Jill Duggar

Listening to this one was an emotional and powerful experience. Like many, I watched the Duggars on TLC, finding parts relatable but mostly viewing it as a spectacle. In recent years, seeing the children publicly grapple with the deception, manipulation, and mistreatment they've endured has been heartbreaking. Jill's story is deeply moving. Her strength in stepping away from her family and the restrictive religious system they upheld is truly inspiring. Aside from this memoir, I was saddened show more to hear about her stillbirth earlier this year, and I hope she finds peace and happiness as she builds her family. As a former child reality star, Jill never had control over her exposure or how her story unfolded in the public eye. While the book doesn't offer much new information for those already familiar with her story, hearing it in her voice, free from the media's filter, adds a personal and genuine touch. May Jill enjoy many peaceful moments and pina coladas as she moves forward! show less

She absolutely roasted Jim Bob and Josh and I’m glad she did. Plus called out the people in the justice system who failed her and her sisters by exploiting their abuse. I only wish she’d hold Michelle more accountable. She’s just as guilty as Jim Bob in everything but never seems to get any hate. I wish we had gotten a little more info on her life now and her new beliefs instead of a whole book about Jim Bob, but it’s her story to tell.

Jill Duggar has never really been alone. We think we know Jill’s story because it has been made part of a major television reality show series: Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar’s daughter, one of their 19 children, whom many viewers got to see grow up, get married, and have children on The Learning Channel’s 19 Kids and Counting and spinoff series. She was involved with all such things until she wasn’t. The Internet was full of theories. Most of them were less than kind.

Thus Jill and her show more husband Derick Dillard believed it was important to tell the story according to their experience. She has worked well with her ghost writer to tell the story according to her experience. The recognition of the ghost writer is not an attempt to make less of what is presented, for he has done his work quite well; yet it well explains how this memoir could come to be when everything about it has been very traumatizing for Jill.

Jill was born into a family with Baptist associations but stronger affirmation of the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP) and Bill Gothard style ideology in the South. In this story the Duggars are presented as loving, caring parents who are able to cultivate and develop relationships with all of their children despite their growing number. But they definitely affirmed IBLP and Gothard’s ideology: they homeschooled; they had a lot of children and expected their children to have a lot of children; and the paterfamilias’ authority was absolute, even after a child was married.

The fruit of the “purity culture” and IBLP system becomes apparent through Jill’s life trajectory. The sexual abuse she endured from her oldest brother becomes an ever greater issue over time: Jill was traumatized time and again by providing testimony about it happening, when that testimony was illegally given out and an article about it was written in InTouch Magazine, in the attempted lawsuit against said magazine and others, and in Josh’s continued behaviors which led to the cancellation first of the original show and then all shows relating to the Duggars.

It is of the greatest irony that it was her father who basically set her up with who would become her husband, Derick Dillard, and encouraged that “courtship” relationship. If there’s a hero in this narrative, it’s Derick; the contrast between Jill and Derick, and Shannon and Josh is night and day. Derick and Jill love each other, and Derick not only supports her but stands up for her frequently. Much can be understood about them from their silent affirmations for each other: one will squeeze the other’s hand three times (for “I love you”), and the other will do so four times in response (“I love you too”). They find themselves in these situations frequently. Jim Bob had Jill sign a contract without explaining anything in it and which obligated her to continue to allow a lot of filming even after she became quite uncomfortable with it. They were not receiving the financial benefits from the arrangement; all the money was kept by Jim Bob who rationalized his behavior by pointing to the expenses he maintained in raising Jill. Derick challenged Jim Bob about the lack of payment, especially for the older children; he was much more interested in seeing the contract Jill had signed, and only received it after getting lawyers involved and enduring a lot of pressure from many in the Duggar family. Derick and Jill were particularly incensed (and understandably so!) when they discovered her father had been attributing over $100,000 in income from the show to her even though she did not receive any of it. I really hope some people at the IRS pay attention to the book and investigate this, because it looks a lot like tax fraud; the amount of effort and trials which Jill and Derick suffered in order to see some financial restitution was shameful.

