over time and in different situations. This is very good stuff. Not everyone's experience is the same, and not all the essays "spoke" to me personally. But many did, and they were absolutely accurate.

Beginning in the book's introduction, where the authors were explaining what their objectives were in writing the book, and how they'd gone about it, right on page 6 there is a short poem by poet Donald Hall who lost his wife, Jane Kenyon (to cancer, maybe? I think it says later in the book), when she was 46 years old:

"Distressed Haiku"

You think that their
dying is the worst
thing that could happen.

Then they stay dead.

This so perfectly captures the very worst moment we experienced when Bill died. We got the news late in the afternoon, and that evening was a flurry of terrible activity and worry. Lots of calls to make, sitting on pins and needles waiting for the kids to arrive safely home from their college towns, people coming to the house bringing food and condolences and hugs. Many sleepless hours in the dark. But the worst was the next morning when we woke up to a bright sunny day and a quiet house. And realized that we were still here. And Bill was still gone.

The main body of the book is divided into 4 sections which addresses first the immediate grief - during the first few days and weeks; then the period of facing the truth about what happened and the person it happened to; ways of consoling yourself and getting your mind off your loss even if only for a few moments; and the different ways people have of expressing their grief depending on cultural, religious, even gender- based differences.

Some parts were laugh-out-loud funny. At least I thought so. When they hit so close to the truth of such a painful subject, you either have to laugh or cry. In fact, they devote an entire essay to the subject of humor. Heh. Funeral humor! But, I remember that we laughed quite a bit and made jokes through our tears. One of the stories that will be repeated at my Dad's funeral will be about Bill's funeral. We had Bill cremated, and his urn was delivered by the funeral home to the church for the visitation. Then we had 2 memorial services - one the next day here, and another the day after that, followed by a burial, in our hometown. So, we were back and forth quite a bit and the family just naturally took turns being in charge of the urn. After the first memorial service, when we were getting ready to head out of town to go "back home", we were scurrying around getting bags packed and the cars loaded, hotel reservations made, and the house closed up. A sort of orderly chaos going on, when my Dad's voice chimed out above it all, "Don't forget Bill!", referring to the urn. We all stopped what we were doing and laughed and laughed. As if we COULD forget Bill, who was the cause of everything we were going through!

That is the kind of authentic details that are in this book - the part about laughing, the part about the family dynamics when relatives get together who haven't seen each other, the part about going back to work, the part about knowing who to trust even when it's not the person you love best, the part about feeling guilty for trying to escape the pain. Even more than the other book, this one brought me the comfort of knowing that my feelings and experiences are really no different from anyone else's who has been in the same situation. This is a book I would wholeheartedly recommend. show less

Hands down, this is the BEST book about grief.
I can't say enough about this book. I can't give it enough stars.
I have hand-sold this to so many friends, neighbors, customers, family members.
I revisit this book whenever I'm having a difficult day with grief, or helping support others.

I hope that someday, I can meet the authors of this book to thank them in person.