Jennette McCurdy

A harrowing and somehow funny memoir about being raised by an abusive stage mom who is committed to living vicariously through you by controlling your every thought and deed. The author opens up in a refreshingly direct way about the surreal relationship she had with her mother and the way its far-reaching trauma still effects her life today.

This memoir meditates upon themes of abuse, fame, mental illness, cancer, and eating disorders. Obviously, this all might be quite triggering for some, show more so readers should exercise caution. show less

I'm Glad My Mom Died lived up to the hype.

This was a tough book to get through for all the right reasons. It dug into the painful details of child abuse, eating disorders, mental illness, and the complicated relationships one can have with their abusers. Jennette McCurdy struck a fine balance between capturing her thoughts and feelings in the moment as a child and a young adult and weaving in the new awareness and recontextualization of her experience that came through growing up and show more getting therapy. show less

First off, I want to say there are a multitude of trigger warnings for this book, and I encourage you to look them up before you read them. The only reason I'm not listing them here is because I'm afraid I'll forget one.

Now, this book is a difficult, sad, infuriating read, but I believe it can be a necessary one (maybe not for everyone which is why I say it can be). The reason why I believe this was a necessary book for me to read is because I grew up with a not so great mom at times, and show more someone close to be has struggled with eating disorders, so this book helped me understand the mindset of a person with an eating disorder more.

Jennette starts out very young trying to be a people pleaser. It begins with doing everything her mom wants her to do, so that her mom will be happy (and Jennette believed this would help keep her mother alive). A lot of stuff Jennette's mother did was horrendous, and by the time her mother died, I was glad she had died too.

After her mother died, Jennette had a long road to recovery. She had to work on getting rid of her eating disorder, taking her mom off of the pedestal she had place her mom on, and ultimately decided for herself what she wanted to do with her life instead of letting others dictate what she was to do.

In the book, Jennette always enjoyed writing more than acting. During her recovery from the eating disorders, she says, "When everything's in my head, it feels chaotic and jumbled. But when I can look down at a sheet a paper and see myself reflected back in words and tallies and graphs, it's clarifying." (Chapter 81, page 274) I feel like this book was that for her. She saw her whole life on paper after going through all this therapy, and it was clarifying for her. It was a big step in her healing journey, I think.

By the end of the book, Jennette has stopped purging, she enjoys the food she's eating instead of feeling shame and guilt, she's decided to quit acting and do what she wants to do for once in her life, and she has taken her mom off of the pedestal and accepted that her mother abused her and didn't want what was best for her.

Finally, I'm going to include some quotes here:

"I scream and kick and roll around intensely. I get lost in it. There's a part of me that almost feels good doing it. Like this has been waiting to come out for a long time. Like I've been stuffing this down, shoving it down, and finally here it is. This is how I really feel. Like screaming." -Chapter 18, page 67

"I'm humiliated. And ashamed. How did I let this happen? How did I become a woman? I don't know the answer, but I know the solution. I know what I'll do to fix this....I've been slacking and the slacking needs to stop. I need to get back to anorexia. I need to be a kid again." -Chapter 36, page 127

"This new relationship to food deeply confuses me. For years I have been in control of my diet, my body, myself. I have kept myself rail-thin and my body childlike and I have found the perfect combination of power and solace in that. But now I feel out of control. Reckless. Hopeless. The old combination of power and solace is replaced by a new combination of shame and chaos. I do not understand what is happening to me. I am terrified of what will happen when Mom sees me." -Chapter 38, page 134

"Maybe that's growth, to be embarrassed." -Chapter 85, page 288

"I want my life to be in my hands. Not an eating disorder's or a casting director's or an agent's or my mom's. Mine." -Chapter 87, page 293 show less

I was not an aficionado of iCarly or any of the Disney shows to be honest. I didn’t know Jennette McCurdy as Sam Puckett or anything else but it has been impossible to avoid this book since it was released and it was when I saw her interview with Drew Barrymore (highly recommended) that I decided it was time to delve in.

McCurdy starts at six years old with her mother’s determination to make her a child star, all the way to the present day. She tells the story of a young person who is show more struggling to come to terms with the loss of their mother and the acceptance of the abuses she suffered at her hand. It is a raw and honest portrayal of grief and survival.

I listened to the audiobook read by McCurdy herself. I’ve found author-read memoirs to be very powerful, and this one really packed a punch. What is clear from the start is that McCurdy really had no interest in acting. She was merely trying to please her mother. A mother that was demanding, overbearing and fragile. What is also clear is that she still loves her mother and this book in some ways is her trying to reconcile the mother who abused her and manipulated her until her dying breath (and beyond) with the mother who she loved deeply and felt lost without.

What is also striking in the book is McCurdy description of her eating disorders and ongoing recovery from them.

A book that will no doubt help a lot of people who have dealt with similar issues. show less