Meanwhile, Jill was starting to see through the high control ideology of IBLP and Bill Gothard. She was participating in some other kind of Evangelical church which seems to be a much healthier spiritual environment than the one in which she was raised; she recognized her father’s authority over her became far more limited once she got married; she was becoming more comfortable wearing pants and getting a nose piercing and even having the occasional alcoholic beverage. Jim Bob and Michelle did not take too kindly to these developments; they do maintain relationships with their children, but the disapproval is manifest. Jim Bob proves quite high on his authority and the testimony given about his treatment of them whenever they question him is quite damning.

The book ends with Jim Bob and Michelle able to celebrate the birth of Derick and Jill’s third child. There is still a relationship there but a lot of work needed in therapy and mediation if it would become fully whole.

And so again we get to know ideologies by their “fruits.” IBLP and Gothard are quite famous for the "umbrella of protection" drawing, with increasingly smaller umbrellas of Christ, the husband, and the wife. I have seen many Christians share this image as if it accurately reflects and represents what God intends for us in Christ. And yet it is a complete misdirection which cannot help but bear diseased fruit.

What Jill experienced was how the “umbrella of protection” often fails because it’s more bluster than substance and just exposes the fears and anxieties of those granted authority and power. Jill discovered how her father and their associates were more than willing to protect or shelter her pedophilic brother than herself.

Consider what this kind of framework does for a guy like Jim Bob Duggar. Throughout let’s give the benefit of the doubt and provide a charitable understanding. He wants to be a good husband and father. He falls into this teaching which looks good to him and is consistent with his culture and perspective. He takes his responsibilities seriously, and does well at not just expecting his wife to raise the kids, and himself cultivates relationships with them. His eldest son sexually abuses some of his sisters; Jim Bob recognizes this as a problem, and follows through with the patterns of behavior which are consistent with the group with which he is affiliated in addressing it. He falls into an opportunity to provide financial support for his burgeoning family and present to the world his faith and the faith of his family, and he eagerly takes up that opportunity.

At first it all seems well: not terribly intrusive, a good opportunity, reinforces the family budget. But then flashpoints of concern: Josh’s past comes to light and he continues in ungodly behaviors. Now he feels compelled to protect his family’s interests by suppressing the story and trying to find ways to keep at least some of the family on air to keep up the ministry and the financial support. He finds all kinds of ways to use the money: he buys up property, the family takes nice trips, he is able to help a lot of people out. But that requires keeping the money even when the older children become of age. Is he probably over his head at this point? Indeed. But he’s gone this far.

Jim Bob is a model caring, loving dad generally…and I believe deep down knows that how he has been managing his eldest son and his money is not entirely right. Deep down, he knows he has defrauded at least his oldest children; he knows he should have been more upfront about what they were signing. And when Derick and Jill begin asking questions about it, that anxiety and shame comes out as DARVO: deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender. He denies he has done anything wrong; he attacks Derick and Jill as rebellious; he makes it all about how he and his wife have been wounded and hurt by the whole affair.

And this is how we end up with the portrayal of Jim Bob in Jill’s memoir: a man who has tried very hard to be a good husband and father in the system into which he bought and loving and supportive and kind until you start asking questions about the skeletons in the closet. And then he weaponizes his understanding of his authority in order to eliminate the questions.

I say this not to single out Jim Bob, but to point out how the whole temptation to begin with stems from this expectation of this “umbrella of protection” for life. Who is really being protected? The women and children in pretense, but when the scandal arises, whether the cameras are rolling or it’s in private living rooms, those in authority protect themselves, even it if actively harms those whom they profess to protect and love.

Far too many Christians have made way more about “protection” than warranted from Scripture. Whether you like it or not, “protect” is not there. God is our protection and refuge; we are to depend on God in Christ for protection. No Scripture says the husband must protect his wife and children; sure, that’s part of the conservative ideology’s American gospel, the John Wayne Gospel, but it’s sheer presumption and arrogance according to God in Christ.

