David Maxfield

Handling difficult conversations comprises a key element for navigating life successfully, yet most of us have little training about how to accomplish this. We end up listening to mentors or pastors to refine our skillset. Is there any science or education that could lend insight to how to, at the very least, survive these conversations? This set of authors, who penned the famously successful book Crucial Conversations, submit this guide to aid individuals’ journeys.

They provide a set of show more tools with examples to enact them. Honestly, I didn’t find the tools particularly helpful and soon forgot them after reading them. The examples, however, allowed me to extrapolate from the principles to real-life events that intersect with my life. Because accountability conversations can occur at work or at home, their examples teach how to handle both settings. They not only illustrate their ideas but forecast common obstacles many encounter when first practicing the skill.

At times, this book can seem a bit formulaic: If you do such-and-such, some good result will happen. If only life were this simple! Unfortunately, oppressive systems and bigoted discrimination still occur that prevent people from acting reasonably. This book does not directly address those scenarios. It assumes rational actors on both sides. While I agree that most people I deal with fit into this camp, other personal experiences make me doubt that life always fits into this box.

Again, the authors focus on both work and home environments and thus hit a wide audience. Any adult with responsibilities can potentially benefit. This book aims to be a teacher and to move readers into unbiased teachers of handling accountability discussions. Thus, this book represents more of a class than a light read to peruse. Readers do require a bit of life experience and savviness to appreciate the scenarios posited.

The biggest benefit is that previously difficult conversations become a whole lot less intimidating. Complexity cannot be completely avoided, but the self-confidence required to handle those scenarios can increase. Crucial Accountability helps readers to think through how they might handle and even embrace those challenging situations better. show less

From a "reform school" with a 90% success rate, to HIV elimination in Bangkok, to Guinea worm (there's a reason you've probably never heard of that) eradication in Africa, to the beginning of woman's rights in India... this tells amazing and real stories. Read it, if only to realize that great things are happening. Internalize it, if you want to make changes.

Oh look, I'm finally reviewing this, almost two months later. This is what comes of getting behind :-D

As is usual for books by this crew, the content is top notch and provides valuable tools. As is also the case for books by this group, as writing, it's a bit dry.

This book covers crucial accountability conversations. These conversations are reserved for serious violated expectations or broken commitments. Often they are challenging to even start. The first part of the model asks you to show more consider: is this a time for an accountability conversation? Figure out what the conversation should be about and then if it is worth having. Not all problems are serious enough to warrant an accountability conversation. One useful tool from this section is to think about repeated infractions through the lens of CPR. The first time a violation occurs, discuss the content ("you were late for an important meeting"). The second time, discuss the pattern ("you are regularly late for an important meeting"). The third time, start to discuss the impact on your relationship ("I can no longer trust you to handle important meetings").

The second part of the model asks you to make sure that you are not looking at the event too narrowly. Come in informed. Ask yourself why a reasonable, rational person would do what you've observed (keep asking until you actually believe your answer). While doing this, look at all of the sources of influence on a person (this pulls heavily from the model in Influencer): what are their sources of personal motivation? Peer motivation? Structural motivation (e.g., incentives and punishments)? What about their personal ability? Do they have the right support from others? Does the structure and environment support their getting the task done?

Finally, you are ready to have the accountability conversation. The most important thing is to create an atmosphere of psychological safety. If a topic is not particularly sensitive then you can start by simply and directly describe the performance gap between what was expected and what was observed. Do not include your interpretation yet. If you see signs that safety is at risk, stop immediately and work to repair it. Then tentatively share your interpretation about what happened. Finally, end with a simple, sincere, "What happened?"

If safety is at risk, consider why. The two primary reasons people feel unsafe is that they believe that you do not respect them as a person or they believe that your goals are at odds with theirs. To restore safety, first make sure you really do respect the other person. You can't fake it. Then you can use contrasting to explicitly say what you don't mean, "I am not saying you do not care about these important meetings. It's just that regularly being late...". If the problem is lack of mutual purpose, again start by looking at yourself. Is your goal aligned with their goals? If not, then the conversation is not likely to go well. If it is aligned, then openly stating your goal can help get the conversation back on track ("I really want you to be at your most effective when interacting with our VP."). Other things that help are always (always always) having accountability conversations in private and asking permission before discussing delicate topics.

Once mutual purpose has been established and you both agree on the accountability gap, the next step is to motivate the other person to overcome the gap. Look at the influence model to figure out what motivations may be lacking. Do not be afraid to highlight the natural consequences of failing to change. On the flip side, don't assume that everything is a motivation problem. Look for gaps in ability. And be honest about the impact of social and structural challenges on motivation and ability. If there is social status loss associated with closing the gap or if there are structural reasons that make execution hard, then focusing on personal motivation and skills will not be enough. Or to put it another way, fixing the accountability gap may not be something that the other person can do on their own.

Importantly, make sure the end of the conversation clearly defines who will do what by when. Make sure that the details are clear. Vague commitments to do better next time are not sufficient. Ask whatever clarifying questions you need to be confident that the plan addresses the issue. And then, critically, remember to actually follow-up. Consider this your responsibility as the person who initiated the conversation.

That's the gist of the model. The book itself contains numerous illustrative examples as well as discussions of what not to do.

Ending on a personal note, doing this is hard. A real accountability conversation takes time and work, and it's easy to try and skimp on the preparation. However, without this, as I know from personal experience, it's altogether too easy to get stuck in the debating the details of the content rather than the accountability gap. And it's even easier to not have time to get a clear and agreed upon commitment on next steps. Having a model helps you see what you're doing wrong, but only practice will get you to the point where you do it right. show less

I discovered this book while reading Psychology Today. The book has a simple premise: Identify your crucial moments (when you behave in a way you would like to change), then implement vital behaviours to achieve your desired change. But to do this, you need take into account the six influencers, covering the aspects of willpower and social and environmental influences, and stack the odds in your favour. The work states that there is a science to personal change, and it requires one to be show more both the scientist and subject. I draw many parallels here with Stoicism, in that the reader's attention is drawn to things within their control, and as scientist, there is a need to practice through trial and error until discovering what works for you. What I like about this work is that it draws on research conducted by the Change Anything Labs in Utah. It is not just a collection of snippets from elsewhere, but draws on the experiences of participants in the research. It sometimes reads like your typical self-help book, but the systematic way to bring about personal change provides a program that gives one the best chance of changing oneself for the better. The change subject areas hit almost everybody: losing weight, ridding oneself of an addiction, and improving one's relationship. The work is well-referenced and I can see myself returning to it again and again, as I had hoped when I first read a snippet of the work on Psychology Today. What I like most is that the book is scientific and supported by research, and it is inconspicuously Stoic in its approach. This has enabled me to take on board what needs to be learnt without my usual sneering at self-help books designed primarily to make the author rich or famous. The book also sets a standard in bringing academic work to the masses in a meaningful way, but without compromising the academic integrity of the work. In that, the work is very clever. show less