Carlos Andres Gomez

Highly disappointing, as this is not the type of book I was expecting. I came to read this because I am interested in how men, especially men my generation (Millennials) are coming to question so-called ‘toxic masculinity’, a traditional view of manhood which can be destructive and self-destructive. This is isn’t about it. This is about the author and the author only. Now, there’s nothing wrong with autobiographical work, especially if, like the author, you think you are bringing a show more point helping to illustrate a wider social phenomenon (here, then, ‘toxic masculinity’). The problem is that his life story doesn’t bring any insight; and you can tell by the complete lack of references to academic works, essays, papers, and basically any other sources but himself which could put his life choices into perspective.

Now, it doesn’t mean his life is uninteresting. He is half-Latino and half-White, who first grew up in Europe then in the USA. His background, then (he identifies as Latino) is a perspective which could have benefited me, who is White European only -it’s always interesting to try and look at the world through someone’s else lenses. Sadly, because it’s only about him, there is no way to get a solid grasp of racial issues in America unless through his very subjective perspective. His sexuality -coming out of age sexually as a boy, then his relationships with various women- are telling too when it comes to how many men handle sex. But the issue, again, is that he tries and blame the patriarchy for such demeaning attitude to his girlfriends; something which, as he is not backing it up by anything but his own excuses, quickly sounds self-justifying (sorry, but, you can’t claim ‘treating women like shit to satisfy my own ego’ -as he bluntly admits- and blame it on society -your ego is responsible, not the patriarchy, as not all men behave the way you did; please take responsibility).

More interesting to me was how he learnt how to connect with his own emotions and deal with his feelings through poetry. Men are indeed often labelled as less emotionally intelligent than women, are stifled when it comes to express feelings (apart from anger), and blindly accepted as basically neurologically hardwired with less empathy and more aggression than women (e.g. testosterone and other neuro-nonsense and pseudo-biology…). It’s utter bullshit, but it has terrible consequences not only on how we raise boys and perceive men, but, also, on how men handle their feelings, connect with each-others and people around (including women) and seek coping mechanisms which are everything but healthy. To see him dropping the ‘alpha male’ mask was touching indeed.

All in all, then, here’s an autobiography with no broader insight into what could be a wider phenomenon. I get the racism, the misogyny, the emotional issues; but how much of that was due to the heritage of a patriarchal system? How much was his own personal responsibility? Putting things into context by linking it all to sociological work and gender studies would have help -but he doesn’t; it’s only ‘me, myself and I’ all the way through. I gave it two stars instead of one, simply because his poetry (each chapter opens with one of his poems) is actually really good. Here’s the irony: he’s more insightful in verses than in prose. As I said: not what I was looking for. show less

A very entertaining memoir! Despite the title, that is really what this book was, in my opinion. As a woman, I've been pretty curious about the "male perspective." I knew it had to be more than the stereotypical image of a man that society paints. Anyway, in between is a usually emotional poem that that sets the mood for the next chapter. This novel is written in first person and details the different chapters in Gomez's life.

I really liked how honest Gomez was. He didn't gloss over his show more personal failings or hide his feelings from the reader. He left it to the audience to decide their own opinion, which is a brave thing to do. Aside from that, the writing was superb. It's no surprise, since he's a poet, but you can really see his talent in weaving such descriptive pictures with his words. His thoughts were concise and clear and I could easily understand what he was trying to say. Nothing pleases me more than a book that I can understand!

I'm very specific about the memoirs. I especially don't like ones that try to manipulate your feelings. In a way, Gomez does but his method is so brilliantly subtle, I don't even feel like I'm forced to feel something. I recommend this book to both male and female readers alike. It might resonate better with men but I think women could learn quite a bit things from this book too. However, because of his honest and clear thoughts, this book might not be good material for our younger readers.

Won in a giveaway in return for an honest review show less

Well, this was not exactly what I expected. I thought it would be more of a sort of self-help book for men, than what it is, which is sort of a memoir (funny for a twenty-something, to call it that). I still labored under the misconception after reading the introduction and thought, "If he wants to reach all of his audience he should probably cut down on the swearing" -- then I started reading the book and it was quite a different experience. It was very cathartic, full of turning points and show more crises. And, it was extremely honest and reminded me in a funny way of a character inside Infinite Jest (sort of half-Hal and half-Gately, I guess) because of this searing honesty. I also found it kind of difficult to read and could not read more than a chapter and a half at a time before having to leave it aside and do something else. It was just too much.

I have two sons and they were mostly raised in a very patriarchal culture and are still trying to work through all the contradictory messages they have gotten in their short lives (my oldest is 21 and my youngest is 20) about what it means to be male and a man. I wish they would read this book, but probably they won't. I have always thought that it must be difficult to be male in a culture that teaches males that they have to conform to this contradictory, and nonsensical, and weirdly negative ideal or risk all sorts of opprobium mostly from their fellow males. Some of the scenes in this book (particularly the very very end, in the chapter about forgiveness - not going to mention it here but boy, was that harrowing!) that really floored me were about confronting this weird and difficult culture, which was very hard for the author to do and is still very hard to do and most of the time even he, who basically makes his living off of performance art and poetry and stuff confronting male identity, doesn't really confront it in other guys, because it is just too hard and they won't get it in the tiny little stranger-interaction that he has happened into.

I really hope a lot of men read this book, but I am afraid the whole cathartic personal memoir type format is geared toward women and men are already sure they won't like it or want to deal with it. But of course I am older than this guy and maybe the younger generation is a lot braver about confronting gender weirdness in society than mine was. I hope so. Men, read this book. It was a good read for me, but it would be a much better read for you, because it is a guy like you who sees how toxic so much of male culture and socialization (or lack thereof) is. And how beautiful it is at the same time, which is also something I have trouble identifying with.

Finally, I think some of these patriarchal cultures that are not ours have some good points that make it easier to be men in them. (Not that it is not really negative in a lot of ways too.) I think in Egypt where my sons were raised, men can show their feelings with each other, and are more physically demonstrative towards their friends (holding hands, or hugging and kissing, whatever) than in a lot of Western societies and this is good for relieving tension and getting over aggressive tendencies. I sure wish though that it were easier for men to confront the things they are scared of be it poor health or being sad or being weak or being bad at something, because I think it is a lot healthier to know how you feel and deal with it, than try to pretend nothing is wrong. Not that all men do that but it is a socialized thing for men that I think is a pity.

As you can see this book has made me think a lot about what men in our society and all patriarchal societies have to go through, and I hope that they won't be too scared of its thought-provokingness to open it and try to read it.

As an advance copy it had some flaws, like a couple of notes from the editor were still in there and the acknowledgements section was not done, but still I am very glad to have gotten this book through the Early Reviewer Program and I am giving it four stars, which is a very high grade for a memoir by a kid who has not turned 30 yet. show less

I got this as part of the Early Reviewer Program. I made it through chapter 4 before giving up. This was very much not what I thought it was going to be. I had thought it was going to be a meditation on being a man in modern society, and instead it was a not-completely digested memoir. I have already learned MUCH more about the author's sex life than I really wanted to, but have not found new and interesting thoughts and ideas. I don't know what I missed in the original description, but this show more was a disappointment. show less