Thus the best “umbrella of protection” picture has all of us under the umbrella of Christ. The head of the household is expected to leverage his authority in subjection to his wife and children for their advantage, as Jesus did not come to be served but to serve and give His life as a ransom for many (Matthew 20:25-28, Ephesians 5:21-23). That’s not “power over”; it’s an invitation to serve.

Jill's story is an opportunity to lament and grieve how the dignity and integrity of women have been all too easily degraded in church cultures. We should turn away from the high control ideologies of Bill Gothard and expose them for the anxiety and fear based models of manipulation they represent. We should resolve to do better for our girls and young women but also our boys, young men, and older men and women.

We need to turn back to Jesus and well embody Him so we can bear His fruit to His honor and glory. show less

First sentence (from the prologue): Technically, there was no problem with Derick and I being outside together that way. We weren't on a date or anything, so we didn't need a formal chaperone. Plus, there were easily a half dozen little Duggars running around out there with us, playing in the snow. We were safe. We were following all the courtship rules that my parents had encouraged us to write down--no holding hands, no in-person, one-on-one conversations without another adult or mature show more chaperone present, no putting ourselves in a position where we could fall into temptation. All the same, I knew that people would be watching us. It was to be expected.

First sentence (from chapter one): Click. My parents didn't believe in magic. They didn't believe in dancing, either. But they understood the power of music. And like all magicians, they knew exactly when to wield it. Just the sound of Mom loading a cassette into the tape player was enough to call us all to order.

Jill Duggar Dillard has written a memoir. (Squeal!) She writes truthfully, respectfully about her upbringing. She praises where praise is due. She's grateful for any and all benefits and blessings. She criticizes where criticism is due. Or if not out and out criticism, she calls for questioning.

Unfortunately, she grew up in a household that was 110% committed to the Institute in Basic Life Principles. And merely questioning or doubting is enough to be viewed as a degenerate rebel. Jill didn't spend much time questioning anything--blindly, willingly, openly following her parents--particularly her father. But as an adult, a married woman, a woman with children of her own, she did begin to question. Not without nerves, anxiety, hesitation. Jill was clueless about confrontation and boundaries. But slowly and surely, with the full and total support of her husband, she did begin to have those difficult conversations. She began to ask honest questions.

If Jill is to be taken at face value, then she did so in a way that was not inherently hateful or mean-spirited. Perception is tricky. Certainly her father took even the slightest hesitation to 'yes, sir' as out-and-out rebellion and a great sin. That is one problem with the IBLP. Calling things sin that the Bible doesn't necessarily call sin. Adding to Scripture. Misinterpreting Scripture.

Unlike her sister's book--also published this year, I believe--this one doesn't so much go through her journey of disentangling her faith. It is a more traditional memoir. This is an actual biography that chronicles her life. She has questions, thousands of questions. Like WHY did her father not protect her and her sisters? WHY is Joshua--a convicted criminal--seen as a such a wonderful son, an angel, and she is seen as dangerous, rebellious, sinful? Why didn't she--as a person--matter more than the television show? I won't list every single question Jill poses.

This is not a book written primarily for gossiping or shock value. I was amazed by Jill's respectful restraint. The way she's been treated, you might think she'd be justified in expressing out and out outrage. If she wanted to rant, rave, rage against those that have hurt her, who could blame her??? But, she is grateful, kind, and HONEST. She cannot be a doormat. But she doesn't have to add fuel to the fire. She goes above and beyond to see the good, to praise the good, to be thankful for the good. She does not come across--at all--as vindictive or a drama queen. She doesn't come across as toxic. Wanting healthy boundaries is not toxic. Wanting to be respected as an adult is not toxic.

Did I find out new things? YES. Was everything 'shocking' or 'appalling'? No, not really. Again, I don't think the book--despite some people wanting ALL the tea, every ounce of tea, every single little detail (not a one to which they are entitled to)--was written to be scandalous or gossipy.

One thing the book does bring to light is that the Megyn Kelly interview was conducted with JOSHUA in the room. Which puts yet another spin on it. It would have been 'tainted' enough perhaps by the presence of her parents. (No doubt, the parents were pressuring them to stick to a certain story, to play their roles in the PR campaign). show less